My soul needs to burn
Needs heat
To keep it alive
Otherwise it drifts on the wind
And dissipates
Into nothing

An eternity
stumbles

I watch as
20 years begin to convulse

The spell's broken

Realization hits me

Is this my
last chance?

I don’t miss...
waiting for you
to tell me you love me
Just before sleep
When it wasn’t hard for me to say it to you at all

I don’t miss...
Being angry that you paid me no attention
That you never touched me like you used to
never smiled when I kissed you
let alone kissed me back

I don’t miss...
Running into the darkness
To find a light of my own
To find a space in the void that would welcome me more

I don’t miss..
Crying for the mistakes I made
When all I wanted was to feel what we had at the start

But our start has now become our end
And I’m learning to begin again
Even though the pain is greater than before

How many miles travelled
How many days spent apart
How many lies told
How many cruel words spat
How much blood spilt
How many pills swallowed
How many tears shed
How much anger unleashed
How much love lost

How much will it take to be happy again?

Maybe I get a bit too emotional
about this, about us, our situation
that I want way too much, more than you can give
and it'll drive you away
I know its not easy for you
You have a complicated life
a life where you have made promises
and those people expect a lot from you
I won't be one of those people, demand so much of you
and you've made no promises to me
There is a lot in life I know I can't have
through no fault of my own
it's just how life works for some and
its always been that way for me
But I want you, God how much I want you
That I do know, and I'll fight for what I believe in
on those very rare occasions when
I really believe in something
What we have is more than good
and I want us to keep it, make it stronger
But the unknown is scary
Of what could be, or might not be
we both understand this
Because this could just be a stupid ****** daydream
that never comes true
All thoughts and feelings wasted and hearts broken
I don't want that, not for us
But someone will get their heart broken
This will be certain
If its me then I'll accept that decision
and I'll know at least we made each other happy
in the short time we spent together
and the love we made will be remembered
always

How do I control these urges
Of wanting you
To feel you
Need you
To make you need me

To quench the inner thirst that I drown in every day
When you're not here

Dripping down and slicing through my soul
How I yearn for you

An ache so intense
I can't fulfil by myself
No matter how many times I try
My imagination wanders
But it's not the same

Only you can heal this
Make this ache recede
You can heal
The hurt
I feel

Thinking about you
Always

Playfully
you love

Each time
I feel intensity

Resistance
between us
I doubt

Sometimes
I sit here and think
wouldn't it just be good
to not have to go through
yet another day
feeling the same?
Not to feel
empty inside anymore?
Not to know
what the future hasn't got to offer?
Encased within
these magnolia walls so bleak
with nothing to say
unless I say it
to myself
no-one to share the hours with
to close my eyes
and never see them again
would be a blessing

I come to you
With nothing

And I leave
with exactly the same

Unarmed and
Alone

I'm not going to be
foolish

Don't manipulate me
I'm tired, uneasy

I tell myself
I'm taking a big risk

I'm far too deep
To surface in time

The feeling you have right now,
are you ever afraid that you will never feel it again?
That it will never be real?
That it never existed?
For what is that feeling without hope?
Is it too far from reach?
Could it be possible
that the feeling you have right now
might last forever?
Do you want that?
Do you not deserve that?
It would be a shame
not to try and make it
a possibility

And then into the darkness
One footstep at a time
Where is the light
To guide the way
And does it lead home?

When all I want is you
You can’t be here
You want me by your side
To keep you warm
It’s all I want too

Right now
I’m good

Although i don’t have you with me
I have you
In my heart

My mind is full
of memories
That will stay with me
always

These are bright and light
my day
I can wait a little longer
my dear
To share my love
with you

Why am I still sat here
waiting for him
shouldn't I be stronger than this
and not need a man to make me happy?
But happy he makes me
so very happy
ecstatic.
No not the right word-
euphoric
I can't really explain tbh
He is like a drug
my drug of choice even though
I know I shouldn't indulge
He's my secret addiction
that I want every day
but when I can't have him
I'm on the most painful come down
I've ever known
My soul escapes me and I can see it
being torn to pieces right in front of me
a puddle of blood and tears at my feet
I know its not healthy
this dependence
this addiction to love
to a man I can't have
to hurt, neglect and rejection
But I want that hit
of pure love
as each hit is always stronger than the last one
to do without this coursing through my veins
I fear I won't survive
I'm not strong enough to survive the pain
of not having love
with him

Love is a battle
          Worth fighting
                         no matter how much
                                     it hurts

Oh how time passes
Yet nothing appears to have changed
Yet maybe it has
And I am deranged

I let go
Of the joy that hurt me

I let go
Of the  joy that broke me

I let go
But I’m still broken

I let go
To be me again

I let go
But I have gone