it's crazy how
a year and two days ago
I went on my first date,
a year ago next week
I had my first kiss
and
it almost killed us,
a year ago next month
I did something
I can't decide if I regret or not,
and a year ago this July
I leaned that I was head
over heels for someone
who was already three steps
ahead,
moving on.

it's hurts, she said,
knowing everyone else
is okay and here I am
falling down that dark
tempting path again.
somber and delicate
as she described it,
you could see her face fall
and paralyze with fear.
she was afraid.
afraid she was getting
bad again.
i feel numb, she said,
i see the pain in my eyes
when i look in the mirror,
the desperation.
but i can't
stop, i close my eyes
and pretend i don't hear
my gasps for help
as i drown.

i don't want you gone,
but i don't want to hurt.
i want us to be okay,
i want to rewind.

i want to hate you so bad it hurts.
i want to
         f
           or
               get
     everything about us.
i want to forget
the sound of your voice
and the way your arms
           s
                  n
               a
                     k
                           e d
around my waist.
i want to forget
what it felt like to have your
hands
       tangled
in my hair.
i want to forget
what your cologne smelled like
but instead i sit in your jacket
that you didn't ask for back.
i want our memories
to
f
               a
                               d
                                                 e
a w a y ,
    just like you did.

i love you.
you, my friend,
are something
      special,
something different.
you, in some sense,
        saved me.
like bright lights
on warm water reflecting
            auburn.
I found myself,
in spite of my love for
                 you.
auburn love in the depth
of winter is what we are,
                     were.
I love you in colors
I can't describe, see or even
                          feel.
though as seasons go
feelings seem to, I suppose,
                          change.
and once again here we
go around and around,
                     dancing.
dancing numb hoping love
is still vibrant and radiant in
                  color.
no longer dull,
in black, white or stubborn
             grey.
I fall and I fall, into the
rhythm of our waltz,
         alone.
we spin in circles
around the issues of
       love.
I love you and
I've loved you but yet
   I lost you.

bright eyes
messy hair
falling fast.
each
         longing
       g
   a
   z
       e
and stare.
you catch
my eye,
   b  l  o  w
a kiss,
take my
heart,
and here
we go.
flying,
bright eyes
into the stars
falling fast
into
nothing
but thin air.

wandering hands;
searching for
the unknown,
feeling for
perfect emotion,
wanting to
never
let go.
electricity
pulses through
your veins,
you know
it's right,
it's so
wrong
that it's
*absolutely
right.

brisk. jagged. grainy.
your words dance
across my innocence.
"im sorry,"
mumbled. whispered.
poisoned.
cynical are those words
aiming to ****,
forcing to struggle,
eternally scarring.
once, i believed you.
thought it was real,
and you actually cared;
that's when your intentions
became art.
my body the canvas,
your words the brush.
my emotions the paint,
your mind the audience.

i'm sorry.
i'm sorry that i fell for you,
and you fell for me.
i'm sorry i try to be
someone i'm
not,
just so you won't
worry.
i'm sorry i don't
fit into your cookie cutter
format, even though
i'm dying to.
i'm sorry i don't see
myself the way you
say you do and
i'm sorry that i
will never love
myself
the way you say you
love me i'm sorry.

it's 10:37 pm
and i find my self
apologizing
for something I hated
you for an hour ago.
I'm apologizing
for you. yet you
think you did no harm.

it was 8:09 pm
and I was fuming, angry
and would never forgive you.
I was on edge of hating
you and never forgiving you
ever. I was yelling and crying
and you had no clue.

it was 6:12 pm
when you called us off. saying
we were never a thing and
would never be in the future.
it hurt in waves, drowning in pain
after each rush. I fell for someone
as self centered as you.
I hated you.

it was 11:11 am
and I was no longer
wishing for you because I finally
got you. you whispered things
I only dreamed of hearing. I
thought I was falling for you.

auburn days roll by
like the end of a lit
cigarette, with a
puff of smoke
and emotionless
lipstick stains.
seasons pass
like the whiskey
bottle is drained
to an end to
drown those
emotionless
lipstick stains.
tears tick by
like the bottle
of pills that
cover the crisp
bathroom floor
escaping the pain
of emotionless
lipstick stains.
life comes to a halt
like the budding
drops of crimson
blood that paint
my favorite
bracelet running
away from the
emotionless
lipstick stains.

it's a compulsion
everything inside
is crumpling
    falling apart
         caving in
            for
                g
              e
           tt
         i
       n
    g
what it felt like
to continue.
it's a trigger
where it can't be
fixed or fought,
it just has to happen
and then you
cope
and
try
to push past it
and pretend like
at any moment
you won't  
collapse
in the hurricane
of emotions that
hurl through your body
and pulse through
your veins.

silence;
what we yearn for.
yet what is
silence.
simply there is
no
such thing as
silence.
we have never
heard
felt
lingered
experienced
silence.
how could we know.
the answer of
silence.
what we yearn for.

my wrist yearns to cry
my soul wills to break
my heart throbs to seize
spiraling into an inescapable
depth
darkness
death
paralyzing me
not in fear
but in reality
for this is what I want.
engulfed in silence
my wrist cries
my soul breaks
my heart seizes

throbbing, seizing, aching
a pain felt through pulses
fatally shredding purple wounds
not just a pleading heart
hastily trying to revive
a life not eager to be lived
a life drenched in sorrow
a life ending as we speak

the monster inside the mirror
is who ended the fight,
winning the battle
with only one casualty.
the battlefield of cold tile
scattered with shards of glass
spotted with tears of scarlet.
it was a war in her mind
fighting against herself
until her wrists would cry
and all other thoughts
were drowned out.
the monster inside the mirror
was the reoccurring bullet
aiming towards pain
a pain ending misery
with one weapon in hand
there was only one
choice but to end.
the rein of terror was done
and peace rang among
as her choice of death
rose above the smirk
of monster inside the mirror.

wind slithers around me
I sway on the edge,
between misery and fate.
the city below
crawls with adversaries,
continuing unknowingly
of what they are about to witness.
the hair on my neck rises
my feet leave the boundary of misery.
im flying,
free of pain,
free of guilt.
no longer broken,
now just a guardian of my troubled thoughts.