I
Could
Explore
His
Broken
Soul
&
Live
In It
Like a
Home

I want to yell and scream
scream at the top of my lungs
so the whole world knows
what you did, how you hurt me

I want to hit and kick
give you a black eye
so you will know
know the pain I feel

I want to stop loving you
not care anymore
so that maybe you can stop
stop breaking my heart

I don't feel hate though
my lungs won't scream
my fists won't clinch
because even after all this
**I still love you

If I were a tree
I would sway in the wind
Letting my leaves tremble and shake
Feeling the freedom of air all around them
For just a moment
they would understand the birds
The thrill of freely flying through the air
with nothing to ground them

I would let the birds
sit on my branches
feeling for a second
what it is like
to be supported, to be rooted
to have something to keep you from falling

Each will envy the other
not realizing what they have
would be a dream to another

There was no peace
There was no decency
No soul or heart
it was neither home nor house
it was cold and dim
the metal trapping me in
isolated but never truly alone
it was all I had
no where to go

What I know about him
1. His favorite color is grey
2. The body wash/shampoo he uses is called timber
3. His boxers are very comfy
4. His birthday is Halloween
5. He is a big blues fan
6. He played hockey for a very long time
7. He loves traveling
8. He loves the outdoors
9. Fashion has never been important to him
10. He takes a long time to think
11. There is no one I would rather be with
12. He is more emotional than I am at times
13. His feet are very ticklish
14. He grew up in a private school in STL
15. He is as confused by the church as I am
16. His eyelashes are longer than mine
17. His eyes are beautiful
18.   He hates the cold
19.   He believes in meaningful friendships
20.   He enjoys taking pictures but doesn't think he is very good
21.   He knows a lot of random trivia
What I love about him
1. He cares about people
2. The way he smells
3. What he wants for his future
4. How willing he is to give
5. That he lets me borrow his clothes
6. He is always up for an adventure
7. When he cares he cares deeply
8. He wants to save the world
9. He loves God
10. His family is amazing
11.   Even when he made mistakes his intentions were never malicious
12.   I know he will always be there for me
Ways I could love him better
1. Ask more questions
2. Have more patience
3. Don’t interrupt
4. Listen to what he is saying
What I don’t like**
1. He uses alcohol as a way to escape from his feelings/problems
2. He is always in pain, and you always know when he is in pain
3. The way he yells at his mom
4. Abi (his ex)

Loving someone is carrying the burden of their sadness on your back so they can have a chance to breath even if it is suffocating you

I don't understand
why we measure time

Time does not pass in a uniform action
Minutes can seem like seconds
and seconds like minutes

The amount of time we spent together seemed endless
but the amount of time it has been
since the last time we talked
seems infinite

The amount of time is not equal
to the amount of meaning
that something has

so if there is no meaning in time
why don't we measure meaning instead?

I don't understand why we measure time

It was curious to me
That he told me his deepest secrets
And trusted me
He didn't even say
don't tell anyone
He just trusted whole heartedly
Everything he had kept inside
Boiling up for years
Close to exploding out of him
But now that it is out
He never says for it to stay between us
He just assumes it will
No one has ever trusted me like this
I like it

I could write a million poems to you
but it would never be enough

Everything I have to say to you
is too much to ever put in words
I keep telling myself
you will fade out
I will forget about you
you won't matter anymore
I will cease to love you

But I don't think it works that way
all these years
even when we didn't talk
the ember in my heart stayed hot
just saying hi to you can bring it to a full blaze
and light my heart on fire once again

I don't believe there will ever not be a spot for you in my heart
the fire will never completely go out

I don't think you realised
How much those words hurt me
I know that wasn't your intention
But it doesn't take very many words
to break a heart
Maybe I am just insecure
and easily broken

It's not about you
Or that I love you
Or that I even like you
Because I don't

You fill a space
In my heart
That's not so easily occupied

And for now,
That will do

Even if I Don't Love You

Every time I laugh

I stop                   And I wonder

Was it too high pitched?
Did I laugh for too long?
Did it sound fake?
Is that why he hated my laugh???

Because of you
I can't enjoy laughing
because what you thought was funny
Was really (at best) cruel
and your excuses don't make up
for the fact that
my laugh will never seem the same
That every time I laugh
I just want to cry
because I am so scared people feel the same way as you did

The smell of sewer wafts through the air
Giving a beautiful view
An unbearable stench
Smoke fills in the spaces between peoples faces
The crowd filling in every space in the street
Leaving little room to walk
Just to watch as you slowly shuffle along
Store windows filled with souvenirs
The kind people bring back for friends they care little about
I watched as wooden dolls and straw hats are hustled to passerbys
Then something catches my eye
Tea
Only you know why

"are you okay?"
"yeah"*
if crying myself to sleep every night is okay
* if being too upset to eat is okay
* if being too emotionally drained to function is okay
* if being so upset I can't enjoy anything is okay

FFFFFFF                   A                TTTTTTTT
F                             A  A                       T
F                          A       A                     T
FFFF                  AAAAA                    T
F             ­          A             A                  T
F                     A                 A                T
F                    A                    A   ­           T

a half step back and a quick turn
brings our lips within inches of one another
you lean into me
your soft lips resting against mine
as your hand brushes across my side
landing on the small of my back
and pulling me in
to you
to that moment
everything falls away
nothing else exists
just your body against mine
as our lips playfully dance together

The morning I awake
To your arms around me

I am reminded
of how much I am loved
and how much I love you

I am reminded
of how safe I feel with you
and how I never want to be with out you

I am reminded
of what you mean to me,
*everything

I wish I could explain how much I love you
but those emotions can not be put into words
so I will never be able to let you know how much you mean to me
not even a sliver of what I feel you will understand

I'm sorry I hurt you in the past
It's the biggest mistake I ever made
you cared about me
and I threw it away
I threw you away
but I was the one who was a piece of trash
I regret that I didn't take in your love
I regret that I pushed you away

You are the only guy
who has loved me
and cared for me
and treated me like a lady
what else did I want from you?
I don't even remember.

I know that I am mean to you sometimes
sometimes I hope you will say something mean back
but you never do
you roll with the punches
and I'm sorry that I keep hitting
I just want a reaction
something, anything
but your face is a stone
and I don't know what you are thinking
I hope it's about me though

I wish I could let you know how much I care and I wish you would just care too.

I have so much I want to tell you
I want to tell you
How much I love you
Why I love you
That everything will be okay
That I want to help you through this
I want to explain why
Why things will be good
Why we should be together

But eventually all the words
Just become words
I just am rambling
Telling you things
That don't even pertain

The only words I have found that really matter are
I love you
And I know things will work out

We layed there silently
Gathering each other in our arms
Trying not to break each others hearts
anymore than we already had

I stared into his eyes
with a sort of wonder

"what are you looking at?"

"your eyes... They look so sad even when you smile,
I don't know how that could be."

He opened his eyes big and smiled wide
"what about now?"

We both laughed but only because
We didn't know what else to do

Then we quietly went back
To trying not to break each others hearts
But we weren't very good at that

Your an idiot who can't get over yourself
All you care about is your emotions, you don't think about anyone else's
You use your disorder as a hall pass to do whatever you want
You use people
You ******* used me.
I hate you so ******* much.
I never use to curse,
But look at me now.
******* Evan
*******

keeps me in a trance
somewhere between consciousness
and dreaming
I lay there
replaying every moment
        we spent together
reliving every sweet moment
        our bodies touched
and I still wonder
why I wasn't good enough for you

I think we forget
to take pleasure in the small things

If we listened to rain
as if it were a symphony of angels
Maybe we wouldn't mind so much
if our plans got rained out

If we watched each sunset
as if we might never see another again
Maybe we would notice
how beautiful it really is

If we took in every compliment
without hesitation
Maybe we would realize
that we really are beautiful

But we tend to shrug these off
instead of really enjoying them

I haven't stopped dreaming about you
I wish I could
each night you sneak into my dreams
tip toe in and take control
we share a dance or a kiss
and I fall in love with you a little more

But I wake up sad and confused
because although you choose to be mine
in this far off world that is my dream
I know you don't remember dreams
you never have
so every morning you have no recollection
of the love we shared

So you go on with your life
giving your love to other people
giving your love to her

But you will never know
how much love I have given you

After you were gone
tears streamed down my face

Not because I thought you didn't love me
Not because I thought our relationship was a waste
Not because you were ruining some future I had planned
Not because I thought you were "the one"

I cried because I was afraid
I didn't want to lose my best friend

My heart was heavy
But his smile was light
He made everything feel right

He didn't judge me
He never questioned me
He loved me for who I am

He didn't push me
He never tried to hurt me
He just stood by my side cheering me on

When I would get sad
And cry through the night
He would lay there and hold my hand tight

I wanted to tell him
The three most important words
But I still haven't found courage or time

I feel so ******* pathetic
Laying in this bed
Crying my heart out

It hurts me to know
That you aren't hurt
That you don't care
That you don't love me

And I can't do anything about it

Except lay here and cry

Some thoughts come out
Like persuasive businessmen
Convincing you to buy something
you didn't even know existed

And other thoughts come out
Like stumbling drunks
On cold Thursday nights
Lonely and confused, with nowhere to go

I watched as cars rushed past the large windows
Each one bouncing sunlight back in at us

I listened to every word you said
Even if I didn't understand what you meant
Even if I didn't care for the topic
I cared about you

I looked back into your eyes
gleaming in the ever present sunlight
I swear I've never seen a shade of green so beautiful

Together we strode through the park
Gathering the sweet scent of spring
The flowers had blossomed and the birds were singing
It was a beautiful day, just you and I

I picked flowers all along the trail
But only one I kept
It sat in my room but not unnoticed
The scent on its own could draw anyone in
Not to mention its captivating beauty

As each day got warmer spring was forgotten
And summer dawned with a force unlike any other
The spring flower slipped through the cracks
It was nearly forgotten

One scorching day I unearthed it from its den
The fragrance was no longer what it had been
This flattened flower was no longer alive
But it's beauty still shined rough
And I realized this flower was me and you

I grew up being told
You can do whatever you want
You can have whatever you want
You can achieve anything
if you try hard enough

And as beautifully motivational and uplifting as this is

It isn't true all the time

You can't just have whatever you want
Sometimes people stand in the way
Sometimes your obstacles are too big
Sometimes its better to find something new to strive for

You can't get so set on something
because you've been told its possible
that you pull yourself apart trying to achieve it

You can't do everything
There aren't enough hours in the day

And for some it comes down to luck

I am on the other side of this thing
Not to say I am over it
But I can see things clearer
My thoughts aren't fogged
with a billion emotions
And I now see that
     You needed this
     I needed this
     We needed this
As much as I miss you
I am happy to have been
apart from you as well
To do things on my own for a while
be spontaneous
Not worry about anothers opinion

And although the future is still a mystery to me
**I know that I am where I need to be right now

someone planted a seed of sadness inside of him along time ago
it took root and began to bloom before he even knew
at first he fought it, trying to trim it down, choke it out
but it was tougher than he expected
so he learned to live with it
but each day it grew, its roots reaching to the tips of his toes
it poisoned any joy that tried to reclaim him
he started watering it and caring for it
more than he even did himself
It became so apart of him that he could not separate the two
he no longer wanted it to die
for fear that its death
might **** him

We stayed up late
and talked for hours
We spoke words we had never uttered before
let thoughts escape our lips before we could think twice

We talked about those who had hurt us
and those we were afraid might
and how we had hurt ourselves

When we spoke of escaping i said
"I always liked the idea of jumping"
But he had a better plan
"I would take a knife a cut open my heart"
When I asked why he said
"I like the symbolism"

Maybe our souls are connected in some way
How else could this be
How else would you know how to calm me
Or hold me just right
Tight in your arms at night
Our conversations are like no other
Going on for hours about nothing and everything

Maybe I'm just like the rest of them
Lost in the blindness of an infatuation
That I have mistaken for adoration
But it would be hard for me to deny
That sometimes I think you are *the one

I started wondering when the grey skies above
would stop pouring down
and the clouds would float away
to reveal a bright blue sky

Then I remembered the saying
as cheesy as it may be
April showers
bring May flowers

And that is my hope
maybe our love needed some rain
so it could blossom
in beautiful colors

So until these clouds pass
I will try to dance in the rain
with the hopes of spring
brightening my view

I met a broken boy
who used to love a broken girl
But her sharp edges
had finally scraped is heart
and he went running away

I used to think
I was good with glue
So I learned to love
this broken boy and his fragile pieces
as I put them back together

But once he was whole he ran away
Back to the broken girl
who he loved so dearly

It wasn't until his absence
that i looked in the mirror
And realized I was in pieces
cut up by the boy who
I tried so hard to help
him unaware of how much he hurt me

I tried to glue me back together
But I learned it to be impossible
In such a short period of time
So my broken self pretended to be whole

A new boy came into my life
he hasn't seen my cracks
hasn't felt the sharp edges
barely knows who I am

My fear is that I will break him
and the trend will continue
but i don't want that to happen

I want to love him

The only thing worse than being hurt is knowing you are hurting someone else