I was a rich tycoon who was obsessed with greed.
I wanted more and more money even though it was something I didn't need.
Something happened to me and I'd like to explain how but I can't.
My personality completely changed after I had a heart transplant.
Instead of wanting to make more money, I'm giving money to the poor.
Things completely changed after my operation, I'm nothing like I was before.
I own four apartment buildings and I was a slumlord.
The tenants hated me, I wasn't a man who they adored.
The apartments weren't fit to live in but I had all of them repaired.
In the past, I didn't give a **** about my tenants but now I care.
I learned that my new heart came from a man who was only twenty years old.
Before he died of cancer, he was the salt of the earth with a heart of gold.
He gave money to charities and always put his needs before the needs of others.
When I got his heart, I also got his personality and I think of all men as brothers.
I don't know how this happened but there is one thing that I do understand.
I've become a very good person because I received the heart of a good man.

I agreed to do a lot of yard work for a man for 125 bucks.
I did the work but when I asked for the money, he said that I was ******.
Before he slammed the door in my face, he gave me the bird.
I'd never seen such behavior before, it was absolutely absurd.
To get even, I cut down two trees and they fell on his house and fractured his roof.
When he confronted me, I knocked his teeth out, he doesn't even have one tooth.
I'm a bad man when I get ******, people will pay me what they owe.
If I work for you and you don't pay, the hospital is where you will go.

Even though my wife is somebody who I love and adore,
She decided not to let me touch or see her ***** anymore.
Every time I wanted to see or caress them, she said  no and I would cry.
She wouldn't let me anywhere near them and she told me the reason why.
She said that  I couldn't see or touch them because I'm poor.
She said that I could see and touch them if I got rich but not before.
But I've always been so poor that I'm destitute.
Last month, I decided to rob a bank to get the loot.
I was caught by the cops after they shot me in the ****.
I knew  that I would go to jail, I knew that I was licked.
After a doctor examined  me, he said that I can no longer father children and I'm depressed.
I'm sterile and I'll be spending many years in prison because of my wife's *******.

When Rocky Balboa returned from Russia, he'd been cheated out of his money, he didn't have a penny.
I was at his estate sale and I bought his Lamborghini.
But Rocky followed me home and said that he was ready to attack.
He said he'd break every bone in my body if I didn't give the car back.
Rocky was with his son and he was trying to prove that he was a tough guy.
I kicked him in the nuts and his son was shocked because Rocky started to cry.
Rocky's son thought his dad was as tough as a gorilla but he turned out to be a wimp.
He lost a lot of respect for his dad, now when he looks like him, he thinks of him as a chimp.
You may believe that Rocky is tough but he's not.
Rocky turned out not to be as tough as he thought.

Three convenience store employees thought what they did was funny but I think it was cruel.
Those three people said that I won a thirty million dollar lottery and then yelled "April Fool".
They sold me a fake lottery ticket with the winning numbers.
They started laughing and said that a person couldn't be any dumber.
For a few minutes, they tricked me into believing that I was a rich man.
I thought that I could drive a Rolls Royce and throw away my minivan.
When those idiots yelled "April Fool", all hell broke loose.
They thought it was funny and didn't expect such abuse.
I beat the hell out of all three of them and they made loud thuds when they fell.
I'm as poor as I ever was and now I will be spending the next year or two in jail.
I'm in a lot of trouble, I also broke some other things in addition to breaking the law.
When I repeatedly punched those convenience store clerks, I broke their ribs and jaws.
My obese mother-in-law just yelled "April Fool" after saying that she was going to pay my bail.
I just knocked her on her bloated **** so now I guess I'll be spending even more time in jail.

You've designed a new electric car and it's being built on the assembly line.
You've been pestering me to buy one but I never will, one of your cars will never be mine.
You want me to buy one but I'm going to pass.
Your car ***** and you can shove it up your ***.
It takes fourteen hours to charge it and it can only be driven for thirty minutes.
Your car is a joke and when it comes to one of them, you'll never see me in it.
If I couldn't design a better car than yours, I'd give up and quit.
I will never buy one of your cars because they are pieces of ****.

A British actor entertained people as Selwyn Froggitt and The Gaffer.
During his 89 years of life, Bill Maynard gave millions the gift of laughter.
He starred in a few episodes of both 'Worzel Gummidge' and 'Heartbeat'.
He starred once in both 'The Ugliest Girl In Town' and 'Coronation Street'.

When he died, it was hard for all of his fans to get a grip.
He died in a hospital not long after falling and breaking his hip.
It was twelve months ago when he passed away.
Sadly, we lost a talented actor one year ago today.

I bought a shotgun at a flea market without knowing that it was used to commit a horrible crime.
The former owner used the shotgun to **** an entire family and I was about to have to do hard time.
The police came to my house and confiscated the shotgun.
They thought I was the guilty party, they thought I was the one.
The entire world turned against me, I was a person who billions of people hated.
People said that I should go to the gas chamber and if I did, it would be celebrated.
Even though the public had turned against me, I convinced the police to have doubts.
I told them over and over that somebody else was the killer and they decided to check it out.
They found the real killer and it wasn't long before he was placed under arrest.
The cops showed him the bodies of his victims and he broke down and confessed.
Even though I was put through hell, I'm not mad.
The real killer was brought to justice and I'm glad.
Many people have mailed apologies to me and one of the reasons why billions turned against me is because I'm mentally ill.
They thought I was a crazy ****** but now when it comes to committing ******, everybody knows that I never will.

I have a story to tell but it's not for the faint of heart, it is scary.
I bought a farm and discovered that it has a cursed Pet Sematary.
I buried my German Shepherd there and he came back to life.
But he was extremely violent, he killed my daughter and my wife.
My dog was foaming at the mouth and I shot him in the head.
He fell to the floor, this made the second time that he was dead.
My neighbor buried his son in the Pet Sematary and he too returned to life.
When he tried to hug his resurrected son, he got his throat cut out with a knife.
I told my neighbor if he buried his son in the Sematsry, things would become worse.
He didn't listen when I said that his son would be evil because the Sematary is cursed.
When his son saw me, he cut my left arm off with my own chainsaw.
But before he could finish me off, he was shot by an officer of the law.
If you bury something or somebody in this Pet Sematary, you'll have a lot to fear.
I've decided to sell my farm and get the hell out of here.

It was my moral duty to operate and in many people's eyes, I was admired.
I did what needed to be done and because of that, I was fired.
Four years ago, a baby was born with Down Syndrome and he had a heart defect.
Because of his mental impairment, he was a baby who his parents chose to reject.
I told the parents that without an operation, their baby would die.
They told me not to operate and sadly, I understood the reason why.
They wanted him to die because of his Down Syndrome and some others and I protested.
The parents were taken to court but the judge agreed with what the parents requested.
Even though that **** judge upheld the parents decision, I operated anyway.
I saved that baby's life but my superiors were outraged and decided to make me pay.
I was fired but because of public outcry, they said that I would be reinstated.
I told them to go jump off a cliff, I wouldn't work for a hospital that I hated.
I was fired because of my moral scruples but I had the last laugh.
Now I work at a better hospital and I've become the Chief of Staff.

Yesterday, I ordered a pizza and washed my hands and then I had a fit.
When I came to the table, I saw that my family was eating all of it.
They grabbed the entire pizza, they didn't even leave me one slice.
That was inconsiderate of my family, it certainly wasn't nice.
Today, I ordered a pizza with anchovies which my entire family hates.
They wouldn't touch the pizza and they thought what I did wasn't great.
They were all angry because they didn't get their meal.
So I told the jerks that now they know how I feel.

My evil stepmother and I became lovers and we killed my dad.
We did it so that we could get all of the money that he had.
We were greedy and we made sure that Dad would Rest in Peace.
But we made a fundamental mistake, we underestimated the police.

I pushed Dad off the roof and tried to make it look like he accidentally fell.
But the police didn't buy it and now my stepmother and I are rotting in jail.
The cops figured out that my stepmother and I were lovers.
They used their ingenuity to make us turn on one another.

Now as I sit in my cell, I feel pretty bad.
I feel like a piece of trash for killing Dad.
Dad had over a hundred million dollars but in the end, it did me no good.
If I could travel back in time to stop myself from killing my father, I would.

When it comes to underprivileged people, you are nothing but an abuser.
You believe that people who get food stamps and other free food are losers.
When a church gave free food to the poor, you said that church supports bums.
You look down on people who are less fortunate than yourself and that is dumb.

You judge people who can't afford to pay for the food that they eat.
They struggle to pay bills and they have trouble making ends meet.
When I call you a stuck up twit, it's certainly true.
If anybody qualifies to be a loser, it is you.

It's such a great day that it makes a man want to sing.
I'm very happy because today is the first day of Spring.
Knowing that the bitterness of Winter is over is sure to please.
Warm weather is coming and the leaves will return to the trees.
When March arrives, there's something that I always hold dear.
The cold weather will leave, Spring is my favorite time of the year.

A man has kidnapped two people and is demanding 50 million for their safe return.
But people have discovered who the two hostages are and they are not concerned.
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are the two people who have been kidnapped.
People won't give a plug nickel for the safe return of those two pieces of crap.
Clinton and Trump won't be coming home any time soon, they are trapped.
If somebody does pay the ransom, he or she will certainly deserve to be slapped.

I broke one of God's Commandments when I stole an extension cord.
I was struck by a bolt of lightning because I angered The Lord.
God is cracking down on those who break his Ten Commandments.
You'd better listen to what I'm saying because I'm making a lot of sense.
When I chose to be a used car salesman, it wasn't a decision that was wise.
God struck me with leprosy because it's my job to constantly tell lies.
I haven't broken just a few of God's Commandments, I've broken all ten.
God is cracking down, he is making me pay for each and every sin.
Because I've become a *****, I can't get a date with a woman on any night.
When women see me, they wet themselves and start running because of fright.
I have this advice for you, God's Ten Commandments are what you must obey.
God is cracking down, if you break any of his Commandments, you will pay.

It pains me to say that my ***** is only half an inch long.
It's extremely embarrassing because I have a tiny *******.
I never use urinals while out in public, I only use stalls.
I can not let other men know that my ***** is so small.

I got so mad at my ex-wife that I wanted to beat her.
She was going to tell my friends and co-workers about my tiny peter.
I said if she exposed me, I'd expose her baldness and that she wears a wig.
My ex-wife had our marriage annulled because my wiener isn't very big.

Women say that ***** size isn't important to them but it's more important than they admit.
A blind date started making fun of my tiny wiener so I started making fun of her tiny ****.
When it comes to being successful with women, I don't have a chance.
If you have a small ****, don't let anybody see it, keep it in your pants.

You wanted revenge against a man because he was sleeping with your wife.
So you dragged him into a dark alley and stabbed him to death with a knife.
You felt pretty good because you got rid of your wife's lover.
But you killed the wrong one, you killed the man's twin brother.

You didn't know that your wife's lover had an identical twin.
You stabbed him ninety times, you stabbed him over and over again.
You must have been boiling with hate to stab him that many times.
Karma caught up with you, you're in jail for committing that crime.

You robbed that poor man's family of a husband and dad.
You killed somebody who was innocent and that is so sad.
When I look into your eyes, I can see the remorse that you feel.
You got life without parole so when it comes to being released from prison, you never will.

Your wife isn't carrying your baby, she's carrying mine.
She wanted me to marry her but I had to decline.
She didn't want tongues to wag about her being an ***** mother.
She was afraid of people's reactions, that's why she married you after becoming your lover.
She pushed her mother down the stairs because she's very mean.
She posted naked pictures of me on Facebook, she's also obscene.
I'd had enough of her cruel behavior and I decided to dump her then and there.
When I learned she told you that you're the father, I had to tell you because it's unfair.
I can't let her do this to you, I can't and won't keep quiet.
You may not believe me and you may even want to fight.
When the baby is born, I'll tell you what you must do and it will be for the best.
You can prove that she's pulling the wool over your eyes with a DNA test.
I will gladly give her money for child support because it's my baby.
And when I tell you that you must have your marriage annulled, I don't mean maybe.

All I have to do is paint a portrait of somebody being dead and he or she dies in real life.
I've painted portraits of my former boss, my in-laws and I also painted a portrait of my wife.
I've been given a magical power but I don't know where it came from.
My killing spree is not going to end, there will be more deaths to come.
I'm going to paint portraits of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.
Then I'll paint portraits of the creators of the new Doctor Who TV show, I'll get rid of all of those chumps.
I'm also going to paint a portrait of a bully who I went to school with.
He'd better enjoy what time he has left because he won't have long to live.
I will never see the inside of a courtroom, I will never be tried.
If you don't want your portrait to be painted, don't get on my bad side.

I owe money to a man named Robert G. Durant.
I want to pay him the money I owe but I can't.
He cuts off the fingers of people who don't pay him money.
You may find it amusing but I sure as hell don't think it's funny.
He cut off all of my fingers, he didn't even spare one.
I couldn't even pick my nose after he was done.
I want to give Durant the bird but I don't have the finger to do it with.
I'd chop his ***** off with a lightsaber if I had fingers and if I was a Sith.
You'd better take my advice because it sure isn't a lie.
Pay Robert Durant or you can kiss your fingers goodbye.

When he was born, God gave him a special gift.
He was a British actor who was named Clive Swift.
He starred as Richard Bucket and Roy Bowden in 'Keeping Up Appearances' and 'The Old Guys'.
He was a remarkable actor and it's a **** shame when such a person dies.
Because of the talent God gave to him, he was extraordinary.
Sadly, this great man lost his life on the first day of February.

The doctors did everything they could to save you but it wasn't a success.
I knew you were dead when I saw you lying on the hospital bed motionless.
When the nurse examined you, she confirmed that you were gone.
I knew life would never be the same and it would be hard to go on.

You were buried with a stuffed Easter Bunny and a card that I bought for you.
When they lowered you into the ground, saying goodbye was hard to do.
You died on a Wednesday which was your least favorite day.
It has been six years since the date when you passed away.

This year, the anniversary of your death has landed on Wednesday.
You despised that day of the week and your death made my life gray.
When you were in the hospital, you were also visited by your niece.
You were the greatest mother on the planet, may you Rest in Peace.

The Kool-Aid Man isn't cool at all, he's actually a ****.
He's a low life **** bag who poisons people with drugs.
He puts the drugs in the kool-aid, mostly ******* and ****.
He doesn't care that his products cause addiction and death.
He doesn't care who he hurts just as long as he gets paid.
The cops just found his hideout, it's a raid.
He fired at the police because he's out of control.
The police just opened fire and filled him full of holes.
But instead of spilling blood, kool-aid was what was spilled.
Everybody can rest easy because the Kool-Aid Man has been killed.
That's the end of the Kool-Aid Man distributing coke and ****.
The Kool-Aid Man flipped off the cops with his final breath.
The Kool-Aid Man fought the law but he didn't win.
That fat and bloated punk will never say "Oh Yeah!" again.

I moved to this neighborhood forty-two years ago today.
I moved here six months before Elvis Presley passed away.
Crosby Park is the name of my neighborhood.
I've been here for a long time and I'll be here for good.
I still remember the day when I moved here.
It's been over four decades, that's a lot of years.
I became the owner of my property eight years ago in 2011.
My parents gave it to me two years before they went to Heaven.
I moved to Crosby Park forty-two years ago today.
I've been here since I was five and I'm here to stay.

I have a son who is so stupid that I want to give him a slap.
He wanted hushpuppies and I said "We got no time for that crap!"
I'm Buford T. Justice and I'm a bubblegum machine.
I'm the best sheriff that the state of Texas has ever seen.
I've been chasing a man who calls himself the Bandit.
He frustrates me so **** much that I can't stand it.
I've tried and tried but he's somebody who I can't catch.
He drives 110 miles per hour, I've finally met my match.
When I starred in the 3rd Bandit movie, the Bandit turned out to be fake.
My idiotic son and I will catch the real Bandit no matter what it takes.

Certain people like the new Doctor Who TV show but I think It's foul.
If I had a choice between watching it and having dental surgery, I'd choose a root canal.
And rather than watching Doctor Who, I'd rather have that root canal without anesthetic.
I stopped watching the new Doctor Who because It's pathetic.
I loved the classic Doctor Who television show, it was my favorite show on TV.
And I honestly believe that the new Doctor Who has been ruined by the BBC.
If you like and want to watch the new Doctor Who, that's okay.
But If I had a Genie, I'd wish for that **** TV show to go away.

One day Barney Fife was practicing his quick draw.
He accidentally shot Thelma Lou, he broke the law.
Andy had no choice but to put Barney in jail.
But Andy let Barney out when he said he had a crop of marijuana to sell.
Barney offered Andy a fifty-fifty deal.
But Andy wanted it all, he decided to steal.
He shot poor Barney and dumped his body in Myers Lake.
Andy became furious when he learned the marijuana was fake.
The crop of marijuana turned out to be oregano.
Andy was arrested and jail was where he had to go.
Andy will be pounding rocks for the rest of his days.
The Sheriff soon learned that crime doesn't pay.

I didn't get much schooling so I can't read or write.
Many people don't understand my situation and plight.
I thought I was buying sugar but I bought salt.
My cake made people puke and it was my fault.
When I drive, I can't read stop signs so I always crash.
Over thirty people have sued because of whiplash.
When I was seven, Dad wouldn't let me go to school anymore.
When a person can't read or write, it closes so many doors.
I can count to ten but I have to use my fingers and thumbs.
And if you actually believe I can't read or write after reading this poem, you are dumb.

I learned the hard way that real bears aren't like Winnie the Pooh.
I decided to pet one and I soon learned it was a stupid thing to do.
When I tried to pet him, he bit off my hand.
I can no longer drive a taxi so I was canned.

I thought that all bears were like Winnie the Pooh, kind and gentle.
When my wife learned that I lost my hand and job, she went mental.
My wife used to be understanding and sweet, we used to laugh and cuddle.
As she walked out the door, I kicked her in the **** and she landed in a mud puddle.

She didn't want a man with no job and no hand so she decided to leave.
But getting a swift kick in the **** wasn't something she expected to receive.
If you've seen Child's Play, you'll understand that my wife has the temper of Chucky.
Losing my hand and job caused me to lose that witch so I guess that I'm pretty lucky.

Let me tell you about Barney Rubble.
He's a criminal who is in big trouble.
Barney lost his job and Bamm-Bamm was taken by the state.
That made him turn mean, he has been consumed by hate.
He and Fred Flintstone are enemies noe, he's gotten himself in a mess.
Barney looked through Fred's window and watched Wilma undress.
Wilma knew that he was watching but didn't care.
She didn't mind him seeing her while she was bare.
Barney bought a new car after he kidnapped Pebbles and sold her on the Black Market.
But the bank took his house so he had no place to park it.
All of this started because Barney lost his son.
Now Fred is out looking for Barney with a gun.
Fred is determined to shoot his former friend and watch him die.
He just found Barney so now Barney can kiss his **** goodbye.

I welcome 2019, I'm glad it's here.
I hope it will be an excellent year.
Many years ago on every New Year's Day, Mom cooked hog jowls and black eyed peas.
But I didn't like those meals very much, I wasn't pleased.
Sadly, I now spend New Year days alone because Mom is deceased.
I certainly hope that the year 2019 will be a year of prosperity and peace.
God has given me another year to live and for that, he deserves my praise.
I will love, praise and worship The Lord for the remainder of my days.
I hope that 2019 will be a good year for others and myself.
And I wish everybody a year of happiness and good health.

The end of 2018 is very near.
In just a matter of hours, 2019 will become the new year.
2018 was a sad year because my aunt died.
After 43 years of marriage, my uncle lost his bride.
But 2018 didn't completely ****, I've seen worse years.
In just a matter of hours, 2019 will be here.

My son asked for a video game console and I ended up being sorry.
I went Christmas shopping at a flea market and bought him an Atari.
When he unwrapped the Atari 5200 on Christmas morning, he had a fit.
He has blessed me out before but this is the only time that I've been hit.

He took a sledgehammer to his gift that he hated.
It was over thirty-five years old, it was outdated.
He called me stupid because I bought him a console that is 8-bit.
He said he wanted a PS4 or XBOX One and then he threw his fit.

I had all of his BS that I could stand so I put him over my knee.
His **** is black and blue because of the way he treated me.
I gave him a good spanking because he crossed the line.
Because of that Atari 5200, I put blisters where the sun doesn't shine.

I gave my daughter $10,000 for Christmas and she gave me a hammer and a box of nails.
I tried to raise her properly but obviously I failed.
I give her $10,000 every year and she gives me a piece of crap.
It takes all of my will power to stop myself from giving her a slap.

Last year, the ungrateful witch gave me a plunger.
Now I'm broke and about to die because of hunger.
I'm not a rich man but when it comes to the ten grand, she expects to receive it.
When it comes to the lousy gifts she gives, it's probably hard for you to believe it.

One year she gave me a turkey baster and another year, she gave me a broken rod and reel.
If she wasn't my only daughter, I would hire a hitman to ****.
She demands $10,000 every year even though it's so steep.
She never buys me a good present because she's too cheap.

Last year, the Grinch stole the presents and my Christmas Tree.
This year I'm making that green freak pay for what he did to me.
I've been turning the Grinch every way but loose.
What I'm doing would shock even DR. Seuss.
When he opened my door, his head got burned by a blowtorch.
Now his head has third degree burns because it is scorched.
I put a plank on the floor with nails sticking out.
He just stepped on those nails and the entire neighborhood can hear him shout.
If you could hear his naughty language, this poem would be Rated R.
He's green and furry so he's not Human, maybe he's from Mars.
I made an iron fall on his head and I'm pelting his head with bricks.
The Grinch is giving up and leaving because he knows when he is licked.
I got my revenge and I got it all on my own.
You may be wondering how I did those things, it's because I'm a fan of Home Alone.

When I learned about his death, it was hard to believe.
An actor died twenty years ago today on Christmas Eve.
Sadly, he died at the young age of twenty-six.
He starred in The Supernaturals, A Smoky Mountain Christmas and other flicks.

He starred in The Dukes of Hazzard and Magnum P.I. as well.
He tried to beat Colon Cancer but sadly, he was destined to fail.
When a person dies on Christmas Eve, it's a shame.
He was a talented actor and Chad Sheets was his name.

Most children want toys for Christmas but I wanted revenge.
Santa put me on his naughty list and what I did made him cringe.
I called the cops and told them that Santa molested me.
The cops went to the North Pole and arrested him, there will be no presents under people's trees.

He put me on the naughty list because I yanked a girl's ponytail.
The punishment didn't fit the crime so now Santa is rotting in jail.
What Santa did was unfair so now I'm making him pay.
And he's really unhappy because his cellmate is gay.

I heard that Santa has been sexually assaulted every day he's been in jail.
There is no money at the North Pole so the elves aren't able to post bail.
What I did may have been wrong but it feels so right.
I got revenge and no gifts will be delivered on Christmas night.

My name is Timmy and I had a dog named Lassie.
My father is an alcoholic and my mother is sassy.
Mom has affairs with every man who comes to town.
When it comes to Mom, you'd better believe she's been around.
My mom is pregnant but it isn't Dad's baby.
I had to shoot Lassie because she had rabies.
But before I could shoot her, she sank her teeth into my *****.
I had to get some painful shots and I didn't like that at all.
Lassie got out because Dad was drunk and didn't shut the door.
Lassie got in a fight with a rabid wolf and my ***** are still sore.
I constantly daydream about being kidnapped.
I want somebody to take me away from this crap.
My mom is the loosest woman in town and my dad stays plastered.
Mom and Dad never got married so I guess that makes me a *******.

I won't be home for Christmas even though I tried.
I won't be home because my parole was denied.
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't buy her a $20,000 ring.
I robbed a bank to get the money and my *** was in a sling.
This may be hard for you to believe.
I robbed that bank on Christmas Eve.
A policeman put a bullet in my *** when he fired a shot.
I couldn't sit down for weeks and 20 years was what I got.
True to her word, my wife did leave.
She abandoned her family on Christmas Eve.
My twenty year old son is a pervert, he wears ******* and bras.
And even though he's twenty, he still believes in Santa Claus.
He's been taking care of his younger siblings ever since I was put away.
But he's an alcoholic who will sell his siblings in order to get drunk on Christmas Day.
Before my wife packed her bags and left for good, she threw a hissy fit.
Now I realize that when it came to committing that crime, she wasn't worth it.

Something happened and my son is ******.
He found out that he's on Santa's naughty list.
But he's not only on that list this year, he's on it permanently.
When I tell you why he's been banned, it will be clear to see.
My son put hair remover in my shampoo.
And when I sat in my chair, I sat on super glue.
Thinking about what he'll do next, fills me with dread.
Yesterday, the brat put a live rattlesnake in his sister's bed.
He sold all of my clothes and bought an XBOX One.
Now I have to go out in public in my underwear because of my stupid son.
He spiked his mother's coffee and when she drove to work, she was drunk.
My son is on Santa's naughty list forever because he's nothing but a punk.

The Christmas of 2012 was the last Christmas that you celebrated on Earth.
You were a kind and loving mother for 41 and a half years after my birth.
When March the 6th arrived, you wouldn't have a tomorrow.
It took two years for me to get over the pain and sorrow.
I can't spend anymore Christmases with you, now I spend my Christmases alone.
You were a terrific woman and the best person who I've ever known.
March of 2013 was the worst month and year that I've ever experienced.
When you passed away, it hurt me terribly and I've missed you ever since.
But I feel much better now, time does heal a man's wounds.
Merry Christmas Mom, I'm sorry that you died too soon.

I have a sad story that requires music that's played by a fiddle.
I've been wounded and I'm spending Black Friday at the hospital.
Gamestop announced that they were knocking 80 percent off of Playstation 4s.
Less than one hour later, paramedics wheeled me through the hospital doors.
I tried to grab a PS4 from a woman, I thought because she was a woman, she wouldn't put up a fight.
But she stabbed, clawed, poked and she even decided to bite.
I really wanted that Playstation 4 because of how little it cost.
But when that woman was through, a lot of my blood was lost.
I'm at the hospital on Black Friday and it's a real shame.
Why did I want that PS4, I don't even like video games.

People should be thankful for their families.
We should be thankful not to be in a country that is plagued by starvation and disease.
We should be thankful for our Thanksgiving meals because starving people don't have it to eat.
We should be thankful to have our homes instead of being homeless and living on the streets.
We should be thankful to be healthy and to still be living.
We have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

He created The Incredible Hulk and The Amazing Spider-Man.
Stan Lee has died and it has devastated millions of his fans.
He also created The Fantastic Four.
But he didn't stop there, he created even more.

Fans are sad because he didn't survive.
But he did have a long life, he was 95.
If it wasn't for him, the X-Men wouldn't exist.
He was loved by many and he will be missed.

This is a special day because it's Veterans Day.
We celebrate because certain people fought for the USA.
Veterans put their lives on the line so that we can be free.
Veterans are important to you and they're important to me.
It's heart breaking to know that some Veterans are homeless.
They are heroes who we should ask God to bless.

This morning, I experienced some good luck.
I bought a Chihuahua for one hundred bucks.
My new dog is brown and his name is Red.
He will be my dog for many years ahead.
Like other dogs, he probably loves to gnaw on bones.
Red makes the third Chihuahua dog that I own.

On November the 6th, I voted against Phil Bredesen.
Yesterday, I was pleased to learn that he didn't win.
I also voted against Bredesen once before.
Back in 2006, when he was Tennessee's Governor.
This time he was running to be Tennessee's Senator.
I didn't like how he did his job when he was Governor.
Now he's licking his wounds because he didn't win.
Many of Tennessee's residents voted against Bredesen.

Instead of behaving like a civilized Human Being, Hell was what he chose to raise.
My brother had a fit because I used the last of his mayonnaise.
I used the last of it to make some coleslaw.
The nut got so mad that he called the law.

He actually had me arrested for theft.
All because there was no mayonnaise left.
Today, I replaced his mayo but I accidentally got mayo that's light.
He became enraged because of my mistake and was ready to fight.

He cussed me out and called me every name in the book.
Now he's unconscious because I have a strong right hook.
I've had all of his BS that I can stand, I can't stand anymore.
Even though he's bigger than me, I made him eat the floor.

Our world has been consumed by violence and greed.
But instead of needing wealth, God is all that I need.
When people find religion, there is no greater reward.
I have three important words to say, "Praise The Lord!"
When we suffer, God feels our pain.
Believe in him and eternal life is what you'll gain.
God knows that we're not perfect, everybody commits sins.
Even though we have flaws, God loves women and men.
As God looks at people, we are being adored.
I'll say those three words again, "Praise The Lord!"