i got admitted to a place to learn a new language
i met saints and ancient evils along the way

have you ever felt like growing colorful?

today marks a year after this place got a new paint job

i got admitted to attain new colors again
and this paint job simply never ends

she's counting her bills
and counting on her prayers

he left before she knew what it meant to stay

she spent years of her childhood building herself alone
hoping that she would be loved when fully built

she ate her pride and drank her hopes, then
she lost her pride and bought new hopes

she's spending years building herself alone
for herself alone

she figured out what it means to stay

she's counting on her bills
and counting her prayers

some people have their heads in the cloud because they're falling stars
some people dance in the rain because they can't take shelter

i'm not watering down your fight
i'm not burying my might

some days you ask where this plane is going and some days you realize you're on a train
most days you don't

how free are you?
does it matter?

the sky guarding your sleep
the clouds keeping you warm
the wind whispering lullabies
the fire dying and resurrecting
the wolves calling for moons
the trees shivering

i asked mother nature once
she loves you

i met someone approximately six years ago
he resembles you so much
i thought you were his brother
he thought i cared about him

the year after that, i got to know someone
but i never got to know him fully
at least not until three years after that
he took long to be understood; but he is

then you thought i would stay by your side
i wanted to, but never did
you're taking long to be understood
and when i thought you are, you aren't

so to answer your question,
i have met thousands of your kind
and have met you for the first time twice
but you, sir, still remain a question for me

i remember being in a car when i was four years old, looking outside and smiling, being thankful that it hadn't rained for months.
i remember walking down this very pavement when it was slippery and i was six and wanting nothing else but to go home
i remember going to my best friend's house when water flooded the streets, i fell down and bruised my knee
i remember seeing a woman lose her shoe during a flood

i feel like i wasn't made to love rain. i love it when it ends. i love the smell of the grass after it rains. i love rainbows. i love all the cliches of it.

to answer your question,
i loved the rain exactly twice in my life
the second one being last june
you left in july and i haven't loved rain since

I'm sorry you couldn't sleep I'm sorry you were awake in someone else's dream I'm sorry it was mine again

do you ever miss home
do you ever miss the people chanting your name
do you ever miss hearing your name pronounced properly
do you ever miss this shade of red
do you ever miss home?

she's the violent pouring rain.

this lightning strikes the same way every time it rains. the same boy hides every time it blares. his mother stays to shoo his fears. the girl goes outside to see her favorite color.

he said she has gone out of reach. she said she's getting better. he said she should've stayed. she said he should've listened.

his mother sits beside him to soothe his wounds.

he's the smell of the grass after rain,
and she can't stand ending herself.

tonight it got so hard and i called you
saturday, i said

maybe you'd forgive me for leaving you
on that day when you decided not to stay
i'm sorry that you went astray
i just realized that i did too

i'm sorry that i had the heart to ask for forever
without asking myself how long it could get
we went on our separate ways with our egos above water
with bags of our dreams that were already dead

tonight it got so hard and i called you
saturday, i said
maybe we can find our way back home
maybe i can finally feel not alone

a lot changed since your seventeenth birthday
when you received a brighter smile as a present
after bearing a void for a couple of years

it was a rebound
you jumped back at life
brighter than you ever were

a lot changed since your seventeenth birthday
when you received a fix for your flaws
after being incomplete for a couple of years

but you were more divine
with your inch-long flaw
and i was so in love
with your humble divinity

i'm hopelessly hopeful

i once dreamt of shooting your plane down
and woke up feeling everything right

your laugh begged me for forgiveness
and i struggled to mention that i was glad to have you gone

it's 5 in the morning
you were never the one who keeps me going
but ask me who on earth i turn my head left for,
and wake up next morning feeling everything right

it's 2 in the afternoon and i struggle to see photons bouncing from your lips

wearing light armor of bravery,
turning left was a decision i made
and maybe this war never meant too much
or it was never a war

but i swear i knew,
you were just hopeless enough

i'm tired

you're city lights and waving flags
cheerful laughs and matching footsteps
and i swear the blinking lights almost,
almost made me feel august

you're early morning rush,
blacks around my eyes
lowered gaze, silent greetings
made you lose your augustness

and august, i'm tired
you're soaking me
and the idealist inside of me says
"don't leave before i'm alright"

allow yourself to be silent
let your cries be unheard but to one
and maybe, if you believe
you'll find your peace

you live in a place in me
that no one dares to touch
not even myself
especially myself

you leave a hole the size of your feet
every time i ask you to leave

this is an(other) act of blackmailing myself
because whenever i ask around
for help to cover the hole somehow
they always answer the same thing

*sorry honey,
that is not my shoe size

standing in a city that's constantly trying to abort its breath, we're looking at the sky

we might be defined to repeat fist-pumping anthems and tragic falls. all of them, no returns.

and you ask me, "don't you want to start over and look anywhere but at me?" that question again, and my answer is always no.

oh, baby boy, lift your headache head...

remnants of our past? oh they burn all right, fire roaring, smoke choking. they're just waiting for the next rain to put them to sleep

then they sleep, and it's morning. time to start again.

you'll be a stranger again and even though i'm choking on their ashes, i will not recognize you.

pump your fists. we'll fall again without a clue.

cheers
i took off, i'm a spring
push me down, let me go
and i'll rise higher than you know

cheers
i'm going places you never knew existed
unlit roads i told you i was afraid of?
they're more familiar than your fingertips

cheers
i'm above these stormy clouds,
crawling in space, having hard times
but safe from hurricanes

for sweet revenge.

so this is the final note,

i already sang my ideal goodbye a few months ago. cosmic tears, silent breaths. wished that not only the sound of my breathing that was missing.

i promised myself that i wouldn’t let myself go back into the well-lit corner where we tried to sync our voices so we could sound less disastrous. but then it inspired another analogy. we are that corner. more than anything else

have you ever looked at someone and thought, “you’re the young adult novel i read last month.”

written on brown was another goodbye note. unsent messages and remixes of old regrets. i got rid of idealism and embraced the disaster that was going to happen. but it didn’t work

i’ll have you know that i never read those novels anymore. i find them too naive, or maybe i’m just too bitter. i’ll have you know that i stopped after our second first meeting.

and a few days ago i thought that you were just a fuel that keeps my fingers tapping. not the destination. but i guess you won’t reach any destination with an empty tank, will you?

remember a year ago that you were just another form of my failed dream? of a regret that isn’t quite clear. you became much greater than that, you are a bigger, higher hope, thrown harder to the ground.

remember when i thought you share my madness of two. ours. it took me a few tens of stair steps and a couple of incompatible seats to realize that you never were. my naivety never went away after all.

remember when you turned your back gracefully; remember when i was glad that my pillows weren’t made of sponge? remember diamonds turning into broken glass?

you don’t. you will never. because you never knew (or pretended to not)

and in the end, i’d do it all again.

i’ll betray myself again; i’ll let myself down again. i’ll always love to think that i’m not the only one that is afraid, that is screaming my fears away.

but even after shouting my heart out and putting my mind on display, i’m not quite outside my head, not yet. i really do believe in miracles. and maybe one day someone will drop a key to my thoughts and leave me to exit them myself.

*sometimes i like to think that person is you.

salty waves.
it was all scattered diamonds
you were still on the top of my lungs
and it was like being choked by cobwebs

it would be much more painless,
if your shadows didn't play hide and seek

holding back those waves felt bitter and empty
this lump in my throat is going up, and down
and up
find me a new taste that isn't a void

and if you find a stray halo on the streets,
send it back to me

don't save me

this is
merely
another sunset

(i'll rise)

so we know that it won't stop raining
we're stuck in the broad basketball yard
heart thumping hard like a bassline
i feel lost; you won't taste the rain

and we knew it rained hard a year ago,
locked our existences under sobbing clouds
nothing was worse than being under a roof
and i felt found despite the bad lighting

all that you are is the last bits of hope-
the ones to blame in times of despair,
endorphin sprinkled on a void
uncontrollable glitches on a perfection

clenched teeth,
sweaty palms
high-pitched voice,
monotone talks

all you hear is untried wishes
and throwaway dreams
fresh regrets,
and cosmic what if's

all that you are is my last bits of hope
and this is a love like hospital prayers

here comes the part;
where i scream my flooded lungs out
gibberish that only makes sense to me
and clear words that you won't listen

and i pressed the mute button

you're never fond of complications
and i'm tired of being tangled
you're a believer of "silence is golden"
and i'm tired of being glittery

catch the remote controller
you're gonna like me someday

i tried to tangle with your ends because i thought you were different (than me). i didn't know i was fighting a law of physics when i gravitate towards your skin. we're not supposed to be such a ball of threads yet i'm trying to entangle from your effortless force.

*tl;dr: you were a clear lake and i probably was just trying to love myself. loved you instead.

hearing you call my name again
strangely feels like
*home

i treat you like an old favorite record

i turned on the radio
and heard a poppy song
it was easy for it to interest me
and easier for me to end up switching the station

my friend brought me to an opera
i could still hear the perfection flowing
and shivers growing inside me
like mushrooms on humid lands

but you are an old loved record
that never leaves the turntable
with scratches carved into you
after spins for the lonely soul

to: aleph

hey
there's so much things going on in these last two weeks. at least in my head. you left. i closed the door loudly. i locked it and i hoped that you could hear the sound of the locks clicking. ( but i didn't want you to hear how my hands was shaking when i was looking for the right key).

all i want to say is i'm sorry. i'm sorry i don't tell you enough, i'm sorry that i told you too much things that doesn't matter. i'm sorry i treat you like another ego-booster. i'm sorry i acted like i didn't care. i, in fact, really care about you and it hurts me to see you think that i don't.

please never forget the way i looked you in the eyes when we listen to that verse together.

i wish i was braver, i'd break this silence that's been killing me. but then again, if i was braver, i would have told you i love you a thousand times.

i'd say "i'd do it all again", sweetly like in one of our favorite songs, but no, i'm not brave enough, and we destroyed each other too much.

--status: draft. 26.3.2015 22:47

it takes twenty one days
to build a new habit*
and you came back to me
on the twentieth day

you're a faded moon
so deafen me with the chosen strangers
and cover the sound of you leaving
you finally remember how to land
after sailing polluted skies
full of light that covers the stars
lay me down, fade away
the sun will rise
and i'll burn again
as you grow translucent
i'll picture you finally caressing sunshine
and you'll never be the same
because the last time i knew you
you weren't a full moon

i guess i don't love you anymore
i l i v e you.

tremble, tremble
love is a word stuck in my throat
and your name is sitting on top of my lungs

three and a half minutes are never enough
duration of frustrated screams
i can't believe you didn't know
about truth slipping between my lips

crumple, crumple
love is a word that's only written
and your name is the title of my journal

i've had the same question for days,
and i most definitely am not gonna ask you
this was always about myself
you're gonna scream you never knew
but the only thing worse than not knowing
is you thinking that i don't know.

maybe,
loving you was a reflex
and you never broke me
it always took just a second
for me to crumble down in your hands.

maybe it was never your hands after all.

buzz, buzz, buzz
did i ever love you
or were you an escape?
did i ever love you
or were your name just drops of ink
i needed to fill this crumpled journal.

so, you decided to go
you gave me your keys
told me to lock the doors
i said "just ring the bell when you come back"

you turned on the car
as i did the tv
didn't think the show would be so loud
but it drowned the sound of you leaving

after some days,
i realized tv shows aren't my favorite waste of time
and you didn't go
to come home

lips dry
hands trembling
and it's all still
u n s a i d

there is always something left after every long journey
maybe on a bus or a restaurant seat
or maybe at a place where you didn't even see me
and what's left was something you couldn't notice

there is always something lost after every  long journey
that makes the ride home anxious and strange
full of drunken bag-checks and rummagings
and what's lost was something I couldn't  get rid of

there's something that we lose after we leave our long journey
and it's not going to be at the lost-and-found

there's no powerpoint presentation or a pocket guide nor a three inch-thick hardcover book for falling in love.
there's no rain with more oxygen than hydrogen that keeps the fire alive.
there will never be an elder who fully understands the oh-and-ah's of your young naivety.
there will be painful memories attached to your most loved songs.

this is life. you'll fall, get up, fall again, fail to get up. the lights will go out. you will get lost. you will feel the pain of being left.
this is the time when you pack up your tears and painkillers.
you will be you.
because that is life,
and this is love.

does she know
how many times
p e r  m i n u t e
you tap your fingers on your thighs
when you're about to see her?

does she know
how many millimeters
your eyes dilate
when you see her?
but not me, not me

does she know
how white your knuckles are
when you hear that
somebody hurt her?
and i can hear you boiling

tell her to keep a tally
and beg me to not

i'm good at math;
counting things i'll never have.

hey, i know that you're a programmer
i know you hate glitches
and i'm wondering if one day...
one day you'll ask me how we met

it started with a glitch
it's also a cliche
but it's wonderful anyway

if i wasn't such a failure we wouldn't know each other

love's stupid sometimes
and glitches are stupid
and i hope this one is planned

i know that you're a programmer
i know you hate glitches
i'm wondering if one day...
one day you'll like this glitch

i can see myself in you,
and i might like that*

last winter's first snow
do you remember?
we were salt that won't help defrost
and hoped summer was in permanent slumber

pebbles and branches
three ***** of snow
our little snowman was ready to go
then i thought summer stayed on your lips

i wonder what's so great about snowmen
do you see yourself in them?

we all only love honesty
when the truth is pretty

the city across the river is built

we're scant hydrophobic
watchers of a new end
anti-venom of love stories
flightless courageous birds

and after seasons
the river just won't dry

this is the song of the night
the unsung memories
a dynamic silence
forte towards the end

lay your head to rest
let your smiling sanity take over
blast my favorite song out loud
let it numb you then fight back
paving roads isn't a job to be done alone
but the bridges i burned will keep you warm

start with my lost promises-
those said between lines and choruses
-between translation and interpretation

they say one way to avoid falling
is to never climb at all
but these are mountains i screamed your name on
and skies where i wonder if you see the same star

mop your spilled thoughts
and squeeze them into mason jars
you say i shouldn't simplify my dreams
but you're the one twirling in my sleep

let march flow just like last year
convince me that you'll never come back
*burn these keys for me
and pray that i'll forget my way home

i labeled my dreams with your name
then you packed it with your belongings
thinking it was yours to keep

Lonely nights and unfinished wars,
Keep your love poems to yourself
Stop looking at the mirror
Or developing glorification

Wet pillows and scratched bed posts,
Start singing me lullabies
Stop screaming silent screeches
Or suffocating my sweet dreams

So I'll put on my shoes
And hope the laces stay this way
Because we're too hopeless to smear coals to fight
Lonely wars and unfinished nights

if you only would listen to my voice, it's always high and trembling maybe one day you'll notice that it is struggling to keep you from robbing my temple.

look me in the eyes
with your mouth covered
and tell me what i want to hear
through what you're listening to

i'm fully awake
not fully right
i'll look you in the eyes
all silent but screaming

"may nothing but death do us part"

i saw blood gleaming on Ares' hands,
as i put my bullets to rest
i'm on the wrong side
i am only a part of numbers

i dropped my clouds of dreams
picked up hatred instead
i let them burn me, drown me in blindness
so i could see myself as a temporary hero

i see the right side rise as victors
and i'm someone else's mistake in history books
just one insignificant number
between remains and ashes

the rest of the city spat at me
i see my mother's regret in every drop
and all the lovers with pale bodies
and their prayers left unanswered

Scream your promises to my windows
I will answer to the streets
Carve forevers to my bed post
I will sleep covered in sheets

Keep your favorite record on my shelves
I might listen to them, unarmed
But I won't bother waking up early by myself
If you set silence as my alarm

Say that I never loved you, because
I'm like faraway stars in the morning

Find me in your pile of tissues
It was about time we promised each other to leave, and
Xylophone sounds ringing in your ears used to be mine

Moonshine is quiet and pale
Even though you asked me to brighten it up

I** will stay in your head as an apology
Nailed on it
4 gigabytes of memories, and
5 months of regret

It's all blurred, and
I don't know whom to fight.