A shadow of never was rings true in my heart

This poem has been submitted for possible publication.  It will be reposted as soon as possible upon final determination.  Please feel free to peruse my poesy at your leisure.

Thank you so much,
PrttyBrd

A Styrofoam box to hold my pain
To keep it safe above the water
To hold all the roles I've ever lived
Be it wife or be it daughter

Floating safe upon the surface
Mirror smooth or rapids white
It carries all the hurt and struggle
It hides my truth and holds on tight

The world can see the love and laughter
The spackled mask that faces all
The one with saccharine filled open fissures
Hiding a broken little girl

For in this body of a woman
Every gentleman's sinful lust
Is a fragile shell of being
A soul, if touched, would turn to dust

Drowning in a world of wonder
Losing sight of who I am
Safe from harm or dissolution
Floats the proof that I'm a sham

He loved me once
With exuberance and joy
He loved me once
And saw my flaws as perfection
He loved me once
And helped me to love myself
He loved me once
With all that he is
He loved me once
With an honest soul much like my own
He loved me once
And made me believe in forever
He loved me once
With neither question nor doubt
He loved me once
And in a flash of perception
All I can say is...
He loved me once

Sitting in the dark
The Universe descends into oblivion
The only reality is us
The only truth is this very moment
In all its honesty
Filled with both longing and love
No thought but to be blanketed in each others electricity
Perhaps a hint of perfection
Or what feels enchanted
If things were different
If the Universe still existed
If reality was this,
Two hearts in desperate need
Finding what they weren't even looking for
If an honest heart meant an honest life
If this moment was everything
Then...

                    happines does exist

Seeing happy holiday faces
Sappy sentiment and saccharine smiles
** ** **, and jolly jelly laughs
Pondering the likelihood
That their smiles are as porcelain as my own
Painted lips in Victorian red
Eyes done up in glitter and paint
Hoping that happy leaches into grown ups
From the wonder and joy that is the truth of babes

Blade grazes skin in horizontal hatred
teaching lessons in guilt and lies
crying truth that won't break the surface
which hides the tar that seeps
through a soul unseen

Prtty, Prtty smile
on a Prtty, Prtty girl

and the lines break surface tension
'twas all the glue would hold

Every turn a reflection in karma and self-loathing
perceived as an undeserved consequence
of a past that holds no regrets

One layer breaks free
and he fails to see her cracks
through the scars he was forced to stitch alone
with the rusted skewers of time

A second pass and the blade runs clean
as idle threats yield no change
a liar demanding truth of the one who gives it freely
as it has always been

Only seeing lies oneself would tell
unable and unwilling to realize
that the truth remains true
even when seen through one's own lies

Beaten into submission
that reeks of forced pity
only covers the truth
with lies that make one feel like

A Prtty, Prtty girl
with a Prtty, Prtty smile

whipped back across the line
in harsh tones of childhood trauma
vile acidic tongue
lapped and corroded the biodome,
which maintains the constructs
of who I am needed to be
white smoke fills the black space
changing gray as it wafts through
ever so slowly

Patch the chemical burn!
Patch it NOW!

before it compromises emotion
before it spreads and corrupts
the foundation of all
the slightest justification
can stop the seepage
Lies, Lies, Lies, Lies
honesty isn't truth
when used as a weapon

watching the dome slowly fail
smoke seeping through pinholes
waiting for the death of hope
frozen in place by hateful expressions
of those who claim not to care

Destroyer of dreams
Leave my side so hope remains
Move on to the next
Oblivious in their bliss
Perhaps they shant see dreams die

Green, in varied hues
Lush and earthen, nature sings
Mother is reborn

Overcast, sunless
Visibly silent screaming
Parched, now overjoyed

Snuck in like fog and enveloped me in slumber
Tainting my dreams with every breath
Losing myself as I exhale
Filling me with the truth of desire
Pulling me deeper into the beautiful nightmare-
Turned hopeful longing
For to become a part of you as you breathe me in
Is all that there is

Behind closed eyes lies the truth
Jumbled and broken in bits and pieces
Shattered dreams forgotten
Memories erased
Familiar feelings confound the soul
Fear sears the mind's eye
Faith can release it

Tortured inside myself
Watching in measured silence as the glass empties...again
Nervous laughter and high hopes
Tug of war lost,
As I cannot hold the stare that the glance grew into
The stare that sparked the notion of possibility
Liquid courage and bare feet
Silly jokes and that smile
That smile that melts down defenses
And breaks the dam of restraint
Impatient and emboldened
I step outside myself
As the lines blur, then disappear
**** the wine that drowned my judgment
**** that smile that drew me in
A tentative brush of the ankle
Waters test warm
Ravenous, we dive in

I hear the words and feel inflection
I reach to you, yet fear rejection
Your eyes can't lie they show what's real
Your words don't say the love you feel

I don't doubt that your heart bleeds true
Though you're lost between what's right for you
Too much distance, too much time
Too scared to wait, we crossed the line

Too eagerly we skipped ahead
Now, on cracked remains we tread
We hit fast-forward with no rewind
We can't break free from our own kind

So we long and yearn and suffer long
In silence we don't feel it's wrong
Hearts have merged despite the rest
Still we pull away on friendships quest

To love without loving,  and live our lives
Separately we feel the knives
The ones that cut our hearts in pieces
For every moment it never ceases

We talk without speaking and look the part
We live, hearts not beating, like living art
We cry in the darkness alone and distraught
In denial we awaken alone with our thoughts

Nights stretch into months of dark gray
Even though we talk every day
It's empty and lacking, yet we hold on
Pretending the love we share is gone

you say it best

                   when you say



                                        nothing at all

I believed
Everything you told me
And
You let me

Heart shaped boxes with red satin ribbons
Pink stuffed atrocities that have no use
Sappy lovesick greeting cards
Flowers that always die

Cheap chocolate massed produced
Three months of brainwashing prior
Chalky hearts profess true love
The lonely always cry

Made up days of forced romance
Bullied into mass compliance
Pressured into jewelry sales
Empty grand gestures prevail

Today is a day for puppy love
An excuse to eat by candlelight
Public affection is cool tonight
As we've appeased the Gods of retail

A day like any other day
Rising and setting moon and sun
Though nothing has changed
The heart races still

Though the chocolates are cheesy and stale
And flowers will die tomorrow
Though the world bullied the romance
I've been taken against my will

To the land of cotton candy dreams
For a few heartfelt words on paper
A card that speaks your love
And the truth that is in your eyes

Nervously, the gifts accepted
I am almost at a loss
Tears begin to well a little
And I pray the words don't lie

May I stay in this land of make-believe
Where it feels like a fairytale
Make tonight's dream, forever's reality
Wishes on wishing stars come true

Sarcastically with cynicism
And a dry wit that defines my nature
Hidden deep within the core
Of things I said I would never do

I will savor every chocolate
As if it is your warm lips on my own
And every word and cheesy line
Is the most beautiful I ever read

For you have chosen it just for me
Filled with all you cannot say
So I cherish my pink and heart-filled card
Because it is to me the words are said

From me, there is no cheesy gift
No candy covered sweets tonight
Nothing retail overblown
Just a small white box with a  hand tied bow

A poem in my own hand
As I give my heart on patterned paper
So simple, but it's everything.
Please don't ever let me go

This poem has been submitted for possible publication.  It will be reposted as soon as possible upon final determination.  Please feel free to peruse my poesy at your leisure.

Thank you so much,
PrttyBrd

A thought awakens
Blood rushes, heart pounds, timeless
Dried salt tracks remain
Warm breath rememberances
Held fast by yesterday's dream

You tell your kid to give the dog food and water. He mishears you and asks what moonwater is, and you fashion his mistake into a poem. ;)

Wanting to relive yesterday
When you were still who I thought you were
Never wanting to realize
You pretended all that I loved

Caught off-guard
By the way I felt at the news
I realized that I was drowning
In the blood of my broken heart

No marble stare as cold as ice
Can be found inside your gaze
For it is there that heart's desire burns twice
And your eyes set me ablaze
❤
Hazel hues of wanton need
Make my cheeks flush crimson red
And make my deepest parts take heed
As you lead my love to bed
❤❤
You see me as a vision
An angel of your very own
Through a tarnished crooked halo
A pair of horns has grown
❤❤❤
Still, you see in me perfection
In fact, I am your missing piece
And I pray with everything I am
That your love will never cease

Traces of you line every moment silver,
     even in my darkest day
Traces of you can make the empty linger,
     the second you walk away

Traces of you are my hidden treasure,
     a joy that is all my own
Traces of you are too fine to measure,
     yet brighten my darkness alone

Traces of you make life worth living,
     the birth of my very smile
Traces of you make ease of forgiving,  
     though memories tend to beguile

Traces of you turn hell into glory,  
     then turn back the other way
Traces of you rewrite the story,
     every second of every day

To ease the cries that pierce the soul
To hold on while you lose control
To be there when you almost fall
To be close enough to hear your call
To chase away what makes you cry
To give you wings and help you fly

I hurt a man
Out of insensitivity
I hurt a man
Through thoughtless pride
I hurt a man
With my inner truths
I hurt a man
With insecurities
I hurt a man
Thinking he didn't care
I hurt a man
Who is my friend
I hurt a man
Who thought he loved me
I hurt a man

An empty soul floating atop a sea of bleeding hearts
Sinks when the rain turns to a flood
Drowning in the pain of others
Hiding amongst their misery
Filling like a sponge,
with the decaying love of strangers
Overjoyed to belong,
despite the lingering nothingness
Joy evaporates the liquid anguish, however slowly
Time brings solitude
Returning to the surface even emptier than before

fear, loneliness, and anger lead to stress
stress leads to ulcers and anxiety
yelling and screaming absorbed like sponges
short tempers, curt responses, attitudes
nature fights nurture, there is no winner
highlighted things most hated of ourselves
inadvertent lessons learned by innocents
molded by fear, yet still guided by love
can't teach, "do as i say, not as i do"
they do what they see and learn what they live
blind to the effects of our own actions
responsibility belongs to all
more than a person, it takes a village
even more than a village it takes you
it takes you not ignoring what you see
it takes you to offer a helping hand
it takes every one of us to force change
in that change is found hope and strength and help
Community is not a neighborhood
it is not a town or its citizens
and it cannot be fostered in a word
it must grow in the hearts of the people
willingness to care and an open mind
baby steps toward each other today
and a sense of responsibility
tomorrow's flowers are planted today

heart beats
in the hand of another
grated like cheese
forsaken
unrecognizable
and utterly...

                                                     ­           unlovable

Armed with empty sentiment and kindness
Sharing just enough to weaken defenses
A whiff of insecurity
And trust disintegrates
With one swift blow

Distance looms
In close proximity
A thousand miles away
Close enough to touch
Together alone
Alone Together
No words
Silence is deafening
A smile and a nod
Polite discomfort
Alone together
Together alone

Gray days and blowing wind
On sad and naked limbs
The bitter cold imagined through the panes
Nestled in warmth and wrapped in a blanket
I am loved,
Dressed up and beautiful
The smiles that gaze upon me
In awe and wonder
Are well worth the journey's end

Eager and hopeful
Anticipatory nerves
Catching and holding
Each breath for a brief instant
A second of pride,
Almost missed as it passes,
Cannot be deadly
Smile for a moment, in joy
Release the clenched fist
Holding doubt so fervently
Believe you can, and you will

A cacophony of wasted space in a mind too full to see
boring holes to breathe or vent
or pray that there is no light to be let in

Was never done dying before yesterday moved
tomorrow is last year a lifetime ago
today, erased by was and will

Tears can't dry in incessant floods
bleeding acid that feeds unhealing wounds
in a mix of steroids and parasites

Faced with all that perception ever was
altered reality in crushed emotion
scraping the dregs of feeling to find a place to sleep

Jagged shards of memories offer the most comfort
as they slice what attempted to heal
killing me slowly anew with each passing moment

Moments torn in a million pieces of equal pain
encased in cemented ideals and rosy falsehoods
yesterday is the only reality left

Outside a clenched fist holding onto nothing
blood crusts in black paint
open or closed, there's nothing left to see

Longing to bleed out through the ****** of dreams
left to die in a place that packs holes with dirt
enough to exist in an invisible life

Killing the long ago before it finishes what it started
seems its own nightmare of weakness
will it alive or will it dead, just will something and make it so

A lifetime of dying in a half-life of truth
gray eats black as anguish feeds on beauty
nothing remains in untouched memories

Vowed forever
Forever ago
Still my love stands
It can't be settling if it's real
Or so I allowed myself, too readily, to believe
Princes and fairytales are to be outgrown
Taught independence and choice
By a society that has given up
On the higher meanings in life
Yet, here you are
A heart that beats as mine does
A soul that is part of my own
A person complete with me, in me
I am whole
I have seen the past
I believe in the future
I have finally been found
Without being allowed to believe
I was ever lost
We are as one through time
But this time,
I have been found vowed forever
Forever ago

Pushed back across the line
The line between *** and love
Loving you no less than yesterday
Wanting you more with each insight
Caught between your fear of intimacy
And my abundant affection
Missing the way you want me
Wanted me...
Want me Still?
Berated for loving you
Jagged dagger wounds heal slowly
While loving you no less than yesterday
No apologies for purposeful pain
You proved yourself right, though you are so wrong
You just don't want to know
Remember me with affection you were too afraid to show
Think of me often, and realize
I love you...still

Soothing sounds of future memories
Pictures painted in the glory of pain
The beauty found in such ethereal places
Is especially so in the desperation
Emerging from watching the truth
Of the other side of elation
Never absorbing the joy in the mundane
Finding it exceptional
Only when threatened by the violence of truth
Truth is a reminder of fragility in all things
Manifesting itself in the clear consciousness
Of the possibility of pure anguish
The very thought of the mundane being temporary
Of that  routine being ripped apart
Shredded in terrifying facts of probability
Need vs want is a privilege
The truth is evil
The only freedom that can ever exist is truth
Faced with the amputation of what was once meaningless
Transforms the mundane to profound
There will always be loss
There will always be an opportunity to be reborn
Perception is reality
Mood is a choice
Absolute truth is a fallen angel
Yet it remains something for which to strive
Life in retrospect is not living
Biding time between bouts of honesty
Treading stagnant water
Fulfillment does not dwell in the in-between
Satisfaction is not born of boredom
The world that surrounds each life
Is only what that life has built in its down time
For there can be both joy and pain in all things
Both apathy and interest in each new view
Emotions are a powerful thing, as is logic
Yet if they never marry, there can only be lived a half-life
Peace is born in the unity of all that we are

Severed ties to humanity
Vacant eyes
Vapid words of witless wonder
Hanging on the insipid
And shunning the inspired
Road less traveled, too much trouble
Super-sized spare tires
Alcoholic ultra-guts
Fashion models ******
Crack ***** beautiful
Shades of gray pave the way
To a rock slide of morality
Honesty; when it gets you something
Lowered standards make the grade
Submission no longer requires a beating
Consequences be ******
Village idiots rule the world
Silenced masses
Hopeless and withered
Blinded by conformity
Change the “Norm”
Can one voice change the world?
Believe in something
Suffer together
Stand alone
Suppressed by fear of unknown causes
Physical symptoms of man-made convenience
Ease of use
Stress and tension
Souls for sale
Buy one get three free
Put them in a plastic bag
Suffocate, asphyxiate
Society
Waves of massive zombies
Couch potatoes
Governmental finger puppets
Train of thought’s run off its track
Mindless we wander
Tell us what to think
TV, a dark temptation,
A brief reprieve from real-world Evil
Close your eyes
Find religion in whatever form
Take the hand of many
Or walk the path alone
What is right for one
May not be right for all
Make the choice
or it will be made for you
Herded like cattle to our own demise