I heard your voice last night
It was faint but it was there
Was it my meds calling to me
pRoBaBlY
But it sounded like you
And with open ****** arms I reached out to you
Forgetting all of the pain
Forgetting all of the hatred
I never meant to hurt you
And I know you never meant to hurt me
It doesn't matter now
But if I go now please know
I reached out to you
I reached for you with my last breath

The emptiness that comes to me
Doesn't come when the sun shines
It comes when the night stars litter the sky
Where the darkest souls come to play
That is when the desolation of my soul begins
Burning memories remind me of where I am
Lost in the past, while drowning in the future
What future could be placed in this obscure void
Glimmering moments of ecstasy slip through the holes
Seconds of bliss show what could be
To be content
Before the flood of hopelessness returns again

Its 3 am and all I can think about is you
I miss you
Not in the sense of missing a body next to another
I miss your soul
I miss your smile and how it lights up my heart
Why can't we be together...
Are you thinking about me
About how we fit perfectly together
I've never been so happy yet so sad
I can still smell you on my lips
You're a rare soul
And I miss you

Here we are again
In the same place i was in last year
I wish I could take it all back
Why do I entrust myself to people like you
Did you even listen to me
What about myself draws in people like yourself
So that I can rip that out
You lead me on
You promised me a brighter life
And then you took all my hope away
You broke me while I was already broken
Plain and simple
Why at my most fragile did I decide to let someone in
Ungrateful for myself
So here I stand alone again
Missing a piece that I'll never get back

I just want it to end
All the pain
And sorrow and agony
To lay down burden free
To slumber forever

This is when the world makes sense
When nothing exist except she and I
Here in this moment I can swim to the bottom of the ocean
I can fly into space
I can climb the tallest mountain
But none of that matters when I here with you
You are the single thread holding me to Earth
Without you life would be irrelevant
Floating through the days, and drowning through the nights
All I could ask for in life
Is to lay in your arms forever
Breathing in your scent of security
To trace the molds of life on your face
To be here with you
Is all I want

It is true that I have a lot to explain to you
So I shall start from the beginning
When I met you I knew we had something
The greed within was too much to keep in
So I told you
But now I wish I could take it all back
I never meant to hurt you
But all I did was hurt you
After I told you I felt better
I didn't have to hold the fire in anymore
And then I had a taste and it was amazing
There are no words to describe what I felt that first time
Much like all addictions I needed more
That's were it all went wrong
I couldn't not talk to you or see you
I became completely obsessed with you and the thought of us
I left my comfort and security and home for you
And I don't mean home as in a place to stay
I left the place I loved for you
I left her for you
I still can't believe I ever put her through that
As soon as I left I thought I had made the right choice
But I kept seeing how in pain she was and it hurt me
Its a whole different kind of pain you feel with your partner
Their pain becomes yours, and yours becomes theres
So intertwined you can't tell who's feeling what
That's when I knew
I never meant to cause such a mess
I'm not that girl
And I cant be that girl for you
"I have infinite tenderness for you"
But I don't think that I can see you for a while
That scares me sometimes though
What if one day I wake up and I don't remember you?
What if it happens to you?
But then this could just be a dream
I won't pretend like I know all the answers
All I wanted you to know was that This meant something to me
You meant something to me
"Im sorry it had to end like this"

I can't control this anymore
The sadness is finally gone
But the after taste is still on my tongue
Will it return
And if it does will you
I can see my happiness in my hands
But is that what I even want
It's what everyone wants right?
So whats wrong with me?

She was like white powder on my nightstand
She picked me up when I was feeling down
One inhale and I could feel her tingling through my body
Two inhales and Im gone
Gone away with her on this magical trip

What is beauty?
Is it the way you look?
How you dress
The way you hold yourself in front of others?
Or is it something you're just born with?

You could be told a thousand times over how beautiful you are
But it only takes one time to ruin your self image
Only once do you need to hear about beauty

She tells you she loves you
She tells you you're perfect
And she tells you you're beautiful

But now things are different
You notice how your body looks for the first time
Bones protruding from every spot
A stomach that concaves back inside your body
Hip bones that could be used as knives

Once you thought your curves were perfect
A place that perfectly fits her hands
Arms long enough to hold her face
And legs that could wrap around her and still have room for more

Mirrors seem to show a different you
Full you has disappeared and dissolved
Like smoke in the night
Reflections shows nothing but a sketch with dead eyes

What is beauty?
Something that I don't have

It feels like my eyes have just been opened
In this beautiful city, I am amazed
My old life seems to melt away and fly through the air above
The city with more history than us keeps me moving
I see your face in the harbor as a boat slowly passes by
Will I ever truly be free from this mental trap?
But tonight as I sit in the airport and watch people run by followed by a plan taking off
I realized something
We were always on different planes
Coming and going
Loving and hating
I feel free and and ready
Ready for what ever life is going to throw at me next

I feel so lost
To far gone to feel pain
I'd give anything to feel something
Besides this nothingness
But my heart has stopped beating
The beating has stopped leaving me hollow and silent
Alone

I'm always alone
It's so quiet in my body
the ticking of my brained has slowed
All thoughts have escaped me
Except the thoughts of her
They are always there dancing

Dancing in my mind like the wind
She lives in my body
She moves through my veins
And pulls at my heart
She pulls at my shallow heart and shatters what's left
And leaves me with nothing
Nothing but memories
Memories of her

You're everywhere I look
Just walking around in my brain
Stepping on emotions without even seeing it
I should't be thinking about you this much..
Do you think about me?
Why do I even care?
You're with her
And I'm taken
But I do think you're brilliant

I think I'm going crazy
I saw you today and everything was different
I saw a spark on you
Only for a second
But it was there
You looked at me and smiled
I could see the sun in your eyes
**** I'm staring again...
I just want to see that spark again
I wonder what its like to feel your warmth up close

I look at you and I don't see flaws
I don't see someone who is "sad"
I don't see anything wrong with you
I see you
I mean I honestly see you
The way you laugh nervously when I'm staring at you
Or the way you way your smile catches my breath
Or the way your eyes reflect the most beautiful soul
Can you see that?
Can you see how much you mean to me?

Do you remember when we snuck out?
I guess it was only me sneaking
But I did for you
We sat by the water
And bathed in the sun
The smell of grass and autumn filled my nose
And thoughts of you filled my heart
I looked at you and you smiled
That is what happiness looks like you later said
I was so content that day
Blissful even
Everything was in place
How did we get so far from that day
Do you even remember that?

Here's the thing about destroying you life
Taking it apart one seem at a time
It seems like a great idea to just unravel and be free
Until the day repair becomes an option
But you've gone far into this rabbit hole
Taking everything from Xanax to addy, to oxy
You want your last days to be free and amazing
And then I met her
She told me she loved me for me
And my past
She said there wasnt a single thing she would change about me
Because what makes me happy is a apart of her happiness now
And broke me, and almost killed me
brought me to her
She patched me up and showed me life is adventure
Rocky a times with a couple turns
But for every dark hole there will be a warm beautiful beach
And to have that responds after years of self doubt and hate
Of years of mental abuse
And choosing to slowly poison my body until I couldn't feel
I felt
And I wanted to feel again
For the first time in my life I'm ready for the next day, and the next
And all of the days I get to spend with her
You'll never know what kind of state you found me in
I'm beyond glad we have each other now
Loving you has allowed me to have another chance at life
And I can't wait to spend every second of it with you my dear
I love you

There is something untrustworthy of a man with a half untucked shirt
Walking the late night streets with diamond dew on his heels
You asked with the essence of liquor on your breathe
If you could show me something
I said no
You heard yes
And now I walk alone
Tears running and mixing with the red gore of life
Broken and used
Stumbling helplessly home
I can still feel the inferno burning inside of me
What was seized and what was deposited are one now
Why me?
Why now?
Only four more miles until home
There is something so untrustworthy of life

I had a dream about you last night
You were so close to me I could almost touch you
My body was calling to you
Begging you to move closer
You would open your mouth to say something at the same time as me
But you would stop and smile to let me go
But I didn't have anything to say
What would I even say to you
You just kept waiting for me to say something
I woke with the smell of you on my breath

I want to let go of everything
All of my stress and worries
Put them in a jar and let them go
Drop it into the ocean and watch it drift away
All the pain and struggles I endured
All the suffering and loneliness gone
But it always returns
Stronger and wiser
It feeds on my pain and discomfort
It leaves me with only one thing to do
Pick up the bottle
With its sharp and pointed ends
And let it cut the life out of me
Taking away the pain for the last time
The ocean tented with my story shines like crimson

There's a tight rope laid in front of me
I've been balancing for some time
Never moving just waiting
But I can wait no more
And neither can you
To fall or to walk
The decision is mine
I've been waiting for so long
For a gust of wind to *******
To decide for me
But this is my life
And faith is for the weak

She is always running though my
mind?
Running away from
me?
She's so close to me
Yet so far away
I reach out to grab her hand
And fall
down
to my own
destruction

Its like watching the landscapes from a fast moving car
Unable to stop
to spot, or to focus
Why jump from a moving bus
when you can just wait for it to run out of gas
Because whats the point in waiting for the end

Come follow me where nothing matters but you and I. We could be together, and nothing could separate us. Follow me under the waves into the dark world that lies below. Let go of everything and everyone, and follow me where light dares not go.

We could be the light of our new world, and fill every inch with love. We could live where time stands still, where there is no haste.

Don't think of the cold. Just close your eyes and take my hand. Take my hand and walk with me to the waves and leave this erratic world behind. Worry not of the past or the future, just here and now.

Follow me into a world that knows no endings or beginnings. Come with me and discover the peace the silence.

You know that feeling when your jumping?
Your feet leave the ground
And for a second you're flying
Your breathe is quick
And your arms fly out
Searching for something to grab
That's what it's like to love you
That slight fear of landing too hard
Falling and not being able to get back up
But the feeling of being lifted is there
The feeling that you can kiss the sky
I guess that's what I'm trying to say is
I hope you catch me

You were suppose to be my friend
Someone that I could count on
Someone that was going to be looking out for me always
But you weren't
You dumped pill after pill into my hands
And darkness into my heart
You promised to make my life better
But I could have lost it with you
I wonder if you even see what you are doing to others
You pass by without a care in the world
If only you knew how much you hurt everyone
How much you hurt me
I'm sure you don't
But I'm sure you wouldn't care either
And with that I must pay you ado
I would rather love myself then lose myself again
Thanks tho... for everything

How do I explain to people what this feels like
This feeling of wanting it all to end
I never wanted to be apart of this
All I've wanted is to feel full
This empty feeling has been pulling me down
I can't stand on my own anymore
But all you can see is my smile
A smile that I practice everyday
My laugh is full of desperation
All I want to do is lay down and die

Well I finally did it
I made a choice
And I think its right
Im sorry that I ever met you
Not because of emotions
But because of you
I wish I could have spared you
I wish I could take all of pain away
I wish I wish
But that doesn't change anything
I thought we were friends
Maybe even best friends
But I guess they were right
And now it's finally time
No longer stuck between hello and goodbye
This is it
There is nothing left for me to say
Except everything

I saw your chapstick in the store the other day
I stood there just staring at it
Do I even need chapstick?
No.
But it has the taste of you
And god I miss that
Now my lips feel permanently stained with you
You linger on every word uttered from my mouth
I can't stop licking my lips
Ive never even had a real grapefruit

Every word that I've said to you has been analyzed
By you
By her
By everyone
I speak in rhymes and riddles to confuse
But you understand
Not always at first but you do
So I hope you understand me
Now more than ever

I can't stop thinking about you
Your eyes are so blue..
I remember when I first met you
Something sparked in me
I wanted to know everything about you
And then you smiled...
God that smile
I can still feel my heart melting when I think about you
I knew from the beginning
But I didn't
I knew there was something different about you
Something special
I wonder if you feel the same way?
I didn't think so

I'm sorry
I say that a lot
especially to you
I'm sorry
I've hurt you
I've lost you
I'm sorry that I miss you
I need to let you go
But I can't
You let me go first
I can't do this anymore
I love you
I loved you
This is awful
She's still there
But what about me
I want happiness with both of you
And why do I need all of these meds
To forget you
To forget her
To ease the pain
To slip away forever
You ******* broke me
And then left me
You spat in my face when I needed you the most
I know I broke your heart
I'm sorry
But can't you see I'm bleeding out
Look at me
I imprisoned myself
I locked you out
I'm sorry
But you never had the key

I am much too tired for life
drugs and alcohol make it easier
*******
I said I was sorry
I said that I'd always be there for you
But just not in the way you needed me
God why does everything have to be about ***?
I didn't know that I was a demon
******* the soul from your life
I never meant to hurt you
I want to be alone
Where I can hurt no one
And no one can hurt me
I wish I could have been smarter
I wish that I could have been stronger
God just please stop ignoring me
I'll always love you with all of my heart
It's been months but I forgive you
Can you do the same?
It's almost been a year now, and I still think of you
******* you ******* miss me
I'm so unstable

I know more today than I did yesterday
Tomorrow and next week I'll be wiser
But today
Right now
Im an idiot for believing you
I let you in
I let you get settled in me
And then you left
I want it back
I want every last memory back
Every late night text
Every secret and promise
All of it
You were never mine to keep
I saw that before you did
But I stayed because I had a part of you
I just want it all back
Im such an idiot

I knew there was someone else
But I stayed
I stayed because you did
If you still loved me why would I leave?
It didn't bother me that we argued like lawyers in bed
Or that my anxiety rose when you came home
I thought that I had nothing to give you but love
And I gave it away willingly
Because I loved you
Anything you wanted I made it my life to get it for you
My sadness only made you angrier
My desolation began when you gave up on us
I wanted you to be happy
And I wanted to be the reason why you smiled

I knew there was someone else because you were happier without me
While I was lost in a world without you
Holding on to the single thread that still held us together
My only hope in life
You let go, and I went flying
Did you even notice when yours eyes began to freeze over when you looked at me
I wonder if you love her like you once loved me
Would she have stayed through all of the pain as well?

Do you want to know how it feels?
What it's like to see through my eyes?
Imagine being so happy one minute
You're surrounded by friends
Laughter and smiles warm you before the chill
That ice cold feeling like something is deathly wrong
You can't breath
Should I sit here and wait it out?
Will they notice?
Here it comes, the hills in your stomach
Behind a close door you sit on the floor
Counting
1,2,3...
It wont last forever and you know
But God in the moment everything is wrong
7,8,9,10....
How can you escape this fear?
Should I just end it all now?
Nothing is worth this much pain
20, 21, 22,23
Can they hear me panting?
Just don't throw up
Hold it in
It's almost over now
35, 36, 37, 38
Still think I'm perfect?

Its fine, Its all fine
I'll say it everyday
I'll say it when I misplace my wallet
I'll say ti when I stub my toe
I'll over say it when you leave me
Its all great and dandy
Finally feeling comfortable again with you and leave me
But its all fine
I'm still here
Stuck in an imaginary world where you still love me
Where your arms are open
And your soft lips are a smile on mine again
I think I'll miss you forever
And I'll always love you
But its fine
Its all ******* marvelous to me

I lay in bed trying to replay the night in my mind
The way her lips moved from lips to my neck
How her hands explored the familiar territory of my mind

I try to turn it off and sleep but
Then I remember how she kisses my stomach in just the right spot
Her curls falling over my sides softly kissing me
I remember her hands holding my hands in place

Rolling over I close my eyes tighter and try to clear my mind
And then I think of how she gives me that stare as she climbs my body
Her nails lightly grazing up my inner thigh  
Her silent moans fill the room

She's forever on replay in my mind
Her angelically devious smile she gives me when she knows I want more
The way her eyes glow green with excitement
The way her eyes radiate when I try to hold it in
Pure ecstasy

How could I stop thinking of her
Until once again I'm back in her arms
Begging for more

She was the first drops of rain on a spring morning
And I was the hurricane on a late summer night

The way she moved with such ease through me
She was the light in the dark

She burned all night, but not for herself
I was love drunk

A wild storm swinging free
I could protect you from the outside

Hide you away from it all
The eye of my storm

In the end all storms must either move on
Or die out

I couldn't die out with you
I was so scared

You were the drizzle that started it all
And I was the hurricane that ended it

I can never tell if you're joking
Because I'm not
Behind the lols and hahas are true feelings
I'm serious when I say that I want you
I want you to want me
I want you to look at me and see what I see
I would never
But I would
And I wish I could
Just kidding
Don't worry about it
It was never more than a joke to you

I waited for you
I waited for you to make a move
To show me that you wanted me to stay
But you didn't budge
You swore I would leave you
You reminded me everyday that I was a runner
That I was within fight or flight
"You won't stay anyway"
You told me
And after hearing that everyday
I knew I had to go
How could I stay with someone who never thought I could plant my feet
That I would never mean what I say
When I said I love you
We were born from lust and greed
Did you ever trust me
Did I ever trust you
Did you ever believe that I would stay
For you
That I could have been the one
The one who stayed for once
The one I fought for until the end
Of course not
Why would you.

I want to take you on cute dates
Like in the indie movies
A picnic on the roof of a building
With Christmas lights and mason jars
I'll keep you warm against the night air
And I'll always protect you
The sun will begin to rise
And I won't watch
A sun rise is nothing compared to you
Another day with you is another blessing
I'll never forget that
And I'll never forget to tell you how much I love you
No matter how long we are together
I could make a movie just about your eyes
All we are missing is a flower crown

It's been a while now since I've talked you
I still have not heard your voice in years it feels
I'm letting you go
But I still think about you
Do you still think of me?
I wonder when I wont think of you anymore
Until you are nothing more than a memory
But right now I can still see your eyes
How bright they were
But how dead you were inside
You were something else
A race against time
But I no longer can fight the good fight
You have stand up on your own
We would have been great together you said
Would we?
I don't think so
You bring someone else out of me
And I don't know if I like her
You can hate me all you want
But I did what was best for us
We would have died together
A slow and painless death
Why will you only die for me?
That was the only way I could be with you
To live I have to be
Be worth it and live
Because life goes on

Somedays I can go hours without thinking about you
And other days I am drowning in you
Today the sky reminds me of you
How blue
I never understood how your eyes could hypnotize me
But tonight I hate you
Why did you make me fall for you
I had everything
Yet all I wanted was a taste
I gave up everything for just a taste
Do you even know what that means
That I ******* loved you
And I still do and I cant let go
So tonight the waves are a hurricane

I'm going to tell you today
How I feel I mean
Maybe you feel the same
The same way I light up when you smile
Or the way my heart stops when you look at me
I can't tell you
How can I  explain the way I feel when I hear your name?
It's the most beautiful word to ever leave my lips
I can't tell you

Have you seen me?
I've been gone for a while
I died last week while you were away
Nothing left but my empty body for you to scream at
Have you ever seen you?
I've been piercing the air with my pain
How do you not notice how I feel
Gone without a trace
Were you ever there
Did you ever love me?
I loved you more than my next breath
Did you see me?
When I finally realized who I was and who I am?
It's okay if you didn't
Because it has nothing to do with you anymore

The emptiness that comes to me
Doesn't come when the sun shines
It comes when the night stars litter the sky
Where the darkest souls come out to play
That is when the desolation of my soul begins
Burning memories remind me of where I am
Lost in the past, while drowning in the future
What future could be placed on this obscure void
Glimmering moments of ecstasy slip through the holes
Seconds of bliss show what could be
To be content
Before the flood of hopelessness and despair return

It's small and white
It fits perfectly in my pleading hands

It's calling to me
Begging me to fail

Self control?
Gone.

Numbness takes over
Everything is lost

Pain is irrelevant
But needed

The silver flash cuts flesh
releases pain and agony

Rivers of red flow smoothly onto the floor
Collecting and turning into oceans  

Stop?
Why?

Never.

Sitting in a room filled with a thousand girls
All nervous and anxious to meet their new futures
Whats your name?
Whats your major?
Normal and only inquiry asked from hesitant lips
My surroundings are wavering and changing with every second
I am a numberless count
Enclosed by hundreds
Speak to me heart, and you'll have me
Diversity, love and values matching me to my new home
The need for belonging after years of rejection
I now pledge my heart to you
To love for devotion
My days are no longer just myriad and empty
Laughter mixed with loyalty binds me to you
You are not the sun that I orbit
But the moon that shines in my darkest hours
To accept an invitation among the stars is to join a constellation of illuminated descendants that watch over and protect

It finally happened
But it needed to happen
Where did you go?
I'm so sorry
Sorry that I ever met you
We could never be friends could we?
Were we ever friends?
I'm glad it happened
I couldn't have done it
And neither could you
But this was our escape
Finally we can be free
I've learned so much from you
But I can't take your pain forever
And I can't be in pain forever
I'll always remember you
Will you please
For me
Remember me
Not as the girl that ruined it all
Or Jessie's girl
But as me
The me you fell in love with