I fell in love with the possibility of us
I fell not for your charming imperfections
I fell not for your 60s voice
I fell for what we could have been

There  is no better comfort than the warmth of a fluffy blanket and some hot chocolate.

2. Good food can really make you happy in the darkest of times.

3. The past cannot hurt you if you walk away from it.

4. Nobody and I mean no body can make you feel terrible about yourself unless you give them the power to.

5. You will never find true love until you truly love yourself first.

6. Success will elude you for years, maybe decades. But it will come, just not in the way you demand it to.

7. Your opinions are what make you, you. So never be shy to stand for what you believe in.

8. There is a time for words and there is a time for actions and most of all, there is a time for silence. Learn their strengths and use them well.

9. No amount of expensive makeup can make you feel better if you cannot first love your naked self irrevocably.

10. You have the strength to take on any problem you ever face. But also have the strength to accept help when you need it.

11. Be aware of everything that happens around you. Use it and learn from it. If you believe and work towards it, one small person can make a difference.

12. Always make time for others. Learn to balance your needs with everyone else's. After all, success will only be a lonely climb if you choose it to be so.

13. This life will hit you, hurt you, harder than you ever imagined. But never forget that after the storm, there is always a rainbow near by.

Every morning she left the bed warm
The nightmares of her loss bled into the sheets
A ritual she endured every night
My soothing words too little help
The demons proved to be too strong
Those of regret always were
Not even my voice could chase them away
My fingers failing to awaken her
From this nightmare she lived in

She was a woman of unimaginable strength
A leader for the last dregs of us
The warrior meant t lead us all
To a place away from this nightmarish hell
One of extinction we were at the brink of

If only it made a difference
Her gift could only protect her so far
Her mind roamed free from its clutches
Endangering her very existence into the depths of madness
The 3 AM demons couldn’t be kept away
Years of training now failed me
And her too

I hope someday
One day she saves herself
Because none of us can

Will I ever be strong enough to not cry?
Why does this foolish heart of mine forgive so easily?
Why can't I just stew in my hate for them?
Wouldn't it be easier that way?
Wouldn't hate reduce every opportunity they get to hurt me?
How can I still love them?
Even after every cruel word and blow they dish out?
Would being an orphan have been any different?
How can you miss that which you never had?
Wouldn't my heart be guarded from the betrayal of my own blood?
What did I ever do to be treated in such hurtful ways?

But a mother is supposed to love and support their child no matter what, Isn't she??
Why doesn't mine be there for me??
Does she not love me??

As predicted we parted ways
The crossroads were inevitable
A destiny our friendship could not escape
Equipped with this knowledge still couldn't prepare me for the break
It broke my heart to admit those unmentionables
We had become different people
wanting different things from life

No longer could we stand beside each other in happiness
Every encounter turned from joy to distaste
We made promises at every turn
Knowing full well
we would never keep them
Time pulled us away from each others love
Erasing slowly our shared past
It was a slow yet silent end
The final seal set in place with
the official end of college frivolity

I don't hate you for this end
We both were equally responsible for it
Yet my regrets seem stronger than your own emotions
For I have loved you for many a day
And this was not what I dreamed of
A future without your bright presence in it

With the end of my college years
I close this chapter of you
Your stay was shorter than I wished it to be
But the experience
was nothing short of beauty
Filled with love, happiness and
a lot of arguments
Not to mention beers
Carlsberg white elephant in Cafe New York shall not be forgotten
I wish you all the happiness in the world
You are a bright light that I hope
is never extinguished

There are soo many people I may never meet, hug, love and kiss
But I am so glad I could do it all with you
Even for the shortest time
Its memories shall not be forgotten
with yesterday's half eaten sandwich
But shall burn brightly in my heart
for all days to come.

Sitting beside her
Watching her slowly break to pieces
The only thing keeping her together
Were her thin calloused arms
Clasped tightly around her heaving chest
I couldn't bear it anymore

I love you...
I blurted out hastily
Before the significance of what I said could settle in
But I couldn't take them back
The words now stood between us
Floating in the silence of my confession
Her eyes widened and bloodshot
Arms wrapped tightly around herself
Hair left in a messy half tied bun

She sat just an arms distance away
And all I could was see beauty
In those runny kajal lined eyes
Coloured a warm shade of brown

I love you I specified once more
Her stumped silence more annoying now
But better, much better
Than one filled with her tears

I've loved everything about you I explain
More for my own sake than hers
For my mind could barely process such a confession

I love the way you dance to the corniest of songs
When you think no one can see you
I love how you spend an hour just figuring out makeup
Only to walk out with just lip balm gracing your face
I love how you try to dress ****
But would rather get married in a pair of boxers
I love how you're a ******* geek
But still can't resist an episode of Greys Anatomy

I love the contradiction you are
As changeable as the winds
But always steadfast when I need you
I love that awkward smile
I love that messy bun
I love those over sized t-shirts
I love that sarcastic mouth

You are not as weak as you believe
Your scars are what I love most
And how you show them off with pride to the world
Your imperfections make you perfect
And your...

Before I finished this sudden display of verbosity
She kissed me
Wrapping herself around me completely
For our imperfections we loved
And no person would make us erase our proud battle scars of life.

I almost kissed your friend that night
As the warm night crept on
Hazy music being grooved to
Long limbs entranced in the rhythm
His encouraging smile amused me
Those uncoordinated moves encouraged me
We let loose our wild side for all to see
No insecurities holding us back
And when you strayed away to unknown company
I wondered vaguely
Of the possibility of him
That drunken smile a fascinating attraction
But as the final seconds of the year strained by
It was in your arms I stood
Your warm face my fingers touched
Your lips my own kissed

A pause of hesitance ignored by you
As a fleeting thought of my new attraction
Raced by
But in the end
It was to you I went
For it is you that I held the possibility of hope
And maybe a spark of love

I know right now the last thing you could ever want
Is something from me
I'm sure you're readying yourself to block me
Across every forum possible
Snipping away every cord of connection from me
Erasing our memories though how colourful they were
The deals the promises the kisses
The looks the hands the love
You wish to forget it all
Focusing only on the darkness
In a ploy to remove my existence from your life
It is your choice to do so if you wish
But rash cruel decisions we always regretted
A field I have far too much experience in
Though you do not wish to acknowledge
It to me anymore
I shall say it again
I love you

There are many kinds of loves in this world
and not every one is meant to last
But it doesn't for a second mean it isn't important
You ask what was the point of it?
Well the same can be said about life could it not?
What is the point if in the end we all have to die?
The reason the answer my sweet boy
Is that it's an experience
We need all kinds of loves in our lives
It helps us grow, lights a fire inside us
Fixes our wounds and gives us
Pages of memories crucial to our existence
When you have loved someone
No matter what happens, it never dies
Your heart just grows larger  
fills more people inside it

I promised you once
When you looked into my eyes and held my body
You asked me to never let you go
So I won't. Even if you push me away I will hold on
I'll always be there for you
Whenever you need me I'll come back
And if you wish to not have to keep in touch I won't
Though it would hurt me a great deal to do so
But il always wait this promise isn't a lie
I shall wait and welcome you
Whenever you wish to come back with open arms

We have far too little time on this earth
To spend it in hatred
I wish you wouldn't
*** I don't. Couldn't. Even if I tried.
Our end had its coming. But it isn't one
With a finality
Honestly
I'm glad we didn't walk away that day
I'm glad I held on
And I tell you this I meant every word
But I guess as humans we aren't perfect
But I'm glad I got one more week with you
To kiss you
To remind you that I loved you
To hold you in my arms
It was never about exploring or other men
It never could have been
We were I guess just too extreme for eachother
And my own fuckedupness
which you know only a shred of

All I wanted to say is
I wish you the happiest of lives
You are one of the most brilliant men I have met
I believe in you completely
No failure will ever hold you down
You are destined to be brilliant.
You just have to believe
You are whole. And beautiful and perfection.
You have no idea about the number of tears I shed
More for my loss of soul friend
Than for a loss of lover
You've made me laugh and cry and angry and smile so much
these past months
You made a dent in my soul
Helped me grow and become a better person
I will always be grateful for your strength
For your love and for your belief

You are one of the best men I know
You will remain in my heart
and I shall never erase your memories
They rest forever with me
Please try not to think too harshly of me
I wasn't enough for you and couldn't make you happy
That is why it had to end
I want to see you happy
You deserve it completely
and I won't hold you back
I give you all my love
And hope sincerely each passing day
That some day
One day
I can meet you again.

We are nearing the cross roads
the end had never been so close
We both feel it in our souls
as the winds of time propel us.

An uncertain future
filled with beautiful and dark mysteries
await us patiently.

At the cross road
not too far from now
I won't shed waterfalls
at the painful break.

Walking our separate paths
holding on to a piece of each other.

Memories of our past stay
latched around our hearts.

For I love you forever
And,
Always will I remember.

As long as there are artists
There shall be muses too
Chosen not for their pale purity
Or gold spun locks

Muses are reality
An image of honesty
Riddled with imperfections
And steeped in hardship

Yet what makes them special
Is not their seeming perfection
It is their will to live
A force overcoming hurdles

They suffer, terribly so
Brought to their knees in pain
But never letting go
Always holding on

It is this power
This unimaginable strength they hold
That makes them beautiful
That draws us to them

Forcing us to declare
This valley of emotions they erupt in us
Destroying us into smithereens
And then rebuilding us piece by piece

They drive us into a frenzy
Of words, colours and music
Driving us to infinite madness
And rebirthing us into an imperfect heaven of love

As long as there are artists
There shall be muses too
For they are each others saviour
Neither can survive or create without the other

Sitting beside you in absolute silence
It finally hits me
The answer that evaded me
All these past months

It is not you I love
It is not your touch I crave
It is not your voice I wish to awake to

It was the idea of you
That I fell in love with
An idea so powerful
It stole your being in an attempt
to manifest into reality
Stole your heart to project itself honestly

And foolish little me fell
Fell deep deep in love
Mistaking an idea for you
*** you were the mask behind which idea hid
You were the soul which idea stole
You an innocent victim to Idea's plans

Though the truth of the matter is,
I love you boy
        Wholeheartedly
Your words have the power to make me smile
In the darkest of days
Your hugs have the power to comfort my trembles
Your actions have the power to amuse me in the silliest of ways

But still,
I love idea far more

The wars wouldn't shake me
The mass killings not break me
If only I felt safe here
No evil power could consume my soul

But I sleep each night
In a trembling fear
Of beloveds in anger retaliating
Frustrations relieved in a lashing

You and I always boasted of being different
Not following stupid teenage mistakes
At least when it came to each other
We knew what we were
And no other opinion mattered

The first time I slept over
We stayed up all night
Watching silly late night flicks
You lay across my lap
So intimate for acquaintances
A new beginning perhaps
We wondered secretly
As you kissed my hand sleepily

The first time we slept in the same bed
An unconscious action of innocent drunks
We laid side by side barely touching only our hands held together
We drifted to our own happy places

The first time we said I love you
Was not at romantic sunset beaches
We declared it matter of factly
To others
As we scorned at the idea of "us"
Pointing sneakily we whispered
"But there's nothing there"

The first time your hands reached into forbidden territory
I was hiding in fear of brutal killings on a 10 inch flat screen
We lay in each others arms
Moving slowly against our heat
Wondering what was going on
For this was not expected
It was never even a possibility

The first time I said I wanted more
Wasn't a session of exchanged emotions
Rather a battle of cruel words
Flung blindly at each other
Intentions not to hurt but only confused at the rapidly changing reality

The first time you said we needed a break
You convinced yourself of your mature decision
But I knew this to be another beginning
Beginning of our end
For we no longer knew what we were
And evil whispers gained importance over unsaid feelings

The first time you walked past me like I didn't exist
I didn't cry or breakdown
From the corners of my eyes I saw you greet others with a smile
But it was a smile I no longer knew
A face I no longer recognised
A body I no longer remembered

I never was one of your famous escapades
I never was a night you'd always remembered
I almost became another one timer
But never a notch on your bed post

Rich or poor
Smart or foolish
Beautiful or not so

Big or small each and every human life is precious.
Important and priceless.
You don't have to have been the most powerful man alive
To have a life that mattered.

The loss is great
Greater still for those who knew him
Who valued his company
Who loved his heart
Who understood his soul.

A life was lost today.
Too young and innocent
To have been snatched away
So cruelly
From the clasp of loved ones.

You needn't have known him
To feel their loss
You needn't have loved him
To feel their pain

A life was lost today.
A boy was taken away.

17/01/2015

You're spiteful selfishness I despise
And you think it to be okay
Yourselves more important
Than us lowly humans

As creators you have the right you claim
To take and give as you seem fit
Your own needs alone to be valued
With thousands of hands making your life comfortable

But one day things will change
One day your power over us shall weaken
That day you will not be spared emotion
That day you shall meet your final end.

I walk the streets proudly
my head held high
These marks that startle people
are my battle scars
Fighting the existent ideas
of false beauty
All the teen years of my life.

The righteous and brave die but one death,
but what if they die for those very reasons?

As cowards stand tall in gleaming armour,
holding treacherous ****** knives in their hands.

They say if its meant to be it will happen
Though time and distance pulls us away
Stretching these bonds tighter than before
We'd always come back to eachother
In one way or another
Though time may change us
New battle scars adorn us
Different loves leave us
This bond will remain
Strengthened not with iron and cement
But with an unending care
With an unmoving love
With a burning passion
This bond will remain

Hair as wild as the Amazon                 Hair crazy and wild
  holding secrets I do not                 that tickles me when we
   wish to know                                  sleep in a drunken haze
                                                            ­               on a tiny bed

   Eyes that scream an                   Eyes colored and different
   intensity I do not                                   that see through the
   wish to pierce me                       smokescreen of my words
                                                           ­                   of deception

Voice as deep                                 Voice that calls me back
as the Mariana trench                       to a place of sanity
  I do not wish to hear                            caressing me to                                     at 4 am                                                    comfort   

Heart tender undercooked flesh           Heart as big as the
  I do not wish to see tear                   population of india
                                                     loving my scars and bruises
                                                         ­       unconditionally

      Keep away .                *Please stay, just one more day.

It starts off with happiness
The simple kind
When the world seems a beautiful place
Filled with possibilities and dreams

It changes in to sadness
A controlling one
That brings out the dark realities existence holds
Proving the insignificance of individuality

It deepens into depression
Spiralling out of control
******* the life force out of the sun
Plummeting through the nine rings of inferno

It breaks into tears
A helpless act
Mourning for the loss of innocence once cherished
An escort of belief in goodness

It ignites into anger
A deep hatred of all living
Despicableness for the destroyers of possibilities and hope
Infuriated at the selfishness of **** sapiens

It burns out into nothingness
A feeling of floating away in silence
A bearable insight into the reality of the universe
Losing the identity of a soul

This is the cycle of my life
Dramatic and dark as it may be
It is the curse and gift I live with
For feeling my emotions so strong

There will be times
when love art and reality coexist
beauty reigning each passing moment

there will be times
when both left and right can be
fused together in absolute perfection

there will be times
when insecurities vanish seamlessly
giving birth to new hope

but

there will also be times
of miserable uselessness
clawing away the present

times
of mundane boredom spreading
bringing about despising of every action

times
when ripping reality into shreds
is as worthless as always
every moment experienced

In the end is just an illusion
of mind, soul and body

Failure may seem to be a demon latched onto your soul
but fear not for his hold is weak
For he knows you are destined for more
You were born to be the best
and that soon enough
You will step on failure's ugly head
and move up with no fear
Your love pushing you to be the better
Until soon you become the Jack Sparrow of the seas
but hopefully without the thieving
A Captain with a course of his own

You are destined for better
Let no one tell you different
The demons will fail their goals
To break you down
For I know one day you'll reach yours

Death
50 shot cruelly without a thought

Death
Tiny bodies washing up on free shores

Death
Smoke and dust settling on ****** limbs

Death
Explosions wiping out ancient blocks of life

Death
Abused bodies of women ignored

Death
Dusty bodies pulled out of concrete avalanches

Death
A girl silenced on a stage forever

Death
Armed protectors mutilated in hatred

Death
Death
And more death

How long will you sit in silence?

Words typed in a haste excitement
Ignorant to the woman on the other side
Ideas attacking her feed
Uncaring of the broken pieces of her soul

Facebook pinging like a shrill cuckoo bird
Reality crashing like fallen jenga pieces

Instagram popping with pretentious new pictures
Eyes shutting the painful past memories

Twitter tweeting like a babe  hungry for milk
Body twitching to the tune of ancient whistles

The virtual screaming all day of accomplishments, love and money
The self turning to final dust at the turn of this technological century

She had a way of looking at you after one too many pegs
Her stare far too focused for someone so blazed on spirits
One hand reaching out almost to grab your face
But you realise what she's seeking for doesn't exist in the physical realm
Her hand grips your face now
Gently
Until you feel her nails slowly slicing down your ear
Your neck feels hot as her deft fingers slip inside
Her eyes locked on yours soothing any pain you should be feeling
Her hand going deeper inside you
Dodging artery nerves and pushing aside your muscles
Only to clasp on your voice box
You move your mouth in protest but no words escape
And as you blink in horror, her hand is gone
Your own reaches up to check the wound but there is none
"What....the..****?"
The words slip out with surprising ease
You weren't expecting this
You look at her in confusion
Trying to search her face for an answer she refuses to disclose
After 5 minutes of silence she sighs
"I couldn't find the words to explain how I feel about you. So I wanted some of yours instead."
Her face is closer now, her hand back to cradling your face
You brace for another invasion but what you feel is the unexpected touch of her lips against yours
They tasted so good you decided to give in
Maybe she wasn't the one high on spirits
Maybe it was you
Maybe you just imagined it all
"I want you"

Don't ask me who he was
For I may be forced lie

Don't ask me how much he meant
For I may be forced to remember

Don't ask me how he kissed
For I may be forced to relive

Don't ask me if I loved him
For I may to be forced to say "yes"

Every time I see you
There's this feeling of giddiness
rising slowly inside my lungs.

Every time I touch your skin
There's this softness like cream
that inflames my fingertips.

Every time I hug you
There's this safety from my world
your body exudes.

Every time I look into your eyes
There's this feeling of confidence
that boosts my will to wake up
                              each morning.

Every time I hold your hand
There's this child-like joy
brought about that keeps a skip
                                 in my step.

Every time I sleep beside you
There's this mix of fear and security
that electrifies my nerves into a frenzy
                                   keeping me awake.

Every time I bring your lips to mine
There's this gentleness of your care
and this fieriness of your hate I feel
                                       flood my brain.

Every time,
                   You ******* away
into a million smithereens of dust.

Every time,
                   You glue back each particle
to fix me, uncovering a new facet of my obsession.

                       Every time there is death
                       Every time there is rebirth
                              of emotions
                              of feelings
                              of pain
                              of happiness.


                       We break it all down
                        and build it up again
                              Every time
                              Every time.

And then she closed her eyes
To have every fantastical wonderment reminded
A promise from nature's own hallowed mother
To never be forgotten
A vow to remain a flower child
Til the final existence of time

I loved you for every reason one shouldn’t fall in love.

Every word, every action you lashed out forced my heart to long for you even more.

It never was a conventional love filled with dreams and hopes for a better tomorrow.

Rather it was a love of the fallen clinging desperately onto the failed perception of him.

Days and weeks whooshed by in a storm stinging my skin with subtle reminders of your betrayal.

Yet I clung onto a moment of the past and loved you even more.

Brutal words raining down like piercing knives made no difference.

The mistakes, the faults, the cruelty; I loved these more than the possible beauty you could have been.

This never was a love of lovers set to last an eternity.

It was a pained love meant to cease one way or another.

This love of madness and stupidity would soon leave this tortured body.

Leaving it cleansed and pure of all the pain it caused.

It was and always would be a selfish love never meant to be returned.

Just meant to heal and strengthen the once wrecked soul.

And if by a sick twist of fate you could turn around and love me, you would have to let go.

I’d kiss you chastely on those childlike lips that have felt countless many and walk away.

You would finally be whole with the knowledge that that mess of feelings and actions had a purpose.

Walking down your own set path as I on mine you would smile at the glimmering hope of a future of honest love promised to you.

With the passage of time, things change
Nothing remains the same
People change.
We all do. It's a constant process
of evolution, of life

No one person stays
forever in your life
There are billions
of other souls out there
waiting, hoping, desperatedly
searching for a connection

I was lucky enough
to forge one with you
These bonds remain, Even
if those who forged them
move on.

I will never stop caring
or loving
No one person can extinguish
that part of me.

I thank you profusely,
For the stories,
The memories,
The love.

I leave you a better woman
in the making.
A constant work in progress
One filled with love
nonetheless.

You are not begging for my forgiveness
You are searching for your own

Our eyes met across the hallway
Yours filled with a polite curiosity
My identity questionable
With a touch of nagging familiarity

I walked away
Merging into the crowds of uniform
Avoiding those moonlike eyes
Having a pull that draws me in

For a stranger
Your face seems old
Like it was carved into my insides
A promise of unforgetability

Who are you?
My mind searches its dark recesses
For answers which long since
Have been brutally wiped away clean

You find me easily
My scarred face hard to miss
Brows furrowed in confusion
You stare at my skin

Fingers reaching out
To touch the untouchable
A word forming on your lips
Evolving into a question

Nicole…?
Fingers clench the pregnant air
My body stepping back in fear
Too close.  Way too close.

I’m cornered now
Your presence now stronger
Studying my face with shock
My trembling cautioning your movements

Tears place themselves
Delicately in the corners of your sight
Emotions running wildly inside your being
As you look into the eyes of a ghost.

Gift me books
Filled with stories of far away lands
Words of poetry overflowing in love

Gift me books
Anonymous letters of confession
Mythical tales of African tribes

Gift me books
Blank new borns
Filled to the spine with memories and dreams

Gift me books to fall in love with
Books to time travel into
Books to escape responsible madness
Books to share with my bros

Pages and pages filled with fascinating, inspiring, emotional simple words
Gift me a book
So we can share our worlds to form galaxies
Of trust. Hope. And love.

For people who call each other best friends
We do put up a pretty bad show
Don't we?

Is this how it ends?
All our memories forgotten in the dust
We walk away with no love
No feeling for the other

Did we push it too far?
The boundaries set by society
We broke them with enthusiasm
A spur of the moment thing
And now I guess
The consequences must be faced

Maybe you never had the strength
Your conviction false
Maybe it was all too much
Too many emotions to handle
And you chose
To run away from all of it

Easier I presume
Than dealing with one like me
Yes you did leave me standing
All alone in this rain
And yes it breaks my heart
To say this
But we are done

I can't wait for you
*** it hurts too much
Like my heart being ripped into nothingness
I can't hold on anymore
And be constantly disappointed
So this is goodbye
For how long I do not know
But goodbye nonetheless

It is considered weak to commit suicide
A terrible waste
The gift of life squandered
Keep on fighting
Never back down
You hear it every message movie and whatever's

But does anybody
I mean anybody even try
To understand the why?
Why would someone want to **** themselves
What could have happened to push them over the edge of sanity?

People don't just go around killing them selves for ***** sake
We're not some warped version of hidan following some killing cult called jashin

There is always a reason

What do I live for?
I have asked myself this question so many times I've lost count
And almost 90 percent of the time
I could find no answer
No reason to keep breathing
To keep living

Yet inside I've been dead
Emotionally dead
Not in a way that I feel nothing
Feeling nothing is a luxury I crave for
The problem is I feel too much
And I feel it killing me literally
Bit by bit

How do you live
When the very people you love treat you like the filth of the street
How can you keep going on
When every time, they break you
With their cruelty
Their words driving knives that keep digging into you flesh
Their bodies attacking you to a point where the slightest touch of flesh fills fear in your heart

What makes it worse is the bi polarity of it
Those rare moments of niceness terrify me more
It confuses me
It makes me believe that its all my fault

My fault that I'm hit
My fault that I'm filth
My fault again that they hit me
They do it because they love me they say
And as imperfect human beings their love is bound to have faults

But is it fair to me?
They have turned me into what I am
And now they hate what I've become
And what can I do?
All I ever asked for was to be loved
To be believed in
I'm not perfect either I've made one too many mistakes

But if you couldn't forgive
If you couldn't love
Then why in the world would you procreate?
Why the hell would you bring a child into this world if you couldn't love her when she grew up

You used her to vent your frustrations
She was blamed as the source of all your worldly problems
You hit her to feel better about yourself
Destroyed her will to strengthen your own
And when she cried
When she was in the corner shivering and fearful
You put a warm hand and comforted her
Told her it was her duty to bear it without complain

You drove her to insanity and back everyday
Used her trust to mock her
About the very things that broke her

And now finally
Two whole decades later
She has become nothing
Just an empty shell of what she used to be
Colourful butterflies don't spring out of papers when she moves crayons across them
Dark moths and evil sinisters arise instead
Drawing her into their dark feeling less hearts

This is her life
This is her story

And then they wonder why a girl from such a good family killed herself
Surely a bad egg was she

Her poor poor parents.

Its more than kisses
Its more that sensual touches
Its more than simple words
Its more than fatal crushes
Its a connection you see
One I yet can't define

If I am being honest with myself
Truly and undeniably so
I'd admit that I feel us waning
Those passionate emotions are no longer
A part of us
There's this force that's pushing us away
And until now I hadn't felt it
I wonder who's to blame for it
And I guess truthfully it's us both
I put too much hope into you
My expectations on the higher sides of things
I tried to give you every bit of me
More than I could even spare
And foolishly hoped to receive the same

And you on the other hand always
Had good intentions
You promised me love
You swore to me happiness
You chalked out a dream
And told me it would be reality
Yet you couldn't
It was an impossible sworn promise
That couldn't ever be fulfilled

And all that seems left is emptiness
What was supposed to be a relieving time of happiness
Has turned into a mundane darkness
Streaked in a fear and confusion
Of what my reality really is
This is the only way I can put in words
How I feel
And to tell you this pains me
For I know you won't understand
And I guess it's cruel to say it out loud

But when I look at us
I no longer can see happiness
Just a numb confusion
For my love for you still rings true
Yet everything else lies in shambles
And I wonder was love ever enough?
For now
And even for the future?

After all was said and done
He wrapped himself around me
In a tightly formed question mark
The answer to which I yet do not know

I spent the night tossing in confusion
His midnight kisses further puzzling my thoughts
A random hookup wasn't this to be?

No feelings
No attachments
No anything
Wasn't that the unsaid plan?

Then why did I feel this growing fondness
For a boy I barely knew
Whose one and only connection to me
Were the stupid investments our fathers had made

Why did I want to hold him back?
Kiss his cheeks with the same gentleness he showed me
When the plan was always a physical one?


This monthly ritual of his I succumbed to
My mind overthrown by multiple questions
While my body gave to him every part of me I could

Until on a lonely Friday my eyes opened
The metaphors I had discovered
Now lay dead around me
The reality lying startlingly naked ahead of me

It was not care that brought him close
It was not any symbol of love he saw

A woman's body is all he acknowledged
My soul never receiving the gratification it dreamed for
There were no metaphors to this story
No hidden secrets waiting to be discovered

Just a girl who hoped for more
Settling for a boy couldn't ever see more
Than her naked waist
The tickle of moving hair
The flutter of her lips in ecstasy
The sigh in her heart as he moved away

He brought out the best in me
Demanded it every waking second
An impossible standard to wake up to
Bringing out new parts of me
New strengths to get acquainted to
Everyday was an evolution
A painful breaking of old cocoons
Striving towards an invisible ideality
His pedestal of perfection
Dreaming of my delicate wings
Drawn to match his idea
Hoping to be worthy

He brought out the best in me
But
I was not enough
Never could have met his dreams
How could i have?
Those expectations weren't mine to meet
He dreamt them for another
A stronger maiden who he cherished
One I could never battle
Nor cut away from the musical chords of his heart
A choking reality crashing in
Too fast it raced up to me
Destroying my strength with a lazy flick

In the finality of us
A black emptiness took over
Wrapping me in its warmth
Blinding my mind with crippling grief
As it took me away
Leaving me in a new reality
One where us meant nothing
Not a speck of past left behind

Dusting away my disappointment
I got up
And walked away

He brought out the worst in me
Cruel actions and words his weapons
Ones he kept well oiled for use
Every syllable spoken in perfection
Hitting the bullseye of my patience
Bursting out a fury I long kept hidden
With a marksmen’s skills he teased out
Anger overcrowding my being like rain clouds
Bringing heavy showers of unrealistic vows
A wild gust of cruel decisions sweeping sanity away
He welcomed this flood with manic laughter

He brought out the worst in me
But
I still loved his soul
Though how cruel and selfish it truly was
Blinded by ancient kind actions
I skipped over the puddles of each storm
Hopping towards our reconciliation island
Hoping always for the sun to break out
Foolishly falling for the momentary calm
Putting the rest the rage and reality
Losing my fingers in the cords of us
Reattaching the damaged strings of trust
Dreaming of an ideality…..Us
But the truth broke in easily

In the finality of us
All that remained was nothing
An infinite of emptiness to run away from
Before it’s long tentacles pulled me in
Grief slithering into my heart
Taking full control of a shattered soul
A breathing living body
Now turned into a shell of nothingness
With sharp fingers I cut out the dead
Letting the ****** mess taint me
Until I let go with a sigh

Dusting away my disappointment
I got up
And walked away

What do you do
When you realise
Decades later
That the person you hate today
The one you despise to your core
Was the very same person you yourself were
Years and years ago

Does it give you the right?
To judge? To hate?
Or do you shut up
And gnaw yourself inside every second
Do you continue to curse each hardship
You face
Shed tears at your misfortune
Or do you take it all in silence
Believing it to be karmas cruel twist
Accepting it like a penitent man

How do you live with yourself
Now knowing exactly how it felt
The torture you laid on others
Realising only once you yourself experienced it
Do you wish to watch yourself burn
The rightful end for your deeds?
Or do move on
Lock it in a mental box
Push it away into the darkness
An evil forgotten
Attempting foolishly to erase your demonic self

For though others believe you to be angelic
An innocent victim of life
You alone know the truth
The sick disgusting truth of your existence
The price for which you pay each day

For the question was never how do you continue living
The true question is
How do you live with yourself?

Its crazy that I dreamt of you last night
After all the brutally sharp words
The physical bruises the hurt
A bond seemingly broken to its core

I dreamt of you wanting to kiss me
As we sat the present racing through us
The look in your eyes were hesitant and honest
My own thoughts though muddled and confused

I dreamt of us together that night
Even  though my heart confessed to another
My emotions were true and clear
Until hazy dreams  brought up a forgotten past

I dreamt that night of things I chose to forget
I relived a part of me that was lost in the past
In a conscious reality now I sit
So many faces locked in my mind

Wondering endlessly
How many do I love tonight?

Growing up I never had any pets
My adorable baby brother grew to be the centre of all attentions
My parents were way to busy working
Keeping us afloat
To pay attention to this skinny dreamy girl
I've been to crèches
Where the owners 18 year old son used to hit me
I've sat at the doorsteps of my house
Hours and hours
Hoping the cook would let me

Home lost its appeal
I saw it as a place to live
Not a place to love
Loneliness grew to be my closest companion
My dreams and troubles too complicated
For the simple minds of 8 year olds
12 years later
Things have changed
I've grown into a woman
One I could someday admire
But the 8 year old hasn't left
The one who craves love
Who sits by the doorstep of faith knocking
Begging for the strength to hold on

12 years later we got ourselves a tortoise
Marco the solitary explorer of our house
He was not mine to keep or love
A birthday gift just for my brother
But he grew on us all
Bringing out slowly the love we had long since locked away
In my recent months of hiding
He became my companion
Someone so tiny
Who could never speak
Yet listened so intently when I spoke
Whose curiosity and laziness rivalled my own
We had a understanding
A relationship
I was always careful with him
His tininess terrified me
I've hurt too many in the past
Not this time I vowed

But I ******* it all up
Early morning routines passed in a hurry
My selfishness got the better of me
As I hustled into another work day
And just as I lugged my work for the day into the next room
I felt something hit my foot
And a squeak that turned my blood to ice
There he was
Hidden inside his shell which lay upside down
Time slowed down to seconds
As I rushed to set him straight
Praying he was okay

And even though my mom says he's okay
I can't get rid of the guilt
That painful squeak runs clear in my mind every passing second
I don't deserve him
I could have killed him
I almost did
The problem is always with me

I'm the hurricane of insanity
Of fuckedupness redefined
I could have killed him
I almost did

I am not perfect
Far from it
I am perhaps the very definition
Of what perfection is not
From the scars on my cheeks
To the tremble in my thin arms

I am not perfect
Far from it
My lips tremble in fear
Of the honest words that tumble without thought
My soul flutters in insecurity
Knowing someday you too will leave

I am not perfect
Far from it
My past stronger than ever
With its iron grip on my reality
My senses numbed by past conflicts
Questioning the motives of the true

I am not perfect
Far from it
I am perhaps the very definition
Of what perfection is not
But my heart loves truly and tells the truth
That every other part of me so vehemently denies

If given the chance
I'd kiss you for every emotion you feel. The joy of sailing that shines through your heart.
The fear of failing which shadows your lids.
The hope of winning those titles of greatness.
The need of shinning in the darkness of dull moments.
I'd kiss you for the joy
I'd kiss you for the sadness
I'd kiss you for every emotion
And do so with gladness.

Maybe I could be the one
Who fixed you
But only if you let me in

Maybe I could show you beauty
That all life holds
But only if you let me in

Maybe I could help you sleep
More soundly than a child
But only if you let me in

Maybe I could give you every reason
To live, love and laugh
But only if you let me in

So bear down those chains
That guard your heart

Open up the windows
That hide your soul

And for once boy,
Just let me in..

Would you love me if  my skin was beautiful
a perfect porcelain
without scars marring my skin?

Would you love me if i had full lips
the delicate kind
that kissed roses everday?

Would you love me if i had a straight nose
a feminine one
that looked perfect from every angle?

Would you love me if i had doe shaped eyes
an innocent pair
that showed my inner purity?

Would you love me if i had an unbroken heart
like those of newborns
trusting and joyful every passing second?

Would you love me if i had a clean soul
white as the first fall of snow
never to have known of darkness and unimagninable hurts?

Would you love me if i had a muscial laughter
like gentle gurgles of a stream
never a note out of place in its symphony?

Would you love me if i spoke in soft tones
never to utter a curse
with diplomacy ruling my tongue?

Would you love me if i was this check list
of what others considered beauty
seemingly the ideal whose hand a task to win?

If you could love me as this
erase meat once from the chambers of your mind
leave no trace of my presence visible
i would be sure to disappoint your wishes and dreams
you held on high pedestals

For i am riddled with battlescars
and my words would only voice my honest opinions
my body breaking the mould of ideal perfection
my heart a shattered vase taped together
my soul steeped in darkness yet riddled with wells of dreams

If you could love my imperfections
If you could love my soul
then you and i could possibly be together
as imperfection but never alone.