I remember the first time I watched the great Gatsby.
Your legs propped on my own,
Sailing in the land of happy dreams
You slept.
While I watched the most heartbreaking movie of the 2014.

You never realised how much that movie meant.
Never conceived how much  
Words and acts could drive a person

It was at that moment
As I watched Gatsby fall
His dreams shattered and his heart ruined
That I was hit with the reality.
Last nights drunken actions were more
Than just movements or simple words.

To me atleast
It all meant more
Deep down inside
Than you could ever have understood.

And though you hardly ever mentioned
The ongoings of that particular night,
It stayed with me.

And as Mr. Carraway spoke
Those last tantalising words of love,
I promised myself.
One day I shall tell you.
One day I shall have the courage Daisy never did.
To admit once and for all,
To the universe that I love you.

The righteous and brave die but one death,
but what if they die for those very reasons?

As cowards stand tall in gleaming armour,
holding treacherous ****** knives in their hands.

2478 friends on Facebook
4.6k followers on Instagram
2.1k followers on Twitter

Thousands of likes
Digital affirmations to an insecure soul
Hundreds of retweets
In agreement of a pretentious quote
Innumerable hearts sent
Wowing the 'hippy-artistic' Mac picture

Every portals overflowing with attention
Yet not a single shred
Not a drizzling drop
Of genuine care

We spend our lives peeping into the digital windows of others souls
Comparing. Mocking. Craving. Envying.
Physically distancing each other with every WhatsApp call.

Until one day
Staring at a dead blank screen
The deafening silence choking her
She wakes up with a gasp
Sifting through the thick cobwebs blinding her
To see the nothingness
Not a trace of warmth left behind

Finally, the silence steals away her awareness
The emptiness blinding her soul
Pushing and choking
In the end
A mere corpse remains
Still chained to the online life support
Just a being
But no more a soul

After awhile you realise
In the end, its just you
All those times spent mean nothing
Those human priorities  
That meant so much to you
They feel nothing for you
Its all about what's in your wallet
No care of the feelings that stay hidden
Within the deep dark quarters of your heart

In the end
It's up to you to do what you must
To reach those dreams you dreamt
All those years on a tears ridden bed
People will use up all your life source
A simple recharge for their own
You have to step up and stop
Stop the unconditional love

It's time
They knew your worth
It's time they feared your power
The strength and talent that resides inside
One you forgot you had for years
It waits to be called upon
To rise up and rebuild yourself

You deserve all you dreamt of
And with a sprinkle of self belief
And a splash of courage
Those dreams will finally
Merge into the fabric of time
And transform into a reality
One you worked your body to death for
The one you were destined for.

Take me to the Isle of Skye
Where cold winds can flow through me
Freezing away my poor choices

Take me to the Isle of Skye
Where the clouds merge into blankets of comfort
Where I can rest my tired head

Take me to the Isle of Skye
Where mystery and wonder dance delicately
Enticing me to join in

Take me to the Isle of Skye
Where the musical rivers sing sweet
An enchanting melody to get lost to

Take me to the Isle of Skye
So I can merge myself into its identity
And finally let go from the cruel clutches of humanity

Take me to the Isle of Skye
To disintegrate my soul into its beauty
My words just gentle whispers in the wind

Calling home the lost souls
To the warm embraces
Of the Isle of Skye

Sitting beside her
Watching her slowly break to pieces
The only thing keeping her together
Were her thin calloused arms
Clasped tightly around her heaving chest
I couldn't bear it anymore

I love you...
I blurted out hastily
Before the significance of what I said could settle in
But I couldn't take them back
The words now stood between us
Floating in the silence of my confession
Her eyes widened and bloodshot
Arms wrapped tightly around herself
Hair left in a messy half tied bun

She sat just an arms distance away
And all I could was see beauty
In those runny kajal lined eyes
Coloured a warm shade of brown

I love you I specified once more
Her stumped silence more annoying now
But better, much better
Than one filled with her tears

I've loved everything about you I explain
More for my own sake than hers
For my mind could barely process such a confession

I love the way you dance to the corniest of songs
When you think no one can see you
I love how you spend an hour just figuring out makeup
Only to walk out with just lip balm gracing your face
I love how you try to dress ****
But would rather get married in a pair of boxers
I love how you're a ******* geek
But still can't resist an episode of Greys Anatomy

I love the contradiction you are
As changeable as the winds
But always steadfast when I need you
I love that awkward smile
I love that messy bun
I love those over sized t-shirts
I love that sarcastic mouth

You are not as weak as you believe
Your scars are what I love most
And how you show them off with pride to the world
Your imperfections make you perfect
And your...

Before I finished this sudden display of verbosity
She kissed me
Wrapping herself around me completely
For our imperfections we loved
And no person would make us erase our proud battle scars of life.

I walk the streets proudly
my head held high
These marks that startle people
are my battle scars
Fighting the existent ideas
of false beauty
All the teen years of my life.

Logic dictates his soul
love has always ruled mine..

Sitting beside each other
singing tales of our misfortune
wondering what life's chef
would cook up
a new disaster to be
served piping hot
with a side of irrelevance
that only one
who has eaten knows
its bitter taste

With the passage of time, things change
Nothing remains the same
People change.
We all do. It's a constant process
of evolution, of life

No one person stays
forever in your life
There are billions
of other souls out there
waiting, hoping, desperatedly
searching for a connection

I was lucky enough
to forge one with you
These bonds remain, Even
if those who forged them
move on.

I will never stop caring
or loving
No one person can extinguish
that part of me.

I thank you profusely,
For the stories,
The memories,
The love.

I leave you a better woman
in the making.
A constant work in progress
One filled with love
nonetheless.

After all was said and done
He wrapped himself around me
In a tightly formed question mark
The answer to which I yet do not know

I spent the night tossing in confusion
His midnight kisses further puzzling my thoughts
A random hookup wasn't this to be?

No feelings
No attachments
No anything
Wasn't that the unsaid plan?

Then why did I feel this growing fondness
For a boy I barely knew
Whose one and only connection to me
Were the stupid investments our fathers had made

Why did I want to hold him back?
Kiss his cheeks with the same gentleness he showed me
When the plan was always a physical one?


This monthly ritual of his I succumbed to
My mind overthrown by multiple questions
While my body gave to him every part of me I could

Until on a lonely Friday my eyes opened
The metaphors I had discovered
Now lay dead around me
The reality lying startlingly naked ahead of me

It was not care that brought him close
It was not any symbol of love he saw

A woman's body is all he acknowledged
My soul never receiving the gratification it dreamed for
There were no metaphors to this story
No hidden secrets waiting to be discovered

Just a girl who hoped for more
Settling for a boy couldn't ever see more
Than her naked waist
The tickle of moving hair
The flutter of her lips in ecstasy
The sigh in her heart as he moved away

I think it's beautiful
The way your hands are sturdy and calloused
Not the gentle softness illustrators are known for
These hands have felt real art
Built from the ground up
Days of mixing, moulding and texturing
Breathing life into deathly white parchments

I think it's beautiful
The way your arms are slender yet firm
Dusky brown skin holding rippling strong muscles
Strengthened slowly
through years of bullying and soul searching
Their unsymmetrical realness known not
For their harshness
But for the gentle notes they strum
Weaving elegantly with the quiet moving pictures on screens

I think it's beautiful
The way your shoulders always stand strong
A declaration demanding the eyes of every being in sight
Their angled rigidity know to be surprisingly nimble
An immovable pillar for the melting of your body
A constant transformation into unknown characters

The hidden bumps of tired hands
The rough ridges of calloused skin
The angled sharpness of chiseled bones
Hidden works of art
Flitting secretively under the armor you wear
The priviledge of their appearance
But a few can bear

Chaos is the weather of the day
raging its fury and madness on all beings

Every drop of sanity left is far more precious
than the diamonds we craved
reducing mountains to rumble in our greed

Standing by a hidden window
I witness the drops of sanity
slowly being swallowed by chaos' infinite army

Fear runs freely through my veins
gathering followers in each cell it passes

My trembling fingers can barely hold onto the curtains
that hide me from chaos' dark forces

Its too cold to even try to sweat out
all the confusion and fear that runs freely inside me

My feet once planted firmly on the ground
now slowly turn to liquid
melting my resolve to keep fighting

Just 20 feet up a dark forgotten building we hide.
The last few drops of sanity left
in a ferocious universe of death and decay
Our number is slowly dwindling too

I feel my mind losing its control
over any stray hope or might left within to survive

But then,
Hope quietly walks in
wrapping his arms like thick steel bands of resolve
strengthening my feet
and burning away the fear with its warmth

Hope pulls me towards his warm beating chest
chasing away the icy breath of fear
that took hold of my weak body

Hope slowly walks us back
to the lone camp bed
whispering words which fall
like soothing waterfalls
drowning my soul

Hope looks me in the eye
shooting all his strength into me
inflating my body with his resolve

Hope sits beside me through the
shrieks and cries of sanity being wiped out
protecting me from sanity's doomed fate

Like a warm ray of sunlight
Hope stands tall
keeping the final dregs of sanity aflame
giving just the warmth and strength needed to survive

Day by day I watch with rapt curiosity as
Hope plans our final escape
to paradise or hell all depends
on luck

But with Hope by my side
I need not company of chance and luck
who are strangers to my being

In you I believe
In you rests all my faith
and should we all be turned in tomorrow's rising sun
I shall be glad to have been wiped away
with Hope by my side.

Words typed in a haste excitement
Ignorant to the woman on the other side
Ideas attacking her feed
Uncaring of the broken pieces of her soul

Facebook pinging like a shrill cuckoo bird
Reality crashing like fallen jenga pieces

Instagram popping with pretentious new pictures
Eyes shutting the painful past memories

Twitter tweeting like a babe  hungry for milk
Body twitching to the tune of ancient whistles

The virtual screaming all day of accomplishments, love and money
The self turning to final dust at the turn of this technological century

There she stood
Hidden in the shadow of head banging bodies
Fist up to the gods of metallic brilliance
Moving to the twang of the guitar string

*The girl in the pink dress always had a taste for metal

Would you love me if  my skin was beautiful
a perfect porcelain
without scars marring my skin?

Would you love me if i had full lips
the delicate kind
that kissed roses everday?

Would you love me if i had a straight nose
a feminine one
that looked perfect from every angle?

Would you love me if i had doe shaped eyes
an innocent pair
that showed my inner purity?

Would you love me if i had an unbroken heart
like those of newborns
trusting and joyful every passing second?

Would you love me if i had a clean soul
white as the first fall of snow
never to have known of darkness and unimagninable hurts?

Would you love me if i had a muscial laughter
like gentle gurgles of a stream
never a note out of place in its symphony?

Would you love me if i spoke in soft tones
never to utter a curse
with diplomacy ruling my tongue?

Would you love me if i was this check list
of what others considered beauty
seemingly the ideal whose hand a task to win?

If you could love me as this
erase meat once from the chambers of your mind
leave no trace of my presence visible
i would be sure to disappoint your wishes and dreams
you held on high pedestals

For i am riddled with battlescars
and my words would only voice my honest opinions
my body breaking the mould of ideal perfection
my heart a shattered vase taped together
my soul steeped in darkness yet riddled with wells of dreams

If you could love my imperfections
If you could love my soul
then you and i could possibly be together
as imperfection but never alone.

We ran across streams of moonlight
Racing each other in a childlike excitement
Mine stemming from the newness of this
Yours from the injected high you gave yourself

Through the woods, we raced
The moon playing hide and seek with our eyes
With every step, we learned more
Lacing words together you gifted them to me

We stopped just short of the deeper end
Stepping into a shimmering pool of moonlit rays
Clearing our minds of doubts and inhibitions
You stepped forward and offered me your hand

Your fingers hung in front of me
A hopeful promise of something…. More?
But I took a sudden step backward
The claws of my dark past holding me firm

You pulled me in though with determination
Letting your lips rest against mine in hope for a change
But with controlled fingers, I pushed you back
A smile gracing yourself as you let me go

“I will wait” you promised
Unknowingly binding your soul with mine
We walked back calmly now, more aware of everything
Arms linked and words shared while I struggled to still hold back

Next morning I woke up in a hasty excitement
Last nights hesitancies left behind in my dreams
Walking up to breakfast trembling in a crazed nervousness
Yet once again, fear seized me and I stayed away

This dance continued, endlessly
One reaching out to the other desperately
Searching for a reminder of that moonlight run
Sighing in regret at our human insecurities

Tired of the worlds of confusion we brought alive
We stepped away, never giving hope to a dream
One we both once dreamt in unison
Tracing it across eachothers' arms with starry promises

It was too late we reasoned
The world after all, didn’t give second chances to such wishes
Shooting stars avoided us as a sign of our failure
So we scrubbed away the burning fires we had once traced

Now, we lay in the arms of others
Looking up at plain ceilings in search of our lost stars
Wondering the dreaded ‘What Ifs?’
Sleeplessly racing back to our dreamy havens of you and me

So close but barely meeting as we stumbled through life
Holding close harsh rocks that couldn’t compare to our burning stars
Forging forward in a crazed determination to forget
Only at moonlight looking up to secretly whisper unheard confessions

A gentle whistle of letters let flow
Ignored by the trillions of slumbering bodies
Only eavesdropped upon by the creak of sneering branches
But lapped up by the moon in an endless waiting of..

I fell in love with the possibility of us
I fell not for your charming imperfections
I fell not for your 60s voice
I fell for what we could have been

Gift me books
Filled with stories of far away lands
Words of poetry overflowing in love

Gift me books
Anonymous letters of confession
Mythical tales of African tribes

Gift me books
Blank new borns
Filled to the spine with memories and dreams

Gift me books to fall in love with
Books to time travel into
Books to escape responsible madness
Books to share with my bros

Pages and pages filled with fascinating, inspiring, emotional simple words
Gift me a book
So we can share our worlds to form galaxies
Of trust. Hope. And love.

You know what's harder than falling for the bad guy?
Falling for the others
The seemingly nice ones
The good guys

The signs are all there afterall,
Everyone can't stop raving about how wonderful he is
The ideal nice guy

And for a moment
Just one moment of blindsidedness
You believe it
You let it consume you
Revelling in the positives
Lacing together each moment spent together
Into a beautiful story

The perfect beginning, middle and end
Designed intricately by yours truly
A potential work of art
Destined for greatness perhaps
Isn't it?

The pride of your masterpiece
destroys you
Engulfing your sense of reality
Blinding you from the truth
The falsehood of it
A piece that depicts nothing
Nothing but an illusion
Another dimensional reality
One you don't  live in
And probably never will

And sometimes
In those rare moments of silence
It comes back
The crushing harsh reality
Your foolhardy choices laid bare
And you admit
Quietly to yourself
For who else can your true self be revealed to?

Maybe
Just maybe you were wrong
Those masterful strokes of perfection
The gleaming knighthood of it all
Just a lie?

A veil drawn over your sense of truth
So strong it blinded you
Completely
Drowning you in its falsehoods
The shores of reality no more than a distant memory

You know what's worse than falling for the bad guy?
Falling for the right one.

She sits in the corner
Laptop splayed open
Searching
Searching for reasons to live
Maybe someone to love
A moment to smile for

Going through latest social trends
Sifting among piles of plastic smiles
And bright blue hash tags
Desperately looking for something
Someone genuine
A quote perhaps to believe in
A link on happiness maybe
To follow

All she receives though
Is disappointment
Immersed in a world obsessed
With shallowness
She realizes that all she needs
Everything she searches for
Is right here
Inside her soul it resides
The will, the strength, the love to survive.

Sometimes I wonder
if I really mattered to you
Sometimes I wonder
if you even cared
Or was I just a pretty flower
brought to make you smile
One you never took care of
walking away from me as I cried

his lips met mine in a hasty inconsideration
as he moved on from me
energy coursing through his veins
a destiny long foretold
waiting for him to fulfill it

his arms sought me out
against the infinite possibilities keeping us apart
tracing to memory every insignificant curve
a final wordless farewell
as the impatient future ****** him in

his body felt so close to me
a mere inches away in my mind
as i watched from afar
the cosmic powers lending their blessings
as he walked down that lonely path
fulfilling the promises of ancient men

without a backward turn he left
leaving behind his broken human heart
a small sacrifice he believed
to save the millions
who had long since awaited his return

only one remained conscious
of the humanity that still lived within him
disregarding the divine claims of foolish wise men
she watched in a trance like horror

the humanity within expelled viciously
his energy expanded bursting into a powerful flame of terrifying beauty
and in a flash nothing remained
the destiny had been fulfilled
a prophecy finally complete

yet as the world rejoiced wildly
a new found existence to celebrate
only one remained quiet
shuddering sobs slowly giving way
to a deathly silence that lasted unendingly

she closed her eyes from the evil sights
of selfish men rejoicing
and thought of the one who had brought them salvation
whose selfless love revived them
but more so
she remembered the boy she loved
who now was forgotten by human existence
save her soul
whose vow to always remember remained true
to the last breaths of her body

and further still
as her soul left the wretched existence
with a renewed strength
to search forever the ends of the universe
for the lost beloved soul
of the chosen boy

I knew exactly who my husband was going to be
In 6th grade
Daniel Radcliffe star of harry potter
Heart throb of all tweens
We definitely were destined
He was my first true love
One I prayed for every day

Yet as I grew up
Puberty changed things
Love changed
He was now skinnier
Indian
And got beat up a lot
Love needed my protection against bullies
But could always blow my mind with new music
Love wasn't the smooth talker his brother was
And was too shy to hold my hand
But made a permanent seat for me in his soul
Board exams ended and love left me

Only to surprise me once again
Love was fairer now
More childish than before
Love's hair was shinier than my own
And knew none of my 80s songs
Love taught me to doodle
And found pleasure in small pranks
Love never took anything seriously
And always had time to show off

With another round of board exams
I deserted love this time
The pain of being the other one
Far to great to bear
Far greater to forgive

Soon enough it was time for college
As I walked into class full of nervous excitement
There sat love on the first bench
The newest version
A skeleton of the past
Filled with new words and strokes as cover
Love was more different now
Quieter than before
Preferring the company of nature than those he ****** called his own
Love was sweet and thoughtful
But could never open up his heart
Love knew where this was going
But ran away from it in fear

And so love stayed away
For almost two years
Lust slowly tried to take its place
Stealing bits I only saved for love
But I banished it away
Its dark presence my once insecure heart no longer needed

And finally
Just like that
Love stepped in once again
In an avatar I'd never seen before
I almost didn't recognise love
As it stood before me
Scars and happy memories mixed in his tears of insecurity
Love wasn't strong enough
And always needed my assurance and trust
Love was the smartest man I knew
Whose loved verbal bouts dripped in sarcasm
Yet love managed to save my soul
From the depths of dark evil
Pulling me out ****** into the sunlight where we lay naked
Healing our broken pasts
Love contradicted me in every way
His emotions and affections a conflicting paradox I couldn't untangle
But in the end love, could not handle emotions
Love walked away dumping all his promises into the sea with the remains of our friendship

And I realised
I did not know what love truly was
It came and went in so many different forms
Never the same
Never the boring
It walked in the door arms filled with happiness and possibilities
And walked back out soon enough
Leaving a cold silence behind

Love is a contradiction
Of everything we believe in
Remoulding our perspectives
Like a soft ball of clay
It breaks and rebuilds us
With every fated visit
Destroying and creating newer versions
Of ourselves
Stronger versions of ourselves

Maybe this is what love was destined to be
A teacher for our souls
A soothing balm for our wounds
A definite spark to our courage
And an infinite universe for our imagination

If given the chance
I'd kiss you for every emotion you feel. The joy of sailing that shines through your heart.
The fear of failing which shadows your lids.
The hope of winning those titles of greatness.
The need of shinning in the darkness of dull moments.
I'd kiss you for the joy
I'd kiss you for the sadness
I'd kiss you for every emotion
And do so with gladness.

A red-headed sprite
With a deep love for all things music

I offered 2 years to the gods of brand communication
Only to discover a passion to question everything

Springing into the world of harsh advertising
I still retain my love for ambiguous alliterations

Paired with a glass of single malt whiskey and some Chinese takeout
I’m excited for this new journey into the Universe of Planners

When we're together
It's like escaping to a magical land
Locked in a stuffy room
Our desires reigned recklessly free
Keeping away the harsh realities of our lives
Passionately intertwined as one
In each others own madness

Your fingers are minx like
Dancing across the fretboard with thoughtless grace
Strumming your thoughts through our kisses
With a sharp twinkle in those quiet brown eyes
Every song feels like reliving an old memory
One you plucked fresh from my soul

I love the way cigarettes rest on your lips
A classic addition some would say
But in it I see the self made man you are
The way your fingers elegantly roll tobacco
Baffles my clumsy mind

Could a mortal be so beautifully designed?

And I love you
Everyday
Even when the floods wash away humanity
I will love you
When the air turns poisonous and steals it from our lungs
You will still take away my breath
When the grounds open up and eat all the vanity we created
Your beauty will shine bright as the only thing that ever mattered
When the cruel fires turn to ash all emotion and care
Your touch will reignite my own unwavering love for you
When darkness will turn out the individuality of our souls
Yours will break apart and merge with my own
Pumping back the memories I almost forgot
I love you till the end of time
And till the universe rips itself apart
I love you when new life slowly sparks up
Atoms joining in a billion year pilgrimage
Till we finally find our bodies and reattach our souls
Strengthen the bond
And our love will  revive the unbroken promise
And live on infinitely

They say if its meant to be it will happen
Though time and distance pulls us away
Stretching these bonds tighter than before
We'd always come back to eachother
In one way or another
Though time may change us
New battle scars adorn us
Different loves leave us
This bond will remain
Strengthened not with iron and cement
But with an unending care
With an unmoving love
With a burning passion
This bond will remain

"I can't relate to the people in my class"
"I've liked him for a long time"
'Why doesn't he love me?"
"He kissed me you know? On new years"
"I'm so glad you're my friend"
'Who needs boys when you can have bros for life?"
"You guys are my best friends"
"Im so glad you like him"
"When can I meet him?"
"Can I do the Penelope Cruz dance in front of him?"
"I heard what happened at the party"
"How could you be so selfish"
"I'm never getting the guy I like to meet you"
"You're such a *****"
"I'm so much hotter than you"
"We will always be bros"
"Don't worry you will find someone better"
"I'm so happy you like him!"
"He sounds wonderful"
"I met him on tinder!"
'He's so cool"
"Can I please meet him?"
"I really like him"
"You're okay right?"
"I told him you're my best friend and I could never hurt you"
"I'm in an open relationship with that other guy"
"I hope it doesn't affect mine and his relationship"
"We made out that day"
"He said I was the best he ever had"
"He isn't talking to me too"
"I don't care there are better fish out there"
"I knew you liked him alot"
"I was selfish"
"I didn't care"
"I was fascinated by him"
"I'm sorry"
"I'll never do it again"
"Why won't you answer my calls"
"You're humiliating me"
"You have no right to judge me"
"You're the last person who should have a problem with this"
"Stop making this an issue"
"I never judged you"
"I did nothing wrong"
"I don't care what you think"
"Please talk to me"

Love?
Its a belief for the strong willed
Whose hearts are reinforced with steel
But attached with windows nonetheless
Large ones
To let them in
The ones that truly matter

But for us?
It is not love that awaits
It is not possible ever afters that lie in our destiny


At least
That's what they tell us
The brave ones
The believers

We are not destined for love they say
Too broken to be gifted eternal love
To weak to choose the right one

But maybe
Just maybe they could be mistaken
Just maybe they figured us wrong

Because we do feel love
We drown in it every single day
It may not be the purest kind
But it still is love

We give up everything for it
Our bodies
Our minds
Our souls
Just for that one love

Our love is not perfect
It never was
Always tainted by desire and lust
Filled with passion and dreams
Breaking and fixing us constantly

The believers mock us
Ridiculing our love
If it is not pure it is not real they jeer

But they are mistaken
Terribly so
the truth is we can love
Probably with more strength than they

Maybe that's why they hate us
Maybe that's why they bring us down

We can love
And we will
For the rest of time
Always and forever

Many would remember me by the friends I kept
their laughs and snorts always evident
Others would remember me by the friends I lost
their ignorance and awkwardness not so innocent

Many would remember me by my absolute silence in sessions
Others would remember me by those one on ones with my animated expressions

Many would remember me by the scars of suffering I bore
Others would remember me by that awkward smile I always wore

Many would remember me by the quiet calm nature I portrayed
Others would remember me by my sarcasm and the weird humour I displayed

Many would remember me as an artist of mediocrity
Others would remember me as an artist of simple originality

But if I ever had a say
At the end of all things

All I'd ever ask you is to
Remember me pray only as an artist
As one who looked beyond the lectures of boredom
As a person who was lost in the beauty of words
As a girl who fell in love with colours and emotions
Remember me always as a lover
of words and art
But most of all
of life

I am not perfect
Far from it
I am perhaps the very definition
Of what perfection is not
From the scars on my cheeks
To the tremble in my thin arms

I am not perfect
Far from it
My lips tremble in fear
Of the honest words that tumble without thought
My soul flutters in insecurity
Knowing someday you too will leave

I am not perfect
Far from it
My past stronger than ever
With its iron grip on my reality
My senses numbed by past conflicts
Questioning the motives of the true

I am not perfect
Far from it
I am perhaps the very definition
Of what perfection is not
But my heart loves truly and tells the truth
That every other part of me so vehemently denies

Will I ever be strong enough to not cry?
Why does this foolish heart of mine forgive so easily?
Why can't I just stew in my hate for them?
Wouldn't it be easier that way?
Wouldn't hate reduce every opportunity they get to hurt me?
How can I still love them?
Even after every cruel word and blow they dish out?
Would being an orphan have been any different?
How can you miss that which you never had?
Wouldn't my heart be guarded from the betrayal of my own blood?
What did I ever do to be treated in such hurtful ways?

But a mother is supposed to love and support their child no matter what, Isn't she??
Why doesn't mine be there for me??
Does she not love me??

One year later
Staring at past scribbles
I wonder
Do you remember our memories?
The old cruel words and actions thrown recklessly
A product of our youthful insecurities
That pushed us away
Almost an eternity it felt

One year later
I sit down to continue
A story I penned for us
An idea or perhaps a hope
Drawing up a new future for us both
One where we didn’t have to remain apart
One where life pushed our souls back together

One year later
I realize with a certain vague sadness
Those words penned down
In old ink pens were not for glory
Or written with an aim at success
Rather a tribute to us
An innocent girl’s wish I guess
To create a reality with you in it

One year later
Things are much more complex than they ever were
We’re back together, in a way
Not how my meticulous mind had wished it to be
Not how I had ever thought we could end up
We’re back but still apart
With a crashing sense of clear reality
I realize
What was could never be again

One year later
It is a bitter sweet remembrance
New words penned down
About the same old wild beings
Into the adult world we tumbled in
New memories and decisions undertaken
Discovering new facets to life
We grow again

One year later
I still love you
And your affections remain the same
Moving forward on uncertain paths
Still apart
But in a way,
Always together

This is wrong I whisper
And you agree
Yet your hands refuse to move away
Remaining firmly on my sensitive waist
My face a mere inch from yours
Breathing in the same heavy air

We remain still
Connected by our heat
Held in position by those arms
As we gently begin to move
A graceful pace at first
Every movement sending ripples
Scurrying down my back
As I fail to stifle my groans

You gently whisper
That I'm your best friend
''We should stop'' is all I shoot back
And you nod in reluctant agreement
But our movement never ceases
The pace just increases
The rustle of clothes more defined

I pull away in guilt
Our laboured breathing filling in
The silence of unease
''This is wrong''
I mutter again
More to myself than to you
Angered by my own lack of restraint
''So why can't we stop?'' You reply
Piercing me with those eyes
Even in such a pitch black darkness

Your fingernails graze my skin
Ever so softly
And once again we begin
This slow dance of desire
Neither of us able to rein in
These disastrous feelings
Slowly your fingers begin their journey
A new one down south
All I pray is to forget sanity
To defy reality
And just feel
Every movement
Every motion
Every emotion

Yet once again we pull away
With more determination this time
Frustration gracing our bruised lips
Struggling to gather up
The scattered pieces of our conviction
We finally settle down to sleep

Just sleep
We reason
Sharing one flimsy sheet of cotton
Our skin brushing against each other
Ever so softly
As we hope to loose consciousness
Your arms encircling my waist
Possessively so
Your nose nuzzling into my sensitive skin

I turn my face to yours
A good night resting on my lips
You lean in and kiss me
And suddenly I'm on fire
Your hands moving everywhere
Burning trails into my skin
Our heat mashing against each other
Your teeth biting away my resolve
All I can do is pull you in closer
Feel every arc of your body
And give in
To our actions

And when our movements finally cease
Fatigue settling in our bones
You pick me up and hug me tight
Kissing my neck gently
''You're my best friend'' you whisper again
And I smile in tired relief
Falling asleep easily
Encircled in your comfort
With a final whiff of your scent
As I drift off into the darkness alone.

Life right now for me is
like a raging sandstorm
every word
every moment
every experience
is billowing past me in a frenzy
nipping cuts on my tender skin
strong reminders of a nearing end
when age old ties start to loosen
when battleworn relations start to crack
everything seems to pale
to the dark void looming in so near

I miss all those days we spent together
i miss the way we spent all night watching old movies i never heard of
i miss the next mornings when i had to poke you awake
i miss the way you snored completely ignoring me
i miss the days we spent drinking beers at our new york
i miss ignoring your incessant ramblings about everything
i miss the way you always annoyed me till i blew up
i miss the way i childishly cussed at you while you laughed on
i miss the way you gently wiped my tears and listen to my problems
i miss our plans for surviving possible zombie apocalypses
i miss your chivalrous gentleman self glaring at pervs on the street
i miss the terribly offensive jokes you cracked that never were that funny
i miss the way those same jokes somehow crept in and made me smile
i miss the way you turned me from an old monk to a beer lover
i miss the plots we created to destroy our tormentors
i miss how you always knew more than i did but never considered me stupid
i miss how you always try to take in my criticism but refused to accept it
i miss how you believed in my artwork and never let me forget it
i miss how you talked like an absolute child about your latest femme escapades
i miss how you always pretended that you don't care but remembered every small detail i mentioned
i miss the way you accepted all of me without a spot of hesitation
i miss looking into those intense eyes of yours in wonder at the boy you were
i miss creeping you out by getting extremely close and laughing at your expressions
i miss sleeping uncomfortably beside you as you roll around in rem sleep
i miss you tucking me in when the pressures of the world were too much for me to dream
i miss dreaming about our futures making wild plans about brands we wish to own
i miss getting completely hammered with you and being so publicly weird
i miss your complete honesty no matter how much it hurt
i miss softly kissing your forehead as i put you to bed after our drunken adventure
i miss everything you used to be
but most of all
i miss the way you hugged me
holding on tighter when i tried to pull back
subtly sealing your promise to always be around
i miss you boy
more than you can ever know.

We are just a blur
of emotions, feelings and art.
We don't walk but float
from place to place.
Drifting in our own little bubble of
memories and stories.

She walked in with hesitant confidence
This date the first she tried
Starting out with a simple hug
Pretentious coffees and books to keep their company

The next time they sat in a wondering silence
Speeding through cities for that perfect drink
Disappointing ambiences ruining conversations
But leading to intense cab rides filled with drunken touches

She planned out their next meeting
Hours spent scrubbing to perfection
While moving screens held their gaze
Their heated thoughts were finally let loose

She was never a follower of convention
Societal rules an enemy she despised
But for him she'd try the travelled route
Letting herself flow with society

Though a relation designed in commonality
She saw him as something way more
His smiles making her heart beat faster
His touches  enticing her soul to want more

This journey is one shes willfully chosen
Perhaps this once not needing to be no. 1
For he brings out forgotten dusty emotions
And perhaps a possibility of real soulhood

Every morning she left the bed warm
The nightmares of her loss bled into the sheets
A ritual she endured every night
My soothing words too little help
The demons proved to be too strong
Those of regret always were
Not even my voice could chase them away
My fingers failing to awaken her
From this nightmare she lived in

She was a woman of unimaginable strength
A leader for the last dregs of us
The warrior meant t lead us all
To a place away from this nightmarish hell
One of extinction we were at the brink of

If only it made a difference
Her gift could only protect her so far
Her mind roamed free from its clutches
Endangering her very existence into the depths of madness
The 3 AM demons couldn’t be kept away
Years of training now failed me
And her too

I hope someday
One day she saves herself
Because none of us can

I loved you for every reason one shouldn’t fall in love.

Every word, every action you lashed out forced my heart to long for you even more.

It never was a conventional love filled with dreams and hopes for a better tomorrow.

Rather it was a love of the fallen clinging desperately onto the failed perception of him.

Days and weeks whooshed by in a storm stinging my skin with subtle reminders of your betrayal.

Yet I clung onto a moment of the past and loved you even more.

Brutal words raining down like piercing knives made no difference.

The mistakes, the faults, the cruelty; I loved these more than the possible beauty you could have been.

This never was a love of lovers set to last an eternity.

It was a pained love meant to cease one way or another.

This love of madness and stupidity would soon leave this tortured body.

Leaving it cleansed and pure of all the pain it caused.

It was and always would be a selfish love never meant to be returned.

Just meant to heal and strengthen the once wrecked soul.

And if by a sick twist of fate you could turn around and love me, you would have to let go.

I’d kiss you chastely on those childlike lips that have felt countless many and walk away.

You would finally be whole with the knowledge that that mess of feelings and actions had a purpose.

Walking down your own set path as I on mine you would smile at the glimmering hope of a future of honest love promised to you.

When you are sitting all alone in
the dark with a broken heart,
You Matter.

When you are ignored by the cool
kids in class for your weirdness,
You Matter.

When you sing songs of love which
fall on deaf ears,
You Matter.

When you are made fun of by those
who see to have it all,
You Matter.

When every single thing in your life
is messed up,
You Matter.

You matter to someone,
You matter to me.

He brought out the worst in me
Cruel actions and words his weapons
Ones he kept well oiled for use
Every syllable spoken in perfection
Hitting the bullseye of my patience
Bursting out a fury I long kept hidden
With a marksmen’s skills he teased out
Anger overcrowding my being like rain clouds
Bringing heavy showers of unrealistic vows
A wild gust of cruel decisions sweeping sanity away
He welcomed this flood with manic laughter

He brought out the worst in me
But
I still loved his soul
Though how cruel and selfish it truly was
Blinded by ancient kind actions
I skipped over the puddles of each storm
Hopping towards our reconciliation island
Hoping always for the sun to break out
Foolishly falling for the momentary calm
Putting the rest the rage and reality
Losing my fingers in the cords of us
Reattaching the damaged strings of trust
Dreaming of an ideality…..Us
But the truth broke in easily

In the finality of us
All that remained was nothing
An infinite of emptiness to run away from
Before it’s long tentacles pulled me in
Grief slithering into my heart
Taking full control of a shattered soul
A breathing living body
Now turned into a shell of nothingness
With sharp fingers I cut out the dead
Letting the ****** mess taint me
Until I let go with a sigh

Dusting away my disappointment
I got up
And walked away

I almost kissed your friend that night
As the warm night crept on
Hazy music being grooved to
Long limbs entranced in the rhythm
His encouraging smile amused me
Those uncoordinated moves encouraged me
We let loose our wild side for all to see
No insecurities holding us back
And when you strayed away to unknown company
I wondered vaguely
Of the possibility of him
That drunken smile a fascinating attraction
But as the final seconds of the year strained by
It was in your arms I stood
Your warm face my fingers touched
Your lips my own kissed

A pause of hesitance ignored by you
As a fleeting thought of my new attraction
Raced by
But in the end
It was to you I went
For it is you that I held the possibility of hope
And maybe a spark of love