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Mary Alexander Oct 2015
What is love?
Such an overused word.
I'd never thought I'd feel it.
That idea was absurd.
And then I met you
I knew that one thing was plain.
That love isn't just one thing.
And it's a wonderful thing to have gained.
I thought it would be worthless.
Simply and utterly untrue.
But now I've found it in you, friend
I feel the joy when you do.
Of course it's not all perfect.
Like when I can feel your pain.
But to me, it's always worth it.
And I'll never be the same.
I was proved wrong about almost everything.
Mary Alexander Feb 2016
Often ignored
Are the soft cries
Of those taken advantage of.
It hurts so badly
III
Mary Alexander Feb 2017
III
Wilting voices
Are calling to the stars.
Am I the only one who hears?
Mary Alexander Oct 2015
Hey little buddy,
Get ready to listen up.
I'm about to tell you what's true.
And it might get a bit rough.
She's gone through too much.
Too much to take one more.
But you left her and said, good luck!
So I'm here to tell you the deal.
You touch her heart one more time.
And I'll make you feel
The pain that I once knew
The only kind
I've come accustomed to.
The pain of letting go
And watching some one leave you behind.
I'm sorry, I had to say that.
I just couldn't remain "kind".
Mary Alexander Oct 2015
I loved you.
In the truest way.
I still love you.
Though I'm about to go away.
I don't want to.
But I'm too scared.
I could have told you.
But I never would have dared.
Yay life
Mary Alexander May 2016
Are you insane like me?
Do you dream in vivid color, and walk on roads of ice?
Do you live in a mind,
Where nothing conventional would suffice?
Are you insane like me?
Can you hyper focus on a certain pair of eyes?
But only those eyes.
Are you chased by visions of legends and ghosts of loves that will never exist?
Are you insane like me?
With the heart of a lion, and a soul filled with fire,
But still somehow cold as stone with a mind hard as iron?
Unbending.
Are you insane like me?
Do you walk at a different speed than those around you?
Always aware of the chilling fact that your pace is too fast?
Yet aware that the speed isn't caused your physical body,
But more by your soul and the codes hidden in your strangely mystical DNA?
Are you insane like me?
Can you trace patterns in the air with your fingertips?
Can you zoom in and out with your senses?
Can you lose control of your daydreams
And forget of the one who is trying to reach your mind?
Are you insane like me?
And fully aware that a mind like yours is something that cannot be understood or reached?
If so, can I ask you something?

Do you feel alone like me?
Mary Alexander Oct 2014
I feel the need to go away
to run.
You're unstable.
instability is dangerous.
I want to draw away.
Let you find that peace.
That peace that comes when you stand alone
staring deep
into the eyes of the open sky.
The peace that comes
when you close your eyes and free your mind
from all the worries and pain.
That stupid pain that keeps you from being good.
Mary Alexander Feb 2016
When the world is too harsh
And cold and just dark.
When it feels like a stain
On your already burdened heart,
When your life feels so empty
And your dreams have all gone,
When you feel all alone,
With nothing left to lean on,
Don't forget about me
And my love, strong and pure.
I promise to hold you,
At peace, but aware.
Aware of your pain
And sorrow and strife.
And you won't forget
About my love in your life.
Love you for always
Mary Alexander Oct 2015
You think love is a game.
That another persons heart is an experiment.
And though I love you,
I can't watch you dance in circles.
This awkard, hurtful
Relationship without a purpose.
I could give wisdom
Help, advice,or comfort.
But I'm too angry to speak.
To angry to put in much effort.
Yayyyy
Mary Alexander Jan 2016
Every now and then,
A person will burst into your life.
And every now and then,
You'll hope with all your heart,
That they'll walk out just as quickly
As they came.
Leave me alone, person
Mary Alexander Feb 2016
96
     97
         98
             99
Counting to one hundred where
My heart will be just fine.
Mary Alexander Mar 2017
I could spend days
Months, years,
Trying to figure out
What to say
To you.
But you see,
No amount
Of time
Will help me
To decide
What this feeling is.
It's a mess. An amazing, beautiful mess.
Mary Alexander Apr 2016
No, I don't want to leave you.
I never want to leave you.
But I want to leave this.
Because I don't know what it is anymore.
Mary Alexander Sep 2015
Don't be so afraid.
Don't feel so alone.
Because look, see what we made?
We made our own hearts' home.

We found it in each other.
The love , the trust, and peace.
This joy is like no other,
And will tame our dark minds' beast.

So lease just let it go.
Let your heart be free.
I've made it clear, and no,
You're never going to lose me.
Just on my mind
Mary Alexander Oct 2016
I have a golden locket,
That hangs around my neck,
It's heavy as weighted stone,
And I'm a nervous wreck.
I keep it with me through each day,
And through the passing cold,
I keep it close, next to my heart,
Although it has grown old.
I have this ****** and rusted locket,
Filled with ash and pain,
I don't know why I wear it still,
Don't ask me to explain.
Mary Alexander Sep 2015
I looked into his eyes
And told him it would be okay.
I took his hand
And told him I'd lead the way.

He told me he was fine.
That he'd found what he needed.
But he started to fade away.
And though I held on as hard as I could,
His heart froze
Like an unsuspecting flower.

And I watched in horror
As the smile I had once  loved
Became empty and meaningless.
And people didn't notice.

And I saw him breaking.
Slowly
Like a back bearing too much weight.
And I tried to reach out.
To touch his hand again.
To try to warm it.

But the he wouldn't let me.
And I was forced to watch him freeze.
Mary Alexander Aug 2015
Here's a hint:
Don't fall into love.  
Whatever love it may be.
For you'll pause one day
You'll think to yourself
Why must this happen to me?
Mary Alexander Aug 2016
I was born Alice,
Falling down dark holes of confusion and grief,
Creating a small, glimmering world of my own.
A world which no one could see,
Which no one would want to see.
But a world in which I was content
To dwell alone. But not truly.
I was not comfortable.
I was restless. Hurting.
Chasing rabbits,
Unaware that they were always,
Always chasing something else.
And so I wandered and wondered
Alone.
Still blinking in a daze at the blinding world
That I'd surrounded myself with
Despite my loneliness.
But then I met a curious individual
Who unlike all the others,
Seemed to see the wonders I'd created,.
He was perfectly, undeniably Mad.
And I sprinted towards the familiar madness,
Stunned by the accidental speed,
As I only had time to blink twice before
The Mad Boy and I were skipping in circles,
Screaming flat, mixed notes,
And I had a child's grin on my face.
And then we were drinking a tea which filled us with delight,
Inducing cackling laughter as we
Stood by the rail of a glimmering bridge we'd created,
Pitching perfect, pristine teacups over the edge
While harvesting the chipped, stained ones,
Which we found more beautiful than the others.
Soon we were sprinting through a field of roses,
Accidentally trampling some
With his strange, glowing, purple and orange boots
And my weathered, black, out of character mary janes.
Sprinting faster, faster until
We reach a field of mismatched wildflowers.
And I have just enough time to share final glance
With my Mad Boy
Before I take my third blink.
Mary Alexander Jan 2017
But I never once gave up, because
I still had a few low lifes to prove wrong.
Mary Alexander Aug 2014
Beneath the starlight
        I stand in an open field.
Wind diving through the  raven strands of my hair
        As the moon shines upon my face.
The night is, so full of life,
         I look up at the stars
And down  to the path illuminated before me.
         I smile
         and run.
Sprinting through the field,
         I am dancing,
               Like a child.
Free in the light of the nighttime sun
I let out a burst of laughter.  
I feel as though I am flying,
    No.
                    I am dancing.  

I have left the field. Now I'm sprinting through the forest among the trees.
This feeling. Dancing with the night.
The open field. The stars. The moon. The trees.
I begin to slow my pace and find my way back to my open plain.
Where I collapse and gaze up at the stars with the purest happiness I've ever felt.
It's indescribable.
                    It's magic.
This obviously isn't my best work, but it's something that I wanted to share anyways :)
Mary Alexander Jul 2016
My generation is swarming
With new kinds of witches.
Some will be obvious,
Lurking and spitting, throwing
Daggers from the corners of every room.
But on occasion, one will be covert,
With sweet dresses and
Beautiful hair cascading down her shoulders.
Greeting those around her
With a charming smile and wide, bright eyes.
But she weaves a web of deciet and triffling words,
And as she speaks, she clouds your mind, speaking
In foreign tongues which are not
Of this true world, until you
Are caught unaware, for her spell has been cast.
You blink, confused, and look down at your hands,
Trying to ignore the impending sensation of insects
Creeping up your arms
Until you realize.
You realize that her spells are not those of darkness and horror,
They do not come in forms such as toads, dark clouds, or anguish.
Her power, her only power
Is that of one way time travel.
And when she casts her spell, her words take you back
To when you were simple, childish,
12 years of age.
Her words come out in flames,
Painful, cruel flames that scortch your heart,
You fight back, begging her to stop
And realize the pain she is inflicting,
Until you suddenly notice that the words are meaningless.
Words, painful words,
But from a child's mouth.
And you stare at her in horror when your past self
Flees your being while her's remains.
Her words, still shooting from her mouth, now
Small, plastic bullets from
A child's gun.
They sting your skin, but no longer scortch your heart.
She then flies away, charming smile back in place,
Leaving you swaying in utter shock, praying
That her next victim will posess your same
Awareness, and sense the truth behind the flames.
It's terrifying.
Mary Alexander Aug 2016
Missing you is reflected
In the instability of my bones.
I walk with a long stride but am interrupted by my knee
Sliding smoothly out of its socket,
Causing its usual functions to become impossible
As straightening my leg sends shooting pain through the entire limb.
Missing you is reflected in my lifetime insomnia.
Waking in a cold sweat at 3:00 am
After 2 weeks of successful, undisturbed sleep.
Waking in the early morning of the one day which requires every possible ounce of energy.

But ultimately, missing you
Is reflected in the anger I feel towards myself.
The anger that comes from knowing what is true
Right and just.
And yet, still imagining the "if only"s.
The impossible fantasies that are somehow still creeping back into my mind
Like children's hope for fat Nicholas.  
Ignoring the knowledge that I in was in love with an idea that
Never existed.
An idea that I still sometimes wish for.
And so I limp painfully along this road with tired, bloodshot eyes,
I am angry at myself for missing you,
Angry at you, though you'll never know nor care of these musings.
And though my ******, idiotic fantasies are not of your doing.
Or are they?
The ultimate question.
Are these emotions of your doing, did you do this intentionally?
Are you aware of what occurred and what is?
Are you aware of me?
Did you ever know me.
And did I ever know you.
Because that is what angers me the most.
I miss a person that I never knew,
Do not know,
And will never understand.
And the stupidity in that is beyond my comprehension.
I've always expected better of myself.
Mary Alexander Feb 2016
And now I finally understand
The horse
Whose heart exploded
In the middle of the race.
Mary Alexander Sep 2015
My heart is strong.
Because it has loved and failed.
Because it waited too long.
It's been bruised.
Beaten
And worn
Till it no longer cares.
He says it gets better.
Those three words,
The words I am tired of hearing.
My heart starts to heal,
And it's better.
Till it gets beaten again.
And it's starting to harden.
Nothing can soften it.
Mary Alexander Aug 2016
The moment those words sparked from your fingertips,
My heart simultaneously
Broke into billions of pieces
At your hand, one last time,
And my mind was filled with an indifference
That I could no longer control.
An indifference that my heart
Had previously overpowered,
But you see, now that my heart is scattered.
Like the ashes of a withered ancient woman
Over the sea, it can no longer remind
My stubborn mind of
The past, and what could be the present.
It's a curious thing-
Feeling nothing. After four long weeks
Of feeling everything
Despite remaining silent for my
Intense emotions were worthless.
Worthless emotions, worthless if expressed
In any form.
Eyes, arms, song, words spoken or recorded.
Worthless.
The pain of this knowledge.
The pain of love that I did not want but
Could no longer control.
But now
As I weave these words together,
My fingers clicking away
Drifting to a place far from my body.
But now,
The shards of my heart, swarming through space,
Desperately in search for one another,
I feel nothing.
It's no longer in my hands
Mary Alexander Oct 2015
It's going to end,
I keep telling myself.
There's nothing in me to defend.
So I'll keep my heart on a shelf.
But how lucky was I to know you.
I loved you a whole lot,
So that's one thing that's true.
But everything else?
I don't know, I'm not sure.
Because if you
No, WHEN you leave
I'll question whether your motives were pure.
Was I used again?
Do I trust too fast?
Because if that's really true,
Then that "friend" will be my last.
Idk if I'm making this up or not.
Mary Alexander Feb 2016
I dread the day,
The moment when
I take his hand.
And wish it was yours.
I have nightmares about
His kiss on my forehead,
My fake, plastered smile
Because of what's wrong.
Something forgotten, and lost, and replaced.  
And my guilt that I feel as
I remember.
How I let time slip
Through my fingers.
And I'll look up at his face,
Into his dear, kind eyes,
And my heart will scream.
Because my life will have become a song with a missing a verse.
All of the fear in the world
Mary Alexander Jul 2016
A thin, yet deadly electric shock
Weaves it's way through my rib cage
In a gentle,
Silent pattern towards my heart.
It's gentleness ceases the moment it hits it's target,
Causing a pain so sharp and persistent that
I am forced to collapse into an angry colored pit filled with confusion and never-ending words.
I blink as my eyes adjust to my ever-changing surroundings and
A brilliant green consumes my mind first,
Bringing a warm sense of safety and trust as my heart
Finds its beat again.
But soon it quickens as a visitor of ivory consumes my being,
And I squeeze my eyes shut against the past white-hot pain
Flashing in front of me before
It is overcome by a powerful red,
Causing tremors to travel in sparks
Up and down my vulnerable arms, and
There's anger, oh so much anger, and my eyes are burning and
I cannot breathe until my surroundings dissolve into
The purest of golds, and I am in a daze.
In pure wonder of what was, a faint smile creeps onto my lips
As I hear a soft, distant laughter, my own mischievous laughter,
That fills me with warmth.
And I shiver when my last visitor comes, envelopes me in
A beautiful deep violet storm of words
Past and present, confusing me and tangling themselves in my mind,
I whip my head around, searching for a way out of this pit
Only to find that there are no doors, there is no escape for me.
I succumb to the bewilderment and allow the violet mass to fully
Enter my mind, which was previously blocked off,
As I try to search my memories for one clue,
One sign to aid my feeble efforts of unraveling this tangled
Purple wire.
And nothing is there.
I am the ultimate mess. Wish me luck.
Mary Alexander Mar 2016
He was the shadow to my light.
There cannot be one without the other.
No matter how fast I ran to get away,
He was always present.
No matter how close I got,
I could never touch him.
And he could not touch me.
My brightness made him stronger,
But also more likely to slip away any second
Like the early morning fog.
His phantom heart was something I could try to understand, but never fully reach.
We were destined to be side by side,
But never together.
It's a mess.
Mary Alexander Oct 2015
I'm fine.  
I'm fine.
I'm fine, you say
You assume that I'm blind.
Then you say "go away."
But what would I do?
Sit there and stare?
Watching you whither
Like a far too young
Old man in a chair?
I don't think I could.
I don't think I should.
But if that's what you want dear,
I guess I could try.
But the more that I think
And the more that I cry,
I soon come to realize
I can't  watch you die.
Mary Alexander Jan 2017
My world is forgein shimmering lights.
Lights speeding over, around, through me
In a constant blur and
I stumble in attempt to follow.
My world is a sea of faces.
Smiling, laughing faces that
Quickly flicker and transform,
Twisiting in agony, and only I can see.
My world is a swarm of words.
Humanity's words invading my mind,
Coursing through my veins
And causing system failures in my mind.

Welcome.
Mary Alexander Jan 2016
Her hair is like the sun,
Lighting up the day.
Mine is like the midnight sky,
To which lost souls gaze in utter dismay.
Her eyes of gentle, calming blue,
And mine of piercing gold,
My simple, sad, repeating story
Is just now being told.
Every time, I understand.
I expect this dull feeling-
I don't stand a chance.
The girl with the fleeting
Look in her eyes,
With raven black hair,
And a deadly fire in her smile.
She's never the one,
The one to catch his eye.
And though it pained her deeply,
She learned, on her own, how to fly.
It's always been the same little tale for some reason.
No
Mary Alexander Sep 2015
No
Did this really just happen.
Did I understand what he said?
That simple "I love you" will ring in my ears forever.
Do I believe it?
Probably not.
Should I leap?
Should I trust him?
No.
Mary Alexander May 2016
When the rain is falling down and
I can't feel my toes.
The hope which I felt
Is receding from my veins and
I'm falling.
The numbness is back and
Making its way through my fingertips,
Up my sparking, wired arms as I stare dully
At this wall in front of me
In the rain.
Little streams of water trickle from my newly tangled hair,
Obscuring my vision.
I can no longer dance in the rain because
My white dress, once light like leaves in the wind,
Is grey, and clinging to my shivering form like a crawling second skin.
I turn my heavy head, and when I see that no one is there,
I allow myself to sink down
To close my eyes and feel the cold.
When reality hits and floods
Mary Alexander Jan 2017
You left a scab which
Took too long to form,
And my healing heart
Was all dead and worn.
You have no right
To come back and do this,
Checking me off
Like an item on your To-Do list,
What happened to me
Was awful and cruel,
And now "never trust"
Is my number one rule.
So you have no right
To come back and say,
"Oops, I'm sorry
I treated you that way",
For shallow words do
Nothing when spoken,
To a newly healed heart,
Not ready to be broken.
Mary Alexander Apr 2016
I am too young
To be this
Angry, hurting, empty
Girl.
Mary Alexander Oct 2015
This small world I'm a part of
Will always be too small
Too small for what I dream of.
Everyone, afraid to stand tall.
I'm sick of being pushed around
Like a little girl who plays.
I'm tired of being expected always
To smile and nod for days.
Why are they all blind?
Why on earth can't they see?
They say I'm "one of a kind".
But certainly it can't just be me.
Just me who wants to escape this place.
And run as far away as I can.
From the people who smile
Then turn their backs
Surprised that I'm not their number one fan.
I'm sick of being belittled.
Pushed around, misunderstood.
So get me out of this place.
So I can escape for good.
I'm just done.
Mary Alexander Aug 2014
Here is my story:
I'm not Snow White.
Don't sing with any birds.
 Not afraid of
Dark woods and scary trees.
Because I like the adventure.
Sorry, but that's just me.

I'm just not meant for you, my prince.
You've got those perfect
beautiful eyes.
You like the pretty ones.
Songbirds with beauty
So I don't know why you think
I'm right for you.
I used to fake it,
Where sweet clothes and shoes,
Listen to your words,
only to feel guilt.
'Cause I wasn't listening,
Thinking about
All the fun and risk involved
With things that I really I love.
Not you now.
I see you looking at her.
Her with her soft hair and light spirit.
Perfect.
I'm laughing to myself.
That took so long.
I sigh walk away.
I knew that you'd leave,
That you'd realize,
That I'm strange.
That I'm no princess.
I grab my boots and jacket and run,
laughing all the way.
Mary Alexander Jan 2016
If you keep madly fighting
The oceans of your sadness,
Then simply your hatred
Will drive you to madness.
So I beg you to breathe.
With calm, in and out.
Know that I won't leave,
Trust that without doubt.
Hold on to that fact,
And never give in.
Don't thrash and drown in the waves.
Instead, just learn how to swim.
Mary Alexander Jan 2017
"Oh Ella, what have you done?"
Must I explain again?
I've fallen in love with fear,
It's made me stronger and
Fuled my brand of fire. Is that wrong?
"Oh Ella, what have you done?"
I'll say it once,
I've learned to slap sour, poetic, spitting lips
Away from my face
With no hesitation, is that wrong?
"Oh Ella, what have you done?"
I can't keep repeating.
I walked through hell with a smile.
Skipping around flames, letting dust
Tangle in my hair. Is that wrong?
"Oh Ella, what have you done?"
Do not judge my strength.
I've raised myself on the edge
Of the lion's backbone,
Now foverever changed, safe, why is that wrong?


"Oh Ella, what have you done?"
Nothing.

I no longer answer to you.
Mary Alexander May 2018
I wanted to speak of the infinite
To chase the stars and lose
myself in the waves.
I wanted to scream of the unheard.
To challenge the unmoveable and
Rise through winds laced with flame.
I wanted to keep moving.
But you always preferred standing still.
Mary Alexander Feb 2015
We aren't children anymore.
Open your eyes.
There's army rising up.
Open your eyes.
Our generation can fight the dark.  
It will flee in sight of our light.
Open your eyes.
In light of this current world.
Mary Alexander Jan 2016
The best gift
That a person can give me,
Is one that is written on paper.
With thoughts that are real,
And words that can heal,
From the heart, to make me feel safer.
I adore letters so much
Mary Alexander Oct 2015
Running through the parking lot
I keep racing.  
I can't stop.

Slowly I'm collapsing.
The blood runs down my arm.
I scream. I laugh.
My spirit isn't alarmed.

My hair is askew
My laughter fills the air.
After all I've been through,
I'm glad that he's not there.

But soon a shadow approaches.
I glance down at my stained hand.
I try to run, but he grabs my shoulders, I am not strong enough to stand.  

He holds my arm and looks at me
As tears run down his face.
"What the hell were you thinking?
You could never be replaced."

My laughter was gone
As soon as his tears escaped.
And so, as he holds me tightly,
I stare down at my knife
Now a foreign shape.

I pull free and throw it
As far as I can manage.
I take a deep breath in
As we go to repair the damage.
Work in progress
Mary Alexander Aug 2014
Tick tock
Goes the clock,
As my life goes on and on.
Time passes.
Memories fade.
please don't go,
I want to hold on

I want to re-live every hour
Claim back every moment.
You,
My love,
My brave soldier,
Have gone and died alone  

And I want to to back,
Look you in the eye,
Hold your hand in mine
And say it'll be okay.
But I can't.
All I can do is think
And wish.
Wish you hadn't gone that way.
Soldier war death love end wish
Mary Alexander Nov 2016
I'm caught up in your mystery,
Can't breath in your hazel eyes,
But it's okay, I promise,
My heart still beats sometimes.
just another ****** love poem by yours truly
Mary Alexander Feb 2016
I know. I believe you.
        I actually don't think it's true
I promise I'll talk.
        no, my heart kept it's lock
I'm fine.
        Im suffocating
I've already forgotten.
         *my mind is on fire
Mary Alexander Mar 2016
It frightens me
How much time we spend
Focusing on what doesn't matter.
The petty issues that flood my generation.
They all seem to be swimming in the waves.
Fully absorbed in their "pain" and "troubles".
But I am drowning.
Because I'm tired of hearing about
Fashion.
I'm tired of little children crying over
"Love".
I'm tired of all of the self absorbed people in my world.
And soon, I'll gracefully exit.
Sorry for all the venting free verse.
Mary Alexander Mar 2016
As I stare into the black space,
I am surrounded by the sea of pitch
That overcomes my body with tremulous waves,
As my wavering heartbeat
Flickers like a flame in a downpour.
Nothing is clear.
The pitch is in my eyes and
As hard as I try to blink it away,
It consumes me until all I see is the blackness.
My limbs succumb to the numbness
While my soul is tossed around
Like a rag doll in a tornado,
Stuck in the same circular, shadowy pattern
Until it emerges,
Mangled and ugly.  
The shadow of the Hope I had in earlier hours
Has disappeared, melting in this
Disdainful, tormenting pitch.
It's seeping into my skin now,
Drowning me as I claw at my throat,
Desperate for a way out.
But the inevibility of it making its way to my heart is clear.
It'll form an incasing around it,
For that is its pattern,
To wait for the miner to chip it away.
But his chisel will eventually pierce my heart,
And the pitch will return.
It'll surround me and blind me.
It'll choke me until it's made its way to my heart.
And every time, he'll come back,
He'll let me breathe air for a little while,
But though the miner's heart is strong,
The pitch is a part of me now,
And my flame of a heartbeat is withering softly.
Fear and confusion often overcome what you love most.
Mary Alexander Jun 2018
Sweetheart, look to the mountains.
Their unwavering power. Their
Still, magnificent beauty.
Please climb them with me.

Sweetheart, look to the ocean.
It's vast mystery. The
Cleansing, crashing waves.
Please swim in them with me.

Sweetheart, look to the stars.
Their ancient compass, their
Never- ending hope.
Please dance under them with me.

Please say yes
Just this once.

just once.

once
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