As I stare into the black space,
I am surrounded by the sea of pitch
That overcomes my body with tremulous waves,
As my wavering heartbeat
Flickers like a flame in a downpour.
Nothing is clear.
The pitch is in my eyes and
As hard as I try to blink it away,
It consumes me until all I see is the blackness.
My limbs succumb to the numbness
While my soul is tossed around
Like a rag doll in a tornado,
Stuck in the same circular, shadowy pattern
Until it emerges,
Mangled and ugly.  
The shadow of the Hope I had in earlier hours
Has disappeared, melting in this
Disdainful, tormenting pitch.
It's seeping into my skin now,
Drowning me as I claw at my throat,
Desperate for a way out.
But the inevibility of it making its way to my heart is clear.
It'll form an incasing around it,
For that is its pattern,
To wait for the miner to chip it away.
But his chisel will eventually pierce my heart,
And the pitch will return.
It'll surround me and blind me.
It'll choke me until it's made its way to my heart.
And every time, he'll come back,
He'll let me breathe air for a little while,
But though the miner's heart is strong,
The pitch is a part of me now,
And my flame of a heartbeat is withering softly.

It's surprising, how many people
forget
That a certain amount of
Simple, small
Hairline fractures
Can break a bone.

He was the shadow to my light.
There cannot be one without the other.
No matter how fast I ran to get away,
He was always present.
No matter how close I got,
I could never touch him.
And he could not touch me.
My brightness made him stronger,
But also more likely to slip away any second
Like the early morning fog.
His phantom heart was something I could try to understand, but never fully reach.
We were destined to be side by side,
But never together.

Sometimes I wonder about
Who cares, and who doesn't.
Do those who don't think they do?
Because the young adult mind
Is clouded by hormones
And frankly, not fully developed.
So those who "care"
But don't ask questions about your life?
Those who "love you",
But aren't interested in talking about your passions?
Those who "want to be there"
But stop paying attention the second you feel happy?
Be wary of those people.
Because though they have pretty words,
They are always temporary.

It frightens me
How much time we spend
Focusing on what doesn't matter.
The petty issues that flood my generation.
They all seem to be swimming in the waves.
Fully absorbed in their "pain" and "troubles".
But I am drowning.
Because I'm tired of hearing about
Fashion.
I'm tired of little children crying over
"Love".
I'm tired of all of the self absorbed people in my world.
And soon, I'll gracefully exit.

During this month I was told that
My level of intellect was dangerous.
It truly makes sense because
My speech can't keep up with my thoughts and
My wandering daydreams control my nights as I lay still,
Begging my mind for rest.
I have no patience for my peers
Because I read them with confusion and shock,
All easily and quickly
Like ******, young adult fiction.
A boy once told me that my mind was a maze,
But he was wrong because
There are no dead ends.
There is no rest.
Every fully dissected thought,
every soul crushing emotion
Leads to the next.
And so, my mind won't let me rest.
I will never be at peace.
They say intellect is a gift,
But it is truly a curse
As I grow more restless
With each passing hour.

Sick of all these people's gossip
Sick of their dim words.
Tired of faking love towards those
Who only bring me hurt.
Now I'm holding in my screams
Drowning in this sea of faces.
But they just keep looking at me
And I'm feeling suddenly graceless.
I'm heading straight to the real world.
Where they can't keep clawing at me.
But there's a friend who is blind and who Won't stop saying that I probably shouldn't be so mean,
I'm speaking up against them.
Their pretty lies, and their shallow love.
And there's a woman who hates me, and won't stop saying I should probably keep my pretty mouth shut.
But their world is a fake one.
And I simply can't wait and
Paint a smile on my angry, cold face.

Always say the words that you should.
Even if you think they are already understood,
For sadly, hearts are often broken
By the simple the words we leave unspoken.

Warm hands outstretched,
Hey, are you okay?
Welcoming eyes of fire,
Please, I'm asking you to stay.
And now I realize, that at that first touch,
I should have walked away.

When the world is too harsh
And cold and just dark.
When it feels like a stain
On your already burdened heart,
When your life feels so empty
And your dreams have all gone,
When you feel all alone,
With nothing left to lean on,
Don't forget about me
And my love, strong and pure.
I promise to hold you,
At peace, but aware.
Aware of your pain
And sorrow and strife.
And you won't forget
About my love in your life.

1, 2,
Real life is coming for you.
3, 4,
Honey go walk out that door.
5, 6,
I'm just so done with this.
7, 8,
No, go, it's getting late.
9, 10,
I never want to see you again.

The empath girl
feels for those she loves most
On a level that cannot be understood by a simple mind.
But the empath girl
also feels so alone
For no one will ever care about her
On that same level.

I know. I believe you.
        I actually don't think it's true
I promise I'll talk.
        no, my heart kept it's lock
I'm fine.
        Im suffocating
I've already forgotten.
         *my mind is on fire

And now I finally understand
The horse
Whose heart exploded
In the middle of the race.

I dread the day,
The moment when
I take his hand.
And wish it was yours.
I have nightmares about
His kiss on my forehead,
My fake, plastered smile
Because of what's wrong.
Something forgotten, and lost, and replaced.  
And my guilt that I feel as
I remember.
How I let time slip
Through my fingers.
And I'll look up at his face,
Into his dear, kind eyes,
And my heart will scream.
Because my life will have become a song with a missing a verse.

My heart has a vault
Hidden deep in its core.
A deep understanding
Of something I wish not to explore.
The knowledge of what I'll eventually choose.
The purpose of the person I'm not willing to lose.
But that knowledge, this purpose,
I'd rather ignore.
Because there's a chance that my heart
Could crash to the floor.
The sentiment, idea, and truth in this vault,
Could ruin it all
And that would be my fault.

My life is so filled
With sorrow and strife,
That I can no longer breathe,
My veins filled with ice.

I took a step back,
And let out a small cry,
For though his hands were outstretched,
I was unable to fly.

He gave me a rose,
With his smile, sweet and grand.
But though he meant well,
A small thorn peirced my hand.

96
     97
         98
             99
Counting to one hundred where
My heart will be just fine.

It's incredibly sad,
How much damage can be done
To a heart like mine
With a few simple words.

There's an ache in my head.
An ache in my heart.
And though I'm told they're there,
I can't see any stars.
One face turns away,
Another
And another.
One seems to want to stay,
My heart is being smothered.
And I don't know how to save it.
When the face, once so kind
Stares directly through me
And into another's eyes
One face turns away.
Then another
And another.
Until, to my dismay,
It's just me alone, as the darkness
Stays and hovers.

I told him I was fine,
But then he looked at me and said:
"If you're going to do that,
Then I want you to take my arm,
and cut as many times
you would yourself",
I stared in disbelief.
Told him I couldn't,
Couldn't cause him such harm.
Not ever.
Then I suddenly froze
Struggled to breathe, struggled to speak.
Lost feeling all the way through my toes.
In that moment, I saw it,
Deep in his eyes.
I finally understood.
And I stopped telling lies.

I can't eat.
You think that I'm stupid,
But it's no small feat
Because though I can feel my stomach shrinking inside me,
I am stuck on repeat,
Starving, ignoring, forgetting
Yanking with this sharp leash
Saying don't eat
Don't eat
Don't eat.
Because maybe then I'll have some control.
Or the ugly will go away.
Maybe the black, consuming pain
In my heart,
Will finally turn to gray.

The best gift
That a person can give me,
Is one that is written on paper.
With thoughts that are real,
And words that can heal,
From the heart, to make me feel safer.

I miss a person who I don't think I've met.
He'll love my fire
And won't mind my strong will.
With him, I'll feel safe,
Completely at peace,
Still intense but
While my mind remains still.
His arms will be strong,
Reassuring and kind.
And it will not be perfect,
But I know
Someday I will find
My home in a person.
I feel it so deep.
My heart, though it's breaking,
Was given hope it will keep.

Her hair is like the sun,
Lighting up the day.
Mine is like the midnight sky,
To which lost souls gaze in utter dismay.
Her eyes of gentle, calming blue,
And mine of piercing gold,
My simple, sad, repeating story
Is just now being told.
Every time, I understand.
I expect this dull feeling-
I don't stand a chance.
The girl with the fleeting
Look in her eyes,
With raven black hair,
And a deadly fire in her smile.
She's never the one,
The one to catch his eye.
And though it pained her deeply,
She learned, on her own, how to fly.

At seven years old the fire started
It kept my veins hot,
As I brushed past those shallow souls
Around me.
By the time I was eleven
I would play pretend.
The fire wasn't bad,
The anger in my heart was
Fake.
The scars on my porcelain arms
Were silver.
When I made it to 15,
I was a princess
Of marble.
Never feeling,
Never breaking.
Quiet like a fire.
Smoother than a storm.
When I reached 18,
The silver scars were gone and
The deadness in my eyes
Never betrayed
The fire within, which never left
And never will.

If you keep madly fighting
The oceans of your sadness,
Then simply your hatred
Will drive you to madness.
So I beg you to breathe.
With calm, in and out.
Know that I won't leave,
Trust that without doubt.
Hold on to that fact,
And never give in.
Don't thrash and drown in the waves.
Instead, just learn how to swim.

His heart is what I love the most.
Flaming
Beautiful
Protected  
Behind locked doors, I found
An ever changing painting;
Always transforming with
Stunning colors sprinting across
The blank, white canvas of his making.
It will never be blank again
Because
The crimson of his love is too strong.
And
The violet of his daydreams is just too complex.
And
The deep blue of his sadness is simply too heavy.
But these colors
Along with so many others,
Are what make his his heart his, his alone.
What I love the most,
Is his vibrant heart.
No matter how many times
He attempts
To cover it in white.

My breath won't stay strong
It comes
In sharp bursts
I know it won't be long
Before my heart starts to hurt.
The pain is too much,
Overwhelming my lungs.
And so I can't breathe.  
Heart, caged
Has been stung.

For the song you have sung,
Though so full of love.
Is killing me softly.
With a pain I won't be rid of.

I don't understand
What is wrong with my mind.
It's betraying my heart.
Though your hands do seem kind,
My breath stars to quicken,
And it shouldn't mean much,
But my heart quickly unravels
As I flinch, shrink from your touch.

I shut my eyes,
Willing my thoughts away.
I take a step back,
Though I truly wish to stay.
But what will I do?
While his sight remains blocked.
Tell him I love him?
No. That must remain locked.
For though what we have is strong,
There's a crack in our base.
So I will remain silent.
With a placid smile on my face.

When you ask yourself
Who would truly care?
If you lay dying
With a cold and empty stare.

Please remember that it would be me.
Trembling with fear,
With dark thoughts roaming free

Because you show me light,
When my courage stretches thin.
Even when that light
Is troubled and dim.

You don't know your worth.
So I'll remind you every day.
I love you, sweet Sir.
And that will never go away.

So next time you wonder
Who would be affected?
Remember that only with you,
My heart is fully mended.

And if I lost your light,
If it were extinguished,
I would never be the same.
But my love never diminished.

I look at you.
And I see and endless pit of pride.
I look at you,
And I see a cruel soul that will soon die.

You look at me
With judgment in your eyes,
And you'll see a scowl.
It will take you by surprise.

So look at yourself.
See what you've done?
You've created someone
Who has a company of one.

You're alone, locked in your
Egotistical mind.
And you'll never get out.
Even once you wish you'd been kind.

Things aren't that way between us.
But if he opens his arms,
I don't hesitate to run into them.
Things will never be romantic,
But I still get lost in his eyes
And forget to speak.  
We will never feel that way,
But his smile feels like my only joy
When my days are filled with darkness.
Things will never be "more",
But his presence brings me relief.
I don't know how it began,
Where it will lead,
Or how it will end.
But I know that my love in some way will remain.
Simple and pure till I live my last days.

He wouldn't let me leave him.
He wouldn't let me run.
As the light of my heart was dimmed,
His fired up, much like the sun.

His desperation scared me
As I tried to turn away.
His emerald eyes consumed me,
As he begged me longer to stay.

My emptiness consumed me
As the tears flowed from my eyes.
He said he'd never been angry,
This took me by surprise.

So I simply stood in awe,
Motionless and still.
As though some great, unspoken law
Forced me me to stay, until

He took me in his arms,
And crushed me to his chest.
I listened to his steady heart,
Felt safe, away from the rest.

He held on until my sobbs had slowed,
And my breathing found its peace.
He said "I'll never let you go."
Until my shivers finally ceased.

We stood there for a while,
His lips pressed to my forehead,
I knew that they had formed a smile.
And soon, my fears had fled.

Nothing makes me feel safer
Than being close you you.
Away from every danger,
For our love is simply true.
With you, all time stands still.
With you, I'm not alone.
And every moment, simple and pure
In your arms is where I'm home.

I'll be gone someday.
And you'll be here wishing
I had one more hour to stay.
After all I've done
The pain finally ending,
And all the harm that I have caused
The time you've been lending.
Will no longer affect you.
For the day will come,
When you shall rise, and I shall not.
And you'll rise, still strong.  
And I'll softly call,
Goodnight, and joy be with you all.

Though I'm alive,
The breath is stolen from my lungs.
Though I don't cry out,
My heart is being stung.

Though I stand motionless,
I'm thrown back through glass,
Though I remain quiet,
I'm soul screams, yearning to ask.

It all happens as
Time stands still and true.
This pain occurs
Every time I see you.

I loved you.
In the truest way.
I still love you.
Though I'm about to go away.
I don't want to.
But I'm too scared.
I could have told you.
But I never would have dared.

I'm staring off into space.
Again while he speaks.
I'm thinking about other things.
Like the falling autumn leaves.
Thinking about what it would be like
For him when I'm gone.
Wondering who would miss me
I'm wondering if I'll stay long.
I'm slowly coming back,
Picking up words here and there.
Missing the feelings I lack.
Needing people like air.
He's still talking.
Except now he staring with hope in his strange eyes.
And I feel guilt rushing through me.
"Wait what?" I ask, with blankness on my face.
And so as he looks right at me,
He gets up and walks away.

Do you think I don't see?
Do you think I don't know?
Because whether you like it or not,
I'm never going to let go.
Not if you refuse to tell me
Why there's such pain in your eyes.
Not if you sit there smiling
As a sad man in disguise.
I'm sorry that I see it.
And love, you look sad.
When you think no one can see you,
And I'm sorry, but I can.
Because your masked face trick doesn't work on me.
And I love you so deeply that
I cannot watch this happen.
I can't sit here to wait and see
Wait and see?! But what if it deepens?
What would you tell me then?
"I'm sorry, I tried"?
Because if that's it, then you didn't.
You didn't really try.
You just sat and waited.
You just waited till your spirit died.

Hey little buddy,
Get ready to listen up.
I'm about to tell you what's true.
And it might get a bit rough.
She's gone through too much.
Too much to take one more.
But you left her and said, good luck!
So I'm here to tell you the deal.
You touch her heart one more time.
And I'll make you feel
The pain that I once knew
The only kind
I've come accustomed to.
The pain of letting go
And watching some one leave you behind.
I'm sorry, I had to say that.
I just couldn't remain "kind".

What is love?
Such an overused word.
I'd never thought I'd feel it.
That idea was absurd.
And then I met you
I knew that one thing was plain.
That love isn't just one thing.
And it's a wonderful thing to have gained.
I thought it would be worthless.
Simply and utterly untrue.
But now I've found it in you, friend
I feel the joy when you do.
Of course it's not all perfect.
Like when I can feel your pain.
But to me, it's always worth it.
And I'll never be the same.

What happened to you
Is part of your story.
And I love you even though
It came with no glory.
Because what matters to me,
Isn't your strength.
It isn't your ability
To stop, breath and think.
I thought it was obvious, but I guess I'll explain.
It's your heart, don't you see?
Though it's been through all this pain
It's remained earnest and pure.
Even though you can't see.  
Please trust me when I say,
That where you are is where I'll be.