(The sun is somewhat dimmed, as though I'm looking through a film.)

Losing myself in the crinkles of your eyes
As you smile carelessly into the camera
I remember
The way you scrunch your nose a little
The way your lips remind me of cherry blossoms

(It's a little cold here. The temperature is falling.)

Even as I lay in bed shivering and battling my fever
I remember the nights you wished you were here
The nights you work as a bartender, carelessly picking up girls over the counter
Do you serve them all poisoned holy grails?

(A hollow whirring. That's the sound I hear when my ears are blocked.)

Your favorite song plays in the background
I remember
When you said my voice was soothing
When you said I meant something
Ed Sheeran probably didn't mean it
But now I cringe with every note of his

(The brightness before me is blurring. Are those my tears or is it just the water?)

It was beautiful, really
But pink sakura petals do not bloom in this region
Even the colour pink is distressing to me
Since we matched in winter through spring

(You nicked my heartstrings. How do I mend it?)*

I find you in all the little things
Cigarettes, temples, business trips, huskies,
Harry Potter, Radler, Netherlands, salmon,
Macaroons, banana man, an 18 grand television

Round and round, the second hand runs on the face
The sun goes down and down, signing off the days
Round and round, you're running in my head
I go down and down till I reach the seabed

Can you imagine what would happen if we could have everything?
I'm still watching the stars and the moon, waiting for you to breathe.
The days feel like decades, I'm stuck in the moments when you were next to me.
Even if I wasn't the one you were smiling for,
Even if I wasn't the one you were looking for,
I wished at the very least, you were happy.

The stars shine quiet in the night sky
Flickering, in the dark
Tonight I wish upon one shining so
Bright
Praying, in my heart
One day when the stars align
I will be yours, and you will be mine
We will not be lost
At night

“I know what you’re thinking.”

Do you?
You can’t read me like an open book.
You have no idea what I truly think.
What makes you so sure I even see you as a friend like the way you see me?

You see me
as a studious girl, diligently finishing my work
as an intelligent girl, acing the tests in the subjects I’m good at
as a responsible girl, always carrying out my duties with zeal and efficiency
as a kind hearted girl, courteous and honest
You also see me
as a mean girl who gossips about others
as a conceited girl who brags on and on about herself
as a selfish girl who does things only if it is to her benefit
as a coward who is afraid of so many things
as a lazy *** who does nothing in weekends
The list goes on.

Just because you see the good and the bad of me, you think
you know me.
Do you?
Don’t be too quick to answer that question.

You will never know the nights I spend going insane
thinking about myself
thinking about you
thinking about others
You will never know about the times when I breakdown into a useless emotional wreck
with the tiniest action from someone
You will never know about the certain few nights and what I did to myself
and how I cry
on and on, nails digging deep into my palms, on and on, uncontrollably hyperventilating, on and on… even when I don’t want to.
You will never know about the content in my diary
what these words really mean
what my purposes are

You will never know about the way my brain is wired
about the way I see the world
about the way my mind is poisoned, tainted, corrupted, trained to manipulate, functioned to lie.

You don’t know me even if you think you do.

You don’t know about how much I fear myself while I type these words
while I’m thinking about the pain in my heart and how it is therapeutic.

My lips are parched, my throat is dry, my breath is coming out in slow deliberate long breaths.
My mind stays warped, damaged and tainted.
The edges of my eyes hurt from too much rubbing.
My heart is still hurting, as it does every day and night.
My eyes stay shut as I think about how I am going to survive tomorrow.

You ask me why I hate everyone. You ask me why I am so pessimistic. You ask me why I am so irritable. You ask me so many questions and you say
“I know what you’re thinking.”*
Do you
when I don’t even know myself anymore?

Boom.

That's the sound I hear when I squeeze my eyes shut
And clamp my hands over my ears.

Boom.

It sounds like fireworks.
The kind that surge into the air, disappear for a short moment,
Before exploding into a million pixels of luminance
With a loud and vibrant

Boom.*

Gingerly, I remove my hands from my head
Listening to the pitter-patter against my window
Watching the white flash of—

I squeeze my eyes shut, head lowering, hands tight against my ears, knees close to my chest, eyes shut, hands tight against my ears, breathing paused, heart pounding.

A low *grumble.

I open my eyes, hands still against my ears.
The sky is very black.
Some fears
Leave a scar too deep
To be overcome
No matter how many lies you tell yourself.

Sheets of white piling up on my desk
Red alerts with red flags flooding my mail
The little ping, ping, ping of incoming messages from various correspondents
Demanding my attention

"You should learn to say no; stop doing everything by yourself."

Once, my insides would clench and I'd feel like I'd been
Kicked in the shin whenever I see something that reminds me of you
But now, search as I might, I can no longer see your face
Even down memory lane, you've vanished as suddenly as you did in reality

Other events flow like running water, with the clarity of a clear lake
Yet when I try to recall the words you said
It was as if a mischievous kid decided to mess with the tap
On; off. On... off. On... off. On; off.
A buffering in my mind like chopped up notes of a song when a video wouldn't load properly
1991. 9893. 0306. 162. 0341. Numbers are all I remember.
How did
Your smile look like?
How did your voice
Sound like?

I stare at the excel sheet I've been populating
I stare at the values I've been entering
One after another, work requests come
One after another, the traces of you go

Hey
I wonder how you are
A hundred miles away from my breath
A million feet out of reach
I miss your caress against my cheek
The light twirling in my hair as we lay together
Moonlight shining on white sheets
Feeling our chests rise in sync
I wonder if you remember as I do  
I wonder if you know *I miss you

Your eyes are the colour of the starry night sky; I close my eyes watching the
Fireworks of phosphenes
And in my vision I see your cold blue stare: warm, friendly, loving.
Too warm, too friendly, too loving.
My hands reached forth meeting a blistering nothing.
Our palms are two halves meant to be one, fingers intertwined and locked
Yet locked is your heart to which a key I have not.

My heart raced while watching you from afar
A spark ignited and soared into the black sky.
Exploding, it lit up the dark night and showered me with your warmth and fire
One I enveloped and was blinded by; I could not see the light
Fade into the stark starless nothingness
Instead, all I saw was you (and the life I wanted with you)

Countless, fruitless attempts of baring my soul to you made me question
Perhaps Cupid misfired, made me askew, and still I yearn for you.
I am afraid, you know. Yet, a sliver of light slipped between the crack of the closet door
Do I grasp it or do I leave the light be?
(laughs) Forgive me. To be or not to be, wasn't the crux, was it?

Staring at you from across the room, I've come to realize
Hard truths never fail to fall even the strongest—you only have eyes for Others
Cause after all, norms are meant to be adhered to
And the sky is never always a clear blue. Fireworks don't last forever,
Do they?
In the darkness I stand watching them fade. I clutch at my heart, fire ablaze. It shall stay ablaze

For all eternity.

so much and so much more that I could never have said
shut in my throat, lost words that dissolve when I try to grasp at them.
so much and so much more that we could have been
gone are the days when everything mattered equally.

from here on there is
so much distance between us.
no matter how much I run, no matter how much I push,
my knees would buckle under me, my arms would fall limp by my side,
as I see you moving forward, further and further.
shaking, I reach out.
your name, a syllable that rests on the edge of my lips
lost in the howling wind.

so much and so much more we could have become
slowly but surely, your silhouette fades out in my vision.

All I am left with are
Pictures of your warm smile
A whisper of your soothing voice
An echo of your fiery feelings
A waft of your quirky humor
Memories of you and me

Awkward calls ending with burning cheeks
Time lags between morning greetings
Nights without sleep just to bring us a little closer
Unsaid understandings and silences
Hidden anticipation for the unseen future
The future of you with me

"Only in the darkness can you see the stars"
But what if this star hung up in the cold black sky
This star the only guiding light in the shrouding suffocating darkness
Wasn't meant for me?
To touch it
Meant hot white flames searing through my skin
Losing an arm
To look at it
Meant steel blades cutting my eyes
Blinding me
This star
The *only star I see in the darkness
Why can't it be meant for me?
Why save me from the darkness
Only to push me down this endless pit again?

The sound of cars driving by in the distance,
The sound of trains carrying passengers,
The sound of the night breeze dancing through leaves, making them rustle.

There are no stars in sight as I stare at my blank ceiling, a single bulb in the middle, fused.
I keep my eyes open and the darkness starts to swirl, fading at the edges and congregating at random spots.
The dryness in my throat somehow spreads to my eyes.
The stinging reminds me of soot and fire.

(Remember how you burned my lungs in a forest fire?)

My eyes start to water as I fight to keep staring at the darkness.
I refuse to fall asleep.
I refuse to return to the dreams abundant with your luring smiles, plagued with your careless whispers.

I refuse to wake up from those dreams with you.
I refuse to wake up to another cold morning without you.

One foot over another, as I try to balance on those
White stilettos, in my white dress splashed with floral prints
Entering the ballroom filled with people
Vines wound around window sills, flowers emanating a mysterious scent
Fairy lights glow in the dim lights
And I see you.

A shy glance was all I allowed
The seat beside you was empty
Should I sit over there?
Situation and circumstances pulled me to the another table
It shouldn’t have meant anything but my heart sunk a little.

You were taking photos of the event
I was watching the performances put up
Music played in the background
Food was served on the table

Yet, was it my imagination?
From the corner of my eye I see you poised with your camera
The lens facing me
Like an arrow drawn as I hid between the trees
Were you aiming for the mystical birds behind me?
Once, twice
How many exotic birds have you taken down?

With a wave of your hand, you called out to me
An exchange of words
Jokingly, playfully, like a game
“No, seriously.” We held eye contact.
A sudden rise in temperature
Do not blush
The darkness was enveloping
Memories resurfaced, wounds reopened
This is bad
You left me in search of others

Disappointment? Was that what I felt?
Relief? As if I plunged into a well of conflicting emotions
It shouldn’t mean anything

Yet, what was that look for?
The enchanted forest is a dangerous place to explore.

You left fingerprints
on my face
You left lip prints
on my lips
You left warmth
around my waist,
a meaning to my days.

And you also left
a wound in my chest
tear stains on my cheeks
bruises in my mind
a scar for life.

Caramel showers
Still do not wash away the
Bitterness you left

Falling apart from a height
Laying shattered on the ground
Broken shards reflecting light
Casting myriads of hues all around
Is it only then do we realize how beautifully broken we are?

A minute inhale of petrichor
The silent shadow of rainfall
Silver skies after a shower
White clouds pure like a newborn
Innocence colours her temple
May our love never be torn
Pale petals the shade of light
The meaning of love at first sight
Bound together for hereafter
Never bade goodbye or waver.

I know, I know
It's just an infatuation
It's just borne of a biological need to find a partner of an opposite gender
An animalistic need to procreate

I know, I know
It's just a theory
The idea of soulmates, finding The One
A story made up by lovesick poets
Feeding childhood dreams

I know all this
At the back of my hand
Yet, deep down inside
There's a girl sitting on a cliff

Staring down at the stream leading to a river leading to the endless ocean
Waiting for that One Day
Where her breath would be stolen
Where dreams would be realized
Where nothing would make sense
And everything would be nonsense

There's a girl living in made-up fantasies
Drawing cloud castles in the air
Collecting stars in a jar as a night lamp
Listening to the voices in the breeze

When soulmates meet
When I'll be consumed by your unconditional love
When I'll meet you

A lovely dream it'll be
The day you find me

Deep bass pounding in ears
Red and blue lights dancing around heads
Shadows and silhouettes
Whispers and kisses

Don't think

Alcohol pulsing through veins
Mindless souls moving to the same beat
Hitting notes, scratching marks
Trying to leave a trace on this vast universe

Missing

Anthems blaring through hidden speakers
Heartbeats in sync with the drums
Melding in the throng of grinding bodies
Heels and boots marching to the rhythm

Drifting

Maps and compasses thrown into the ocean
Steering wheel left unguarded
Wave after wave of heavy thoughts
Pushed to the boundary of the horizon

cotton candy in pink, blue, white
fluffy and fearless before sparkling eyes
I disappear into them
you'll never see me again

clouds of smoke in black, grey, white
I find myself breathing (or so I thought)
the ghost of me lays peacefully in white  
my limbs trapped in toffee (and there I rot)

cotton candy hardens into sticky toffee
when water touches it
when my lips touch it
soft to touch but never mine to hold

sweet candy in carnival colours
neon lights and bubble pop
I didn't believe the shadows in your eyes
or the sweet wrappers you trample on

a poisoned apple you offered me
"It's poisoned," you warned me
so who is to blame for this tragedy?
well, it's always been me, me, me.

I look into the night sky.
The clock is ticking.
The moon is sleeping.
I am waiting.

A little girl with a pure kind heart,
messed around a little too much.
The clock is ticking and I wait
for the moment the little girl change.

The little girl will become strong and kind
and valiant and fine.
Though deep inside she might still be shy,
a strong front she will put outside.
The clock is ticking and the time has come.

It is twelve of the very next day,
which many years back in a small white room,
the little girl was born in a pair of arms so warm
and laughter and tears coloured the room.
A smiling father with an exhausted mother,
but everyone in the room was celebrating,
for this very day many years back,
the girl reading this was born.

The clock is ticking.
The moon is gleaming.
The clouds are floating.
The dreams are living.
I am writing.

The clock is ticking and I say
I love you
and I will never regret having you in my life
and I wish you will always be happy on this day every year
because the clock never stops ticking
and people never stop changing.

But today is the day we celebrate the little girl who has changed
in ways big or small,
good of bad,
drastic or subtle.
We celebrate because
I love you.
*We love you.

a churning in your abdomen
like the clenching of your fists to show the whites of your knuckles
like the contracting of your heart muscles to pump blood from head to feet

a low growl
like a beast's when it sees prey after starving for days
crouching low, stalking, waiting to pounce

a waft of fresh blood
the animal had lunged; it caved into ******* desires,
incisors cutting through sinews

warm red liquid spilling all over
a ****** mess, clouding vision
a beast devouring, feeding until it's the only one standing
the only one cackling

a gulp
of fresh air clears the mind
is one meal enough to satiate the beast?
through a reflection one sees their beast
lingering, hiding amongst shadows
dormant, creeping beneath stained skin

"Out, ****** spot!"
but from head to feet, the ****** is me.

Dust, sand, pepper, I'm not too sure
Which went into my eyes but I'm tearing furiously
Through my blurred vision, I saw another
In the dark corner, with her knees to her chest
Hands covering her face
In the dark she wept
Was it you I saw or is this my reflection?

I remember
Staring at the vast ocean of stars
Praying, wishing with the last lingering thought before sleep
That my life wouldn't be so stagnant
For an adventure worthy of tales
To throw me off my guard

They say, "Be careful what you wish for in the dark."

Seeing myself in the mirror
A monster, a horror
An unknown disease lurking, hidden
A virus within forever

Wrapping my head in my arms
A self-loathe burning like a fever
A desire to pluck out my nails
Like plucking out petals from a flower

I love me, I don't love me, I don't love me
I don't ever love me

Stop breathing down my neck
Stop pawing me for answers
Stop drilling holes in my back
I can hear your whispers

I know, I know
I don't need you to tell me I'm disgusting
I could throw up just looking at myself

It's pathetic that I brought this onto myself
I used to laugh at the stars
Cursing and swearing like nothing ever matters
"When the world comes crashing down,
Use it as a blanket," I used to say.

Who knew, who knew
I'd never see
Myself the same again

Who knew, who knew,
I'd never see
The sun rise again

how do I find strength in silence
where do I find courage in darkness
my heart can't take blows one after another
I know you can't help it
yet please
tell me your hidden thoughts so I can carry them
tell me your anxieties so I can allay them
let me be strong enough to carry both our worlds
even if my spine snaps or my shoulders break
trust me
I'll be strong enough to carry both our worlds

Dipping a sable fur brush into blue
A teal blue the colour of the ocean of my imaginations
A blue I'll sink into
Like how the colour sinks into parchment

A stroke across white, precise and gentle
Like the way your eyes deliver warmth
Like the way I'll sink into the burnt umber of your eyes
I'm gravitating towards you
No matter how I run, no matter how I hide
I still end up with scraped knees
As though I'm addicted to falling

Stroke after stroke, watching the colours bleed together
In patterns beyond imagination
To create a piece just for you and me
Inside my head, locked away
Because I know no matter how I feel
These stories are never real

A blue so vivid yet faded
A brown so simple yet elaborate
Where colours collide on a parchment white
I'll just be blue, a blue ocean night

Raindrops
I lifted my head to face the drizzling rain
Little streaks in the background
Wetting my cheeks, damping my hair, soaking my clothes

Rain clouds overhead
Grey cotton puffs in the vast and wide sky
Shielding the light, bringing the cold with them
I stood in the pouring rain, letting the chill sink into my bones
Like needles boring into my joints
Do I have an umbrella?
Yes, yes I do.
It's in my hand, waiting to be opened.
Do I want to use the umbrella?
Perhaps.

But the rain makes me feel
Even if the only thing I feel is pain
I'd want to feel alive

Exhilaration floods through me as I emerge from my cocoon
Spreading my wings
Extending my new body features
Taking flight for the very first time

Through the winds I fly
Into the clouds I soar
From the rain I hide
The flower bed is my dance floor

I twirl, I flutter above the crocuses
The blue and violet outstanding in the green field
But it’s not them that caught my attention
You caught my eye

I twirl,
I flutter,
I swirl, I flutter—
I’m trapped in white

Into the winds I cry
From clouds I fall
In the rain I lie
I don’t visit the flower bed
Anymore

You stole my heart
You control my heart
Your smiles, your tears, hold my limbs against the white sticky strands
I can’t move, I can’t escape
My heart beats for you
My heart is only for you

My smiles, my tears, for myself to see
My life is in your hands
My freedom is in your hands

The blistering heat is you
The chilly wind is you
You are the angel’s temptation
I am the one with wings chained

The fire is you
The storm is you
You are the devil who spins the web
I am the one awaiting death

Into the wind I cry, I cry for the last bit of hope I’m holding on to
In the rain I lie, I embrace the beautiful dream we had
You are the one who spins the web, cunning and charismatic
I am the one trapped in the web, destroyed yet
Drunk in love

Walls, stone walls climbing as high as skyscrapers
Grey, grey upon grey, shadows and stone
A shaky breath left my lips as I looked forward.
My eyes met an endless corridor, stretching further and further
Further and further

An aching burn in my heart prompted me to keep walking
Everything was grey, it chills me to the core
An echo, a whisper of your voice
Your soothing words a gentle caress against my cheeks

"I got you. I'll be your rock."

Nails digging into my palms, I placed one foot over another, one foot over another
I told myself, we are going to make it out together.

With only my intuition as my guide, I travelled through the endless labyrinth
One day, we will find each other and make it out together.

it starts off like a mere tingle, a single flash of light in the dark,
a spark amongst the web of dry pulsing branches
then before you know it, there's a forest fire threatening to burn down all your resolve, choking your lungs with acrid smoke,
smearing the whites of your eyes with soot
with every breath, the fire burns ever greater, ever greater consuming every last bit of thought,
every last bit of reason
and finally, it consumes you, leaving only charred ribs
and a cackling in the background
now, do you understand why I'm afraid of fire

Moving along the waves
Basking under the moonlight
I still remember your piercing gaze
Which once set my skin alight
Was I in love with you
Or the ”me” with you?

Staggering to my feet from the icy bathroom floor
One hand raised to shield my swollen red eyes from the
Blinding sunlight filtering through the dew-stained leaves of maple trees
Another hand weakly grabbing onto the porcelain white sink
When a sudden wave of gut-turning nausea caused my knees to buckle
And the white room spun
My vision peppered with phosphenes like holographic dust
My skin drenched in cold sweat

No longer sweet since the day you left me
My blood’s a bitterness you can’t imagine

And the stars make love to the universe.
Under my breath, I breathed a curse.
Furiously, I rubbed the rainbow off my wrist
maybe if I ignore, all of this will be just a bad dream.

Still I know, my heart beats,
my heart beats for you.
Yet you, sitting with a book in your hand,
eyes focused on the myriad of letters and sentences, the stars in that little universe, the stars in your book,
while the whole outside universe is forgotten.
You are in your own universe
and I stood on the outside of the universe, silently watching,
silent cursing because I didn't want my heart to beat for you.

I cursed because
the stars make love to the universe,
yet I'm not part of your universe.
I curse because
you are so out of my reach.
You are my star,
yet I am down on earth. I look up at the stars
I look back at my star,
and I turned away.

I let my head fall on my desk,
hiding my face, while I contort it, while I use those imaginary scalpels and tweezers to fix my flaws, while I use my invisible vacuum to **** out all these feelings and lock it deep, deep within me.
I raise my head once again,
waking up from the anesthesia,
and I turn away.
I watch the stars make love to the universe in my head.
You sit beside me, silently reading while I sit beside you,
silently cursing.

So many things that I’d wish people knew
So many things I’d rather hide away 
Throwing my hands up in surrender 
As I fall to my back against the beach
Watching the stars make love to the universe 
Watching myself dance to fate’s melody 

I’d like to tell myself to remember 
That I should live life sober 
That hurting is not the way out 
That pain isn’t the only feeling I know 
To not listen to the sea breeze’s calling
To not walk into the ocean’s embrace 

Even if I end up at the bottom of the seabed again 
Even if all I can do is drown in my memories again 
I’d like to tell myself to remember
There’s me waiting on the shore 
Waiting for my reflection to get back up 
Patiently waiting, till I get back up

She walks on pastel clouds, footsteps light without a sound. Her head higher than the clouds, filled with sounds you cannot hear. The thoughts going round and round, round and round.

Her eyes see the world in a way you cannot imagine, where the night sky is strung with words and roses are green. Her voice a melodious peal, drawing you in, drawing you in. Don't be fooled for she has sinned.

She loves another without reason. She's addicted to sweet nothings which do not last seasons. Though friends and family cry warnings of treason, she drinks the poisoned holy grail, ignoring the lesions.

She laughs and smiles like the sun never sets. A fool she is, she always forgets. Never came a day when she and her ever met, and still she smiles like the sun never sets.

love was walking together in the rainside by side
sharing an umbrella as the strong winds
threatened to tear the umbrella apart

love was you holding my hand not letting go

love was walking together, matching our footsteps
waltzing across puddles of water
with wet shoulders and laughter and squeals

love was the little carefree moments that I shared with you

This is me swallowing my fears
Hands trembling as I carve deeply
Words which hide my feelings
Like clouds shielding the sun.

This is me saying goodbye to you
Breath hitching as ink spills
From my heart down my wrist
And into the word adieu.

This is me walking away
Turning the clock a decade in my head
Altering memories of smiles and laughter
Into barren land and greys.

This is me standing in front of you
As I bid you adieu.

Neon lights paint the streets.
Iridescent. Luminous. A myriad of
Colours floods my mind. They are
Overwhelming, suffocating. I don't want it.
Listless, restless, I'm still searching for the
Echoes; the monochrome echoes of your shapeless voice.

Color of my blood
You’re the lighthouse in my storms
You’re where I belong

the wooden bridges connecting you and me
on the day you decided to leave
on the day I realised you weren't coming back
I tore them down, I burned them down
ripping the charred wood as though
wrenching my ribs out of my chest
one by one didn't hurt at all

by the time I reached the last bridge
which still connects you and me
(on the bridge carved both your name and mine)
I dismantled the bridge with the expertise of a carpenter
one by one the wooden planks fell to my side
I didn't build a campfire with them
this last bridge
shall be a memory

with the wood I built a boat
a little boat carrying only me
in this little boat I sail towards the open sea

Torn between logic and passion
Despair coursing through my veins like ocean waves, wave after wave
Inundating me, suffocating me
My breath leaves my lips in a silent prayer,
My lungs igniting in flames,
Consuming the last of all
Oxygen
I'm only left with one shield
I'm torn, so torn between myself and you

she just wants to be loved so badly
she just craves warmth too much
she gave all of it away hoping to get it back
but gambling with The Fates is rough
she longs for the moon which watches her at night
the off-white toothless smile has got her back

yet when day comes the moonlight fades
and with the warmth the moon leaves
the moon doesn't offer warmth and the light deceives
in the long, cold and black sky the moon watches

she just wants fruits she can never taste
a blooming in her heart she'll forever have
day and night
The Fates do not waver
they do not fall to tampers
perhaps they pitied her and took the moon away
letting her bask in the warmth she craved
day by day
hoping she'll walk out of the darkness
and stop the fruitless search of a crescent

Too cold inside for
Angels to fly
No warmth inside so
Angels die
Too empty inside
The angels died
In the silence
The demons rise

It’s twelve midnight and I start thinking
About a question once posed to me
“Are you afraid of the ocean?” They asked
Out of curiosity. It tugged at my mask.

Lying on the ocean bed for eons after eons
On my back staring back at the black sky
Lying on the ocean bed till I could take it no more
A millimeter, or two, I tried to open my eyes

Clawing at my neck till gills are born
They said a nebula must collapse for a star to be born
I guess I was the nebula and now I have moved on
Deep underwater, I’m no longer forlorn

The ocean vast and wide with endless opportunities
The ocean where I was sunk in
A dessert made of my blood, sweat and tears
The ocean where I now live

The ocean brings back memories which sometimes
Still make me breathless (I’d forgotten I’ve gills now)
Yes, yes I’m afraid of going back to what I was
Yet, yet I know that I’m no longer lost

It’s twelve midnight and I start breathing
I’ve survived, so it’s time to start living

Following the lines of the wrist
The shadows and grooves
And at a certain angle, the tendons can be seen
If you closed your fist tightly
The whites of your knuckles against flesh tones
With streaks of green blue purple
Of arteries, veins, capillaries forming a pulsing network
I like the shape of your wrists

When I swallow
My larynx constricts
There's a sharp pain at the top of my throat
I drink some water but it doesn't go away
It's as if there's an arrow through my throat
The arrow head poking out from the front
Like a pendant
You grab the end of the arrow from the back of my head
And wrenched it out

Lost in my thoughts, lost in my fairy tales
Blinded by fairy lights descending from forest trees
Petals glow and magic flows down the glittering stream
A clear turquoise mirror of my hopes and dreams

A flash of lightning, a clash of thunder
Rain starts pelting down on me
Lost in the woods in the dark I cannot see
Reaching ahead, there's only a silent grin

Fear and trepidation infused with hope and exhilaration
An adventure I've always imagined!
A tantalizing waft of charisma caught my nose
Following it through the darkness, losing all my senses

The rain is getting stronger and I am getting colder
The wind makes me shiver despite the warmth of my blood
I can barely keep my eyes open in the darkness
Should I let down my guard and let you guide me through this chasm

A hand took my hand
I gave you control

I heard your voice calling my name
I give up control

Tentatively I opened my eyes
It had stopped raining
It was quiet
There was no fairy dust

The forest is gone and so is the stream
Perhaps finally, I've made it to reality.

red yellow blue orange purple pastel
soaring up into the sky without a care in the world
no strings attached
nothing else in the air but clouds
and the calming, cooling, relieving sea breeze

balloons soaring up in the air
there's me among them
they take me away to a place
where nothing can touch me
where i'm free of worries

feather-light, up and up we go
at a pace smooth and slow
i close my eyes and listen to the sounds
a pianist's fingers dancing along the keys
with such grace, with such elegance

red yellow blue orange purple pastel
scattered across the cyan blue sky
with puffs of pure white clouds in the air
so soft, i imagine
as i close my eyes
as i soar into the sky

I think it was the way your bangs fell over your eyes
Softening your features and bringing out the life
In those pair of brown eyes
As the clouds hung on the blue sky behind you
As another stood with his arms around you
While you smile in blissful happiness
Made me realize
It's time to snip away the threads
It's time to move on

One foot over another, another after another
I could feel the coolness against my feet
Under my weight the grains compress
As I walk, following an unknown beat
A look behind caught sight of the wave
Erasing my tracks on the summer beach
Once, I left my mark on your heart
But I guess you’ve erased it when we part

I lay down on my back, breathing in the sea breeze
A heart empty, my mind drifting
Like a raft alone in the vast ocean
Drifting without an end in sight
It’s cool and calm, and I could hear the ocean speak

Like an autumn leaf falling to the ground
Reddish brown hues all around
If you didn’t look closely you wouldn’t know
Which leaf had last fallen
When I had disappeared into the crowd

I used to like falling, mindless falling into the arms of strangers
Dangling my heart for others to see, pouring my thoughts out of me
I guess the game was too easy
And now I keep the words in me

Pretty words for myself to read
A loneliness like a single fir tree
Withstanding winter alone in the falling snow
If you didn’t look closely you wouldn’t know
Where it was under the blanket of snow

I was watching the sunset a moment ago
I was watching the sun’s red fade into a grey blue
I didn’t get chills, there were no tears
It was a calm in my heart
Mixed with a little sense of relief
The fire receded into the rhythmic lapping of waves, after waves, after waves
I was watching you fade from view
Fading into blue, fading into blue.