the orange bottle was in my hands

translucent and daunting

taking the oblong shapes was however vital

swallowing each pill one by one

left a burning taste in my throat

peering through my wired frames

death blew me over like a candle flame

As long as memories continue to stretch
I never wanted to exist
I liked being apart of the bland background
I liked the quiet peace of inattention
I liked the tranquility of not being noticed
I never allowed anyone to see who I was
Was I afraid?
I may have been
But in the end
It does not matter
You made me want to be seen
You made me want to be noticed
You made me want to exist
It is simple to explain
And I know
I could never blame you for feeling this way
I know
You are the fondest image in my mind
But it hurts
Being someone that used to feel so
Loved and cared for
Now being accused
Of dwelling on your distant gaze
And your cold presence
And however highly I think of you
I cannot make up the absence of your heart

hello, i would say my name

but i have too many titles that aren't the same

i've been alive for quite some valubale time

memories that may not always fall into rhyme

but they are pure and true and whole

and the reason of the existence of my very own soul

i am almost four, my birthday is coming soon

it is probably in november, in the afternoon

but the exact date of my birth is not important because

its not the time it happened that matters, its the action that does

i am the strawberries, the cupcakes, the  snow, and the peaches 

but i'm also the cookies, sunshine, the city, and the beaches

i am composed of messages and fingers moving at a fast pace

and nothing else matters, and no one needs space

no, i do not know who i will be because time will come

but i do know who i am, and who i want to become

i could just run away from the feelings

stuffed in a ***** little bottle

however the actions of others are not determined my the restless beating of my heart.



first went the girl with the long blonde hair

guns and helicopters and doctors' appointments

her backpack was passed around, making it lighter when it returned.



the tall boy opened his mouth next

tumors and legs and feeling alone

his package, too, was passed around for a lighter carry.



the girl with the round glasses looked up

police and fathers and lost purity

everyone took from her heavy bag to loosen the load.



the thin boy with the cuts spoke too

custody and friends and playdates

his luggage was considerably lighter by the time it came back.



the short girl with the large jacket decided to go

voices and death and silence

her satchel was not as full when it was placed back in her trembling hands.



finally, words jumbled at my lips

toxicity. guilt. shame. 

i couldn't hold back, my pack was too heavy

anxiety. fear. dread.

i had to take some weight off of me

anger. rage. hurt.



i opened my eyes, expecting pools of disgust on their faces

instead i see i thousand, shattered, mirrors staring back at me.

The raging waters inside were too much,
Black waves crashing at every shoreline
The scared girl has yet to stop it and such,
The stormy clouds would not let the sun shine

She’s pacing and pacing over again,
The noise is just too loud and way too bright
The rocks on the sand will hopefully mend,
She can see some boulders right in her sight

The girl lets the rocks tumble onto her skin,
They pierce her, and she bleeds on this dark day
She stares at her beautiful, wounded sin,
It’s broken, but there is no other way

There are scars, but there are no more noises,
It takes some pain to silence the voices

the walls were crashing down on me

silver sadness poured out of my eyes

i kept running and running

but there was nowhere to go

except pits of black darkness

stumbling, my feet tripped

and i proceeded to fall-

a warm hand gripped mine and pulled me over the surface

more water streaks were on my cheeks

as the goddess pulled me in for a hug

the warm fragrance of animal crackers enfolded me

friendship and smiles in one long embrace

and i wondered why i thought i was alone in the first place

she was a caring girl
she knows a boy who always cries
and it is the end of january
so his hands are covered in blood
she gives him soap that smells of lemon
and she scrubs his hands clean
he makes her feel uneasy and anxious
but cleansing him is the only thing she does right
he fills her head with steaming tar
and leaves grisly scars over her eyes
damaging her sense of vision
she washes his eternally blood-stained fingers and palms
the blood mixing with lemon soap and tears
completely blind to her own tarnished hands
sobbing, the girl reaches out to the boy in utter darkness
only to find empty air meeting her fingertips
it will only happen again at the end of february

i've worked myself off since my birth
to get a simple letter determining my worth
it's hard to get all the things you want
when everyone is telling you that you should not
it's hard to succeed when you get a score
and everyone is telling you it should be more
it's so hard to try to no avail
when everyone is telling you that you'll fail

the glinting, shimmering bottles on the shelf seem to be glaring at me
their penetrating stares create a twisted knot of guilt in my stomach
my friends come over, asking and asking for the invisible secrets in the clear glass
I deny their knowledge, another layer of guilt befouling me
a few of them have watched me unscrew my bottles
and they ran from me, as far as they possibly could
but one day,
he comes over to my house
my house with my shelf of glass bottles and quiet old me
he isn't interested in me or my bottles
but I am intrigued by his innovative, analytical presence
so loud and harsh are the colors surrounding him
but they are hiding something, I am sure of it
and suddenly,
a bottle falls out of his aura of light
he reaches down to pick it up hastily,
and looks at me, for my hand is on his fallen bottle
he looks at me with those secretive, manic eyes,
and then looks at the bottles on my shelf
he picks one out, and I let him open it,
for I am gently unscrewing his glass
the secrets fly out of both shining bottles
and enter the jars of our mind
I look at his face, which mirrors my own
the intensity of our understanding gazes is why I place my hand on his
and neither of us run away

caramel

a steady mix

the color of a gentle brown

not nearly as harsh as chocolate

sticky and childish, easy to make fun

the sugary smell is almost intoxicating

look at it for too long and it will no longer be soft

soft pieces of purity laid out on a parchment sheet
it smells like raw memory and a warm home
mixed with a spoon to create something sweet
the lovely aroma lets all my memories foam

pouring in the milk laced with my very own blood
these cookies are for someone who is of worth
mixing in the flour, tears at my eyes threatening to flood
but I will endure the pain to put the dough by the hearth

before I put them in the oven, I try a little taste
I feel sick, and my stomach begins to cramp and ache
I ***** all over the floor and look at all the waste
instead of cookies, next time I should make a cake

you're hurt

i can see that

you've become a cynical mess

people are evil

but i know that's how

you get your energy 

hold my hand

i'll hold it tightly

and never let it go

you've brought the sunlight back

just let me help you

i could if you let me in

i'm hurt, too

i give too many people weapons

to hurt my broken heart

but we can see the good in it

if i'm by your side

we can discover galaxies

we can lead the universe 

you and i

i was only taught one way

walking a straight line

the dance felt right but only halfway

i never understood why

hiding in repulsion

at what i might be

i didn't want to walk in circles

i preferred my simple dance

ignoring my feelings came rather sudden

i didn't understand at all

trying different sorts of line dances

somehow didnt feel right

i found one right in the middle

didn't join until now

full of shame at how depraved i was

for me to want to be in a different dance

would all my friends be in question

would my parents look at me in withering disappointment

too late

i stepped in

danger

that's all i was aware of

i paid the notice heed

but nothing could draw me from the spark of colors

carefully, i felt the dash lick my finger

soft, and i never knew it

no sensation could match the flickering feel of the flame

safety

my dear, did i damage and fracture you,
after all the glowing conversations?
i can hope you know i never meant to
i curse my heart for lack of sensations

you were of cinnamon and pumpkin spice,
and i was of subtle cocoa and mint
you always thought mint chocolate was nice
i never felt the same about pumpkin

did my careful words graze your skin with blood,
because you saw me as aphrodite?
or did you view me as a spot of mud,
desperate to scrub off and make mighty?

did my lack of warm feelings pierce your heart?
or was love bitter and not sweetly ****?

I'm done with you
I'm just going to ******* write
without thinking about
anyone
or anything
because my heart is fed up with hearing
all your music
and playing all your games
I'm sick of the tricks society gives me
because I want to be left alone
I'm done with you
I want to love
without overthinking
about a **** text message
I want to have fun
without worrying
that my body is too small
but the knot in my stomach
is never dying
I don't think it's going away
and the world ******* *****
for keeping it there
I'm done with you

we've gone from strangers in the dark

the nighttime glow of excitement 

fingers brushing

faces flushing



now things are different

i hold a warmer hand

i don't look at you the same way

my heart's not racing like before



though i don't long for our previous intimacy

the kisses and warmth are forever gone

i miss you achingly

our late night evening conversations without hearts rushing



the care we shared for each other was pure

although the heat is gone

i did this to myself

i lost a best friend

My nervous heart thumps and nearly leaps out of my shaking chest and
Tremors can just keep continuing on forever enough to the point
Where it cannot be made into something beautiful and precious and the tears
Come in the wrong **** place and there's no where to hide
Can I hug my knees?
Because we're all stupidly pitted against each other, we always have been
Since the beginning of time
Curiosity may be what killed the cat
But anxiety brought it back to its miserable life

sometimes i feel so aching inside

and grab a delicate treat

i eat it and it is very delicious 

but this aching only comes ever so often

i think it's supposed to be more apparent

i only partake of treats and delicacies when i am aching inside

and this is beginning to show

am i fine?

every little movement

set my heart on fire

don't ask me to prove it

don't color me a liar

my heart is in two

she doesn't control her actions

you might be asking who

my answer isn't a satisfaction

we could be so close to each other

if it wasn't for my icy frame

maybe she'll yell for another

and i'll be consumed by the flame

sometimes i look into your clear brown eyes and

wish you would like my pasty ones

but even though you've never clarified my deeply rooted knowledge

i know you agree with me, the flowers spurting from my mouth coated with a red, metallic taste

knowing this taste will not go away,

i blame myself

you were forbidden to eat,

yet one look at your crisp red skin sent me into ecstasy

instead of sinking my teeth into your imagined taste like i was tempted to,

i instead took the role of protecting my dear ones from your poison

this task made me keen and aware to your attempts,

of emulating a sweet apple for them and i to eat

despite the graceful attempts to resist tasting you,

i did take a careful bite

only to find out,

you weren't the poison everyone had warned me about

i looked you up

you're the perfect match

our personalities fit so perfectly 

please be my best friend

we can be the stars

of our own reality show

just please hug me

and never let go

we are the deadly ivy

leaves of three

and i know we can try, i see it in your eyes

we can be more than you realize

i see you're putting some brick walls up

it will never be enough

but all i see are galaxies 

and though it hurts

and burns and burns

it will all make sense again

falling is all i can do

simple words are being said

the plain, brittle truth

forget about the plain girl he thinks

or so he acts

riling up in my throat is the metallic taste of blood

i can taste daisies, roses, and all sorts of blossoms

he is only slightly aware

sighing causes the petals to float out

and i hide my ink markings in shame

does he call me out?

or even think my name?

i walk with you along the bright blue ocean, holding your hand in mine

our hands shyly brushing and creating sparks, letting our fingers intertwine

you talk passionately, and i listen, because i love to hear you speak 

but your strong presence enlightens me, and does not make me feel weak

you kiss me on the rocks, and i feel my heart leap and soar

as we lay together on the sand, i really could not ask for more

hearing you speak makes me cry
because i can't tell if it's another lie
the words that exist your mouth are fake
well spoken words make a nice template
your mouth shouts, "have a nice day!"
but your eyes tell me, "it's all for display!"
someday i hope everyone opens their eyes
to see you without all your lies

my hands clutch the entirety of the earth

a globe of green and blue

my fingers are cupped

and they are kept up

the ocean and lands know of my worth

this is my job to do

but

however i smile and stand with might

i am scared to fall away

but my legs will shake

and the earth will quake

if i am afraid that i don't have the right

how can i save the day?

he is the autumn leaves and blueberry cake and sunshine

he is the gentle rain and purple night

he smells like grass and warmth

he tastes like coffee bean but 

i taste of nothing 

i smell like nothing

i am nothing

you can't fall in love with a corpse

so you breathe life into a blank skull

one full of wonder and sunshine light

placed delicately upon shoulders

that have mastered every pain

the arms come next

chiseled and carved with attention

soon after follows the chest and torso

which were crafted with care and restrain

legs are after this heinous track

built tall and long and with no regret

the taste of being in love

will follow there sometime

don't get too close

he is the boy with the tousled hair

and the calculating gleam in his eyes

letting people in for him is quite rare

he is not perfect but he really tries



she is the girl with the soft subtle smile

with a pencil often behind her ear

she trusted too easily for a while

her heart is only displayed for those dear



together, a puzzle, they fit quite well

for her, his exterior melts away

he helps to get the girl out of her shell 

it's lovely, even if it's kind of cliché



cold and warm and their hands are intertwined 

they are not the same, they are their own kind

brilliant
the fluorescent light reflects off of my glass hands
shimmering
your glowing personage dims my tiny lamp
marvelous
my pale yellow light could never begin to compare
sparkling
you are the sun, outshining every planet and star
beautiful
you deserve the world, but I can only give you the moon
incomparable

golden brown leaves fall delicately from a tree
warm hands pointing at fluffy white clouds
the feeling of back against the grassy ground
fluttering hearts and long, drawn-out whispers
secrets spilled in the dead of night
trust is a dangerous chemical
and I have given you all of it

The feeling of the pencil in my hand scratching against paper wasn't familiar but i liked it

The pencil accidentally stabs a cut into the skin of my hand and i cry out in pain

I can feel the pencil rolling away from my hand and the paper

I squeeze the skin together, trying to close up the scratch

Funny how quickly life can change in an instant

letters and exchanged numbers

folded so carefully

they're hidden but there as anyone could envision

she has never felt more nervous

yet at ease

and she doesn't talk to him much

but she can see the walls are up

what will it take for her to let him in?

or him to let her?

it felt so wrong

but she simply had to exist

feelings were all over the place

disaster struck 

simply denying was not enough

all she did was smile

which sent

hearts racing

it felt so wrong

depriving

sick

twisted

she didn't notice

it felt right

(that's a lie)

golden sunlight shines down on the white sand

glaring onto our backs, freshly rubbed with sunscreen

you just jumped out of the ocean, your hair glistening with seasalt

i was never a fan of the water

but you get me to try new things

smiling in my sundress, i look over my book at your face

your eyes are scrunched as you take a bite out of your sandwich

that you crafted so experimentally yourself

i return my gaze to the pages and you put your arm around me

looking back at you makes me realize how lucky i am

through the glass window

all i see is your back

is there any chance?

or am i just fancying ideas in my head?

simple words is all they were

they didn't need to be more

yet i wanted more

i wanted you to love me

i wanted you to push aside 

the facts, the cold truth

that you don't even know me

but i know you

i see through your facade 

i want you

the real you without a mask 

we can't all get what we want

he is quite the experimentalist

he always tries something new

his brains spends hours clocking away

for his big, warm heart

that he has spent years blocking up



she is quite the bookworm

she always stays indoors if she can

her brains are sitting cozily working a puzzle

for her bruised, broken heart

that she tries not to show



they are quite the match

his smile glows and her eyes sparkle

he is still careful but he shows her a softer side

she is still hurt but she feels like she can heal with him

as awkward and new and fresh that it may be

they are both trying their best

you're not quite the thing in the storybook

i would say quite more beautiful

but you, however much

i blame you

i know hope festered because of me

you opened a door that's been shut too many times

and i let you in

how could i be so utterly foolish?

i'm a monster.

a moonlit path wasn't easy to see
the gentle steps were a coincidence
it smelled of alcohol and danger
footsteps continue to trail on
the alcohol wasn't burning nor blinding
more like a simple wine
bittersweet to taste
the danger was the kind that saved one's life
and no one could mistake
the cool night air
enfolding and protecting, this evening truly was
there was a reason
the night gave me a reason
as for the eve's very own dim light
the sun will always come back up in the morning

talking is bright and hurts my eyes

loud and a piercing white

the sound of water hitting a palm

a pen scratching out words



the touch of the world spinning on my finger

why aren't they all falling down?



the colors are all starting to fade

the walls are forcing themselves in



the pressure can't do anything

at least, that's what i tell myself

Autumn leaves begin to tumble 

The messy look makes me feel humble

It's not the prettiest sight

Yet it feels so right

People drain me and make me tired

Yet you make me feel so admired

I'm always blue

But never with you

what the hell am i?

a colorful mess of sin and shame

the colors make me feel alright

red is the shade of power and strength 

orange light gleams creativity and art

yellow is the tone of excitement and joy

green shimmers liveliness and health

blue is the hue of intelligence and serenity

violet can glow kindness and loyalty

i am a rainbow :D

the clouds are grey and stormy tonight

i sigh as i let the rain soak into my skin

cold and shivering, i look for a light

there is none and i know i cannot win

i feel the rain pour and it slowly stops

at least in a circle that i am inside

i see an umbrella blocking the drops

and i know he is there with all of his stride

she radiates in a glowing light

sunshine and flower crowns

warm with an able hug

she is the cool wind breeze of spring

the ocean lapping at her feet

fluffy frozen snow is what she is

snowball fights and linking arms

am i sick?

to notice this about her

twisted and utterly horrible

i wish she could just share her warmth with me

so i could feel like a rainbow

shiny and new

but i'm just the long, dark, dirt road

bitter and full of longing

her light is at the end of my path

sweet and savory

ponytails, flannels, blankets, books, braids

my heart can't take the restless pounding

she tastes like cranberries and chocolate cake

i taste of nothing

i am nothing

she is everything

the black sky is speckled with stars that glow

the full moon sheds a dim light on the scene

the night seems alone, but you and i both know

your eyes shine and you smell of coffee bean

the constellations spell out both of us

my small hand is intertwined with yours

you are finally someone i can trust

you have managed to open up my doors

when the summer winds blow through the wood
and the scent of pine is fresh
the orange sun peeks through the foliage
and everything is tranquil

but wait too long and the sun hurts my eyes
it either much too bright in the daytime
or the light is completely gone in the night
so i savor those moments of peace

it is tiring to always cover my eyes in fear of pain
and it is terrifying to be amidst a dark forest
i am deprived and anxious everyday
so i wait for those rare sunrises

because even though i am too beaten down to enjoy the view
these are the only occasions of which no damage is being done
so i bask in the calm glow of the sunrise
bracing myself for my eyes to water

i can talk to the sun, did you know?

he tells me about his day

and each time i walk home, i take a pouch of his light

as a gift of my kindness



this careful young girl walked home 

a spring in my step

then my vision suddenly spots

a sad rain cloud looking at me



frightened and worried she looks

anxious and tactful i am

i pour her the warm sunshine

the contents of my pouch emptied



pipper and bright the cloud looks

she is happy and joyful

her rain has disappeared

she rushes off to join her fluffy friends



i decide to walk home

the spring gone from my step

this careful girl stares into a mirror of time

i will wait for tomorrow's routine

she is wonderful and has the voice of a queen

they are amazing and can speak with power

singing and talent and drawing and talent and acting and talent and writing and talent

talent talent talent

i have none of that special word

but she does

and they do

and that is enough

because she will protect me

and they will comfort me

and i am enough