Here I am again
Locking myself in my bathroom
Trying to be alone when I’m not
New place
New boy
New life

Familiar pain

Pain I still don’t understand
I thought I was making progress
Becoming a better me

But now I’m left feeling unsure
And riddled with thoughts of the
Last time I found refuge in my bathroom
So much has changed since then

But have I even changed

Whenever I think I understand what we are
You always surprise me
Every day I find something new
To love about you.
Every day my perspective of us
Changes
I feel like you open up
Just a little bit more
Every time I see you
And when you do that becomes
The new best moment of my life
Love is learning new things about you
And falling in love with you in a completely
New way
It's like the greatest gifts I have ever received little pieces of you
I am so happily in love with you.

Your car
I think is my favorite place
All black
Purple tinted Windows
Grenade air fresheners hanging from the rest view mirror along with black jumbo fuzzy dice
Radio plugged into your iPhone
Playing my favorite music
Because it's your favorite too...
It's your favorite too.
Eyes focused on the road
One hand on the steering wheel
The other lighting a cigarette
The way you love your music the way
The way you sing those songs that we both no every word too.
How did you know what my favorite song was?
You hardly look at me because your driving
And your so careful
But when you do make a quick glance
I swear my heart skips a beat.
And when you pull over the way you stop
And just look forward and pause
The way your look at me
And so gently put your fingers on my chin
Bring you lips close to me and pause
As if to make sure it's ok
And you look at me
With a face I can not find the words to describe No smile or smirk just passion
Just gentle tenderness and romanticism you kiss me
First so softly just lips
Then more passionately and assertive
Then you just stop and look at me
When you kiss me when you touch me
It doesn't feel ***** or lustful
It's something else i don't know if it's love
Because I don't believe i have ever felt love before
We move fast because your assertive and I love that but...
I'm scared
I'm so scared because I actually feel something
I'm so scared
Because I still know so little about you
We just met
But I want you
It doesn't feel wrong
This is different
As we kiss while I'm on top of you
I'm so hesitant I'm shaking
But you just keep touching me
Slowly at first and then faster
You make me feel wanted
But can I really believe that you care about me? I'm so...
We have never had ***
We have done "things"
But I'm still a ****** to you
I'm not ready
But I don't think I could ever say no to you
But you have never urged me too
You have never mentioned it
Is it just because you don't want to get me pregnant or because you know how scared I am
My Pisces lover
The romance and gentleness
You share with me is what I need
Your cute Eskimo kisses and the way you pinch my nose I feel so much more behind it
I feel like you have been searching for someone to love for someone to give your every thing too just like me.
But I feel like your holding back your feelings
I still don't know much about you
But I know there is so much inside of you locked up that no one has ever seen before
But I want to see it I want to know everything about you...
The scorpion fell in love with the fish
My Pisces lover
I could write books about you

This is a world of my own
In the day the sun kisses your cheek
The cute little frogs speak

The wind Carries you to higher places
This world is covered in beautiful faces
Here is where flowers sing songs
Capable of righting all wrongs

Here you are my God
And I am your goddess
Our world is engulfed in bliss

This world is full of our children
Sorrow is forbidden
In this world I am capable of flight
I am weightless in your sight

Your are my king
Accept me as your queen
This is how it was supposed to be
They look up to you and me

the world will stop when we kiss
Let's show them what true love is

The problem with beauty
Is that it's never enough
No matter how lovely
How wonderful
How mindblowingly
Beautiful you are
It's never enough...

Never enough to be satisfied.

I can always count on that blue sky
you have helped through things all my life
you have healed immense wounds
that pierced through my heart like a knife

when nothing seems to go my way
you are always there on a sunny day
when I feel as if I have lost all my might
you always make me feel like its alright

your beauty is known throughout the world
you warm the heart of every boy and girl
your always there to watch over us all
and you never ask anything of us at after all

maybe I love blue skies
because it reminds me of Tori's eyes
my poor deceased sister
lord knows how much I miss her

whenever the world has done me wrong
you were always there all along
as long as your above me I have no fright
when the sky is blue I'll be alright

Dear daddy,
Do you remember me anymore?
Of course you do because you still curse my name to my mother.
Do you know I'm here
Right in the next room?
Because you pretend I'm not
Even here
Like I am just a ghost who's
Aura pollutes the air.
Since summer I have not been blessed with your recognition.
I never new your neglect could ever affect me like this.

Do you ever think about me anymore
The little girl you once adored
I never thought that the man he swore would die for me could go on living with out me so easily.
Every time I hear you come through the door its send piercing spears through my heart. When I think of how you used to ask me how my day was at school was every day it makes me feel like nothing.

After so many countless attempted apologies. Notes letters gifts and pleas' I have lost all hope that you will ever care for me. Do you care that it's hurts every time I think of you or when my family and friends ask me about you. Do you care that every time I see you walk past me I want to collapse. Do you care that more and more every night I cry and cry endlessly for you.

After so much time I am not angry anymore. I am just so heartbroken and lost. I just want to talk to you again. I just want you to hug me again I just want to see you smile for me again. I just miss my daddy so much. I don't understand what I did to make you despise me so much. I don't feel like things will ever be the same between us. Will you ever talk to me again? Daddy! Daddy please...

I have never met someone who has had similar experiences
I am sure they are out there
I feel so deeply that they mean something
but then i have my doubts
my dreams stay with me
even after the details fade
the feelings burn holes into my soul
The soul is something so deep
so protected
so untouchable
dreams penetrate directly to my soul
I fear it because I cant even reach my soul
I cant touch it
cant control it
cant protect it
thats why they are so confusing
sometimes I have dreams that appear to play out my most needed fantasies
other times
They toy with my deepest fears and guilts in ways i have never imagined them before
some times i can steer them a different path as the night goes on

other times I am left with an evil menacing weighted fear
these nights i quickly forget what happened
but my soul takes days to recover

what is it?
is it me controlling this?
is it those who have passed trying to reach me?
is it demons toying with my soul before they finally steal it?

is it all three

what is this

I check for a notification
It's just an observation
But none is there
that makes me want to pull out my hair
So please one little click away
And surely it will make my day.

She smiles at birds and children as she passes by with content and love in her eyes
I think for a moment
All her pain and worry for the future
Is farther away than those birds can fly
It’s as non existent as it is to a child’s heart
I think for a moment
She is present in a world that I have never traversed
Moments like these
Are instances where beauty has won
I wonder what it takes to win a heart like hers

The day you disappeared I happened to skip school
I often wonder what it would have been like
if I found out over the intercom at school
and not through the phone calls in my bedroom
i wonder what it would have sounded like
I wonder how they said it
I wonder how people in my home room would have reacted
they were all freshman who probably didnt know you
I wonder if it might have brought me closer to cry with others
or if would have made me angry to see people to pretend to be sad for attention
I think maybe it was better to be alone
but I feel like I am always alone
now more than ever
All my friends that knew you
are gone now
they dont care about me anymore
did they forget about you too
after over a year
the world keeps going
unaffected by you or me
but does anyone know
how thoughts of you still hurt me
does anyone know i still miss you more than anything
does anyone know I still have nightmares
does anyone know I still text you on twitter
does anyone know I still cry when everyone is asleep
does anyone know I am still angry at you
does anyone know I still hate you for what you did
does anyone know know that i still have dreams that feel so real that i forget your not alive and you feel so close to me but I wake up and i am scared and remember your so far away and i can never really talk to you about any of this.
does anyone still do this too
because I feel so alone.
no one that I know now knows about you
did I even know you
how could I wake up one morning and you were just gone
will I ever feel better

How can the only friend who has never abandoned you in your life, Abandon you in death. People and friendships was something I thought I didnt care about, but that was because I always had him. But now he is dead and my Pride and strong will to be myself has faded along the way. Be yourself and be kind and friends will surely be made. But what if I dont know who I am and who I am is everything I hate. And kindness turns to sadness and sadness is turning into anger and that scares me. What does it take for me to love myself. What does it take for someone to care. what does it take for someone to stick around and stay alive. What does it take for me to tell the truth when teachers ask how I am doing. I am scared of people knowing, but what does it take until I cant hide it anymore.

How do I write when the pages are shred
and your engraved in my head
How do I write when your words are stuck in my brain
And all I hear is the thumping rain

you were my inspiration
But now you are my devastation
You stop the scratch of my pen
Because I'm thinking of what could have been

Have you no remorse?
your love is my curse
How do I write something new
When all I think of is you

I think it's real
When your so happy
And content that when
You normally want to
Tell the world about him

Your at a loss for words...

You just want to lay in bed
Close your eyes
Squeeze your pillow
And rerun every memory
Every moment of him
Over and over
Inside your head
Until you fall asleep

I think it's real
When you don't feel
Like boasting about it
Because every time
I wanted to
It was to convince myself
Not others
That I was surely in love

But I think it's real
Because I don't love you yet
You don't love me yet
But I'm happier than I have
Ever been...

Every single time I see you
I learn so much more about you
And I have never felt more alive

Go ahead
Ignore me
See how much
I really don't care
I don't care as much as
Ariel doesn't care about the land
I don't care as much as
Momma bear doesn't care for he Cubs
I don't care as much as
Lincoln didn't care about slavery
But with these examples
I guess you could say
I DO care
I care a lot more
Than you could ever comprehend

I just want to cry
Every time
I look in the mirror
And see my thighs touch

I just want to cry
Every time
I lay down
And see my fat rolls hang off my body

I just want to cry
Every time
I walk
And my legs jiggle and run together

I just want to cry
Every time
I sit down
And my stomach folds over my jeans

I just want to cry
Every time
He says he loves my body
Because I wish I did too

I lay down in my bed
It's been a long day
I pull my knee's inward
and let out a sigh

I stare at the ring on my finger
the one you gave to me
I hold it and twist it in my fingers
until i have examined every color, every butterfly.

I close my eyes and clench my necklace
I trace the shape of the turtle with my figertips
I feel the silver in my hands
and remember when it was in yours

When I close my eyes a tear runs down my cheek
A tear of joy and sadness
Your sweet memory dances in my mind
Your love pierces through my heart

I miss you, I love you
exhaustion overwhelms me
I am ready to dream of you
Until I finally get to see you

Sweet dreams my love.

I think it’s funny
How sometimes we are so scared
To say I love you
But we are just as scared
To say I don’t love you anymore

I think I would rather feel the fear
Of my love being unrequited
Because if I was afraid
That would mean I would be so in love
That I could barely take it

But I feel like I am always stuck
With
I don’t love you anymore
Nothingness
Passionless
Left doing things I never thought I could do
I used to be scared to be alone
I used to think that I needed that support
But I don’t think I do anymore
The only time it hurts to be alone
Is when I wake from my nightmares
But they usually pass

I feel like I should stay away from everyone
I don’t know what I want
Even when I think I do I don’t
Even when I know I have no idea how to get it
No use in hurting others
But I still do

I crave flirtation and romance
I wish I could trick my brain
To be content with what I have
When everything is perfect and is everything I have been searching for
My heart falls out of love

Why do I believe that I will find the one
Why do I believe in true love
When I break every attempt at it

I just want to be in love and stay that way

In Time
People say
All answers will show one day
We wait

We wait to know
If we got the job
We wait to know
How we did on the test

We wait to know
what we are going to be when we grow up
We wait to know
if are kids are ****** up

I wait to know
If he will leave
Soon enough the answers
Will be revealed to me

In Time

Go ahead and cry
Cry your invisible tears
Feel them glide down your cheek
Feel them collect in your hair

Don't let anyone see them
Don't let them know
Your eyes are just sparkling
Don't let them know
Don't ever let them know

I think my favorite thing
About life
The most beautiful thing
Is being intertwined with you
To lay my head on your chest
To listen To your heart beat
To feel your fingers dance
along my back and hips
To feel your strong
Overworked hands on my shoulder
To feel you squeeze me
And when I look up at you
Your so focused
And innocent looking
And beautiful
God your so beautiful
In every single way
In your arms
Is where I wish to stay

It was my eyes
you claim sparkle in the sun
It was my cheek
you brushed your face against
It was my lips
you stole a kiss
It was my hair
you played with
It was my body
you caressed
It was my heart
you left with.

I have started planning my death.
I have made my decision and I am starting to feel peace
I’ve never been able to make this decision because I have always been to afraid of messing up, or being in pain.
I have always been afraid of the act of it.
But it’s time.
I just have to do it.

It won’t be today
It won’t be tomorrow
In a few months maybe
I will pick a special day

I think I will fly somewhere beautiful
Find the tallest building
And step off.

I will write one letter to everyone and talk in detail why I have chose to do this and apologize.
Then I will have letters for everyone I love individually.
On my bed I will lay out all my paintings and things I want to give away to specific people.
I will label what needs to be done with all my possessions.
I will save as much money as I can and pay off as much debt as I can.
I will try to leave money for my mom.

I have a lot to do.
This is the first time I’m looking forward to anything in a very long time.

It’s almost time to go.

I want to fall in love
I want to look at someone for the first time
And feel it all
I want to feel everything in your eyes so intensively that I can barely lock eyes with for more than a few seconds
I want to feel flutters and chills down my spine every time you say my name
I want to laugh so loud without a care in the world
I want to be scared to loose you
I want to love you so hard that I can’t help but cry every time I think of you
I want to a love that is worth risking everything for
I want a love where there isn’t a single doubt in my mind how I feel about you.
I just want to feel something so strongly that it could fill me with joy or snap my heart In half and shatter my whole world.
I want a love so heavy that I loose myself just to find myself all over again.
But I’m starting to feel like that’s not real.
Because once again a whole year Later...
I feel numb I feel nothing
Just an occasional flicker of companionship and comfort.
I feel like I am just repeating the same things I have been trying to escape from
But I don’t know how to change.
I don’t know what to do
I just want to be in love...

Everything about you is so confusing
The first time I have really liked someone
The first time I have been so attracted to someone
The first time that I loved everything about someone
In such a long time
I stay up all night all day looking at your pictures thinking about our next date strategizing how I'm going to make you love me
You turned me into this crazy obsessive person
I think you care about me
But I'm so afraid
I have been hurt so many times
Do you really care about getting to know me
Or do you really just want to get a lay.
You do cute suddle things that make me think your sentimental but only physical things.
You hardly look at me and when you do it's my lips and not my eyes. So many times you seem
Uninterested and your responses are so short.
I think maybe your shy but you certainly don't hesitate to take my clothes off.
But it's been over a month and we have not had ***. You are the one who asked me to be your girlfriend you spend so much money on me
And drive really far to get me
But we only see each other once a week
And lately you always want to leave early usually after you get off.
I still feel like I don't know you
And I don't know how
I'm attracted to you
And I want to feel your touch
But I don't want to give it all away
To a boy who doesn't deserve it.
I wish you didn't scare me

I wish I could sleep
But my mind is racing
With beautiful thoughts
Of you

Oh how I wish those thoughts
Would turn into beautiful
Dreams of you
So I could finally get some rest

But that would be to good to be true

Long flowing hair
Curls perfectly round
Beautiful sparkling green eyes
Long thin legs
White perfect smile
Outstanding talent
She can sing
She can't paint
She can act
She can dance
She is friendly
She is smart
She has everything
She has nothing
Women hate her
Jealousy consumes her friends
Men's lust over ride their brains
They can't help but fall in love
She is given titles she doesn't deserve
She is a ***** a **** a dirtywhore
Because she's pretty
But all she wants is a friend
She wants to fit in
She just wants to be like everyone else
She cries because she is lonely
She knows she should feel lucky
But she still strives to be perfect
Even when people hate her for it
Because she feels like its all she has
No one is like her
She has no where to belong

Let the pain go
Let your beauty show
Then they will all know
What mistake they made
When they let your friendship fade.

Why do I try so hard to be alone
In drunken moments like this
When majority of my sadness
Is caused by loneliness

"The sadness consumed me.
It was all I could see.
She was the light that kept the shadows out of my room.
She was the warrior that would slay any demon
that tried to corrupt my heart.
But now they have all come for me.
Now they have stolen my innocence.
Now I am lost left to hate this life I have been dealt.
This is no longer a life".

I think we chase after money
Because it’s one of the only things we can control
We own it
It’s ours
We use it when we want to
And spend it on what we want
We get it however we choose
It’s a solid goal
I think we want money because we are so ****** up lonely and sad
We need something to distract us
We feel like we just need to reach our goals
And somehow things will get better
But that’s not true
Nothing is true

Once as a little girl
I dreamed of a man
Even at 7 years old
I dreamed of a man
Not a boy
I never dream of boys
I dreamed of a man that
Never stopped smiling
I dreamed of a man
That was intoxicating
He drew me in with every
Sparkle in his eye
With every word he spoke
When I was near
I just needed
To feel his skin
I needed to bathe
In his warmth
All I see is his face
His torso and Hands
And his hair
The Sun was blinding
He was all I could see
The way the Sun sparkled
Off of his long blond hair
The way the Sun danced
On his skin
The way he held out his hand...
He held out his hand
For me...
For me.
I just needed to take it
I needed to get close enough
To hear his sweet words
I needed to hear his laugh
I need him.

I dreamed of him for years
I still dream of him
And only of him
I search for him when
I'm awake
I sleep just to see him

My friends say I need a man
But I have my man
They set me up on dates
With their "men"
But I see only boys
Horrible mean boys
Careless depressing boys
Boys that just want
What they want Boys
Who play with hearts
Like its an art
Disgusting boys.

I don't need Boys...
I only need my man
My man that carries me
My man with the longest
Blond hair
My man
With the sweetest touch
My man

I feel like I'm just hiding behind my face
And I'm just dreaming
Of what it's like to not be an outsider

He walks confidently
But not for me...

He flips his long pefect hair
But not for me...

He plays his guitar
But not for me...

He smiles
But never for me.

I am not the girl he dreams of at night
I am not the girl he longs to speak to
I am not the girl that makes him sweat
I am not the girl that he craves to bed with

I am not anything to him
Not like she is

Your eyes are the most beautiful
That I have ever seen
They blue like the sky on the brightest day
But the sky is a not always blue
It turns to grey to black
The blue fades every day
But your eyes
They always stay bright and blue
I'm in love with you

Your hair is the most majestic
That I have ever seen
Its as bright as the Sun.
But the Sun doesn't always shine
Some times it hides in the clouds
It fades every night
But your hair it always shines
It never hides
Not like the Sun
I'm in love you

The most beautiful man I have
Dreamed of I love you

I still remember those days
In between classes around noon
I would go to Wendy’s
Order the same meal I have had dozens of times before
I would drive acrcoss the street and park in furniture fairs parking lot
I would briefly think
Who actually goes in there?
Their parking lot seems more used than the store
Then I would put on a YouTube video to watch lay the phone propped up against the speedometer in the middle of the dashboard of my Scion
I would unwrap my sandwich and look over at the cars of the people beside me doing the same thing.
Alone in our cars we would eat and occasionally share glances at each other
Even though others would laugh when I told them this and say it was sad it brought me comfort
I guess knowing those people were just as alone as I was made me feel better
I often wondered about their lives
What led them to this partially shared moment
Today I am humbled by this memory
I have found myself alone in my car in a parking lot again
Left to think about my life
I still no as little about what I am doing with my life maybe even less as I was then
This used to be my most honest place of confession
My silent cry for help
But in a false sense of perceives newly found strength
I thought I could share it with others
Now I deeply regret
How I have even ruined that for myself
I have never known secrets that I needed to keep, not wanted to keep.
I wonder where those people are now
I wonder if they ever find themselves in a parking lot wondering about me.