It’s coming
The time of year that I just seem to disappear
But it’s not that simple
It’s heavy
It’s suffocating
It’s uncomfortable
It’s persistent
It’s just something I can’t escape

I’m so tired
But I can’t sleep
When I do sleep
My dreams are so cruel
They keep me up

It’s that time of year that I’m reminded
That I always find myself in such a horrible place
But I desperately tell myself to just keep going
Just keep trying
It has to end at some point right?
It has too.

It does until it doesn’t.
I really wish someone could just wake me up
When September ends

I have started planning my death.
I have made my decision and I am starting to feel peace
I’ve never been able to make this decision because I have always been to afraid of messing up, or being in pain.
I have always been afraid of the act of it.
But it’s time.
I just have to do it.

It won’t be today
It won’t be tomorrow
In a few months maybe
I will pick a special day

I think I will fly somewhere beautiful
Find the tallest building
And step off.

I will write one letter to everyone and talk in detail why I have chose to do this and apologize.
Then I will have letters for everyone I love individually.
On my bed I will lay out all my paintings and things I want to give away to specific people.
I will label what needs to be done with all my possessions.
I will save as much money as I can and pay off as much debt as I can.
I will try to leave money for my mom.

I have a lot to do.
This is the first time I’m looking forward to anything in a very long time.

It’s almost time to go.

Everyone always tells me how strong I am
I have been through so much
I’m so wise beyond my years
Like it’s a good thing
The best thing you can be

But I don’t want that
I don’t want to be strong
That just means I’m in pain
I’m always in pain
In every way I can be

I’m so tired I don’t want this anymore
I don’t want to be here

I just want my best friend back
I just want a family
I just want to be healthy

I just really don’t ******* want to be here anymore
But I can’t bring myself to end it.
I just can’t

Nightmares are like a trap
First you enjoy the details
The vividness
They play on your romantic side
But then
They turn into
A twisted reality
It happens slowly but fast all in the same
It’s too real to be real
The trap distorts further and further
Until you don’t know who you are anymore
Then you wake up
But it’s too late
Your left alone
Feeling alone but like there is some other presence over you
Your left
You can’t shake it
Can’t understand it
It just hurts

I’m left to wake with only thoughts
Of that kiss
Thoughts of that man
Thoughts of that night
I night filled with passionate conversation
So full bodied my voice is hoarse
Smile so big and so constant I wake
With sore cheeks
And excitement so pure
My hands still shake and my soul
Still flutters
Finally I feel something
I could cry with how happy I am
To feel love again
Is this love though?
Atleast the start of it?
Or is it just another trick
My brain is playing on me?
No matter
I have no space for that thinking right now
All I can think of is
His adorably round glasses
The curls in his hair
The sweet kind Adventure in his eyes
The shape of his lips
His subtle compliments that he slips in perfectly to make my soul flutter but not embarrass me too much.
The way he laughs at the things I mutter. The gentleman acts he displays.
Most of all that last moment we spent together
The first time I have ever kissed someone outside of a car on the first date that was warmed and sweet longer than it should and ******* hot. The way he held me the way is shoulders shoulders felt. His smell..
I’m ecstatic to explore that more but I don’t feel rushed too
Even if this ends in tragedy
I welcome it
I welcome it a thousand times
Because at-least then I know it is real
And I’m so grateful to be feeling this now

I think it’s funny
How sometimes we are so scared
To say I love you
But we are just as scared
To say I don’t love you anymore

I think I would rather feel the fear
Of my love being unrequited
Because if I was afraid
That would mean I would be so in love
That I could barely take it

But I feel like I am always stuck
With
I don’t love you anymore
Nothingness
Passionless
Left doing things I never thought I could do
I used to be scared to be alone
I used to think that I needed that support
But I don’t think I do anymore
The only time it hurts to be alone
Is when I wake from my nightmares
But they usually pass

I feel like I should stay away from everyone
I don’t know what I want
Even when I think I do I don’t
Even when I know I have no idea how to get it
No use in hurting others
But I still do

I crave flirtation and romance
I wish I could trick my brain
To be content with what I have
When everything is perfect and is everything I have been searching for
My heart falls out of love

Why do I believe that I will find the one
Why do I believe in true love
When I break every attempt at it

I just want to be in love and stay that way