tw self harm



I want to take the blade to my wrist again
I’ve been... I’ve been doing so well...
But something in my heart
In my stomach, in my chest
Something in my mind isn’t right
I really need someone to take care of me
So... I guess this is it...
Taking the blade to my wrist again
Just so I can bandage it
Because I know
No one else will

Stay alive
Another day
To drink away
Another night

Sobriety is overrated
I like it when my head spins
I like a little loss of control
I like intoxication

Ya know... if I just keep dumping
More alcohol down my throat
I start to forget
I forget I don’t like living
I forget I don’t want to be alive
I forget everybody hates me
Because I’ve put so much poison into myself
I can’t even think

My head’s so **** fuzzy
My skin is hot
Room spinning just enough
I’d take three more shots if I could
If you offer it, I’ll drink it
I’ve the makings of an addict
I know
But I’ll be fine
I’ll just keep drinking
You keep pretending it’s fine
It’ll be great
I’ll feel like living
You’ll think I’m fine
We’re good

One of these days
I’ll wear my scars
I won’t hide them
Because they’re a part of me now
Maybe I need to spend less time
Waiting for them to disappear
And more time
Learning to make peace with them

No one tells you
That loneliness hurts
That you can feel emptiness
That your heart can physically ache
They don’t explain to you
That your body knows you’re alone
It hurts more than you can describe
It burns until you can’t take it
But by that point
You’re a freak
You’re so far gone
No one will want you
You’re broken now
You’re damaged goods
So the only antidote to the poison
Of being all alone
Is pushed further and further out of reach
The longer you suffer

I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve
But I wrote a story on my wrist
Maybe someday I’ll let you read it
But first, you need to prove to me
You know that’s not my only story

tw self harm



My wrists burn
Like steam that must be released

I can do it
I can let it out
I can stop it
I can stop it all!!!




But no.

I’m not supposed to do that

I’ll have to tell my counselor

I’ll have to hide more scars


So... I guess I just have to sit here
Wait until I can feel the pills working
And let the steam build under my skin
Burning, yearning to be set free
Oh what a lovely sight...
To watch
The garnet droplets
As they pool on my pale skin
And with every stroke of the blade
I want to drive it deeper

I just want to throw all the ******* pills
Out of the ******* window
But they’re the only things keeping me sane enough
To not slit my wrist open tonight

I could do it.

I have no concern for myself anymore
The only thing that keeps my heart beating
Is knowing that if it stopped
It would break yours

Stop asking what’s wrong
You can’t help
Nothing can be done
You’ll just get upset
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m ******* FINE

Do you want to know why I’m like this?
Do you really want to know what’s wrong?
The problem is you.
It’s all of you.
This is what happens
When you abandon your friends
When you ignore the people around you
When you take advantage of your family

People aren’t designed for that
Humans require community
And as I watch you all
Finding ways to love each other
I sit in quiet jealousy
To not make you feel shame

But to tell you the truth
I’m dying
Depression is eating away at my soul
I can’t survive alone
Not much longer
Not like this

My eyes are cold
Heartbeat steady and slow
Breath even
I am still
Everything in me is numb
There’s no feeling
No empathy
No concern
Apathy controls me

I’d give anything
To feel something
Because right now
I’m not alive
And I don’t know
How to wake up

On my lips
On my tongue
In my veins
In my brain
Indulge tonight in a cheap moscato
Something sweet and intoxicating
Why do I keep wishing I had more...?

I just wanna keep drinking cause it feels good
It helps
And I know in the morning it’ll all **** again
But right now
Right now I’d just really like to be a lot less sober than I am

There’s a little bliss in this bottle
It’s hiding near the bottom
If I just... if I just keep drinking
Maybe I can find it...

I’m really tired of existing

It’s nasty work
With no reward
I feel like ****
And I’m just tired...
Tired of it all...

Do you ever just have those moments
When your heart turns black and rots
Your mind gets high on the angst
The suffering is all you need
And you want it... more of it
Listen to gruesome, terrible songs
Sounds of screaming and pain
Loss and grief wrap you like a blanket
It hurts but you’re at home
It’s dangerous but you feel safe
And then the moments come more often
Blurring into days... weeks...
Until you’ve lived in your agony for months
Begging for something more
Tell me a story
Tell me of death and tragedy
Tell me of self destruction
It’s addicting to me

Wouldn’t it be nice
If my anxiety
Could just
Leave me
The ****
Alone.

No drinks, no pills
Just earbuds in LOUD
And... I’m happy
I’m enjoying it
I’m enjoying something again...
It’s... it’s been so long...
Tonight I feel like I might just be okay

I want to tell you
What’s in my head
This entire other world
The constant droning of voices
The screaming and thrashing within

But if I did
If I did...

You’d never look at me the same
I’d be broken to you
Damaged

I know that I am...
But I just...
I can’t let you see me like that

When I’m around you
I feel restricted
I’m tethered to your needs
I’m not myself when you’re around
Your happiness makes me sick
But promises you’ll be docile a bit longer

You have trained me
Groomed me
Into whatever little creature you wanted
I am exactly what you want
When you’re around
And that’s why
You will never know me
You don’t deserve to know your daughter
Not when you’ve done this to her
You’ve imprisoned her
Locked away everything that belonged to her
Pried open every innocent secret
Assuming malice
She never knew privacy
Except within her own head
So now, that’s where she lives
She’s trapped
And it’s your ******* fault

I’m in desperate need
Of someone who
Can see the scars on my wrist
And still want to hold my hand

I can’t keep living for my next escape

But people seem rather upset when I consider dying

I don’t want to be sober
I’d give anything to get out of my head

How is it
That just about anyone
Can get just about anything
Except me
I’d take anything
And I have nothing

Of course I’m serene
My demeanor is quiet
I’m calm
Because inside
If you could hear inside my head
You’d find endless screaming
Guttural, agonized
Chaotic

So if you want me to function
This is what you get
I’ll stuff my demons inside
And present what I can
But don’t get me wrong,
Most of my energy is spent
Keeping them at bay

I’m pretty sure I’m actually a nuisance, and the few people who bother to let me stay around would prefer to not have me

If you all would just leave me alone
Just give me the bottles
You know you won’t drink them anyway
Let me lock myself away
To be drunk and maybe suffer a little less
I’ll promise not to die
I just.... I just really need to not be sober right now

It’s just me.

They’re all fine on their own
Maybe better off
They all have each other
Loved ones
People who care
But they can’t care for me
Because they don’t know me
And if they did
They’d finally know
I’m not one of them

Why am I like this

I’m attracted to poison

If it could hurt me, I want it

I’ll crave it

Desire will burn in my veins

Because I need it

Something deadly

Something toxic in my blood

Just... just let me try it...

It’s getting bad again
I know because I’m enjoying it
When the darkness is exciting
Bad decisions are thrilling
Mistakes are cheap
Cause the value of my life
Is rapidly decreasing

Aren’t love stories depressing?
I don’t want to know how happy you are
I don’t want to watch you kiss
Because every second I remember
That practically everyone can find love
But I am amongst the few
The lonely.

Two decades I’ve been on this earth
And never once have I been chosen
Never once held by a lover
Never kissed
And truly...
I’m glad you’ve all figured it out
Because I’d pity anyone who felt like me

I’m glad you’re not alone
But I am.
And I’m trying to figure out
How I’m supposed to live with that

Probably won’t help
But I’d absolutely love
To find out how much of that bottle
I could swallow
Before someone notices

I’m so ******* alone.

tw self harm



I’d forgotten
What it felt like
How I reacted
What it looked like
As the droplets of blood gathered
In the lines I’d drawn in
The sound of flesh breaking
As I swiftly pull the blade through
I forgot how much it hurt when it was over
The relentless pain beneath the bandage

But I’d gotten curious
My heart was growing numb
And I wanted to see if it still worked
The rush of exhilaration
The shock of realizing what I’ve done
I found it again
A kind of relief

Laying down with a clear head
No drinks, no extra pills
Just eyes full of tears
Heart painfully yearning
And my stomach empty... again

The pills work great
I still kinda want to cut myself
But I’ll fall asleep before I can unsheathe the knife
They make my brain all fuzzy....
And I breathe nice and slow
My heart rate is gentle, steady
Like I can feel my blood pumping smoothly, slowly
And I’ll feel like this tomorrow
But I’ll ignore it
Take some more pills
And I guess that’s life now
Sedated and aching

Frankly,

All I really want is to drink myself to death.

You wanted me to “feel better”
I do feel better
After popping a few pills
It’s not Xanax, but it’ll do
I feel it slowing me down...
My eyelids grow heavy......
Why am I always wondering
What’s my limit?
What happens if I take a few more....?
I know... I know I just want to abuse something
And if it’s myself, even better

It’s still surreal
I can’t believe it
I... I did this
God... what have I done?
Why am I covered in lines?
Marks of illness and self hatred
Truly, I loathe few things more
Because I see all of me
And you should stay away
I will destroy what’s close
As long as I get a thrill

tw self harm



My skin is decorated in scars
Adorned with marks
Of battles lost
Nights surrendered
To the blade

Each night they come to me
The thoughts
Temptations
Don’t you wanna see it again??
Don’t you wanna watch yourself bleed?
And I just...
I trace the scars along my wrist
Along my thigh
And remember the weight
Each and every line a burden
Something I have to carry
And if I have any fight left in me
I won’t make it heavier
For myself to carry tomorrow

I feel dangerous
Hatred, anger, adrenaline
Racing through me
Maybe I’ll take some pills
And have a drink
Just for fun
Let’s see.

Awaking from my self-induced daze
I wasn’t careful
Too much wine
Not enough food
Not enough water
And to my stupid surprise
My head aches
I feel ill
I just want to lay in bed
Part of me is begging not to do it again
But another is begging for more

I drink desperately
I take the bottle, the glass
And I pour.... and keep pouring
Because I’m running
I need to get away from myself
I want so far from my head
I drink fast and deep
I want to feel it now
Keep going to feel...
I just want alcohol in my veins
I don’t want to feel anything else
I wanna be dizzy
And just for once
I wanna be happy

I did it again....

You don’t need all those chemicals
You can feel them can’t you?
Heart rate picking up speed
Anxiety growing in your gut
You shouldn’t have done that
You know better
You know this is how you get worse
This is how you get bad
This is where you go wrong
When your hands are shaking
Heart racing
And you start to remember...

I remember....
I used to love this
I love this.

Pour poison into my veins
I wanna watch the ceiling spin
And the ground sway
Just pour... and pour... and pour....
Please.... please don’t stop
I just want more
I need more
Please, just one more time....
Let me lose it