I don’t want this
I don’t want to live
I don’t want to be sober
I don’t want to be clean
I don’t want to be responsible
I don’t want to take care of myself

I want to destroy myself
I want to get out of my head
I want to make the room spin
I want to starve
I want to drown
I want to bleed

I can’t enjoy my life
I can’t live
I can’t even suffer right

At what point do you finally give up?
When can you say you’ve had enough?
When nothing ever goes right,
Why bother to keep going?

Again? Really??
As soon as there’s a glimmer of ******* hope
The universe gives me some reminder
That things can always be worse
That happiness will always be stolen
That solace is fleeting
That comfort will betray me
That I will be wounded
Again and again and again
I will never be given time to heal
Before the next blow lands
My living Hell

Don’t listen to them
Nothing gets better
Life only gets worse
Running from disaster to disaster
Everything is ******* futile
You’ll never get anywhere
And if you do, it’ll be worse than where you began

This is the conspiracy
The world against me.

tw self harm


Blood all over
I’m glad
I’m content
Satisfied
It’s only right when I’m wounded
Relapse was inevitable
I don’t even feel guilty...
I just want more....

tw self harm


Ha... I’m bleeding
Once again
I can’t even feel it
Should it hurt?
Have I gone numb?

Ah... there we go...
A bit of sting....
And the red....
All that red....
I just.... I wanna open it
I want it open.... flowing
I want the blood out of me
I want it out!!

Depression crawls into my head
I try to lie down
To quiet the chaos
It gets louder
Demanding to be noticed
My stomach turns
My head aches
My hand reaches for the blade....
I don’t want new scars
I do not want new scars
I DO NOT

One more time
Would you say that again?
Please?
Tell me.
Tell me I’m beautiful.
Tell me how much you want me.
It’s... it’s lovely
It’s intoxicating.
And I’m an addict.

That’s it
That’s what I wanted
That’s what I’ve been looking for
You’ve got me so high...
I realize how dangerous a drug this is...
This game I’m playing...
How do I stick to my beliefs
When you just make me want more...?
I want you to hold me
And don’t you dare let go.

I’m just an addict
I let you become my drug
My high, my fix
I needed you
You wove yourself into my brain
You coursed through my veins
I just wanted more of you
And I knew I’d hit my limit.
You made sure I knew
But I wanted more

Then you left

You left me broken
Weeping
Weak and shaking
Desperate for just a little bit more
Anything to ease the pain
Of this withdrawal

You changed me
You rewired me
You left your essence in my brain
And I can’t get you the hell out

You cut me off
And I still haven’t decided
If that was for my own good
Or a cruel necessity to save yourself
But I guess all I can do now
Is try to get you out of my system

You always hear about the highs
The addicts, the junkies
Begging for a fix
Their next high on their mind

But I... I seem to have another problem
Though, don’t get me wrong
I know I’d easily find myself
Enslaved to chemicals
If ever anyone offered them to me

I am one addicted to the lows
Begging to hurt again
A *******
Finding solace and comfort in pain
Deeply needing to suffer

I search for it
I long for it
I allow my mind to dwell upon it
Because I like it
I like it when I’m suffering
I like it when I’m in pain
It’s familiar, I know it
This is home.

So it would seem
I am an addict in my own respect
Craving the intimacy of my lover
My intoxicating pain

tw suicidal ideation



My how exciting a thought...
To finish it
In one brave motion
Taking the blade to my wrist
Watching garnet pour from my flesh
Til my head gets dizzy
I feel weak, faint
So I lie and wait
For the embrace of darkness
As consciousness fails me
I finally escape this ****** corpse

Congrats.
You’ve done it.
You know that scar isn’t going to heal.
You went too deep.
You lost control.
You’ll have to live with that.
You now bear the insignia
Of the anguished.

I hate this
I hate what’s happened
I hate what we’ve done
What I’ve done...
I don’t want you to just be some old memory
You’ve meant too much to me
I still feel the sharp pain of your absence
I feel the loss in my heart
The aching in my chest
I feel the guilt in my wrist
Ghost pains of lines that won’t fade
I feel the longing in my throat
As my eyes well with tears
Because you’re not here
And I just... I miss you...
I love you.

I don’t make decisions for me
Because I don’t care
Risks don’t count
I could do anything

But I know better
I know there’s a version of me
Someone who would care
Someday...
It’ll matter to her
I can’t ruin this for her
I can’t destroy everything for her
Because I know what she’s been through
I can’t... I can’t make her pick up my mess...

tw suicidal fantasy



This is the last time
The knife will never again leave its drawer
Not after tonight
Not by my hand

I’ll take it out
Unsheathe the tool of my end
I just... I just wanna...
Hold it against my skin

There will be no restraint
Not this time
I’ll dig it in as deep as I can bear
Tear a horrible **** in my arm

I wanna feel the agony
Watch myself bleed out
Until it gets foggy
Until the room starts to sway

Then, I can lay myself down
One last time.

Haha
There’s no empathy in me
So sweet of you to notice
I don’t ******* care
My heart is a gaping hole
A void you can’t fill
And to feel something
I’ll hurt you
I’ll watch you bleed
To amuse myself
And cut my own skin
To feel something more
Because I’m not a good person
Don’t get me wrong here
I am not okay
And I’ll drag you to Hell
Right along with me

There’s nothing
When I look inside myself
Nothing.
I don’t care about a thing
My chest is so numb I can’t feel
There’s just emptiness within
However,
My methods to force stimulation
They’re relentless
They’ll work
But surely they’ll deal some damage
And I already have so many scars
But I can’t.... I can’t feel like this
I can’t keep feeling void!!
I will do anything to feel something.

I really wish
There was some part of me
That cared about anything

I can’t believe it
I almost couldn’t finish
Because you... you were in my head
I nearly cried!
Flooded with dopamine
And you made me cry
I still miss you, **** it!
Your absence has left my heart torn
YOU LEFT ME ALONE

You’re no good for me
I’ll only hurt you
But my stupid little heart
It got attached
It desperately wants you close

I miss you
I love you
And I’m so... I’m so sorry...

I miss you tonight
You’re still always on my mind
One month since you gave up on me
And I would do anything
Literally anything at all
For one more conversation
To see you
To hear your voice
Just one more time

What do you do...
When your unconscious mind
Knows what you want....
And it’s so **** destructive
But it almost... almost is trying to coerce you
You’re fantasizing....
About your end....

Aw and man... the *******...
The ******* phantom pain
The stinging on my wrist
From where it remembers
And where it wants me
To cut

It’s begging me
The phantom is a cruel tease
I just want it to be real
I want to draw it in....

hey

I’m not supposed to cut myself

would you do it for me?

tw just like in general


Suffer as myself
Or take the drugs and feel relief?
Either way I’m still not okay
I still want to watch
Blood drip down my wrist
I still am unwanted
I still am a monster
I still am a disaster
I still want to die.

But yeah... I guess a pill or two can’t **** me up much more

I’ve memorized the lines
They make me sick
Because I DON’T WANT THIS

I DO NOT WANT THESE PILLS

I DO NOT WANT THESE DRUGS

I DO NOT WANT THESE DOCTORS

I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE


I WANT TO WANT TO LIVE




and instead. I’m reading another bottle
Over
And over


And man..... how all these bottles in my drawer....
They make me wonder........
What would happen......
If... if what they tried to use to fix me.......
If it could end me.....

She is alone
Her weakened body lies in solitude
Begging to be held
Even just... even just touched
Her cheeks are stained with tears
Though no more will flow
There’s not enough of her left now
To feel, to cry
There’s a rough patch on her wrist
Where she’s scarred herself
Time and time again
Her heart pleading
For someone to care,
Someone unafraid of her scars
The wounds of terrible battles fought
But she no longer possesses any hope
That such a person exists

I still love you
I hate myself for what I’ve done
I can’t stand missing you
Your absence weighs on my heart
I weep when you come to my mind
I hope you’re well
I hope things are better
I... I miss you...
And I... I still love you

tw self harm


Do you care about me?
What if I hold the blade to my wrist?
What if I tug it across?
What if I bleed out?
What if I’m dying?
Do you even care??

No. Well, maybe you would
But you’re so caught up in yourself
Keeping busy so you can ignore me
Pretend I’m not a problem
Pretend you shouldn’t worry about me
Ignore all the signs
Because you don’t really care
None of you do
And I keep making new scars
Because as long as you all continue
Hating and ignoring me
I’ll never have to show anyone
The lines I’ve drawn in blood

I know.
I know that it won’t matter.
That no matter how much
Of my blood spills
How much of it I wipe away
No matter how much it hurts
Or how many scars I create
It won’t make me want to be alive.

Some part of me
Is screaming
Crying
Writhing
It’s sick
It’s dying
But I have to...
I have to keep going
I have to function.

But really...
Really all it wants
Is to cry in the darkness
Bleeding
Dying

But I have to function.

You only like him cause he’s nice to you.
You only like him cause he’s nice to you.
You only like him cause he’s nice to you.
You only like him cause he’s nice to you.

You only like him cause he’s cute.
You only like him cause he’s funny.
You only like him cause he’s kind.
You only like him cause he’s brilliant.
You only like him cause he cares.

You only... you only like him.......



****.

I have no one to heal my wounds
There’s this aching in me to be seen
I want you to see the blood
Please, look at me
Look at my wrist!!
I’m in pain!
I’m injured!
And I just... just need someone
To dress my wounds

...

But I know there will be no one
And if I’m to heal
It will be alone
For no one is coming
To stand by my side
No one is coming
To my aid

tw self harm


I really thought maybe I could hold out
But I wanted it so ******* bad
I wanted it to look gross
I wanted strips of red covering my wrist
Wanted thick, garnet droplets
Stinging all over my forearm

I wanted to do damage
To see damage
To look hurt
To feel pain
I needed it
Needed the blood

So I drew it myself
And it ******* hurts
But finally I feel relief

I really... It’s getting harder...
I don’t want my scars to fade
I want to see...
I want to see the blood on my wrist
The pain won’t be ignored
I can’t move on
Can’t go forward
There’s still illness in me
Even when I smile

Maybe this will work
Maybe this is it
Maybe this is the plan
The one that will change things...

I feel hope teasing me
Because it’s still dark
There’s still something terrible within me
But maybe... I think perhaps...
I may yet see dawn

tw self harm


It’s fine
I’m fine

Just have to hold out a little longer
Drugged myself, you see
Cause I wanted to draw in red
On my skin...
Make the blade dance across my wrist
But soon, so soon....
I’ll be... I’ll be getting.... getting drowsy....
.....
.              ....            ..      .        ­     ....
     ..

I really hate wine
It tastes like it shouldn’t be ingested
But that definitely didn’t stop me
From drinking as much as I could

Let me fade away
Let my bones turn to dust
Let my spirit flee this place
Let me be free
Just let me be okay

How do you live
When the only thing
You feel like doing
Is dying

I came home
Contemplating my demise
And you yelled at me
Maybe you meant it
Maybe you didn’t
But you made it worse