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Oct 2019 · 61
lost
Elin Roberts Oct 2019
i’m lost

i’ve finally caught up
with that wide eyed girl
who turns away when i look in the mirror
searching for meaning in cracked glass

reflections of an abused past;
they haunt my day to day life
shadowy figures lurk in gloomy alleyways
cause me to flinch, relive my pain

so i find it easier
to tuck myself away, safe inside
hide from the demons and shy from the light
lie about my emotions, ignore my own plight

and the blanket that hides me
is torn by the seams
as i torch my own dreams
and all that they mean

choking for air in a fog of memory
i grip tightly to old habits
and they do die hard
turn self sabotage into a form of art

create fragile beauty

shroud it in misery

shroud it in me

hide the false promise of who i hoped to be
live the ongoing lie that is now my reality
cos if they ask how i’m doing
if they can’t really see

i’ll answer them with

‘i’m fine, leave me be’
had a down day, vented on some digital paper
Sep 2019 · 111
Henry
Elin Roberts Sep 2019
you make me wanna dance
spin me into a never-ending evanescent grace
your soul hanging in the balance with mine

your fingers trace the script of my body
written in ink, stained black and blue
bruised into my soul by hands so cruel

so many poems of insecurity
are bled into the deepest parts of me
blurring the lines of reality facing sanity

but you
you make me want to dance
you clean the slate that's tainted by my past

your gaze, only ever loving
as your lips part to whisper
the beauty that your love provides

days that once were haunted
by the harsh actions of undeserving men
seem like a distant nightmare

your constant reassurance, your unwavering understanding
you find the lost parts of me
lead me through the dark to where i'm meant to be

i see a future for us
provided by our love


i can't ever thank you enough
i'm so in love with such an amazing god-send of a man
Apr 2019 · 202
Landmark
Elin Roberts Apr 2019
10 years
Seems like a landmark
A traumatising reality
The cold clasp of death
It grips at the starless night
And the moon, oh, the moon
How she screams
Oh how those noises swallow me whole
Mar 2019 · 162
dead love
Elin Roberts Mar 2019
your game once more
seems to have fallen through
empty hands that scream treachery
your face, unfamiliar in its absence

eyes that once provided comfort
they're glazed over with cold indifference
i crave your empty love, your hollow affection
i crave to read your lying palms and i seek the love that isn't there

gratitude is hard to find in solace
for i feel neither
pitiful words that scream betrayal
your soul uncaring, unbalanced

foolish now, is how i feel
foolish to have believed your words
dripping with the fake scent
of a love never known to me

take advantage of my my caring soul
take it all
drown in my lust and in my love
choke on the emotion your heart adores

the love you so blatantly lack
i see your greed now
shining upon its twisted shrine
my heart is but your centerpiece

shrouded in your ignorance
lost love in all its glory
Nov 2018 · 201
explanation
Elin Roberts Nov 2018
so turns out
naked humanity
in all its vulnerability
seems to have hit
a chord within your soul

tell me why
my scars seem to encourage
an uncomfortable isolation
that is felt within myself
when your gaze averts mine

i can’t help but feel
that your thoughts aren’t understanding
your adamant resistance is clear
when you won’t let me explain
that this isn’t a means to an end

i don’t enjoy what i do
to myself, at least
as if watching the last drop dripping from
a serrated blade
brings any form of peace to my mind

you cut across
the veins of my emotion
with uncaring words that scream
‘i don’t have time to indulge in the attention you seek’
when that isn’t the case at all

call me dramatic
my mind has turned to static
into sound that echo similarly
to the demons that hold my heart close
looking into the eyes of a soul that resembles a ghost

a ghost of a former me
they say lovers are the ones that got away
yet never look at that face in the mirror
watch that gleam in your eyes shimmer
melt away, become the twin sister of decay

watch it melt and rot
let it become an infinite not
not a cause or a claim
not an excuse to anyone asking why your depression
‘is a thing’

you needn’t ever feel
the need to engage
in a conversation where you feel
as though you must explain your pain
because indulging in the small mindedness of bigots who’s higher horse is diseased

is never a necessity
or an accessory

but a privilege
to those who will take the time to listen

and maybe even care.
don't make me my mental health a sin
Sep 2018 · 244
Lighthouse
Elin Roberts Sep 2018
I am a lighthouse standing strong
Against a stormy sea
Beat me down with the violent rain
But I'll never stop being me

A lonely sailor I may be
Stoic in silent solitude
Watching all that is to be, all that is to come
Freedom seems a fleeting scene and reality is seemingly numb

But yet I stay in this place
Resolute is a lonely silence
Watch the clouds, and read the sky
Feel the rain yet remain bone dry
Forever searching for a reason why

Why a lonely lighthouse such as me
Shines so bright when it wishes to be
So easily abled to turn off the light
And embrace the fade of a dark winters night
Aug 2018 · 137
reality
Elin Roberts Aug 2018
forever feeling miserable
struggling to escape
the head space i'm in
yeah this is a funny way to start a poem
but what to do when i struggle to find a piece of paper for this pen

the pen of my mind
sounds silly but yeah
this pen's run out of ink in an aspect that i can't describe
don't understand the pain i feel when the worlds insecurities and judgments become real, when they break the ******* seal

dear god.

why judge a person by the colour of their skin?
their religion?
their view?
the position they're in?
when white privilege becomes an overbearing shadow of a supposed 'gods' sin
when the upper and middle classes decide that they're in

the saddle of a higher horse
lacking the feeling of remorse
deciding the laws and punishments of an irrelevant choice
that has nothing to do with our selves
and everything to do with an intimidating insecurity.

it breaks my heart, and
i've no idea where to begin, where to start
i can't describe the pain i feel when i look into the eyes of one
who's been denied of their own identity, their own individuality
their claim and their right to decide where to start
on figuring out the person they want to be within their own heart

someone, please, set me free
from the limitations of my imagination
i need to escape the boundaries of this deluded reality that society
has carefully and tactfully created
to tame the thoughts of a mind such as mine
to stop me being free

free to believe that i am my own person
free to believe that i am an individual form of me
free to believe that my heart doesn't beat to the rhythm of a reality that's very purpose is to destroy the extraordinary

that IS human nature

to those reading my poem, i may not make sense
but then again, what does, guess i'm creating a certain suspense
in this day and age
filled with societies decay
societies need to destroy and conform those who live outside the standard that is expected
the standard that is reflected

in the eyes of those who feel the desire, to want so strongly to be connected
to a group of the earths people
who were born to create a deflected
sense of abnormality, because their lack of understanding
reflects their personalities
and bless them in the sense that they'll never understand
that people were born because
we were always meant to

band together

live together

die together

and that is our reality
first one i've written in a while
Apr 2018 · 259
baptism
Elin Roberts Apr 2018
i find these days
i'm burning out at both ends

a loneliness is melting my insides
memories pooling like wax at my wicker cased feet
i blow and gasp, desperately trying to save my liquid soul
from pouring through cracks that aren't shown to blind eyes

someone, please
quench this flame
pour water over the embers of my being and baptise me into a new light
in which i know an answer, not shown by pain

but shown by a sense of true serenity
i'm lost
Mar 2018 · 104
home
Elin Roberts Mar 2018
you don't seem to understand
the clarity of an unspoken word
a gentle touch of your hand provides
so many reassurances held in the eyes of one you love

i know i can trust you
even though i cannot trust myself
i am a black abyss
and you the shining sun

the reflection i see in the mirror
is a foreign body to me
i don't know these eyes
yet yours are so familiar

you see, i met you and
felt the presence of a home never known to me
clarity and reassurance among the creases of your sofa
worn by love and comfort

you don't understand
and i know you never will
but believe me when i say
i'll forever be grateful for the hidden house you so willingly, yet unknowingly showed

you're my family
you're my living breathing home
you're my walking blanket in which
i'll always find refuge

let me fold myself in and
hug the broken parts of you with my scattered soul
let me give you even a fraction of
what you've given me

if only you ever knew.
i love you
Mar 2018 · 1.7k
loveless growth
Elin Roberts Mar 2018
in this reality

we created something out of nothing
nipped uncertainty in the bud
i buried it softly
among the weeds and the dirt

in this reality

i didn't rip out my roots from the ground below
i watered the seeds with kindness and love
threw insecurity to the wind
and let my heart show

but, my dear
this isn't my reality

i still claw at the dirt
with love bitten nails
digging for an answer in unfertilized soil
searching for a life that was never given
even the slightest chance to grow

no life will blossom here
the flowers will wilt and be rotten from the core
life cannot grow from a loveless garden
the petals will fall before they're formed
and thorns will sprout and puncture the delusion of something more

teasing this noose, that is wrapped around my heart

in this reality

the weeds will strangle the light from the sun
rip away the facade of a blooming aftermath
deprive my flowery veins of water, write me off as done
and kid me into an illusion that

the seeds will sprout into a thousand colors
not one of them real enough to describe
the color of my aura when i see your face
feel those hands on mine
your touch out of descriptions reach

cos in this reality

and every reality after

love will never be a word that can be defined
nor described, by any set opinion.

love is a vast and bottomless pit of beautiful and scary uncertainty
made from the memories it creates
built on the foundations on which we were born
and bred by the emotion we feel
rough draft but dunno how to finish it
Mar 2018 · 253
unspoken
Elin Roberts Mar 2018
the sound of silence
i tend to find
echoes louder
vaster
than the vile and stale taste
of unspoken words
hanging heavy
on a blood bitten tongue
ahhhhhh
Mar 2018 · 5.8k
snowflakes
Elin Roberts Mar 2018
i've come to realise
that with every fallen snowflake
the life of one unknown to me
is reflected in its icy self.
a snowflakes very existence relies on the individuality of its structure, similar to that of a human life.
everyone has a different story to tell
complicated to those who don't know
complicated to those who do know
complicated to all in a sense because
we sit by and wonder why
why are we here?
what is the meaning of true purpose when
uncertainty plagues the minds of all who breathe
living in a time when the youth of our generation are born into an age so filled with hurt
hate
pain
no common sense in a place where so many have tried to fight for the right of humanity.
all we receive is inhumane behaviour and injustice
uncaring and shallow acts when all we wish for is fairness and equality
you see, although every snowflake is different
their independent beauty co-depends on one another's existence
how can you have a blizzard with a single snowflake?
their imperfections bring out their perfections
each one has a tale to tell
each one brings out the beauty in one another.
similar to human life
have you ever realised the silent beauty in a cold winters snow?
how when engulfed in a snowstorm, you are able to accept peace into your mind, you're able to let go?
you're actually able to think for a moment, and realise
the clarity that silence holds
all that finally unfolds
when
you're able to take a moment for yourself and
let out the breath you've unknowingly held
you're finally able to delve
into a sense of true finality
a final sense of...
raw serenity.
i love snow
Feb 2018 · 139
Death
Elin Roberts Feb 2018
21 and counting
What does it mean?
To be older than your older sister? Is this a dream?
A grave that hasn't even begun to understand deaths cold, and everlasting hand.
I'll be older than you soon.
Seems like the blink of an eye, but time has a funny habit of passing you by.
Unseen and untouched, quite frankly misunderstood
When the hearts of those you care about are fortunate enough to not understand
Deaths careless and painful hand.
You cry and beg and weep and plead!
Please death, please, don't plant your seed
Give her a chance, give me a sign, please I beg you, don't deny
The feelings I feel.
Understand that they're real.
They ARE my reality, and your worst nightmare, that luckily, you are yet to bare
I never hope that for you, it's real cos
The pain that I feel will become a reality
For a person as innocent as you, me, US.
But sadly it's a must
A forced hand at the age of 12, conditioned me to delve
Into the unseen and sad world
Of a stolen childhood scene, what does it all mean?
I don't understand, don't accept, can't even try to set
My minds state of being
Into a different frame of being
A person I am NOT.
This isn't me and you are not you.
I'm stuck, don't know what to do.
How to relate, how to feel, nothing seems to be real!
Uncertainty plagues my mind, engulfs my soul
Forces me into the darkest of holes
Of denial, regret, pain and hurt, NOTHING IS REAL
AND EVERYTHING HURTS.
Hurt, hurt, hurt, HURT!
I'm not making sense yet I don't care
Sat here, writing, upon this chair
My vision is blurry like, this state of mind
I am desperately searching for my peace of mind
MIND.
Mindfully minding the mindfulness of my mind, mind me, please.
I AM GOING INSANE.
My brain...
It's a figment of my imagination
Searching for the reciprocation
Of a person who hurts as much as me
Cos they also do not KNOW
how to be
How to breathe without collapsing
Because the past is everlasting
It's your present and reality
Stripping you bare, not a normality
It is STRESS and PAIN in its purest form.
Making you wonder, WHY WAS I BORN!
WHY AM I HERE!
WHY IS SHE NOT!
LET ME SURRENDER!
TAKE ALL THAT I'VE GOT!
I don't want it at all if she's not here!
Don't need it, don't crave it,
JUST ******* TAKE IT.
Stop this pain I feel in my chest
I've tried and surrendered
I can't be my best
These rhymes are a distraction
To the emptiness inside
It's time for me to sit back, and acceptability oblige
That this is ME, and nothing will change
Life is life at the end of the day
I've been dealt a hand that hasn't been kind
But I am still here so I bare in mind
The fortune of my misfortune
It *****, but it's real
More that can be said for those who are dead
And although at times it hurts to breathe
And even though at times I don't feel like me
I've more breath in my lungs than those underground
Their death bitten corpses don't make a sound
And never they will
But I guess that's okay
Because through me, they'll live another day
Through the eyes of one who's always TRIED
To understand.
That death is death and all through the land
That one last breath is an unchangeable thing
But the living who breathe will always sing
The praises of those who are no longer here
But deep in our hearts
Are always kept dear
gonna be fayes birthday soon
Jan 2018 · 181
yawn
Elin Roberts Jan 2018
n u m b

i could sleep but i choose not to
engulfed in the loneliness
the darkness that accompanies sleep

and there's nothing else to say
Jan 2018 · 170
funny
Elin Roberts Jan 2018
isn't it funny how
you can feel everything all at once
and then
nothing at all.
it feels like you're in the center of a bottomless void
where light doesn't shine and
happiness has lost its warmth
you're unsure of how to be
because you don't know how to dream
cos in reality they never come true
unsure of what higher power
decided to suddenly turn off the lights
and the shadows play with your mind
breeding beasts so horrifying that words can't describe
birthing an insanity that's only belief is
no one truly means what they say
and you're always second guessing
glancing over your shoulder to look for something that only exists
inside
because your mind has personified
all your darkest secrets and worries
and you can't help but flinch
from the helping hand that tries to feed you
for the food might be poisoned
with beliefs too immense for others to comprehend
someone please put me on the mend
i can feel my mothers worry from miles away
and her smile
it fades
like a summers day
she's dying and you feel like
you are too
but no one knows cos
weakness is a weapon used to destroy all the good
so you hide your depression under a hood
a cloak that shuts everyone out
but leaves you drowning
in darkness so suffocating that you question if
if...

there was ever an answer to begin with.
who knows
Jan 2018 · 228
this life
Elin Roberts Jan 2018
we sit here and sesh our lives away
crack another can, fight over the last sip
satire is the topic of conversation when
the real issues are too deep to indulge
do we really know what we're doing?
probably not
but who really cares when
the smiles of your friends melt the world away
like butter in a pan
when this atmosphere is truly the only place
i'd ever want to be
in this moment
this life
away from pain and worldly woes
where cigarette smoking is a past time
meant for making memories far deeper
than the fear you feel when looking in the mirror
see a face that has felt so, so much
too much pain and uncertainty
for a collective soul as young as ours
we feel and breathe as a singular being
and that is what friendship is about

and i feel blessed to have finally found a place to call home.
pretty rough but oh well
Nov 2017 · 414
6 to 18 months
Elin Roberts Nov 2017
i feel as though

...

i don't know.

heartbroken is an understatement
when there is no heart left to break
no feeling you haven’t already felt
twice fold at the least

and the empty stares of fake pity
invade your mind like the cancer that so recklessly
eats away at her body
an unforgiving force, who’s only goal is total destruction.

an armageddon of ****** proportion.

of a loved human life that is
never of itself, never
a disgusting beast that breeds and multiplies
like many a disease before it

6 to 18 months they say
not enough time to say goodbye
yet too much time to think
too much time to imagine a life without her

a life that you could never imagine
let alone want to be a reality
in which your only solace is
the numbing sting of a razor

yet you know those around you will never understand
or ever begin to try
because how could they live the life you've lead
through their unknowing eyes

their mundane lives
and mundane hearts
their ignorance is bliss
an unknown solace to the pain in your heart

but whatever, i guess.
what's the point in overthinking
when your fate has already started
to walk your unchangeable path

in which you will find nothing but despair
and everlasting unhappiness
in a world that never cared
nor never understood

nor ever even tried to
my mum's dying and i don't know what to do
Nov 2017 · 246
cobwebs
Elin Roberts Nov 2017
what intricate webs we must have weaved
dewy drops like tears drip from each strand now
drowning memory with a single drop
but how could you miss what you can't even remember?

because finally
you have said goodbye
told me to leave you be
and my heart has broken

unsure of what to do
this being has cracked
splintered even
shards fly everywhere

but

i guess it's time to put the cobwebs to rest
dust them away to the wind
spin a memory with everlasting happiness
that no amount of pain could wash away

because i believe
in a life of good feeling
in a life of self worth
a life where i can accept myself for me

and i now see
that i am worthy of a love
greater than anything you could've given
i am worth more than settling for something i'm not

but i still thank you
because without this lesson of love
i would never have seen
what was invisible to me

self worth.
self worth
Nov 2017 · 338
eagle
Elin Roberts Nov 2017
i'm not a broken toy, lying face first for your amusement
you fill in the gaps of my missing pieces with yourself
yet wonder why my emotional attachment to you is so strong
your very essence sticks to me
whilst your calloused hands stroke the broken parts of me
molding and pulling at my soul
creating something that's very existence relies on your touch
but that isn't me.
i'm not to be owned nor bought
not to be made into something i'm not
i am my own person
i shall heal and grow without your 'helping hand'
so please, leave me be
in another time, another life, maybe
this would be needed
maybe.
but this is nor here nor now
nor shall it ever be the case again
i am an eagle, and you the cage
so i shall set my wings free
take flight to a place unknown to you
and here is where i shall nest
until each heavy sigh is more to do with my sanity
and less to do with forgetting your voice
telling me to stay
it's time to set me free
Nov 2017 · 182
?
Elin Roberts Nov 2017
?
take another shot, ease the pain
drink away your woes and troubles
after all the fact of the matter is
it's easier to lay on the bathroom floor than to look in the mirror
see the reflection of a person you're not quite sure how you became
wonder where it went wrong or whether it was ever right to begin with
an unanswerable question that eats away at your mind
similar to depressions unwanted yet lasting touch
similar to a mothers worry, why did her baby turn out this way?
too emotional all the time yet emotionless at best
how can you think when you're mind is so avidly against your happiness?
you can't, maybe even won't, cos it's too hard to come to terms with this day, this life
and my brain feels like a machine with a cog in the works
constantly jamming my ability to relate to sensibility
because the person i am is unknown to those who care
unknown to the person you wish to be
and i feel unable to relate to this state of mind
that i seem to constantly find myself in
but oh well
**** it.
run away to another place, another scene
change my speed of pace
get them to believe in yourself when you can't
cos they don't know what's what and who's who
don't know that this reflection is one of evil nature
and that's okay cos they don't know enough to care
whereas you do
and always will.
Oct 2017 · 175
losing game
Elin Roberts Oct 2017
i feel like i've lost myself
through trying to hold on to something that
has already escaped me
maybe i never even had it

you see
envisioning you is a poison i drink often
deluding me into thoughts that...
that we...

that maybe someday we'll reunite.
but my heart knows better than my head
my heart knows that this 'someday'
will never see a sunrise

so for now i'll lay my body to rest
place my head upon this tear stained pillow
and grasp for comfort in the empty space beside me

forever awaiting a day that won't come
you're back but not here
Oct 2017 · 230
travel
Elin Roberts Oct 2017
travel is expensive
so i'll pay with emotion instead
get away from this frame of mind
to a place where i'm still yours
to a place where i don't belong to the pain i feel in my chest when my heart cries your name
Oct 2017 · 213
hoarse
Elin Roberts Oct 2017
if i smoke enough
maybe i'll lose my voice
let it turn into a hoarse croak
only then will i not scream your name to sky
when familiarity doesn't know your touch
lol
Oct 2017 · 213
punchline
Elin Roberts Oct 2017
i really wish
i could leave this be
but i can't
and you keep messaging me

and messaging

and messaging

and messaging

...

but i refuse to see
that this won't work
that you aren't for me
even though you called things off

again.

but love is blind
as is this hatred for myself
i am careless
reckless with unbridled abandon

is this worth it?
is this worth all the pain it takes
for me to feel...
wanted? happy? like i belong?

i don't know.

just let me focus on those eyes
baby, let me drown
please let me taste deaths sweet escape if it means
i can hold you one more time

but i hear your laugh in my mind
and realize
that i was just a joke
and this 'love' was the punchline
this is fairly ****** but idk
Oct 2017 · 94
Untitled
Elin Roberts Oct 2017
i think i'm finally ready
to lay this dream to rest
turn over a new leaf
and start believing
that i am deserving
of more happiness than this
Sep 2017 · 183
blank
Elin Roberts Sep 2017
we were embers of the night
weeping sparks to satisfy our lust for warmth
our scripture remained on flame-imprinted hearts
where it should've stayed for an eternity, but you found a new start

that is what i thought this was
a beginning to an end
or so it appears
an end to a beginning

and i'm unsure of what to do.
my lips... it seems they've forgotten how to smile
my mind, it is a blank canvas
and i want to be taken back to a life of happiness

these forgotten feelings awaken something in me
an unknown being
hidden in the shadows
a stranger to loves warm touch

it wasn't always like this though
there was a time when hope wasn't a dream
a time where this was better than it seems
a time when happiness wasn't a fleeting whim

...

now it seems reality isn't real
my soul cries for emotion
yet my head doesn't seem to care
a familiar friend to depressions lasting touch

and i've honestly never felt so lonely when i'm alone
i need a friend
i need a shoulder on which to cry
but no one provides

and so i shall retreat back to solitude
back to a place where no one can see
back to a place where i can be sad little me
and that is where i shall stay

until someone finds me
whilst i try to find myself.
i'm rather trashed but at least i tried
Sep 2017 · 209
let them
Elin Roberts Sep 2017
~~~~~~~~~

so let the good times **** me
let them ravish me dry
take all i can give
let them envelop me whole
steal the tears from my eyes
let them steal my soul
accept a life of problems
let them steal my humanity.

let them
and let them again
and again

...

and again

for this life is all i know.
tbh i'm so drunk rn this makes no sense lol
Sep 2017 · 272
wanted
Elin Roberts Sep 2017
i want you
into sight and out of mind
i want your phantom touch to provide the real feel
of your skin on mine
to lie between satin sheets on rainy days
explore every crevice that your body offers
let us know a life where we're together
yet canada seems a world away
further more when we don't talk for days
and it's like my feelings mask that of the sky
darker and rainier
feeling no warmth from the suns rays
reflecting the ocean and their stormy waters
similar to those murky eyes in which i found home
don't you see that
this mind holds a world of thoughts and feelings
about you
always about you
recklessly a slave to loves cruel fate in a world where you don't care
a slave to the pain it takes to make me feel alive
because i can't cope without emotion
a slave to my love sewn lips
which avidly resist to admit that you are the problem
for i am so consumed with this need to feel wanted
i would take anything from you

but you don't give
wanted
Sep 2017 · 169
thoughts
Elin Roberts Sep 2017
and god, you best believe
when we don't speak i think of you
oh so much
Sep 2017 · 189
why?
Elin Roberts Sep 2017
and for the rest of the days i spend loving you
might it be days, or even years
i shall be left to wonder why


why was i never good enough?
why aren't i good enough for you
Sep 2017 · 221
unravel
Elin Roberts Sep 2017
i miss you
not even as the person really
you see when i think of you
i think of late night chats
sending memes and **** talking for hours
i think of that time i called you at that party
too ****** to make sense of what my brain was doing
but certain that you could help
and you did, just hearing your voice...
and when you laughed and called me silly
i felt like i was home

i imagine how i'm feeling right now is similar to that of a stray
left in the rain
******* to suffer for sins not committed
snatched away from my home without a second thought
when i get lonely at night, or even during the day
i long for that ping on messenger and to see your name pop up on my screen
so i can finally unravel this ball of anxiety that gets trapped in my throat and chokes the life out of me
every time i try to say your name
without
crying
i feel awkward and sad a lot at the moment
Sep 2017 · 237
snippet
Elin Roberts Sep 2017
i'm sorry i'm not so...
talkative, today.

when my voice tries to say things
all i hear is your name
and all i feel is this pain
cold and harsh like the rain
dripping down my window pane

all i've felt is pain really
since you said goodbye, again

and this time i can't pretend
that it's not getting harder and harder
when i try not to cry
when i see your face
pop up in this space
i feel so out of place

like a balloon in the sky
deja vu
Sep 2017 · 283
tricky
Elin Roberts Sep 2017
so you broke up with me again
same ****, different day
i just don't get why you had to pretend?
as if things weren't gonna pan out this way
you're so like him.
if you've read my poetry, you'll know who i mean
Mr. Harry M Shaw
broke my heart when i was 18

or was i 17? time flies when you're not having fun

so i'll make myself a cellophane suit
that'll make it easier to shun the heart breakers who keep knocking on my door
begging for more, wanting to leech this well dry of all it's worth when i'm in some serious drought right now
i need a thunderstorm
and that is just what you described me as

i was your thunderstorm and you were my calm
but now your umbrellas broken, you see
it's not too fun being that close to me
and i'll blow you off your feet, you'll never see it coming
and your clothes will get wet with my tears cos i just want to be FREE

but you saw me coming
you smiled and i couldn't help but move
**** it, i came at you running
and you caught me with arms open
palms open
lips open
eyes open
you made me naked in more sense than one

you peeled back my layers and found my center to be different than described
nothing like my middle name, rose
all you could see was what the doctor had prescribed
and my closet of different smiles that i would wear like clothes
every now and again, till i felt no need to pose

and so you parceled me up, tied around my neck a pretty bow
you went outside and purchased a new umbrella
looked for skies with tamer winds and gentler spatters of rain
and i had no other choice but to let you go
oh this pretty bow, you feel like a noose
rain man set me free!

now when i think of you i think of him
and that's oh so sad to me, because you see, i look at you and
see his evil stretched out grin
twinkling under evanescent skies
where happier times are a childish whim
as this broken smile casts a shadow on this fallen frame of mine
maybe this is what love has in store for me

downcast, twisted, alone

learning to borrow happiness whilst living on stolen time
taken from a sister 8 februarys ago
why'd she have to leave
why'd i have to stay
lining my discrepancies against the wall in a row
shoot one down yet the others remain
hanging heavy on my heart, dull, aching, grey
yet i find once i look too deep
i begin to fall down a hole of my own mistakes
but how could i see the dirt on these hands at the bottom of a bottomless pit?
how could i truly know that i'd done this to myself before it was too late?

i couldn't and i wouldn't

i'd just keep falling, oblivious to the fact that i'd already hit the ground
with a steady thud, left as blood for the hounds
a tangled mess of memories and bone
of shared cups and keys
of white powder to erase the sting that your touch used to bring
my mind is so troubled now, where is the zing?

the spark?
the glow?
now all is stark?
where did i go?

i look pale as the winters frost
my heart frozen like that icy wasteland you call a home
where feelings don't matter and humanity is a sin, lose it at any cost
just like i lost you
or was it you who lost me?
maybe i even lost myself?

see, i honestly don't know anymore.
you've changed my brain like a reoccurring acid trip that keeps
getting worse, when i try to find the good
find that love, find that smile
god someone give me a shove
or a shovel
either will do, as long as i return to the grave i call home
tuck myself in amongst the dirt and the bugs
make sure i'm snug
make sure i die for your sins, and trust me, i do
every night, every night, through and through
but it's all on me for being stupid enough to try and tame the beast that is you
the beast that always was
and the beast that will always be

love you are a tricky one.
love is a tricky one indeed
Aug 2017 · 275
nonsensical
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
you are the white in my eyes
the blood in my veins
you are everywhere, yet nowhere all at once

confusingly sensible
reliably unreliable
so dangerously safe

my uprising and my downfall
i mask this uncertainty with the face you wear
hidden in plain sight

so violently soft
i take what you give
stolen willingly

a thief in the night
i embrace your darkness
and revel in the light you shine

your touch, so gentle, it burns
yet i find comfort in this pain
inhuman in its humanity

they say opposites attract
and this love is nonsensical
but i'll accept what is given

for it is given by you
i make no sense of this but make sense of you
Aug 2017 · 126
Untitled
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
so indecisive so adamant
Aug 2017 · 391
numb
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
i'm too sad to be sad

a funny sentence in itself
clutching a can of cider, i'll have another sip
feel the bile rise in my throat and wonder
maybe if i'm sick it'll expel the love that wraps itself around every inch of my being

every vein
every bone
every thought that breezes through my brain
leaving scars so small and meaningless that even i struggle to realize their existence

should i nap?
no, that wouldn't work
for you see, my dreams turn into memories of you
a shared joke, drinking a pint or two
whispering sweet nothings into my ear
playing me for the fool
because i thought i could trust in this

again, i was wrong
but only now do i see its truth
still chasing a broken dream in which happiness exists
in which i belong

i sat there last night
arms wrapped around the toilet
longing to be enveloped by your arms instead
longing to breathe in that scent that brings me so much reassurance longing to be in that place where i feel right

yet these arms remained pressed against white porcelain
cold and sterile, like the words you used to say goodbye
told me this was a mistake
watched my heart break
and not a move did you make
to help these tears dry
i just don't understand
Aug 2017 · 214
evicted
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
my heart hurts
i don't know what to do
the occupancy of you in my mind filled me in more ways than i realised
and now it's gone
i feel hollow, like i've been carved out with a knife
i just never imagined yours to be the hand that held it though
never imagined that the same fingertips that caressed this skin would so violently desecrate me
it's like you were an artist
so beautiful, so alluring
painting wonderful imagery of this love with your words
with the way your eyes would linger a little too long
you made me feel indestructible
indescribable almost
you made me feel like i only need jump to reach the stars
you made me feel like you'd catch me if i fall
you made me believe in a lie so blatantly obvious that even you, the one who constructed this web of misery, believed in it yourself
you made me feel like i finally belonged
then you snatched it away
clawed your care out of my being with talons so sharp that the shock shook me to my very core
pain resonating so clearly like a slap in the face of my beliefs, a belief that happiness was on the horizon
you brought me to back to this dark twisted reality
back to a reality where a girl like me doesn't get the love she deserves
the love she needs, the love she craves to feel human emotion in all it's horrific glory
and you tell me that i deserve better, you tell me that you don't want to see me with a person who doesn't appreciate every inch of my being
when it's now apparently clear that you were that person all along.
you broke me
Aug 2017 · 153
over
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
you broke my heart
whilst i stood there
rain poured
as did my tears
but i hid it from you
for i'd already bared all
and you threw it all aside
when you said

goodbye

for good
Aug 2017 · 859
you didn't need to
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
i'm struggling to write
my happiness is my inspiration
my sadness too
but right now i feel neither

so what am i to do?

i feel sick to my stomach
at thoughts of you
what joy you brought me is gone
was any of it real?

a question i can't answer
thoughts swimming through my brain
the same one question, over and over
a repetitive fool
eating away at my mind whilst shaking hands type hurriedly
craving to feel the emotion that your smile brings

i've lost that now

if this isn't what you wanted
then why say the things that you did?
why ignite hope in the empty chambers of my heart?
why give a cold girl warmth just to ****** it away so needlessly?

i've been used to the darkness for so long now
you didn't need to give joy to this broken soul
you didn't need to give myself a place to be me
you didn't need to do any of it

if only i knew how easy it was to rip away the facade of your care
that was never really there to begin with
one argument and you toss me aside
say this isn't what you need, isn't what you want

i've surpassed my use now
you've taken all you can and fed off it
like a leech
****** me of my self worth and left me to rot in the wake of this mess
and i let you do it through my own foolish behavior

so i guess for now
i'll retreat back to the shadows
where unhappiness lives and demons play
where hope isn't even a dream to begin with
where you can't destroy something's that's already been desecrated so carelessly

and here is where i'll stay
why did you even bother to begin with
Aug 2017 · 269
haiku
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
i just want you to
say that you're oh so sorry
so we can stop this
just ******* apologise
Aug 2017 · 371
argument
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
we had our first argument
and freaking out was an understatement
when you didn't take it seriously
made me feel so small

i don't want to lose you
but this time i didn't hold back
my fear was real but so was my faith in you
it's been tainted now

treat me like an idiot
now i feel like one, are you happy?
guess i forgot where your priorities lie
or maybe you never cared that much anyway

leave me on read
emotions are at their peak
i just want to hear you apologise
let me know you take me seriously

'nah i dont do this
this isnt a thing'
please
please don't say that

you don't understand
just how much i care
maybe you never will
maybe i've just built this up to be something it's not

and that hurts more
than a silly little argument
i just want an apology
Aug 2017 · 272
falling
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
you told me you were falling
but i don't know how to catch you
these arms have been broken so many times
breaking the falls of others
who never deserved me

i'm sorry i'm so scared
but can't you understand why?
you've lived my past
through words i've spoken to you
and it's frightening

but i know i've fallen.
you know it too
how could you not?
this smile only lives when i'm in your arms
this laugh, so foreign, i had forgotten it's existence

catch me if i catch you
we'd be good together, we can try
i see its truth
sweet loves remedy
be still my beating heart

all the love songs make sense now
i see a future
in which we're happy
your hand is in mine, your lips on my cheek
and i wouldn't change it for the world
i'm so in love with you
Aug 2017 · 307
let me know
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
you've only been gone a day
or two
i lose track when you're not here
racking up points of how much i care
by counting another ignored notification on
your phone
you're busy, i get it
but get this
when you go, so do i
so for now i'll just get high
count another minute, another hour
wait for my phone to buzz
let me know my heart is still okay
steadily thumping to the rhythm of this music
let me know if my smile
is still on your mind
but until you do
i'll sit and wait
to see you soon
i miss you
Aug 2017 · 221
"friendship"
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
friendship is a two way street after all
not that you'd see its truth
too busy standing in my way with accusations and lies
to walk your own dirt ridden trail
**** this, *******
Aug 2017 · 717
you told me
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
you told me
you are too much
your abundant energy is never ending
and to love you is to feel intensity like no other

you told me
that you care too much
a statement that's eerie similarity
held hands with my own

you told me
my lips reminded you of the ocean
a kiss would be to drown
to never try, a regret

you told me
you loved my eyes
golden honey in sunlight
i would always catch you staring

you told me
you'd never hurt me
yet here i am
i never imagined you to lie

you told me
i was the only one
yet found comfort in the arms of another
when i went away

you told me
to be wary of whom i trust
you didn't warn me
about the one in my bed

you told me
and i listened
and now i'm left stranded
wishing i had not.
you told me
Aug 2017 · 734
sin
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
sin
ignore this mess babe
clean your own sins
my hands are a lot stronger
when they're not holding yours
random thoughts
Aug 2017 · 439
2am
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
2am
it's 2am

all i can think of is your arms

i want them to envelop me
drown me in your scent like the sweetest honey
let me taste those lips
before the sun rises
and daylight takes our lives hostage once more

just for a moment
give yourself to me
to keep and to cherish
i'll keep you safe my love

under blankets
tangled limbs give a sense of stability
but so does your smile
your eyes on mine
palm to palm
noses touch and my smile

my smile says all you need to know
i could lie with you forever and never get bored
Aug 2017 · 865
sense
Elin Roberts Aug 2017
i was so close to telling you
just how much i care
sitting there

your eyes on mine
tangled sheets and limbs
poetic to say the least

it's just i find myself
when you call me beautiful
i want those lips to be mine

your voice took my breath away
a thief of the most wonderful proportion
i'm lost as i write this

not making sense
love doesn't, life doesn't
you do

you always have

i feel ready to trust again
to let someone belong to me
to let myself belong to someone

and this fear is beautiful
a ghost in the night
i embrace it

as i embrace you
my head's a state but my heart's at peace
Jul 2017 · 183
who am i
Elin Roberts Jul 2017
my heart hurts

i don't know who i am anymore
i don't know my face when i look in the mirror

distorted and unclear
a forgotten dream of happiness in a storm of disappointment

who am i ?
where do i belong ?
god knows .

but in reality
not even god knows
i'll find myself one day
Jul 2017 · 247
worthy
Elin Roberts Jul 2017
you're better than the path you feel has been laid out for you
walk, breathe, take in the scenery
drink the colour from the sky and turn blue if it's what you need to do
be yourself
don't let the opinions of others define who you see yourself as
because
is that really any way to live
?
take time for yourself
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