It's been awhile since I've visited here... a lot has happened.

It's not supposed to hurt this way...

You're a Friday night
You're a Sunday drive
You're the parts of life we can't compromise..

You've got a heart of stone,
You've got a promise of gold
You're the only one able to steal my soul..

What have we got in our favour?
The more I think, the more the list of flaws grows....

Age, eighteen.... Thirty.....
That's an alarm bell in itself.
But if I say I'm twenty one, and you say you're twenty six... We can get away with that.

Pasts...
You've done so much, you've travelled and seen the world, you're living your dream. What am I? Some girl from a small town, still living with her parents. That little girl saw opportunity and grasped it in both hands. You like that about her. About me. But you still know I need to live, before I can even dream of loving you right.

Timing.....
That night, our first kiss...
You told me 'our timing is awful.' And honestly it's not the first time I've heard that... And we've moved past that first kiss. Way past it. But you and I both know the score. Because you've got to pretend to love her, and I've got to pretend it doesn't hurt me so **** much that I feel like ripping my own throat out......
But that's life.
'Good things come to those who wait' and whatever other cliche saying exists...

But you know what bothers me most, the biggest flaw in all this. We are in love. But we really really can't be. It's forbidden, but oh so intoxicating.
A beautiful mess.
That we can only clean up in the distant future......
So for now our broken hearts can lay scattered on the floor.

Until we meet again... My 'friend'

Screaming thunder
Trembling hearts
The storm is raging
I'm falling apart.
Dream filled kisses
Apartment doors
Smell of your body
Seeps through my floor.
Decay. Decay. Decay.
I wish we could.
For that sweet poison
Forever will burn
Candles wait, extinguishing
Slowly.  Patiently.
We are burning out.
And I'm dreaming of you..
Too much.

Dear fifteen year old self,
I know you have never met me.
And you never will, for I took over...
Grew from your essence.
But I just wanted to let you know a few things.
See that face of yours? The one you cry in front of in the mirror? You're beautiful. You're changing from a cute awkward little kid into a strong wonderful, inspiringly beautiful woman. Trust nature. Wipe your tears, and believe that it's okay. You're 15. Relax. You're pretty. Those big brown eyes will get you anything you wish for. Trust me. I know.

Next, see that boy? The cute one who knows how to talk a little bit too smoothly... Who's a little bit too cheeky.... There's no point in me telling you to stay away because we both know that doesn't work. We are the same person after all... Just be careful...... And whatever you do, DO NOT sleep with him. You're too young. You're gonna have your first kiss, and he's gonna make you feel like you're flying and falling and being caught all at the one time.... But you're not. You're going to kiss people 1000 times better than that, you'll realise it was sloppy and kind of a waste of eight months.
But the heartbreak. When he leaves you for your best friend.. When you're left without anyone beside you. That will honestly almost **** you. But you'll be okay. The fact that you feel this way makes you become the strong beautiful woman you are today. You can get through it, all of it, even the **** that's not about the guy. The **** that is going on inside your head, inside your home.... You'll survive. And you'll write.

One last thing, I'm sure I'm missing a few things, maybe I'll realise them when I'm a little bit older...... But that musical talent you've got, it's there.... It's in your ears... And possibly your voice. That's a grey area at the moment. You're going to find your way. And musicians should come with warning signs..... danger sheer drop ahead like at the end of the road in a cartoon where the path turns into a cliff....... Because you'll fall, when you're around my age. And they are very good pretenders. Be careful sweetheart.

It's never too late.
You're growing up so beautifully.
Be proud.
And try not to be too sad........

Love,
18 year old you...

I don't know much.
I know I can feel something
In my very core
It shakes me
Haunts me
I'm terrified
I think it might be love

Phonecalls
Late nights
Your voice
Taxi drives.
Cocktails
Beers
Apartment heaters
Christmas cheer.

I'm
F
A
   L
     L
       I
        N
          G
too fast
too hard
for you.

I CAN'T

The fact that you're not a daydream anymore terrifies me.
At least I had control in my own head...

How the **** did you get out of the fanzone so quickly....
That doesn't happen...
You like skipped the friendzone so quick...
God...
Come here you,
Get back to bed...

"You know what?"
"You make really ****** coffee.... But you give great head... So like I guess I can live with that.."

I promised that after you I was done with musicians...
But his soul is just so beautiful...
I think I fell again..
And this time,
I know for a fact he did too.

You're a dangerous memory,
And at a glance you send me sprinting..
Into dark distant pasts,
Wandering down random paths.
Unsafe city lights,
Fire in your eyes.
The flames, they burned so much..
I haven't had enough.

She's a masterpiece painted behind the blank canvas.
Such a shame,
All they see is beautiful white.

You taught me why the sky is blue.
Darling I really amn't ready to fall for you..
Spectrums and colours,
I can only take so much.
Forbidden lovers, I've said enough.

My, my, you've lived some life for someone who hasn't been living for too long!
It's as if your soul has the ability to draw the most beautiful adventures towards you.
That, my dear, is a gift.

Drunken texts and phone calls at 3am
Forbidden fantasies of you and me
Stumbling through the city to find where you might be
It's all a trick isn't it,
An impossible dream.
Your apartment door shakes,
Oh it aches for me.
Taxi cabs being forced to drive.
You send me away,
No. Not tonight..
Lipstick kisses and tired hearts.
I always take it that little bit too far.

Forgetting to be careful.
The most reckless thing I've done.
Forgetting to have mercy.
On this heart of stone.
You smashed right through the surface,
Unsealing all the cracks.
This heartache, like no other.
When are you coming back?

You're haunting me again.
I returned to our rooftop today.
The rain still hasn't washed us away.
If we had of gone to the beach,
Maybe I would be lucky.
Maybe the waves would take my memories far away.
But once upon a rooftop happened.
And I can't shake our ghosts from that place.
The sound of our deep breathing remains.
I feel your soul wrap around mine,
When I sit against that wall.
Tears spill out for you.
Maybe they're trying to erase us too.

I didn't mean to kiss you.
I just happened to fall in love.

You don't understand how much it burns to miss you...
Scalding water down my spine doesn't have a patch on it...
Flames lick my most sensitive organs, still. Nothing compares to the burning sensation in my soul.
Missing you hurts like hell.
There's nothing cliche about these feelings.

We dived in head first
I didn't think we couldn't swim
Sending out flares
Any hope of rescue
I guess I forgot how to survive
I held onto you too tight.

Stolen hearts,
Never returned.
You left me with a wounded soul.
You left me with a vision of you.
The kiss goodbye came far too soon.
Your heart was stolen,
As you watched.
The thief in the night you never forgot.
Revenge my dear,
An awful price.
10 thousand miles away,
Too far to keep us safe.

But its not just out of greed.
You see, I'm just taking what I need.
For the minute our hearts brushed,
I lost mine and you lost yours.
Clumsily trying to pick them up,
We stole each other's.
*Is this love?

I can't walk these streets without being reminded of our ghosts travelling hand in hand along the darkness.
You haunt this city.

I'm screaming out your name from rooftops at 4am. I think I'll be waiting forever for these dreams to end.

You taught me that I need people who don't like Starbucks in my life.
You taught me to not believe the signs in the city saying 'homemade Italian gelato' until I had tasted homemade Italian gelato.
You taught me not to love until the only thing I can taste in my mouth and in my heart and in my soul was something stronger than any other describable desire.
Well.... I think what all that means is I need you in my life.
I need you to take me to pretty cafés.
Not Starbucks.
And I need to have gelato with you in every parlour in Italy.
Just to compare all the flavours.
But most importantly.
I realise now you want me to love you and hold you in my heart forever.
Because that overwhelming feeling of 'love' that you speak of is pretty similar to the feeling I get when I'm with you.

You were nobody's regular Starbucks.
Not ridiculously expensive for some ****** fancy named coffee.
You were more like a vintage Italian expresso.
And I would search every corner of the world for you.
If it meant I could have one last sip.

3 simple words I wish I'd told you.
3 simple words you're up etching onto that page.
Vintage typewriters,
Of course you'd choose the most beautiful method to tell me.
I miss you.

The amount I've written about you is becoming problematic dear...
When will the ink run out?
When will the trees start screeching at me to give up?
I'm going to have to stop etching these words onto their skin.

You got your flight to London,
I hope you're still dreaming of LA.
10 thousand miles from Dublin,
You rest your head in Adelaide.

It's been hard to stay in touch,
You're out chasing all your dreams.
And I'm sat here
Loving you.
Trying to make plans.
Trying to have adventures.
But not one person I try to have any sort of adventure with has been anything like you.
Not even close.
I doubt I'll ever find another..

We like to fill our bodies with toxic substances.
I understand us so much better now.

I can't decide what I want I'm this place.
Commuters grabbing daily cups of coffee.
And I'm stuck on making a decision as simple as choosing between a cappuccino and a latte.
Why does coffee have funny names?
I wonder to myself.
Maybe it means something to someone.
I really can't decide.
I'm next.
"Small white hot chocolate please"
What?
What did I just say?
I wanted coffee.


I guess the choices we make are already planned out for us in life.
I wasn't supposed to have coffee.
Between the lines my choice was made already.

I understand my decision to leave you now.

I kind of wish I'd kissed you goodbye long enough for you to miss that train.
The next one would be there in 10 minutes but 10 minutes more with you would be paradise.
And I know you're out there living your dreams,
And I'm here trying to stop reminiscing over every second we spent together.
It's really difficult lately..
To walk around this city without feeling happy or sad..
Without thinking of where we kissed.
Which was kind of everywhere.
Ha!
But I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss you.
And that wasn't goodbye,
See you soon.
Or see you later as you put it.
Can later come already?

I never knew you had a mean side.
Wow.
That hurts.
Seeing you angry with me..
Sort of terrifies me.
I have to stop apologising.

Tomorrow pretended to be something it was not
for loving you came too easily
and now thinking back, in hindsight
i shouln't have let you drive

Behind shards of broken glass
we have fallen off steel tracks
no emergency room big enough
for the both of us

poison kisses fill me as you take those first steps
venom seeping into my veins
both of us cannot survive this mess
i leave with a wound bound tight

You taught me to have coffee without sugar.
Only now do I understand what that means.
Bitter lover.

I never wanted to confuse you.
I never wanted you to be left wondering.
But you were.
You layed in bed for endless nights,
Trying to wrap your pretty thoughts around what had happened.
But you didn't know,
Did you?
You told me it was stupid to fall in love at seventeen.
You told me it was stupid to kiss you.
But then you tell me you hope you made a positive impact on my life.
Ha!
Positive?
Not at all....
Writing. That's all I seem to be able to do.
And I am so **** sick of writing about you.
You told me to go out into the world and be adventurous.
But I only want to be adventurous with you.
And I'm not sorry.
You confused me when you wrapped your heart around mine.

I wish you would have left a little part of yourself here.
Something to remind me you actually happened.
That you weren't just a beautiful daydream.
I wish you could have stayed.

I have my own little theory on dreams,
And maybe I'm silly,
And maybe these words won't come out right..
But I'll try to explain.

I think we dream of other people for a reason.
And I believe every time I think of you before I go to sleep,
Before I shut my eyes.
I think you think about me for a split second.
And in that split second,
Of both our pondering thoughts,
That means I'll wake up to visions of you dancing around in my head.

Common ground.
That's what creates dreams.
We need to both be thinking of each other at the same time.
Only for a short time.
But it's truly magical.
Truly something worth waiting for.

So darling.
Stop thinking about me.
When I'm thinking about you.
Because waking from this slumber is hard to do when my brain is telling me to reach out and touch your body next to mine.
But in reality,
You're just a dream.

Oh we had to be careful,
But we were too reckless,
We tore our hearts up.

Oh we had to be careful,
But we were too reckless,
Yeah we fell in love.

Do you feel that?
Is it your train approaching?
Or is it the sound of our heartbreak?
Rumbling, mocking us.
Who falls in love with someone they have only met 8 times?
Idiots.
Reckless idiots.
The last few minutes of goodbye hurt far too much.
Thoughts and emotions spilling out,
Staining one another's soul.
Sorry.
Washing those stains out will be harder than we thought..
The last kiss was the sweetest.
The last goodbye cut even deeper.

Goodbye hurt far too much.
Speechless to the point of no return.
A whole year.
****.

There's just no escaping you.
You're wrapped in all my thoughts.
Your face in every crowd.
My heart is cluttered with feelings of you.
Adelaide road.
A street in Dublin.
But also your Australian hometown.
Crazy.
And now every day I pass there..
Your face will swim in my heart and my mind.
I bet even if I wanted to escape.
Even if I tried my hardest.
I just couldn't.

You catch your flight tomorrow.
Wow.
That week flew by.
Where did the time go?
I'm not ready to say goodbye.
A year.
A year till you're back.
*******.
So much can happen in a year.
So much happened in a week.
So it's been 2 days.
Then 6 weeks.
Then 8 days.
One whole year.
This heartache is gonna linger for a long long time.
Breathing my air through you has been the most amazing experience.
Rooftop kisses.
And other things.
Intertwined in each other.
Cool September air.
Our skin.
God.
I'm gonna miss you

We need to be careful with our hearts.
Being reckless and sneaking out onto rooftops is fun.
And touching each other's skin is fun.
But being reckless with a heart is just cruel.
For the both of us.
Because in the long run we don't really have each other.
We just have now.
And what will happen when now passes?
Where will that leave us?
Friends.
Lovers.
Strangers.
I'd like to think that in a year passing you on a street will bring warm feelings.
Nothing bad.
But heartbreak can change people.
Being reckless is fun.
But it hurts.
We need to be careful while we're being reckless.