I know I haven't been on here in a while. I've been pretty busy with college, and I've just been figuring a bunch of stuff out. Thank you so much to everyone who has been with me over the course of all of this, even through my weird, oddball stuff and all of the shifts in attitude through high school. I hope you are all doing well. I'm doing better. I'll post when I can.

It's kind of funny
I almost didn't have it
But I'm glad I did

'Twas only a year
But everything changed so much
That I'm not the same

I have said little
So caught up in my life that
I have yet to write

Four school principals
But now I am free of that
From FCPS

Rapid fire news
Three different protests aloud
In response to it

And my views have changed
March I did not tell, but then
I joined DSA


I have changed my world
Flipping between three websites
For my social life

I have changed my town
College is hard at times, but
I love it so much

With chosen family
A punk scene and D&D
I don't want to leave

It was not painless
But somehow I got up and
Finally got help

And then I came out
Free from parental meddling
Finally honest

Still I play fiddle
Still I watch Marvel movies
Still the same workplace

But within a year
My worldview has changed so much
And I can't go back

Nor do I want to
In spite of future challenge
I now love my life

So to the new year
No matter what it shall bring
I will be ready

Brethren, now's the time of truth:
Good luck on finals

What keeps me off the dating scene
Are the scars that will become seen

The maladaptive is attractive to those like me
Isn't there a world where you'd rather be
Hours of daydreams at the expense of living
Is worth it for a world more solvable and forgiving
Infection, hiding scars, and makeshift bandages
Are worth it for the focus and the high's advantages
Anonymous self depreciation like a digital confession
Is worth it for hiding my distracted depression
Wandering around with thoughts of the end
Before I start to face down what's going on in my head

This place is now an empty shell
A remnant of my changing self
A colored, gilded chrysalis
That hides what beneath is amiss
And yet I still feel this passion
But in a muted, far fashion
As the strange lights overhead drone
A growing des're to go home

As the day's sunlight begins to lack
I come closer and closer to the crack
For though I swore not
It seems to be ought
What hell will it be to go back

If
I could
Go back to
My childhood days

I
Wouldn't
Do well on
All of those tests
I'd ***** up each one
So no one would expect
That I'd automatically
Ace everything on the first try

I
Would not
Be docile
To all adults
Because then I could
Express my discontent
With the adults in power
With less hesitation now

I
Would not
Quiet down
Stop acting up
Hide my discomfort
So that maybe now
I'd be less afraid to
Show the bad parts of my mind
To show those signs of mental pain

I
Instead
Would make sure
That I could live
As free as I could
Unafraid to fall
Less afraid of power
Maybe not entir'ly free
But enough to want to live now

Summer's duration has come to an end
No longer do I swim upon the shore
The days shorten and the winds start to bend
This crisp air is what I've been yearning for
A month into my time at this new school
And it feels as though this is my true home
I finally live by my self made rule
And I no longer find myself alone
Autum has come and I'm finally free
To be whoever I should wish to be

You say that your friends
Can find a welcoming ear
In their time of need

But I know
Of hundreds of shouting matches
Half as many protested more-than-hugs
Days in and out of manipulation and deceit on both sides
Years of saying "you have no right to feel that way"
Many doged questions
Minutes shouting down every expression that you disproved of
Several iterations of "you'll die alone"
Days and nights hidden in offside rooms for fear
A few good slaps
And a laptop against the wall at age eight
That all demand to differ

I wish I was better, that I could be more
That I could remember enough to keep score
That I could make more than a small change
That my life could have some kind of range
I wish I could speak my world aloud
And not change myself for who's around
I wish I could be a steadier friend
One who'd make a difference in the end
But maybe it's not meant to be
Cause all that's left at the end is me

As the leaves and shade surround me
I wander on, an explorer solitary
Beetle graffiti and fertile earth
Capture my attention as I explore dirt
And though I'm called back for mandatory "fun"
My mind still lingers in the shade and the sun

Friday night lights got me lit up in neon
The sound brings forth an etherial light
Galaxies are made in the great beyond
In the sound of underground bands tonight

Lying under waves of nightime heat lighting
I sit tight and try to stop my mind's  infighting
They say that a bounce back is helped by relaxing
But I'm three months in it and it's still collapsing
I've got one more week to lighten the relapsing
And I'm so tired of sitting and waiting to see
If I can somehow even fix this bizarre psyche
And as I try and as I fail to sleep
I keep realizing I'm in too deep

Some days I wonder if I'm just a distraction
From the relationship's latest course of action
When I'm not held up as a gifted prodigy
I'm just your problem child, one best left sight unseen
Upon wishing I could make myself weep
I realize again I'm in too deep

Why
Am I
The target
Of your ire

When
I was
Not part of
Events transpir'd

Why
Do I
Find myself
Doing the same

As
If I
Didn't know
About such pain

Boba bubbles in our milk tea
Kids in the bathroom getting high
All fashions out in the open
With no dress code to abide
Movies, songs, clothes and parties
"Buy things!" Shout messages to our eyes
Discovering the American ways
From barbecues to facists' ides
Discovering our stance in this world
Making laughter and love on the sly
We'll celebrate our youth as it passes by
Birds of different plumes in an azure sky

Last games with our friends
Before the fall goodbyes
We've got social media on lockdown
Just until our working times
We campaign for people and our earth
Each day we hear more lies
Letting our voices ring out
Under the endless sky

In the summer heat we stroll
Every now and then ducking inside
Most of the prep work is already done
But some college calls still lie to the side
Each day each nation's dystopia grows
And the resistance comes up on the rise
For change, youth, and play are all rising high
In the bright, hot summer sky

At first I had a crush on you
Moths in my stomach 'fore I even knew
Seeing your hair, feeling your strong arm on my side
I have no idea how my feelings managed to hide
Day in and day out, 'till it became moons
Seeing you there would almost make me swoon

But it could never work out, not with the timing
The years apart, relationahip present and ending
And your position in the place where we stayed
Distant, more experienced, not easily ignored or swayed
So I stood there blushing, hoping you'd never see
Just what a fantasizing mess you made out of me

Then events kept us both busy, and apart for days
We seemed to drift our separate ways
And as we did so, the sparks grew dim
Dulling the fantasies I held within
When time passed and we spoke again
I knew that we were only friends

And, quite contrary to every story I've heard
Of years of pining, unrequited love without a word
It was actually better than the way it was before
There weren't akward feelings I had to keep watch for
I became more relaxed, and I had more fun when we talked
And I became freer and goofier as we walked
And I was comfortable enough to get much closer to you
Now that the dynamic was the same from both our views
I once thought otherwise, but in the end
I found we were much better as friends

That
Floating
Patch of light
Dangling in air
For minutes on end
Moving as though pacing
Is certainly either a
Secret government project, or
An alien spacecraft, but
I am both too scared and
Far too tired to
Go outside and
Take a look
On my
Own

It's
A pity
That I can
Stare down a drop
Of beaded water
Pace these same halls for hours
Chef Ramsey vids end to end
But that I can't focus
Any such efforts
So that I can
Do the things
I really
Want

Is
It wrong
That the thing
I miss when you're gone
Is the television's dull hum
The silence is lonely, but the absence is relief
That I can walk down into the kitchen without akward words or my *** getting grabbed

I
Turned on
NPR
And I felt at ease
More at home at night on my own
Than I've felt in a long time, am I so wrong if I

Can't
Say that
I'm upset
Somehow lost when you
Aren't at home in the evening hours?

And
That I'm
Not upset
That I don't have to
Justify every move and twitch
That I prefer to talk to the man who I can't judge?

If
It is
Wrong for me
To think like I do
(Though you do claim to read my mind)

I'm
Not sure
I can show
You who I am now

A hot, humid hill overseeing a river
Beautiful as heaven, but don't try to be a swimmer
Tons of wildlife, but a poisonous dinner

A country close by but so far away
Traffic alone makes up half of the day
For those who want room but not time to play

Museums galore and libraries for all
Most of America's internet is held a few miles off the mall
But the most desired information is behind cash and legal walls

Come a D.C. summer you'll be thunderstruck
Being able to live here costs all your luck
You'll need enough cash to buy food to fill a truck
The best places in town don't cost a buck

There's a little voice inside my head
Telling me all the places I could be instead
And every day, the more I grow
I yearn and ache to get up and go
I keep on smiling, like I'm having fun
But you have no idea how much I want to run

Corsets and skirts and straw hats and
Dream girl
Take me aside with you in the cinema
Dream girl
Ruffles and maroon to your black hair and blue
Hands on front from behind like you want to
Dream girl, won't my parents see from ten yards away
The room is flooding, I'm almost drowning
Dream girl, I can't stay
But panic dies down in a moment, the theater dissapears
And then in that sea all I want is for you to hold me dear
Swimming and kissing and gasping
Dancing and laughing and caressing
Embracing and loving and floating
My eyes misting your raven hair shining
We finally get to disrobing
And then my alarm is ringing
And into my pillow I'm swearing
You know I'd rather be sleeping

Two minutes of time
Just to find a rhyme
In a student's mind
Reading of punishment and crime
Now when will my time come
Where did it all go
Graduation's almost here
And what do I even know
I've been counting down the years
Since I've entered middle school
Now I'm counting down the weeks
And saying it'll be soon
And before the bell rings
Before time is called
I can just pen in a poem
Before I hit the fall

From ashes to ashes, and so from stardust to stardust
Despite the harsh stasis, a mind of wanderlust
From black holes to aliens to a history of time
We bid farewell to a man of great mind

Eros
Someone who tastes like
Ramune and Faygo, smells
Like Shenandoah

Mania
Waiting for six months
Only to find that you are
Eighteen and fourteen

Philia
Eyes just like snowmelt
Soft, cool, and fresh in the spring
Small signs of some hope

Ludus
A homecoming dance
Bumping bodies in a crowd
When your date ditches

Agape
The news surrounds us
Against suburban ap'thy
We are fighting back

Storge
Speaking of the sea
Advanced chemistry, and of
Secrets kept from mom

Pragma
One year of dating
But the sun and earth go back
Farther than we do

Philautia
Maybe we'll see it
Like a rose blooming forth from
Torrential blizzards

Whenever I hear of something bad
Something terrible or quite sad
I don't feel a thing, I just stare
Like a fish that's been caught unaware
An hour after numbness, reality comes in
My feelings arrive like a costal wave breakin'
And in a place with nothing to do with the scene
It is all I can do not to cry and scream
And all through the week it's more of the same
First the lull, then the tidal wave

All I can say now is sorry my dear
For I've known in my heart and in my head
I can not stay, even if you are here
For I'll be mad from my dawn 'till I'm dead
And who knows, for I will never tell you
Of that secret familial held curse
Or if I tell you that this blood runs true
You must know you can not **** this dark verse
For with generations of maniacs
All love from madness can not take me back

Twenty more weeks of high school in all
Twenty more weeks of this ****
It's only 'till June
Let's hope it comes soon
Twenty more weeks of high school in all

Today, I really must declare
My love of stuffed donuts everywhere
From Krispy Kreme to paczki
To Korean ones with read bean
They're a gift, even though they're not rare

Well, this year was far crazier than the last
That's okay 'cause I brought my fight in full blast
After twelve months, the problems are yet to go
But in the face of it all, the strength and support did grow
And it was rough, some months it was hell
But I made it through like a wint'ry cold spell
I came, I saw, I did become
Save the vici for later; I'm nowhere near done

Running down these vacant halls
Behind the stage before curtain call
In these moments, I'm taken back
Three years before the beatten track

And somewhere 'neath that cutrained hide
Comes a feeling from deep inside
Not quite joy, not yet grief
A fleeting moment, yet never brief
And with a gasp in the dark unseen
Comes my gasp, a silent scream

Not even audible, yet still a song
Brand new, but I grew it all along
A wish for a past away from this pain
A wish for future, never to come again
And as breathless words rise up again
I silently mouth my memoriam

For gone is the girl I once was
Yet still she's here, in every cause
Then I didn't know half of what I do now
Never had a clue as to what was about
To happen to me, to my loves and my mind
I want it so bad, like a fool to rewind
But I know to get better, I have to go on
Even if I miss those old patterned songs

So in an attempt to take a stand
Here I type a feeble memoriam
For I can't even start to change it all
My past will always have its power and call
But I must leave and I must grow
So wish me luck and here I go
For though I will fail again and again
Falling back on way back when
I will get up, and then will stand
Shouting in memoriam

Out of stardust from the sea
More than what we thought we'd be
We've come do far from sinew and bones
To our new computerized homes
Each time any tries to step back from nature
It pulls back, luring us closer
For as much as we live in this space
It lives in us, in every place