I miss her
And all the things she didn't know
And the mountains
Covered in the snow
I miss the way she stood
I miss the way she danced
How she could loose herself
Easily in a trance
I miss the way she cried
On the floor at night
Waiting for them to tell her
Being broken was alright
I miss her kaleidoscope hair
A secret screamed out loud
Something she was ashamed of
While saying she was proud
I miss the shy smiles
Hidden behind books
And the ones he gave back
When she caught his look
I miss her
And all the things she didn't know
And the mountains
Covered in the snow

It feels like betrayal to say your name
     So I don't
          I don't say it out loud
               I don't identify you
                    It feels crooked
                         It feels wrong
                    To maintain normalcy
               I spit it out
         It feels acidic
     After choking it down
I want to be here
    I'm addicted to you
         But saying your name
              When it was his too
                   Isn't a romantic confession
                        Just an adulterous taboo

I promised I do
But I do not
I do not want to be alone anymore
I do not want to wish for your snores
I do not want to eat alone, drink alone
Pray, cry, scream, fight alone
I do not want to sit in this empty house that no longer feels like home
I do not want to use my hands to hold myself, to touch myself
I do not want to spend time with anyone else
I do not want to wait here for you
I promised I do
But I do not
I do not want to miss you
But I promise I do

Engines rush past
Blurs of siren sounds and racing red
To the source of the blast
A house is in flames
Ashes fall like rain
The only sounds are crackles and snaps
They aim their hoses
Donning helmets and all
But they cannot combat the blaze
Then a sound from within
Maybe a laugh maybe a cry
Someone brave runs inside
Shouting "I won't let you die"
Climbing and leaping through a seemingly sentient inferno
But they find her there on the floor
Naked save for soot covered limbs
Resting within flames
Crumpled and melting she smiles at them
Used matches raised high she laughs
"You can't **** those who are dead"
As the ceiling caves in crushing their heads

Take me to the days where we laid ourselves down in the grass
And you smiled at me like I was the only person who mattered
Before any of the suffering blossomed colorfully on the surface
We would talk for countless hours that felt like mere minutes
My favorite memories of growing up all have you
You made me into a woman
You will always be the one who held my heart first

I don't lie
Because
When I'm drunk
I can't
I can't lie
I forget how
Or
I **** the consequences
The truth
Has so many consequences
When it follows
A lie
A white lie
Can still land
Like a falling star
Looking so pretty
Up in the sky
But crushing us all
When it lands
Knocked down
By the truth
Don't ask me
Anything
If I'm drinking
Because I'll say it
Wrong
I'll say it
Honest
I'll say it
Crudely
Rudely
Quite un-prudely
And I'll laugh
Like it's funny
To hit you
With the two edged sword
Of reality
Not realizing
I'm gripping
The blade
With my own two
Hands
Coating us both
In enough
Honesty
To honestly
Drown us
So
I don't lie
Because
If I say it
Sweetly sober
Then
We're spared the
Careless calamity coming out crass and crapulent colored lips
Tearing open
Naked truths
I can never
Rewrap

I hope you know how much of my heart you hold
You didn't always let me in
But I saw you
But I see you
I know you
You were who I wanted to be
Sometimes I still wish I was more parts you than me
I don't know if you remember that night
Or if the drugs washed it all away
But I have been sober since the second he touched you
Since the second he said he wanted us both
I was so angry
Only for a moment at you
Because I never told anyone what we did
But apparently you had told this monster
Then he made you cry
Then he grabbed the wheel
Then with words and laughs slurred he tried to crash as we went over and over and over the speed limit
I was so angry
I will never watch anyone hurt you
So I'm sorry I made you cry
You are my sister
The only one I've ever really had
I am so angry
I made you cry

I remember
Deliberately trying
To accidentally
Let you see me naked
Because I thought you could understand me
Sometimes I wonder if you could have
If I hadn't dangled happiness in front of you
And then let it melt away
Into cold, empty, longing
I didn't learn my lesson until after I had left a long trail behind me
Slick and shining under a sad lover's full moon
The silver light reflecting on the blood
And shattered shards sharply slicing
The footsteps that followed mine
I didn't stop to think how
Blinding tugging on heart strings
Would bring down the web connecting us all

if i had the room to breathe
i'd tell you what i really think
if i had the sense to leave
i'd run away before you blink
but i'm not in charge
haven't been for a while
i let you back in
greeted with my smile
you make me into nothing
just a puppet to be worn
pull my strings or cut them
make me wish i wasn't born
they all think i'm crazy
what you do to me
feels better when it's hazy
when i'm numb and can't see
i'm itching begging screaming
with need for sweet release
let the dead things spill out
let them leave me please
i'm shakey sickly scared
to be back here again
addict trembling holding
the beginning of the end
i miss the feeling of clarity
of acute euphoric lust
the bitter sting of reality
making all the noise hush
a sticky sweet sadistic lullaby
calming all my bones
the one time you don't touch me
the one time i'm alone
i will always lose
with you i cannot win
red rivers run high
with the tide of sin

Rip my heart out
Lie to me again
Nothing feels as good
As you ******* with my head
You say forever
But then you walk away
I'll show you who's leaving who
If you were smart you'd stay
I've crossed you not once but twice
Let's make it three times
I'm done being nice
You said I was pretty in pink
But you prefer me in black
I'll wear red to your funeral
And nail the coffin with a laugh
I've cried before
Over boys, girls, and men
Mostly for myself
Cause I'm still not dead
But for you my tears are frozen
My chest numb with the cold
Pebbled, tight, and hardened
My true heart of ice not gold

I broke my heart,
But you broke my mind.
And he broke my body
Just a little at a time.

Don't shed me no tears
When I'm not alive.
Cry for me now
Not when I've died.

Pretty little poison
With no parachute.
Free fall hungry,
With nothing to lose.

The Earth can't hurt me
If we never meet again.
One little tragedy,
A means to an end.

You whisper into my ear at record pace
I could walk away but it would only start a chase
I whimper as you grab me and pull me back by my hair
Desperately I cast sideways glaces to avoid meeting your stare
I feel you pressing against me
Cocking
Your head in time with your gun
I hate how you always get me
Soaking
Trying to drown out my hearts thrum
Casting my thoughts to the angry tide
Needing to avoid your wild rides
Your highs too high and your lows bottomless
It's been years and I don't see a way out of this
You huff a laugh against the column of my throat
My mind within an ocean praying for a line or a boat
The cuts have been too deep
Your blood's mixed in with mine
I wish I could find peace through sleep
But you're still there behind my eyes

Hands on my throat always crushing me down, putting me out, and turning me on
I don't know how you got here but won't you stay and laugh dear
Know one needs to know what we do when we're alone
She don't even miss you and he will never know
Intoxicatingly delicious, so much so it's suspicious
How can you taste so good when the flavor's all wrong
Not sure what I'm doing but I promise I won't stay long
Pin me, choke me, bruise me colorful until I'm pacified
Scream until your throat bleeds every time your heart beats
Necromancy not love, just enough to pretend we're alive
Our fingertips glow in red hot brands leaving us hissing
Cut open from sharp tongues clashing and kissing
Leave through the window never the door
Or you might knock again and ask me for more

I'm so glad you never knew me then,
When I wrote out my pain
With more than my pen.
Bravado and brandy,
Always going dancing.
It was fun until it wasn't.
I was fun until I wasn't.
I was young until I wasn't.
I'm trying to de-age,
Find some youth,
Grasp some juvenile joviality,
Iron out the wrinkles despair and desperation
Have etched into my face.
I wonder if I met you then,
Would we have ended in the same place?
I was sprinting in a marathon of my own design.
I know you could have kept pace
But would we have had the time?
You say you would have died
And that means I'm meant for you.
But are you sure that loving me,
Even in the Now,
Isn't killing you too?

Watch out for the monster under your bed
It's dark and sharp and will fill you with dread
It licks you when you bleed
and eats up your screams
Whispering ugly little words that clog up your head

It's hungry and desperate and watches closely
Waiting for a moment to destroy you - mostly
It laughs when you cry
Begging "just let me die"
Watch out for the monster creeping and ghostly

The monster steals away bits and pieces of you
It prefers when you're angry but will settle for blue
It gobbles your tears
And plants new fears.
One day you'll see that you are the monster too

Your kiss leaves an acid ring that devours my skin
This isn't what I had in mind when you asked me to sin

Your taste is like cold ash sitting on my tongue
You said swallowing fire was supposed to be fun

You tore me apart and never quite pieced me back together
Now I'm hooked on your burn and I'll need it forever

Running your fingers down my arms I lean into your touch
But you always back away and laugh claiming I want too much

I'm addicted to the way your hands mar my flesh
I'm chasing your love like I'm chasing my death

If I could leave you I would but I'm masochistic
If I escaped your torture I know that I'd miss it

Here I am again
Cracked and broken
Heart ripped open
By the claws on the ends of my fingers
They are never coated in blood
A tidy sort of chaos
A mess-less, gutless dissection
Hollow space resides within
Emptied of everything
Shall we count the scars
Or will that bore you
To hear of the surgeries that came before
The operations and treatments
Self directed and self prescribed
By a med school dropout
Disgusting derelict defect
Split neatly into near halves
Tethered by a final pathetic stitch
That I am longing to rip
Free

They say girls like something shiny
And that may very well be true
Bigger is better but I'll take tiny
No matter the size I'll make do

Of course I have my favorites
Or those meant for special occasions
Getting dolled up I want to savor it
Adorning myself prematurely for my sins

Perhaps they get jealous of each other
So maybe I'll take them all out for display
They sparkle perfectly making me stutter
Stroking each longingly before we play

I close my eyes
You stare back at me
Down at me
Like I'm someone
And no one to you
I don't know which
Reality do I belong in
Everything is blurry
You tell me I'm yours
The slap across my face
Guarantees it's true
I open my eyes
The tears sting
As they slide over
The newest bruise
Adding a fresh pop
To the patchwork quilt
You made me

don't worry baby it was just a game just a game i know how much you like those i know how much you like the pain and the tragedy and the mother ******* insanity why else would you talk to yourself so much why else would you **** everyone else as often as you **** yourself we know you're self aware don't play stupid even though you really are stupid if this is the game you choose rattling pills like dice hoping at least one of us will be nice but sorry sweetheart that's not how it's played no one loves you that's why none of them have ******* stayed but don't worry at least you have the voices in you head for ******* company i know playing the game is no fun when your alone so just keep tally until we're done and don't worry i won't tell any of them how much of you is really real and how much is pitch black sin you paint brightly to conceal baby don't cry when i'm here just because you want to die if you hate me so much then why don't you ever leave if you hate me so much then why do you garden with me if you hate me so much then why give me ******* roses you know i pluck the petals and watch them decompose baby why play the game if you can't stand to loose you don't have to stomach it if you choke yourself on ***** but that's never been you that's not the ******* good **** that you crave but drink it any way and choose any bottle for the chase baby it's so funny how sad you pretend to be when we both know the scary part is you don't feel a **** thing so let me help you remember how deep the losses can go baby just remember not to let them show

who would know
   burns so sweet
      stings like salt
         reach so deep
            head tipped back
        twisted little girl
who would know
   fingers curled tight
      red stains faded
         nails deeply embedded
            tooth shredded tongue
        broken little girl
who would know
    who would know
        do you know

I hate that what I want from you
Is something you don't want to give me
I hate that I look at other faces
And I graphically dissect what ifs

Autumn is kissing the swamp maples
and God it feels like foreplay
The air is hinting at the frost to come
and it dances on my tongue
and crawls down my throat
The breeze grips me
like fingernails down my spine
My toes curl and my breath fogs
as I drink down the taste

Possessing a lover can be a feeling so addictive
and I've never know a lust like this

At times I feel like I stole something
             If you rotted
If you have laid yourself into the earth
             Just know that
You made my soil far richer than I could have
             You are the reason I bloomed