I am just so sad
So so sad
It feels so heavy inside my chest
It feels like a fight I cannot win
Over and over again

It just wont let me go
When will it let me go
Give me a break
Let me breathe

I am too tired to tell it to stop
Stop whispering in my ear
Stop telling me what I did wrong
What I'm going to do wrong

It is drowning out everything that is good
It is telling me to be selfish
To leave
I wont
But I get tired of fighting at times
And tonight, I cannot put my shield up
I am too sad

Break your own bones to look the part
Your words are poison to your own soul
Lies are tied loose at the end
So you can untangle them all over again

Manipulate those with strings
Put ones on those who disobey the queen
A sly little devil sat with a crown
A makeshift castle made with a frown

Throne made of eggshells painted in gold
The stench of her pride plague the halls
Oh how daring you are, a threat with no promise
Your sword and men may break on a moments notice

Deny you may of the weight of your weakness
We see the cracks, the glass breaking beneath it
So, for now, I bow to the ruler of all
Who'll fall on her own sword with no one to call

Do you remember me the way I do?
Of course you don't
It's interesting to see, though
You miss me,
But how?
Who was I with you?
Was I delicate and not fragile?
Was I missing pieces and not broken?
Your perspective of me is clouded by rose colored clouds
Am I a one way ticket to what you thought we were?
Sugar coated sweet nothings
Stained my lips in the past
I was consumed with doubts
That you fed not tamed
We covered each others bruises with flowers,
Hoping it will make them beautiful
But flowers are not forever
And so I saw them wither
I don't know who you miss,
But I do not think it is me

She confuses me a lot
She is different now
A winding unstoppable force
And I hate it
I am unable to hold her
To understand what she has become
She is so far away from me
Stepped miles towards somewhere I cannot follow
I do not know her anymore
Who is she to me?
What do I owe her?
She has lost the right to call me anything
She acts as an acquaintance
I just want her back
The way I remember her
When she used to care
To inspire
To be there
When she was still known by my soul
I am deeply torn by her
And she doesn't even know

Where is the beauty in death?
I ask,
A figure of light answers
"I have never looked beautiful in your mind,"
"When a cloud of darkness consumes you, you see me as a gruesome way out."
I have never imagined you as something graceful, I answer
"I have only been ugly because you want me too quickly."
I shiver at my truth,
It echoes in the depths of my soul,
I did not reply
"I am complicated and painful, but never when one is ready. Never when their clock has stopped ticking on its own."
Why has mine continued,
Why has it felt as if the world cursed me with time?
"I am afraid you'd have to ask life that, you have not given him a lot of attention lately."
I am in between,
I feel stuck,
When will you come for me?
"I will hold you gently when the time comes, I promise you it is not today nor tomorrow."
What if I invite you graciously?
"Do not wish for me, I am not a wonderful savior."
But what do I do with this agony? The agony of living?
"You continue on like the rest, you will be able to, I have seen your clock, it is a strong and lasting one."

Panic
Do not
Panic
I am full of it
Sick of it
Panic
My brain weary
A fear stills me
Panic
For tomorrow
Might not come for me

I am nothing
I feel it feeding
Off of the silence surrounding me
Panic
I tell myself over and over and over-

It deafens me,
Ringing constantly
It is always within
An incredible sense of
Panic
I dread that it will never leave
A friend that I will never meet
To ask if it can ever be
More than just
Panic

How to decode
My own intricate being
While I'm stuck in a nonsensical cycle?

I feel my mundanity
Getting the best of me
Convicing me
That my words do not sound
As good as it is, in my head

'It is worthless' they said.

I always miss her when she's gone
I try to tell her when she's near
She thinks she's getting in the way
Of getting rid of all my fears
She doesn't know she keeps me sane
When the rain is pouring out
The sound of banging in my chest
Means she's drowning out the sound

I even miss her when she's here
Under the covers with our hands
Clasped together like we're lost
And we're afraid to let it end

I always miss her cos I'm tired
Of feeling too much again
But feeling nothing causes rips
In my heart that has been worn
So I'll miss her less and less
And maybe then I'll get to be
Strong enough to see,
That she also misses me

The simplicity of my words scare me
The depth of my emotions cannot scratch the surface
A whirlwind of chosen pieces
Fog my mind
I am a slave to a game
I cannot win

How do I become better
At presenting my passions stronger?
I am weak with the thought of failure

It's too late for the sun to save her
Her skin cracks as the cold invades
It sets in,
The unwanted guests of the night

You didn't want to know me,
You wanted to get me,
And got me you did.

My thoughts are holding me hostage
Stuck in a place I built
With the cards I dealt
For my soul's sanctuary

Was it worth the crack of bones
From old brick lies
Hanging round my neck?