The feelings I feel are so confusing to me
No matter what I do I can't make them leave
They hit me and yell and scratch till I bleed
Always around, bringing me to my knees
I feel them in my skin, they buzz in my brain
Mentally I'm in the street laid out in the rain
They rip out my nails and tap dents in my collar bones,
Force me back to my room where I just lay all alone,
Darken my eyes, drain the color from my face
The creature now in the mirror I look at with disgrace

A constant reminder of the love we once shared,
That's no longer there
Personified in the form of a little person,
A little bit of me and a lot a bit of you,
I love watching her figure out what all she can do
Stubborn and curious ,
I wonder if she'll grow to be like you, always furious
So I shower her with love and affection and attention
And shield her from our past, the things we do not mention
You find fault in every role I take,
As a partner you ******, but as a dad I think you're great
A confusing place to be, to hate the man your daughter adores
But I push through and only cry behind closed doors

I'd keep the walls down but
Everytime I let hope remove the bricks
I take arrows to my chest.

I think it might be best
To keep the concrete high
And nurse my wounds in private this time.

****** coffee,
Sleepless nights,
Broken hearts,
And drunken fights.

Words are magic, and pretty, and gold
They make you feel good, and timeless, less old
But words are just words, though pretty on paper,
And when action doesn't follow, you feel worse later

I breathe too much and you hear nothing else
I hold my breathe then I'm gasping for air
Either way I'm too loud

I say I attract toxic,
Deep down I think
I crave it.

They always think I'm dumb
That I don't understand,
I don't know what I'm talking about- I don't have a plan
I ask questions if I don't have a clue, so why is it assumed I don't know what to do?
I'm educated, I always got good grades
Why does everyone treat me like I live in a daze?
They double check me- every word that leaves my mouth, I'm never met with equal standing only others doubts

I'll speak your name

until it's not pretty anymore

Until it's so sharp and so distorted

it burns my cheeks like acid.

I wish I could draw, I dont want to write

Three shades of blue, a couple purple hues

Splattered over ink pen outlines

A figure sat low, knees dug into the ground

Lines overlapping, the details are smudged

What's she begging for you'd wonder,
And who is she begging above?

Tears would streak the page, but it'd just add to the scene

A figure unmoving, an illustration I'd love

But no I can't draw her

So I write her alive, but it's not the same

I can write her feelings, but I'd like to draw her pain

If you can't verbally listen maybe I could visually explain

You chewed me up and spit me out
Like the piece of gum you chew
After a cigarette.

She doesn't even know
You started smoking
Again.

I've been a thousand women
For a handful of men,
Each act greater than the last
But never enough for an encore.

At the end of the night
When I take off my mask,
Ready to be the one they fall for,
It's only emotional baggage left.

So I'll pack it up
And put it away neatly,
In case they ever return,
And I'll yearn
And I'll wish
And I'll dream
For someone to WANT to
Want to be with me

Everyday I come home
I eat dinner at
My table of selfpity
To watch old memories play on
My television of self doubt
Showering in jealousy and hate
Finally forcing sleep on
My bed of loneliness

You look so pretty when you're talking to me,
and just for a second, I want to see what you see.
'Cause if you saw yourself in the way that I do,
you'd realize your worth-
and maybe I'd realize mine too

And in times when she felt so
Alone
Unlovable
Overbearing
She had friends to fight along
Her side

Every time I get closer
to my goal
I feel myself slipping further
into a hole,
I just want to be a success
But my bad side won't give it a rest.

Each time you call me dumb
I believe you
a little bit more.
I'm dumb
for loving someone
Who is not capable of
loving me back.

Once I wanted to be a party girl,
Now I just wanna be your girl.

I don't write very well
I can't find a flow
All over the pages
Every word goes

I don't write very well
The words don't make sense
Sometimes it feels better
To write in past tense

I don't write very well
But I need to express my emotions
And separate my thoughts
From this world's commotions

Forty three patients, forty three lives, all counting on me under a license thats mine,
There's medicine to pass and treatments to be done, I'm trying to be fast but I am only one,
Her blood pressures low but his blood pressure is high, bed 36 is in so much pain now that they've begun to cry,
I don't mean to be so in and out, I want to take my time and ease your doubts,
a listening ear,
a reassuring touch,
But its hard to manage when corporate doesn't care about patient care so much,
To me you are person, to them you are dollar signs, I want to hear about the life you've lived but if I don't chart we'll be fined,
I'm trying so hard to get everything done, I want to be there for you,
But if I fall behind on this paperwork, they'll just replace me with someone new.
So I'll brush your hair and bring your favorite snack, after I pass all these pills I'll try to come back,
I want to take the time to listen to you
While I can't chat for 45 minutes, even when I'd really like to, I remember which pudding you prefer your medicine in, and your sons and daughters names too
I know what time you'll likely be in bed, and the time you'd like to get dressed, I know it's not enough, and I know you get depressed,
But I hope you can feel I care for you

I wore my heart on my sleeve
For way too many years
And now she is tattered and torn

I still ball up the shreds
And hand them to men
In hopes she won't come back worse

I always run to your bed when I'm lonely,
And fifteen minutes later I'm still lonely but at least I'm
satisfied.

A ghost or a shell
I never can tell
When I look in the mirror
And everything's weird
The smile I miss
Now a thin line so crisp
The glaze in my eyes
Since the glow died
This skin isn't mine
This body feels like a crime
I don't recognize what I see
I just want to feel like me

Better off now than I ever was
Better space, better place

Richer now than I ever was
Richer space, richer place

Safer now than I ever was
Safer space, safer place

Lonelier now than I ever was
Lonely space, lonely place

You can't figure me out?
The picture on the box is clear
Piece me together, take your time
Frustrations rise
Pieces are bent
Impatience is high
And my pieces are lost

I was made of fabric
Hair like silk framing my face
Naive eyes looking every which way
And through rough palms
I was strung along
And changed into tattered lace

I was made of leather
Firm but flexible
Looking for pleasure
I thought I knew better,
Had found the right way
I had to learn it hurts just as bad
To bend but not break

I am made of steel
Solid and sturdy, I don't have to feel
I can keep myself safe
It's okay to be alone at the end of the day
I built myself up, I filled my own cracks
It haunts my heart to think of my reckless past

I've shown you all my favorite things,
But you never remember.

I could tell you something yesterday
And you'd act like it had been forever.

Restless and stressed over things
I cannot control
I wish I could stand back
And look at things as a whole.

She wants me to fail, and I know it.
I'm too intoxicated by her presence to care.