I think it's better if I leave.
Nobody to hurt anymore,
Nobody worry for me.
I can't stand to be around.
I think it's better if I go.
I'm never going to be that person,
Never going to be missed at all.
I can't carry on.
So here I go....

I can't do this,
I'm only fooling myself.
I can't go on like this,
I don't feel right here.

I think I've dealt enough with this.
Too many people I've let down,
Too many people I have missed.
It's better if I'm gone.
I think I've put you through enough.
Too many tears I've seen fall,
Too many fears I have held.
It's so hard to go through.
So here I go...

I can't go on like this,
I've fear of hurting you more.
I can't go on like this,
I'm scared of losing you.

I think I've made many mistakes.
Not ones you're likely to let go,
Not ones you will ever forget.
Let me go now.
I think I've done too much damage.
No one to hold anymore,
No one to tell me I'm okay.
Let me go now.
I'm ready....

I guess its been a while
Since I've felt okay,
Since I have smiled.
Me, they say is so put together
But I'm lost inside.
I've forgotten what its like just to feel okay,
Just praying for a day when there is no more rain.

Now I'm
Left here breaking down,
Crying all through the night.
Just hiding away from the world.
This time I'll keep it all inside!

I hardly feel alive,
Just going through the motions
But I'm done with trying.
This pain that's inside, unbearable,
Just getting worse everyday.
I wish that I could hide away!
I wish that I didn't exist!

Now I'm
Left here breaking down,
Crying all through the night.
Just hiding away from the world.
This time I'll keep it all inside!

I feel so low,
I've hit the bottom
With nowhere to go.
I just need to escape!

These words that stay trapped inside my head
As I gnaw at my tongue
Preventing the painfully true "I think I love you" from escaping.
My fears of rejection causing palpations of my heart
Rippling through my veins
Tearing at my lungs
Until I wish to force a knife through my throat.
My thoughts walk through my mind with a killing smile
Sensing discordant anxiety roaring through my chest
Until I am a quivering shadow of emptiness.
What is my purpose in this god forsaken, cruel world?
Within my head, thoughts of suicide echo off the once joyful now turned to black memoires
Of the times I could truly smile.
It's not that I want to die
Its just that my depression eats at my body
Destroying me from the inaide
Until now I can no longer take it and suicide...
Yes! Dreaded suicide has become my only other option
As I no longer can see myself living this intoxicated lidfe
Which drains the heart and soul out of me.
For you see I am a mere human who has lost herself to the bitterness
And your sympathy and words of "its not your fault" make me believe otherwise.
I'm already dead!
Trapped in a shadowy figure of a girl you all think you know.
Beaten down until the point of unbearable decision and pain.
Suicide is my only option.
Its not that I wanted to die, but I can no longer live!

These words that stay trapped inside my head
As I gnaw at my tongue
Preventing the painfully true "I think I love you" from escaping.
My fears of rejection causing palpations of my heart
Rippling through my veins
Tearing at my lungs
Until I wish to force a knife through my throat.
My thoughts walk through my mind with a killing smile
Sensing discordant anxiety roaring through my chest
Until I am a quivering shadow of emptiness.
What is my purpose in this god forsaken, cruel world?
Within my head, thoughts of suicide echo off the once joyful now turned to black memoires
Of the times I could truly smile.
It's not that I want to die
Its just that my depression eats at my body
Destroying me from the inaide
Until now I can no longer take it and suicide...
Yes! Dreaded suicide has become my only other option
As I no longer can see myself living this intoxicated lidfe
Which drains the heart and soul out of me.
For you see I am a mere human who has lost herself to the bitterness
And your sympathy and words of "its not your fault" make me believe otherwise.
I'm already dead!
Trapped in a shadowy figure of a girl you all think you know.
Beaten down until the point of unbearable decision and pain.
Suicide is my only option.
Its not that I wanted to die, but I can no longer live!

I'm feeling so tired
To the point I can't bare to stand.
I'm feeling so drained
To the point I can't bare to be around.
I'm done with the caring, the trying, the breathing
I'm done with the hatred, the crying, the bruising.
I'm just so sick of it all
I want to give up and throw it all away...
I'm tired of the hurt and
Weak from the pain
I want to be free
And this way I can

I was not good enough for that.

Happy to be someone's rebound,
But he that decent guy for them.
Use me to fill some kind of void,
Always taking something you could never give back.
I gave you everything that I had to offer
But you threw me away like yesterday's garbage.
So happy to be a decent guy for everyone else,
But I guess...

I was not good enough for that.

I will not tell you that I am weak
or that my tears threaten to spill
because I do not want you to know me like that.
I do not want you to look at me with eyes full of pity
for I am not as fragile and as broken as you think!

I will not tell you that I fear life
or that at night I feel a sullen emptiness inside
because I am afraid that if I do, the darkness will take over.
I do not want to let these demons win,
so I will pretend that all is okay and that I can not sense them.

Its so hard to be near you when I feel this way
Trying to bite my tongue, not let the feelings show
But when you come close my heart skips a beat.
I’m losing my mind not knowing what to do.
Wishing everyone would just stop, leave it all alone
‘cause my heart can’t take this any more.
I can’t take this, but I can’t let go.
All I know is...

It feels so good, its not good,
How could it be so wrong?
I think back, I get stuck,
Don’t know which way to go!
I wish we could, I’m hoping we could find a way...
Why can’t it just be simple?
I try stand, forget it,
It’s just so tough.
I wish we could, I’m hoping we could find a way...

It’s so hard to know where you stand, stuck in this
Wanting to love you but I’m afraid of this.
When we’re apart, its you that I miss!
Wish I could bottle all my feelings, get rid of everything
Just stop these feelings ‘cause I don’t want to get hurt
Oh, I don’t have the strength too...

It feels good, its not good,
How could it be so wrong?
I think back, I get stuck,
Don’t know which way to go!
I wish we could, I’m hoping we could find a way...
Why can’t it just be simple?
I try stand, forget it,
It’s just so tough.
I wish we could, I’m hoping we could find a way...

Lets try and start a new chapter
Turn the page, lets start today, we’ll create our story the way we want.
Its so obvious that this can never be our life...

It feels good, its not good,
How could it be so wrong?
I think back, I get stuck,
Don’t know which way to go!
I wish we could, I’m hoping we could find a way...
Why can’t it just be simple?
I try stand, forget it,
It’s just so tough.
(Why’s it so tough)
I wish we could, I’m hoping we could find a way...

I wish we could, I’m hoping we could find a way...
Hoping we could find a way...

Help Me!

A silent scream that cannot escape my lips,
hinted through the smallest of gestures
hoping someone will see the damage I have done to myself!
Tear stained cheeks and bloodied bitten lips,
broken nails and ripped up skin
a reality of my mental health,
a disheveled mess I know should be fixed.

Help me!

A plea for help getting quieter
knowing no-one cares to hear an empty shell,
a wilted flower, slowly fading out of existence.
Wanting so desperately for someone to see me,
waiting for the day I feel edging closer.
Hanging by a thread because it's all too much.
When I say things are okay, see the pleading for someone to stay.

Help!

I fear I maybe too far gone.
The begs for life are nothing more then a lump in my throat.
All that lays near is a broken and beaten down shadow,
an empty, hollow nothingness invisible to the eye.
No longer feeling like I deserve a place here.
Pushing everything and everyone away, no-longer caring.
It's okay if you go, I won't be here by tomorrow.

I never thought I could cry so much
As the stars traced the sky.
My heart it breaks as the seasons change,
God I wish I could change your mind.
For you see, you mean the world to me
And I can't stand to let you go,
But you've made up your mind
Now you've said goodbye.

I guess I should try to move on,
Let you go and stop the tears.
I guess I should try and get a hold of myself,
Act so strong until I'm on my own.
I won't let them see just how much
This is breaking me... So I guess
I've got to be moving on and letting go!

I never thought I would fall as hard as I did
Just like a wrecking ball, my feelings took me out again.
I never thought I could get so attached
I guess I should have saw it coming
'Cause no-one ever stays around long enough to see me for me.
Now I'm stuck here wondering
If you ever meant you cares
Because you've left me here, longing for my heart to stop beating.

I guess I should try letting go,
Please stop the flow of these tears.
I guess I should try and find the strength to keep moving forward;
Act so strong as if there is nothing wrong.
I won't let them see just how much
This is breaking me... So I guess
I've got to be moving on and letting go!

I'm nothing but an option to you,
There are a thousand things you would rather do
Then talk to me in several days,
But then again you don't see that do you?

Its clear to see you're drifting away,
Would rather play a computer game
Then even bother to see if we're okay
But then again, you don't really care.

I thought you cared but clearly not.
You say you're sorry but things always stay the same.
I'm not sure what there is left for me to do
Because I'm tired of fighting for you to show me you care.

And just like that I hurt another person...
Just like that I sabotaged a friendship beyond repair...
Just like that I destroyed myself all over again...
And just like that I let all the ******* who hurt me win all over again!

Maybe if I tried to forget you.
Wipe away all our memories,
Then I could close my eyes and get some sleep at night
Breathe and feel okay when you don’t call.
Some nights I look up at the stars
Just so I can feel like I’m next to you.
Each night, it gets harder being here without you
So I shut my eyes and let the tears role down…

Please don’t tell me you’re letting me go!
Please don’t tell me you’re going to be moving on!
Just turn around and walk the other way
Because I can stand another heartbreak.
I can’t stand to see you turn away.

Maybe if I stopped depending on you,
Hide the fact this is hurting me
So you can never see through my tears
Because I’m longing to feel your arms again.
Some nights I wish upon a star
Just so I can be where you are.
Each night, how I pray just to hear from you
So I try to close my heart from these feelings I have of me and you.

Please don’t tell me there’s nothing left here for us!
Please don’t tell me there’s no time left at all!
If it’s the end please turn away
Because I don’t want to hear you say it.
I can’t stand to see this fall apart.

Life, is a beautiful messed up mystery
It can make you laugh, how it can make you weep.
Somedays you can feel like your floating on air,
others you can be crying staring at the moon,
feeling lost and broken, looking for a way out.

Sometimes you feel like you just can't lose,
other days you want to hit refresh.
But there are times when you know there's so much left.
So when life gets too much,
Never forget the beauty in sunsets, the late night kisses 'till the morning comes.

Listen,
To the silence of thousands
Screaming and singing a song of freedom.

Listen,
To the millions of hearts breaking
As their world is ripped apart, turned upside down.

Listen,
As someone begs for you to take their hand
And lead them away from this nightmare.

Listen,
Because the silence speaks volumes
If you care to listen close enough!

Listen,
To the voices of thousands who cannot speak up
But need someone now more than ever!

Listen,
Because maybe that is what can save a life.
Maybe that is what could have saved mine!

Lonely, darkened thoughts of what once was,
happy childhood memories of frolicking in autumn leaves,
dancing round in the summer sun rays
knowing nothing more than childhood innocence.
But how fast the seasons can change!

Nights of tears and wondering why.
Why was I the one you decided was not good enough?
Why was I the one you believed would amount to nothing?
Now in my head, a plague of demeaning phrases
Mimicking your voice of 'little girl, sit down and be silent'!

Echoes! Echoing torments of my life flash before me
as soon as another tries to help me see different,
But maybe I do not wish to be fixed,
Maybe the broken, empty, pain is what makes me, me.
But right now, all I see is an emptiness... beckoning me to an end!

When you notice me staring into nothingness,
Do not call me back,
I am trying to imagine a better day.

When you see me write incoherent words,
Do not ask me for their meaning,
I am trying to make sense of these thoughts inside my head.

When you see my nails sink into my arms,
Do not tell me to stop,
I just long to feel something that's not emptiness.

When you see me tugging at my clothes,
Do not ask me why,
I am just nervous of what people may think of me.

When you see me walking alone,
Do not come to my side or try to reach me,
I'm just trying to calm myself down.

If you ever see marks or bruises on my body,
Do not ask what has happened
Because I do not know myself.

If you ever see cuts or scars on my arms,
Do not pretend you know how it feels,
I'm not looking for your sympathy, I just need a release.

If you ever see my body tremble,
Please do not ask me why,
I am willing myself to just stop and breathe.

If you ever see me rocking myself,
Please do not make your jokes,
I just need to feel comforted at times.

If I ever arrive late,
Do not ask me where I have been,
I was busy trying to control the urges.

If I ever seem distant with you,
Please do not ask me what I'm thinking,
I am probably just wanting to disappear.

If I ever say I do not care,
Do not be fooled,
I am just probably tired of hearing these 'jokes'.

If I ever make a mess of things (like usual),
Do not yell at me or make me feel small,
I will clean up my mistakes, it just takes time.

If I ever hurt you,
Do not hate me,
Sometimes I just forget how to act.

If I ever cry on your shoulder,
Do not be uncomfortable,
It just means I am comfortable with you.

Please do not ask me if I am okay
Because I am never okay.
I am just surviving.

Please do not try to figure me out,
I am only human,
I just like secrets.

Please do not try to hug or touch me,
It makes my skin crawl,
I am not used to that touch.

Please do not try to comfort me,
Its not helping.
Just stay within reach, stay quiet,
Empty your mind of doubt.

If I'm ever crying or just being dumb
And I tell you to leave me alone,
Don't...I'm just too scared to admit I need you.
I need you to hold me when I feel so broken.

Everyday it seems you're slipping further away,
We're losing touch, you do nothing but push me away
And you don't seem to care at all that I'm fighting for this...
No matter how many times I try,
I just can't break through to you.

If you don't want this anymore then please tell me
'Cause I'm tired of drowning in these tears almost every night.
I'm sick of feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle
Over and over again
And you think saying sorry every time is going to work!

Tell me why you never seem to have the time anymore,
Tell me if this is even worth the fight?
I'm sick of feeling like I'm the only one trying in this.
I feel lonelier each time even though
It's supposed to be me and you!

If you're going to make me feel lonely
Please tell me you don't want me anymore,
Because I would rather be lonely alone
Then feel like I'm in this all alone.
Won't you please just talk to me again...?

Overpowering waves of guilt,
Trying hard to ignore the fright
Longing to forget the past
And move on from what holds me back.

This voice inside your head
Torments you and tells you things untrue.
This voice you hear inside
Talks with you and tells you lies.
This voice I know you hear so clear
Is pulling you away from me.
This voice you say is apart of you
Is pulling you away from me.
This voice that is taking control
Is ripping you away from reality.
This voice you choose over me
Is rejecting the promises you made.
This voice which is your enemy
Is becoming your only companion.
This voice which you say is company
Is scaring me and I'm losing you.
This voice which gives you ideas
Is taking over... Will I still have you tomorrow?

Lost...

All I ever seem to be is lost,
lost inside my own head.
Overcrowded bundle's of yes and no's
what's and whys,
To and Throws

Lost inside myself.
trapped in a labyrinth that is my own thoughts
unable to escape
the more I turn
the further there is to go.

Will I ever find my way out of this black hole?
Swallowing me, holding me hostage in the night
chained to the very thought that I am abandoned,
lost to the darkness, forever unknowing.
Tormented and bruised from the pain of the past.

You see I've never been good at this whole love thing.
Not to you
Nor to me.

Love is but a torturers way of tearing you apart.
I will never say those words,
I will never feel their meanings.

I will build these walls up around my heart
In order for mw not to feel
In order for me to forget.

I'm nothing more than a failure in the love department.
I can't love my family,
I can't love my friends.

You see to me love is a shout into the black abyss...
So dark and unbecoming
Is a four letter word really worth all the pain?

Trying to speak my mind
You never seem to realise
How much you truly mean to me.
Trying to make you see
But you're never listening
You need to try and sort things out.

Maybe one day you will realise
That friends and family are here.
Maybe one day you will listen
And hear the words I say.
I guess someday maybe
You will realise I care,
It doesn't matter who you say you are
I'll be here for you I swear.

It's like your always hurting
You expect me to be there
But some days I'm trying to stop
Myself from ending it all
But I'm still there for you
Like you want me to be.

Maybe one day you will notice
That I'm never far away from you.
Maybe one day you will hear ne
And believe the words I say.
I guess someday maybe
You will see what I see,
It doesn't matter what you say to ne
I'm always by your side.

Maybe I am blinded
By the future I see for you
But believe me when I tell you
How special you are to me.
You're the brother I always wanted
And I won't let you go.

Maybe one day this will be over
And you won't feel this pain anymore.
Maybe one day you'll be happy
Without a care in the world.
I guess someday maybe
You will realise your worth,
It doesn't matter what you're going through
You will not be going alone.

Maybe you shouldn't come back to me.
I've been thinking too much,
I'm sorry for all the times
I can't find the words to reply.
Maybe you shouldn't come back,
I'm tired of getting so mad at you
And I'm scared we're only going to get let down...
Maybe you shouldn't come back to me.
Is it really worth all this confusion?
Is it really worth the tears that are shed?
We're only making this harder then it needs to be.
Maybe you shouldn't come back to me... I'm sorry.

I should never of told you
How much I was hurting,
I should never of told you
How much I was bleeding out
Because I've now let you down...
This was my biggest mistake.

I've heard what's been said
How you tell me I should die.
You laugh and you joke
When you know that it hurts.
You can't even look me on the eyes
This was my biggest mistake...

You push me away from you
I know it's hard to take in
I know it's not what you want
But I can't help this way I feel
I've tried to hide it from you
But it's too late you want me to disappear.

You've stood there and joked about me
Left me feeling so small and worthless.
You don't seem to realise this makes it worse.
I'm agreeing with what you said
I'll **** myself, you all win.

The biggest mistake I made
Was ever telling you the truth.
The biggest mistake I made
Was believing you are true family.
The biggest mistake I made
Was living for this long.

Carry me away on your
Silent moon beams
That grace the night skies
With gentle visions of peace.

Help me to drift away on
Nights so silent
Filled with dreams to come
And tears of things gone astray.

Wrap me up within the
Night skies somber embrace.
A lullaby of thoughts
Waiting to be dreamt or felt my the few

"It always has to be about you,
Don't you ever think of anyone else?
You're so selfish, you're so stupid.
I've got to do this all again next year."

I'm the eldest child and growing up fast
University soon and you won't help.
You taunt and mock me
Tell me I can't make it,
Now you don't even want me to go but threaten me if I don't.

Struggling to find a way to manage my time,
School, cadets, open days, all the musts.
You tell me you won't help me get there,
I'll just go on my own that's fine.
But no I'm too selfish to be worth your time.

I'm not worth your time I know,
You often tell me that enough.
I'm selfish and don't realise you have other kids you say
I do realise that but I need your support too.
I'm not as strong as you presume I am.

"It always has to be about you,
Don't you ever think of anyone else?
You're so selfish, you're so stupid.
I've got to do this all again next year."

I look in the mirror
I see nobody worthy.
I see a fat, ugly, lonely girl
Staring blankly back at me.
I make a promise that day
That I will change the way I am
I don't care how extreme this is
Welcome to my ABC diet.

A...
Anorexic I strive for
Perfectly skinny
Bones showing through my tender skin.
A...
Anorexic I long for,
Perfect and what you want
My mirror is beckoning me.

B...
Bulimia I now seek
Throwing up the minimum I eat
Helping maintain a figure worth looking at.
B...
Bulimic sounds so scary
But it's helpful all the same
My mirror is screaming it'll be worth it in the end.

C...
Calorie counting day in, day out
Watch the number consumed.
Minimum a day and I'll be worth keeping around.
C...
Calorie counting
The lower consumed, the skinnier I'll be
My mirror taunting your not pretty or thin enough yet.

I look in the mirror
I see nobody worthy.
I see a fat, ugly, lonely girl
Staring blankly back at me.
I make a promise that day
That I will change the way I am
I don't care how extreme this is
Welcome to my ABC diet.

I wake up every morning wishing that I hadn't and its a battle to get up and ready for school. When I manage to go in I act happy and cheerful and no one seems to see through my disguise. That's why it's so hard for me to find any reason to stay alive, I know no one would care or notice if I disappeared tonight or tomorrow, no one would miss me.
   School is hell to me. It used to be my only escape but now it's where the people speak and whisper their lies and rumours. It's where they bad mouth self-harmers and suicidal people, it's where they don't care who they hurt as long as they stay cool.
   Coming home after school is a nightmare, I know it's where my mum's disappointed face awaits me to question me about my day. I know it's where one of my little sister rubs it in my face that she is better than me, and finally it's where my youngest sister is so sensitive and naive that the cuts on my wrists are mysterious to her. All I do is fail, disappoint and let people down.
   Evening comes and my thoughts are even wilder then they are through the day; this is the only time I eat a meal and I fell backing  about that. Evenings are were I get worse, where I feel myself slipping under. The evenings are the Times when I long to **** myself. I hate life and when I finally fall asleep I wish I never wake again.
   One day my story will change; I would have no morning and I would  have no night, I would have a coffin and a whole in the ground. I would be happily dead hopefully sometime soon.

What a match, oh what a pair,
my broken china doll and I.
Abandoned in dark corners, where no-one ever sees.
Cracks and broken pieces lay scattered on the floor
of a once cherished child and a once treasured toy.
Now you may never see it, but we weep, both her and I
for discarded things have feelings
if not always naked to the eye.
My broken china doll and me
don't understand what we have done.
For objects once dressed up in pretty things
became fragmented, tortured lumps.
It's not always understood,
why we throw away all broken things,
because sometimes they're most beautiful
if we only ever were to look within.
Now we may be broken and discarded,
never to be repaired again
but with a little helping hand, we could learn to grow.
For through our cracks the sunlight could seep,
making us feel whole again.
But my broken china doll and I
maybe too far gone to ever be saved.

You stare at me from where you lay,
From the darkest corner of my room.
Your porcelain face so fragile, so bleak,
Not so perfectly sculpted.
Cracked all down one side
With your creepy broken eye,
Nothing left but a black hole like hell.

You sit and wait so silently until nightfall,
You stir and come to life.
Mesmerising yet dangerous with a melodic haunting laugh.
Your gaze so intense, your motions so forceful
Beckoning my broken soul to your hell.
Day light comes and your charade starts over,
This seeming nothing more then a dream.

Together we lay down, your tiny hand in mine,
Your icy cold grip, so frightening, so soothing.
Enchanting, entrancing, torturing my mind;
Your broken eyes leading to he'll
Draws my broken heart, mind and soul to you.
The words you spoke to me the last night I live
So captivating, like a deathly glorious spell:

            "Come into the night with me,
              Your scars will bleed but
              No one around you cares.
              Come into the darkness with me,
              Open your eyes upto meet mine
              I'll take you away, miles away
              From everyone you've ever known.
              Come into the night with me,
              I will guide you through this the easy way
              Both of our hearts won't beat any longer.
              No more emptiness inside.
              Open your eyes to this hell we share:
                        Death!!"

You stare at me from where you lay,
From the darkest corner of the room.
Left thinking, should I follow you?
My little porcelain doll.

In denial from the moment I found out,
Knew if it were true I have to turn my life around.
Ignored the fact that you were there the whole time,
knowing I was never treating myself right,
maybe that's why you were taken too soon.

A little life I didn't know if I even wanted,
Coming to terms with you being there always.
Trying to fix how I walked through life
'cause I knew I had to do right by you.
A little star that I never got to meet.

Although you had barely began to grow,
you never got to hear my voice
I never got to feel you move...
Now a days I wonder if it was my fault you never made it here,
if it was my fault my little star was taken too soon?

A little life I didn't know if I even wanted,
Getting everything on track so I could meet you.
Without being born you managed to save me
from situations I should have never been in.
You were my little star that I never got to meet.

Last night I watched the stars
Shine so bright and hold me captive.
Last night I shed a thousand tears
For someone who couldn't care less.
Last night I wanted one simple answer
And you couldn't even give me that.

I asked myself all night
If you're worth all this pain.
I asked myself and begged
For my mind to let you go
But it's an impossible task for me to do.
Why do I care more then I should?

I needed one answer, that's all I asked
You couldn't even give me that.
What's holding you back from the truth?
I needed to know exactly what you thought
And yet I feel you still held so much back...
Please I need to know...

Always wished I was taller, thinner,
walked a little taller for you.
Wished I kept quiet, kept my mouth shut,
never answered back now for you.
See I cried so many tears, wasted all my time
while I let you cast a shadow all over my life.
I only wanted to be good enough for you.

If I was enough for you
would you have still cheated and never called back?
would you have told me I was acting crazy when you disappeared for days?
If I was enough for you,
would I of had to starve to shrink to the size you wanted?
would I of had to show you all my cards?

All I ever wanted was for you to see me,
Gave you everything I had to give.
Got swept up in a whirlwind, breakdown
Getting too caught up in trying to maintain your standards.
You always used to tell me to shut up,
to act a certain way when we were together...
Maybe I really was going crazy

No matter how many times you tell me
I'm never letting you go...
My hand is here for you to hold
You don't have to go alone
I'm never going to let you go...

I know the sky is stormy,
It seems there's no end
But look at me when I tell you
There's always away
Away to get through this....

So let the rain pour down for now,
I'm always here for you,
You never have to go alone
I promise you that...
There is not a day that goes by
That I don't wish I could take it all away...

I know that it's hard
Believe me I'm there too
But I believe in you, you'll find away.
Never give up, you're strong enough
But when it gets too much
I am here....

No matter if the rain is pouring,
You're not going to go this alone....
No matter if the world stops turning,
I'm here to catch you when you fall....
I'll stand by you....

I know I may never be the first
Or maybe not the last
But I have feelings like all the rest
Not someone you can tear apart.
For I'm fed up of being used,
Only wanted when it's right for you
Abandoned plans lay scatterd on the floor.
Why am I never enough
For someone to stick to what they say?
Am I that easy to ignore?
Neglect?
Forget?
Or for you to just simply walk away.
It seems so easy for you
To ignore that I exist
I guess thats what you get
When you're nothing and never were....
Is it really so easy for you to pretend
That I was never really here
You know the right things to say
To keep me near
But only when it best suits you.
You couldn't give a ****
That you're the company I have
For you have everyone else around
And I could never mean anything to you!

When did I come crashing down?
When did I reach the bottom?

I never realised
Just how much I seem to cry,
Every night without fail.

I never realised
How bad I really was
Till I blacked from loss of blood.

I never realised
How much it hurt
Until I could no longer feel.

I never realised
That I no longer cared
If I never woke again.

Maybe I'm getting weaker,
Slowly giving up all together.
I never realised, well I guess I did
I just lied to hide the truth and pain.
Truth is I never knew the right words to say.

When did I lose my rich on reality?
When did I only long for death?

There are too many times when i feel so alone,
when i can't wait to close my eyes
but there are nights right now where i fear for my life
as i remember all that has happened.
So as days turn to nights and i watch the sunrise.
I can't help but wish i wasn't alive!

So tonight when i close my eyes
I'll beg for the nightmares to stay at bay,
but the nightmares they're always my memories,
of his hands all over me till I can't breathe.
I wake up in tears, wishing that this would all go away!

I remember the times that this happened,
wishing everything would just end.
I thought i was supposed to feel safe in myself,
but now i feel like i can't trust a soul.
Why is it men feel like they can have everything they want?
Now i'm left here so broken, afraid i can never move on.

I don’t think you’ll ever know,
How it feels to be all alone.
Just holding on to anything,
Just to keep these tears at bay.

My shoulders feel heavy
And my chest is tight.
I just want to make it through the night,
Hoping that you don’t see
I’m fighting not to give it.

I don’t know how I got into this,
Been fighting with myself just to hang on,
I know you can’t see what’s killing me...
But never mind, you’ll never know.

My mind is a battle field.
I’m just stood in no-mans land,
Don’t care if I’m hit.
I won’t open up just in case you run
My mind is a dark place, just shutting down...

I feel so alone,
No-one blowing up my phone
Asking if I am okay.
No ones heard from me in days
Too busy in my own head anyway.
Not like anyone is calling
To see if I'm still around.

I'm so tired of always being
The first one to ask to if they're okay.
I'm so tired of being
The one that everyone can talk too.
I wish I no longer cared,
And I wish I had someone to do the same for me.

Right now I am all alone,
Wishing I had someone to call home.
Wishing I had someone I could call
When I'm feeling this way.
I feel so lost and confused,
Wondering where I went so wrong.
What must I have done
To have noone here at all...?

Tangled up in thoughts,
These words circling my head.
blades lay out beside me
Ready for the first cut.

Tangled pieces of my heart
Unable to make amends.
I'm lost for words
And so it seems
I'm out of my witts end.
I'm struggling to face it
I'm struggling to live.
I think I have enough strength
To take this life I live.
I've had enough if misery
The lies the heart ache too
But deep inside I know the truth.
I'm nothing without you.
But people say they understand
Could this really be.
I take this blade, I take this knife
And then I count to 3.
The more blood that is flowing
The easier it seems
To hide away all of my pain
So it will never be seen.
I'm finally going to do it.
I have the courage now.
I'm going to end this life I leave
No one can stop me now.

Always wished I was taller, thinner,
walked a little taller for you.
Wished I kept quiet, kept my mouth shut,
never answered back now for you.
See I cried so many tears, wasted all my time
while I let you cast a shadow all over my life.
I only wanted to be good enough for you.

All I ever wanted was for you to see me,
Gave you everything I had to give.
Got swept up in a whirlwind, breakdown
Getting too caught up in trying to maintain your standards.
You always used to tell me to shut up,
to act a certain way when we were together...
Maybe I really was going crazy

Nothing more then slamming doors
A family war
I see when I close my eyes.

I hear their voices raising,
The rest are crying
Why won't these memories leave my mind?

I remember it all so clearly,
The nights that they both left.
Three little girls with no farther and their mother how she wept.

I long for the days that I can finally feel safe
But then again, they're all the same.
Tell you they care, but eventually walk away.

All I remember is the screaming voice
The glass how shattered with the slamming of the doors
And then they're gone.

I have a story which I have never told.
I've been in pain so much longer then you know
But I don't want to dwell on it much longer.
I just hope you know, all this pain you've caused
Has made me stronger then you could ever know.

Now I was a victim,
I'll never let you push me around again.
Now I'm a fighter,
I'll wear my scars without shame.
Now I'm a warrior,
I won't let this break me anymore.
Now I'm a survivor
In more ways then you know.

They try to label me,
Tell me who I'm supposed to be
But I'm not giving in to that.
On a scale from 1 to 10
They try to tell me how I am
But I'm better then that,
I don't need your numbers because

I am perfect as I am
I don't need you to tell me
Who I'm supposed to be.
Hey, why is it we get objectified?
Told we are not perfect as we are
And that we have to change
In order to belong.

Why is it everyone wants to be on top,
Looking like the "perfect" person they see in magazines?
Nobody seems to realise
We're made to be who we are
Not some fake idea
And unrealistic dream where nobody feels good enough.

We are perfect as we are
We can be whoever we choose to be
There's no reason that
We should change at all.
We are not somebody you can alter
Or try and squeeze into that box
We all belong as who we are!

I don't want to sit around waiting for a knight in shining armour
I want to be my own hero
And not let people change that.
Why cant I be who I'm meant to be
Is that so wrong?
Will it ever be seen as perfect
To be who we are?

They try to stick me in that box,
Label me and make me feel small
But I can't give them that power.
On a scale from 1 to 10
I am perfect as I am
I don't need someone telling me who I'm supposed to be,
Because no matter what anyone says we are all perfect as we are.

One more cut I say
This turns into many
Trying to feel something
Worth living for.
One more cut
As I watch the blood
Spiralling like a storm
Just like how I feel.

Blood red memories
My anger and fear...
Its all getting worse
But here is my release
So I say just one more
But that turns into many
Long lost feelings
A reason to know I'm still alive.

Cold metal feelings
Like cold metal nightmare s
Awake me so violently
Shaken and torn.
Icy blast of pain and past
Freeze my heart and mind
To the world so dead around me
But one more cut awakens me.

One more cut that's all I say
One more cut turns to many
Blood running down my arms
Feeling of comfort.
One more cut that's all I'll do
To make me feel alive
But what if one day I go too deep
Is this company worth this risk?

Too many nights I have lay here crying,
the tears pour down
and I can't tell if they're lying.
I feel an emptiness deep inside
knowing I should be doing alright.

There are days where I paint on a smile,
make it through the day
by laughing a little louder,
I know if I ever dare stop for a while
I will feel it in full force and I'll breakdown.

Too much noise filling my head all the time,
I try to scream
but it's buried deep inside.
I fear if I don't speak up soon
I'll be lost to the war no-one else can see.

Time races by faster then we realise,
Sudden sadness's threaten our very existence.
Trapped inside our fragile states of mind
Where our perfections are never perfections
They are merely fantasies of reality.

Our memories line the midnight skies
Isolated, trapped in a time we once knew.
Drowning in desolate loneliness
For fears much too great to be known...
These fears are yet proof of our perfect imperfections.

Feelings all too human to touch or feel
Break what was once our mind and souls,
Caressing our free nature into ticking time bombs
All too often they take precious lives
For sometimes we fail to see mortal importance.

All too long we have yearned for happy eternities.
Immortality too powerful for us to hold.
We have failed to see our deepest achievement's
Of living in such an evil, hellish land
For you see we are surviving in a world where we should be living!

A picture perfect serenity
of waves crashing at the shore.
The reflections of stars so bright
giving a new lease of light (life).
You see the wonder of the world lay out in front of you;
how I wish I could see the world through your eyes, even if just for tonight?

We are nothing but marks in the sand
waiting to be washed away with the tide.
The black abys of nothingness the sea offers up,
tempting fate between life and death.
Do I dare to risk being washed away in wishful thinking?
Or, do I let the cripplingly cold waves take me under?

A picture perfect serenity
of waves washing troubles away.
The reflections of a million dreams illuminating the night
providing quintessential peace never experienced before.
You see life as if it were a painting unique to us all;
everyone sees the beauty, even if not always understood.

We all leave our marks across the sand,
basking in its never ending beautiful optimism.
The unknowing views of opportunity amiss,
the most sacred, forgotten hearts finding salvation.
Do we dare to try taking risks into the unknown, no-matter the price?
Or, do we hold onto what we know, always playing it safe?

I guess I wanted you more,
that's why I let you hurt me the way you did.
Tore me down till I was worthless,
But in the pictures you don't see the tears I shed
The photos taken between tear stained nights
will never show the way you hurt me so.

I guess I wanted you more,
as I tried to overlook the way you spoke to me.
Degrading and demeaning - never worthy of your time.
But when I look back at our memories
no-one could have seen the way I was dying inside
Because these pictures are so good at hiding all the hurt!

I guess I wanted you more,
By the way I fought for you through all the pain.
Maybe it was a moment of weakness,
But I hated myself more with you, then on my own.
So while I fight for my freedom
At least now I know, I don't need you!
I don't need you anymore!