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Michaela Ferris May 2021
Reliving memories of suffocating blankets,
Locked doors and
Raised voices.

Hiding behind doors, baracading ourselves in
Whilst glasses shatter and
Doors slam.

Being ran and shoved into brick walls,
Whilst being told you're a failure
And they wish you were alive.

Reliving memories in my dreams
So I choose to stay awake
Choosing deprivation of sleep over deprivation of sanity.
Michaela Ferris May 2021
There's a dark, empty feeling taking hold of me.
There is only so many times you can fake a smile.
Silent breakdowns in the dead of the night,
Just so no-one can see that I've become so weak.

I didn't think I would relapse this hard,
After a year or two I didn't want to fell back at the start,
But now I've become accustomed to starving myself
And hurting whatever part of me I can hide.

There's an unnerving tention inside of me
Feeling overwhelmed at almost everything around.
The only think that keeps me feeling alive
Is feeling the pain whilst watching everyone live a successful life...
Things have been getting really difficult the past week or so, it seems to have hit really bad out of nowhere. I feel like after a year of a wobbly recovery, I'm heading back to square one. Nothing has ever felt so scary...
Michaela Ferris May 2021
I feel so alone,
No-one blowing up my phone
Asking if I am okay.
No ones heard from me in days
Too busy in my own head anyway.
Not like anyone is calling
To see if I'm still around.

I'm so tired of always being
The first one to ask to if they're okay.
I'm so tired of being
The one that everyone can talk too.
I wish I no longer cared,
And I wish I had someone to do the same for me.

Right now I am all alone,
Wishing I had someone to call home.
Wishing I had someone I could call
When I'm feeling this way.
I feel so lost and confused,
Wondering where I went so wrong.
What must I have done
To have noone here at all...?
Michaela Ferris Jan 2021
The fog is like a locked door
Without any key.
The candle is at the end
With little wick to burn
There is no longer a light at the end of the tunnel
Just a moving train, hurtling at full speed.
The night is never ending
Longer with each passing hour
And the cold, it lingers
Like a never ending winter.
My mind, soul and body has succumbed
To the dark thoughts it held dear long ago
Michaela Ferris Nov 2020
The softest raindrops hit my window pane,
They help me feel the peace I long forgot,
Their graceful dances fill my mind with hope
That I'm not alone in this dark fight.
I watch the raindrops tangle into one
And hope that my day will come,
When I can trust someone who's good and true,
Who won't forget what the darkness brings.
Oh I don't want to be alone
So I'll sit and watch the raindrops dance,
A graceful harmony of sorts
Helping me feel a little less alone.
Michaela Ferris Nov 2020
Why am I always the one to apologise?
Even though you hurt me first...
Said you'd be there,
Then chuck me aside.
So when is it I retaliate,
Push you away so I won't get hurt,
Do you say I'm the one who's hurting you,
But not acknowledge what you did first?
Michaela Ferris Nov 2020
I want to scream,
Like no one's listening
But I need your hand to hold,
So why is it I choke?
When you ask me what is wrong
The words seem to escape me
And instead I sit with tears in my eyes.

I trust you with every fibre of my being
So why is it,
I'm so **** scared you'll leave my side?
When you ask me what is wrong
I don't want you to only see the broken
So I hide it all inside
But you stay and help it feel okay.
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