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Time will say nothing but I told you so,
When the leaves fall down and begin to decay.
When the sun goes away and the rain clouds come out to play.

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
When the laughter drifts away and memories begin to fade.
When you haven't the chance to say hello before having to say goodbye.

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
When the music starts to come to an end before you've had the chance to listen.
When the poems all lose their meanings and lyrics become just jumbled words.

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
When you don't say the words I love you enough to all those that you hold day.
When the world starts to fade away and you've barely chosen to live.

Without so much as a thought,
Time will say nothing but I told you so!
Jun 4 · 122
The Hardest Thing
The hardest thing is picking up the phone
But having no-one to call when you're at your worst.

The hardest thing is screaming into your pillow
Because your crying so hard that your chest feels like it could cave in.

The hardest things is telling someone you're not okay
But having to comfort them because they don't know what to say...

The hardest thing is knowing you once had that person... Your person
But now they have gone without a look back, not daring to check in.

The hardest thing is pretending I am okay everyday
Because I am completely alone with no-one to call when I'm at my worst
I was not good enough for that.

Happy to be someone's rebound,
But he that decent guy for them.
Use me to fill some kind of void,
Always taking something you could never give back.
I gave you everything that I had to offer
But you threw me away like yesterday's garbage.
So happy to be a decent guy for everyone else,
But I guess...

I was not good enough for that.
Jun 4 · 94
String me along
You are the love that came
when I didn't expect it;
came without a warning.
I didn't get the chance to think it through.
I just woke up one morning and texted you,
When you replied it made me smile,
That is when I knew, I lost my heart to you.

From time-zone different coffee dates,
To late night-early morning calls.
From staying on the phone while we slept,
To movies and songs always shared.
You would tell me you wanted to be with me,
That you had feelings but weren't quite ready yet.
To suddenly changing your mind.
From inviting me for new years eve - to not remembering and freaking out...
You changed your mind about me so fast with new friends and a new job...

You say you didn't string me along.
So what exactly did you do?
Tell me you wanted to be with me
To barely taking the time to talk and always waiting for a better option to come along, that's why we can no longer make plans...
May 2021 · 403
Reliving memories
Michaela Ferris May 2021
Reliving memories of suffocating blankets,
Locked doors and
Raised voices.

Hiding behind doors, baracading ourselves in
Whilst glasses shatter and
Doors slam.

Being ran and shoved into brick walls,
Whilst being told you're a failure
And they wish you were alive.

Reliving memories in my dreams
So I choose to stay awake
Choosing deprivation of sleep over deprivation of sanity.
May 2021 · 259
Breaking down
Michaela Ferris May 2021
There's a dark, empty feeling taking hold of me.
There is only so many times you can fake a smile.
Silent breakdowns in the dead of the night,
Just so no-one can see that I've become so weak.

I didn't think I would relapse this hard,
After a year or two I didn't want to fell back at the start,
But now I've become accustomed to starving myself
And hurting whatever part of me I can hide.

There's an unnerving tention inside of me
Feeling overwhelmed at almost everything around.
The only think that keeps me feeling alive
Is feeling the pain whilst watching everyone live a successful life...
Things have been getting really difficult the past week or so, it seems to have hit really bad out of nowhere. I feel like after a year of a wobbly recovery, I'm heading back to square one. Nothing has ever felt so scary...
May 2021 · 129
No one at all
Michaela Ferris May 2021
I feel so alone,
No-one blowing up my phone
Asking if I am okay.
No ones heard from me in days
Too busy in my own head anyway.
Not like anyone is calling
To see if I'm still around.

I'm so tired of always being
The first one to ask to if they're okay.
I'm so tired of being
The one that everyone can talk too.
I wish I no longer cared,
And I wish I had someone to do the same for me.

Right now I am all alone,
Wishing I had someone to call home.
Wishing I had someone I could call
When I'm feeling this way.
I feel so lost and confused,
Wondering where I went so wrong.
What must I have done
To have noone here at all...?
Jan 2021 · 282
Fog is like a locked door
Michaela Ferris Jan 2021
The fog is like a locked door
Without any key.
The candle is at the end
With little wick to burn
There is no longer a light at the end of the tunnel
Just a moving train, hurtling at full speed.
The night is never ending
Longer with each passing hour
And the cold, it lingers
Like a never ending winter.
My mind, soul and body has succumbed
To the dark thoughts it held dear long ago
Nov 2020 · 449
The Softest Raindrops
Michaela Ferris Nov 2020
The softest raindrops hit my window pane,
They help me feel the peace I long forgot,
Their graceful dances fill my mind with hope
That I'm not alone in this dark fight.
I watch the raindrops tangle into one
And hope that my day will come,
When I can trust someone who's good and true,
Who won't forget what the darkness brings.
Oh I don't want to be alone
So I'll sit and watch the raindrops dance,
A graceful harmony of sorts
Helping me feel a little less alone.
Nov 2020 · 593
You hurt me first...
Michaela Ferris Nov 2020
Why am I always the one to apologise?
Even though you hurt me first...
Said you'd be there,
Then chuck me aside.
So when is it I retaliate,
Push you away so I won't get hurt,
Do you say I'm the one who's hurting you,
But not acknowledge what you did first?
Michaela Ferris Nov 2020
I want to scream,
Like no one's listening
But I need your hand to hold,
So why is it I choke?
When you ask me what is wrong
The words seem to escape me
And instead I sit with tears in my eyes.

I trust you with every fibre of my being
So why is it,
I'm so **** scared you'll leave my side?
When you ask me what is wrong
I don't want you to only see the broken
So I hide it all inside
But you stay and help it feel okay.
Michaela Ferris Nov 2020
Right now my body feels out of sorts.
Unable to string together a few words
Of eloquent pros, and sophisticated rhymes
Expressing that deep down inside
I feel...
Broken?

My brain seems to be firing on overdrive
But I can't make my feet move.
Staying in one place because
I must fix you and I must make sure everyone else is okay first,
Then I can move on to me.

So for now I have myself on the back burner.
I have placed my dreams and plans in a box
And given them up until my family is all okay.

I will take their insults and snide remarks
Because they are struggling, right?
I will take the never being or doing enough
When I have given up my plans to stay and support them
No matter what I do they don't see it...

So for now my body feels out of sorts.
Surpressing emotions and thoughts I thought were long gone,
Unable to express myself through words once again.
Feeling lost to the words of never doing or being enough...
Oct 2020 · 183
Enough
Michaela Ferris Oct 2020
I've been trying so hard
But it's never enough,
I'm never enough
And it's so clear to see.
So I lie in the dark
But nothing ever comes,
No sleep, no death,
Just cold, empty, silence.
I just wish that I was good enough
For once
I would like someone to take my hand
And help me to feel alive.
Aug 2020 · 120
Today I feel sad
Michaela Ferris Aug 2020
Today I am sad.
Its the kind of sad when you don't know why
But you know it must be felt wholeheartedly.
The kind of sad where you don't realise
Until your face feels wet and you realise you've been crying.
The kind of sad that hits you from nowhere,
Where you find yourself lying in a dark room
Because it demands for you to acknowledge its existence.
The kind of sad where you know tomorrow you'll be fine
And be able to face the world again.
Today I am sad and will willingly let it consume me
Just for tonight in my lonely dark room.
But when I open my eyes tomorrow I will say goodbye to the sadness
And let it all go roaming free with the wind.
Aug 2020 · 106
Your company
Michaela Ferris Aug 2020
Right now I could usr your company,
Just to hear you tell me it'll be okay.
You're the only one who understood
The desperate want to give up the fight,
For the night just seems so cold right now.
How I miss you already and your warm embrace,
The one that always made me feel safe.
Like there was someone who cared if I made it out alive.
Right now I could use your company,
Just to hear you say it'll be okay tonight?
Aug 2020 · 100
Defeated
Michaela Ferris Aug 2020
I know life's supposed to be hard sometimes,
So why is it the pain won't subside?
I can't escape the ghosts of my past
When they all still linger round,
Trying to get better and fix myself
But I'm caught in a riptide,
A whirlpool of insanity.
Letting the tears spill tonight
I've kept locked away for some time...
Tonight I'm feeling defeated,
Going to let myself feel all the pain...
Try again when the morning comes.
Jun 2020 · 189
Never mean anything
Michaela Ferris Jun 2020
I know I may never be the first
Or maybe not the last
But I have feelings like all the rest
Not someone you can tear apart.
For I'm fed up of being used,
Only wanted when it's right for you
Abandoned plans lay scatterd on the floor.
Why am I never enough
For someone to stick to what they say?
Am I that easy to ignore?
Neglect?
Forget?
Or for you to just simply walk away.
It seems so easy for you
To ignore that I exist
I guess thats what you get
When you're nothing and never were....
Is it really so easy for you to pretend
That I was never really here
You know the right things to say
To keep me near
But only when it best suits you.
You couldn't give a ****
That you're the company I have
For you have everyone else around
And I could never mean anything to you!
Jun 2020 · 115
Entrapped in a cage
Michaela Ferris Jun 2020
Like a bird who has forgotten how to sing.
I too have forgotten my own melody.
Entrapped in a cage,
Imprisoned by my own insanity
Of starving, bleeding, crippling thoughts.

Numb to any touch.
Possesed by the cold like a corpse.
The epitome of nothingness,
Laying baron to this monstrous world
Realising you have no one to stay!

Like all the lost things
I too am lost, unable to be found.
Deserted by everyone
Left to fend off the demons alone once again
Not knowing if I will make it out of this one alive...
Jun 2020 · 293
Moon beams and night skies
Michaela Ferris Jun 2020
Carry me away on your
Silent moon beams
That grace the night skies
With gentle visions of peace.

Help me to drift away on
Nights so silent
Filled with dreams to come
And tears of things gone astray.

Wrap me up within the
Night skies somber embrace.
A lullaby of thoughts
Waiting to be dreamt or felt my the few
Jun 2020 · 356
Do you?
Michaela Ferris Jun 2020
Do you use me
When you only message me when you want something?

Do you use me
When you rant about your day but neglect to ask me mine?

Do you use me
When you get what you want and leave as quick as the seasons change?

Do you use me
When I only hear from you when it's convenient to you?

Do you use me
When you're always to busy to listen but quick to jump to others?

Do you use me
When I no longer feel like I mean anything, but you keep coming back as you please?
Jun 2020 · 207
Tonight, I can't take it
Michaela Ferris Jun 2020
Tonight I just can't take it,
Muffling my cries,
Until there's a burning in my throat and an ache within my heart
That beckons me to just let go.
The tears that want to scream,
Scream out in a pain, torturous to the mind
Producing an overpowering headache.
Paralysing me,
Holding me hostage to my bed.
A prison I can rarely escape these days.
Those types of cries that would break
A heart if they dares to listen.
The cries of someone on the brink of death.
Tonight I just can't it,
Muffling my cries with a pillow pressed tight to my lips,
Whilst texting those words:
"I'll be fine, I always am"
Hoping you'll look past it this time.
I drag this blade
One last time
Tracing my veins like lines on a map
Hoping sometime tonight
I'll reach my last destination
And will never have to muffle
My cries again!
Jun 2020 · 115
Alcoholic laced tears
Michaela Ferris Jun 2020
Alcoholic laced tears.
Smeared mascara paintings on pillowcases.
A symphony of crying souls.
Cuts of feelings otherwise numb too.

I lie here in my bed,
afraid of what I may do next
as I know that I am losing my fight
with a demon too much to bare
wanting a free ride into this thing called life.

My alcoholic laced tears
intoxicating my very being,
pushing me towards an inevitable end
but this time I will not stop them from falling,
I will not stop the blade that scars my skin,
I will lie here and let death take me
I will no longer be a burden to your existence.
Jun 2020 · 102
Untitled
Michaela Ferris Jun 2020
All I have is the ticking clock
and four plain white walls for company.
My eyes they beg for you to look within
and see the end I fear is in sight.
Please do not make me beg for you
as I stand here; body trembling, lost words,
and eyes that are gone from this world.

Instead I am greeted by long, cold silences
and distance all too sudden.
A shift in how you present yourself to me,
knowing I must have asked for too much of your time.
Now knowing that I must face these monsters
ALONE! Again!
Please do not make me beg for you to see I need someone tonight!
Jun 2020 · 270
Close my eyes to the night
Michaela Ferris Jun 2020
Sitting on the shower floor
feeling the water hit me,
pooling around my feet
like the tears from the night before.

Watching the droplets race to the bottom
knowing I hit there once again.
Drowning myself in a cocktail
of alcohol and pills to numb the pain.

Pain turning to nothingness
as I close my eyes to the night,
praying for the darkness to win this time
and subdue me into a never ending sleep.
May 2020 · 402
Paint on a Smile
Michaela Ferris May 2020
Too many nights I have lay here crying,
the tears pour down
and I can't tell if they're lying.
I feel an emptiness deep inside
knowing I should be doing alright.

There are days where I paint on a smile,
make it through the day
by laughing a little louder,
I know if I ever dare stop for a while
I will feel it in full force and I'll breakdown.

Too much noise filling my head all the time,
I try to scream
but it's buried deep inside.
I fear if I don't speak up soon
I'll be lost to the war no-one else can see.
May 2020 · 253
Fading Away
Michaela Ferris May 2020
I’ll just paint a smile on my face, I’ll keep myself busy
I’ll play make believe that I’m okay,
I’m breaking under the weight, of being not okay!
I feel myself fading away.

I feel like I’ve been gone for a long time now,
My body is present, but I seem to be lost inside.
I used to love feeling everything I ever could.
But now I feel like I’m fading away.

It hurts me to say that I am not okay.
Letting everyone down hurts me more than they know.
It’s been tearing me apart,
The fact that I will never be all that they want me to be.

I know that I can’t keep living this way,
I know what will come if I do not make a change.
I’m buried under the weight of all the shame I’ve brought upon myself
And I know there’s no one to blame but me.

I fear I’ve faded away.
May 2020 · 293
Bloom into Wonderment
Michaela Ferris May 2020
Just like rain drops
my tears fall
watering seeds sown
from my past.
Before too long
they will flower
into wonderful opportunities,
stunning all those who see,
never knowing the damaged roots that lay underneath.
For you see the colourful bloom reached for the sun,
Illuminating the world in a sea of colour,
ready to take on life's next adventure.
Just like rain drops
my tears fell
watering seeds sown
ready to bloom into wonderment.
May 2020 · 108
I will not tell you
Michaela Ferris May 2020
I will not tell you that I am weak
or that my tears threaten to spill
because I do not want you to know me like that.
I do not want you to look at me with eyes full of pity
for I am not as fragile and as broken as you think!

I will not tell you that I fear life
or that at night I feel a sullen emptiness inside
because I am afraid that if I do, the darkness will take over.
I do not want to let these demons win,
so I will pretend that all is okay and that I can not sense them.
May 2020 · 823
Embrace of a friend
Michaela Ferris May 2020
The soft sound of your beating heart
can soften even the biggest storms inside me.
The gentle sound of your voice
lulls me into a sense of hope and wonder
that maybe this world isn't always so bad.

The warm embrace of a friends arms
bringing back to a sense of reality
where I am not lost to the monsters inside my head,
but am someone much stronger,
able to defend the broken parts.

The serenity of peaceful silence,
where you are just there and nothing more
compliments my sullen tears,
building up a strength I never knew I had
Until I will no-longer fall prey to the demons of the past.
Michaela Ferris May 2020
If you could erase the past, would you?
It’s a question I find myself asking all the time.
I know they say it makes you who you are today,
but I don’t want to be the way it’s made me;
so untrusting, so scared I’ll always get hurt,
running away from all the people who say they’re there.
So, if you could erase the past, would you?
Or would you rather remember the hurt of it all?

If you could stop time for a little just to breathe,
would you want to take that minute or keep going?
There are times when it all feels like it’s too much,
but I know if I stopped I wouldn’t keep going;
knowing that there’s still so much I don’t know.
This world is making my mind spin way too often.
So if you could stop time for a minute just to breathe,
would you want to take that minute or just keep going?
May 2020 · 247
Played again
Michaela Ferris May 2020
I must’ve tried a million times
tried so hard to get you to see I was here all along,
but you had a different plan and broke every promise we made.
I thought I knew you, so trusted your words
But now I know that couldn’t have been further from the truth
So I packed up everything I gave you and left
Now there are no more tears to cry.
I don’t have to try to say goodbye to your memory.

I could have actually cared about you
If you had ever given a **** about me
Now I’m sure I’ll have no trouble finding someone who loves me more than you,
but good luck finding someone who will love you as much as I ever did!
Although this was a good, goodbye and I felt free
You shoved a knife so far in my back
I can no longer trust whoever comes into my life
I’m so **** scared of being played all over again.
May 2020 · 436
Trust you
Michaela Ferris May 2020
I’ve learned to shut my mouth and smile,
keep all my thoughts to myself and hope they don’t see
all the broken and shattered pieces of the girl I now am.

I don’t want to get attached to anyone anymore
because I always end up the one getting destroyed.
So I’ll scream at you and push you away!

I will keep, keeping quiet until the day someone gives me a reason
and you may be doing that to me now
But my mind is on the defensive once again.

What if you show me it’s not all bad?
What if you set me free from the cage inside my mind?
If I do start to let you in, are you going to destroy me too?
May 2020 · 583
Still hurting
Michaela Ferris May 2020
After everything that we went through,
it's all now ashes on the ground.
I know I've said this is the last time,
many times before,
but this is the last time, I will let you hurt me again.

If I gave you up so easily,
why am I still hurting?
If I knew all along we were a lost cause,
why am I still searching?
If I made a lucky get away from the hell that was you,
then why do I still feel the same!

You were like a tornado,
tearing my world apart from the inside out.
You still haunt my dreams
turning them all to nightmare, all too easily...
So why do you still have me and when you shouldn't?
May 2020 · 409
Someone I never really had
Michaela Ferris May 2020
On the shore I stand staring out
into the waves of pure wonderment
and the dark sullen sky, filled with stars
knowing that you were once one of them,
shining within the night sky
before being picked for a life here with me.

The people laughing and playing
oblivious to the absent feeling lying within.
Children enjoying the soft warm sand beneath their feet,
now you never will know such simple joys.
These are the days where I feel as fragile as a china doll
Knowing that I lost someone I never really had.

Looking out across the sea, how it stretches for miles
wishing you the peace and serenity this scene gives me.
Hoping you may get a second chance at life,
back up there among the stars where you can dream.
My little star, someone I never really had at all
but knowing what could have been I still look up to see you shining!
May 2020 · 412
(Not) Good Enough
Michaela Ferris May 2020
Always wished I was taller, thinner,
walked a little taller for you.
Wished I kept quiet, kept my mouth shut,
never answered back now for you.
See I cried so many tears, wasted all my time
while I let you cast a shadow all over my life.
I only wanted to be good enough for you.

All I ever wanted was for you to see me,
Gave you everything I had to give.
Got swept up in a whirlwind, breakdown
Getting too caught up in trying to maintain your standards.
You always used to tell me to shut up,
to act a certain way when we were together...
Maybe I really was going crazy
May 2020 · 567
Sea of Serenity
Michaela Ferris May 2020
On the shore I stand staring out
into the waves of pure wonderment
and the dark sullen sky, filled with stars
knowing that you were once one of them,
shining within the night sky
before being picked for a life here with me.

The people laughing and playing
oblivious to the absent feeling lying within.
Children enjoying the soft warm sand beneath their feet,
now you never will know such simple joys.
These are the days where I feel as fragile as a china doll
Knowing that I lost something I never really had.

Looking out across the sea, how it stretches for miles
wishing you the peace and serenity this scene gives me.
Hoping you may get a second chance at life,
back up there among the stars where you can dream.
My little star, something I never really had at all
but knowing what could have been I still look up to see you shining!
Michaela Ferris May 2020
In denial from the moment I found out,
Knew if it were true I have to turn my life around.
Ignored the fact that you were there the whole time,
knowing I was never treating myself right,
maybe that's why you were taken too soon.

A little life I didn't know if I even wanted,
Coming to terms with you being there always.
Trying to fix how I walked through life
'cause I knew I had to do right by you.
A little star that I never got to meet.

Although you had barely began to grow,
you never got to hear my voice
I never got to feel you move...
Now a days I wonder if it was my fault you never made it here,
if it was my fault my little star was taken too soon?

A little life I didn't know if I even wanted,
Getting everything on track so I could meet you.
Without being born you managed to save me
from situations I should have never been in.
You were my little star that I never got to meet.
May 2020 · 63
(Never) Good Enough
Michaela Ferris May 2020
Always wished I was taller, thinner,
walked a little taller for you.
Wished I kept quiet, kept my mouth shut,
never answered back now for you.
See I cried so many tears, wasted all my time
while I let you cast a shadow all over my life.
I only wanted to be good enough for you.

If I was enough for you
would you have still cheated and never called back?
would you have told me I was acting crazy when you disappeared for days?
If I was enough for you,
would I of had to starve to shrink to the size you wanted?
would I of had to show you all my cards?

All I ever wanted was for you to see me,
Gave you everything I had to give.
Got swept up in a whirlwind, breakdown
Getting too caught up in trying to maintain your standards.
You always used to tell me to shut up,
to act a certain way when we were together...
Maybe I really was going crazy
May 2020 · 262
If I Dodged a Bullet
Michaela Ferris May 2020
It was us against the world some dark nights,
but you were hiding messed up secrets!
You took my breathe away, stole my light;
Made me feel like I was crazy for the longest while.
They say I got out just in time,
But honestly I'm not sure if they were right
because the scars have been embedded way too deep,
Now I don't know if there's much left of me...

If I dodged a bullet
then why am I still hurting?
I know things were a lost cause
so why am I searching for excuses?
If I made a getaway, from all your lies and your abuses
Why do I still feel the pain?
You still haunt me and you shouldn't
If i really dodged your bullet...
Apr 2020 · 126
Tell Me
Michaela Ferris Apr 2020
Tell me I am enough!
That is all I long to hear from the image staring back at me.

Tell me that I can make it,
but my reflection mouths otherwise.

All I hear are the words that are not my own;
spoken from the cruel mouths of others,
being etched into my skin
as an everlasting reminder that abandonment is all I will know.

A worthless, broken, failure of a girl
is all I am destined to see...
Apr 2020 · 94
Longing
Michaela Ferris Apr 2020
Overpowering waves of guilt,
Trying hard to ignore the fright
Longing to forget the past
And move on from what holds me back.
Apr 2020 · 86
Just like that
Michaela Ferris Apr 2020
And just like that I hurt another person...
Just like that I sabotaged a friendship beyond repair...
Just like that I destroyed myself all over again...
And just like that I let all the ******* who hurt me win all over again!
Apr 2020 · 102
Another Pain like That
Michaela Ferris Apr 2020
Staring at the ceiling again tonight
wondering why I feel so alone.
Another night of tears to endure;
I just can't seem to put my mind to sleep.
Feeling like I'm always in the way
so I keep distancing myself from you.
Trying not to show just how scared I am
that you'll disappear when you see how bad i can be.

Feeling tears well up in my eyes today,
burying them deep so nobody sees.
Worried that this is all pretend
So I'll slowly pull away until I'm no longer there.
Trying my hardest not to let you in
keeping all those thoughts locked away inside.
I've been hurt and used a few too many times.
I don't think I could handle another pain like that.
Apr 2020 · 88
Fade Invisible
Michaela Ferris Apr 2020
They always say you'll be okay,
give it time these things do pass
but with every new downfall
the darkness gets colder
and I can no longer escape its death defying grip.

It has been a while since I have taken this dip,
lost all myself control to the anger burning within.
I'm begging for someone to notice
that I am losing my grip on reality
Wanting to just slip away for good.

For right now, I'm done fighting these noises
I'll just let the shadows take a hold of me.
If they tear me to pieces
destroy all I've made.
Then at least I can fade invisible.
Michaela Ferris Apr 2020
Someone asked if I was okay
but all I could muster was 'I'm fine'.
The way they looked into my eyes
I knew they could see that 'I'm fine' was all lies.

I quickly turned away, for them not to see my tears
and tried my best to place a smile across my weary face.
I tried with all my might to whisper: 'I'll get through this,
I've made it this far. Maybe not tonight, it's just taking me a little while...'

I know they saw that I was hurting
and I knew that the pain was becoming too much to take;
but this burden is mine to keep,
it is mine to bare alone.

They reached out to hold me closer,
as they placed their hand on mine.
They said they would stay, and help if they can
but i have heard those lines spoken too many times before.
Michaela Ferris Apr 2020
Lonely, darkened thoughts of what once was,
happy childhood memories of frolicking in autumn leaves,
dancing round in the summer sun rays
knowing nothing more than childhood innocence.
But how fast the seasons can change!

Nights of tears and wondering why.
Why was I the one you decided was not good enough?
Why was I the one you believed would amount to nothing?
Now in my head, a plague of demeaning phrases
Mimicking your voice of 'little girl, sit down and be silent'!

Echoes! Echoing torments of my life flash before me
as soon as another tries to help me see different,
But maybe I do not wish to be fixed,
Maybe the broken, empty, pain is what makes me, me.
But right now, all I see is an emptiness... beckoning me to an end!
Apr 2020 · 97
Wanting to jump
Michaela Ferris Apr 2020
Staring at myself in the mirror,
counting every tear that falls,
watching all the hurt play out
across my face, once again, when I'm all alone.

Lying through gritted teeth and fake smiles
that everything is fine and I'm okay -
Knowing that I spend nights begging and pleading with myself
just to keep fighting and holding on a little longer.

Wondering what I must do to stay,
feeling like I no longer have control.
Dragging myself to the edge of the pier...
Pushing and pulling, wanting to jump but not!
Mar 2020 · 192
Inner Conflict
Michaela Ferris Mar 2020
Inner voices of conflict;
should I stay or should I go.
Wondering if one step is all it takes
or if things are worth pushing through.
When tears spill in silent, desolate corners
like the rain falling over the sea.
If no-ones there, then no-one sees
and you can pretend its all a dream.

Scared up arms and broken hearts
wondering what is left to hang on to.
Blood that falls, stain your hands
leading you to believe that it can be all over;
no-one has to know just how you are hurting.
You can slowly slip away like a shadow on the wall
The lights go out and so you disappear,
lost to a world of why and how did this happen.
Mar 2020 · 101
Anything Worth Holding Onto
Michaela Ferris Mar 2020
Some days it feels like I've lost all inspiration,
A prisoner within my own body and mind,
I sleep through the day and cry through the night,
Just caught in a downward fall...
Its taking too much effort to fight,
I just don't have the strength,
trying to hold on to whats still left of me.

When the life you had planned
slowly slips through your hands
when it feels like those plans you made are the only reason to stay.
When you can't find your way,
when each day is the same
when you've lost the fight inside of you
is there anything worth holding onto?

Its hard to stay strong, when weakness is overbearing.
I'm wondering if someone is there;
I'm not always good on my own,
I need someone I can rely on when things are rough.
There are dreams I've let die
that I've neglected to even try
I need to find out how to turn this darkness into light

When you feel so far from who you were
when you've lost all signs of hope
when you're searching for some peace but it feels too far away.
When your words have disappeared
and it feels there's nothing left inside of you,
is there anything worth holding onto?
Michaela Ferris Mar 2020
In a lifetime, a thousand things can go left unsaid;
a touch is never felt when it needs to be felt,
a heart is never loved when it desperately longs to.
We walk around with unspoken feelings
weighing down upon our shoulders,
leading to desperate moments of regret,
promising that some day we will speak words of truth
but that someday never coming -
sometimes taken from us too soon.
In a lifetime, a thousand things can go unsaid or acted on.
Why cant we see
that while we have the chance in life,
we should speak when we can speak,
love when we can love,
and most importantly, touch when we can touch.

We go through our lifetime with a thousand words left unsaid,
but what if we chose to speak the truth of thoughts and feelings?
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