I miss myself.
Not me now,
but before.

Before I grew older,
and learned awful things.
Before I stopped wearing sundresses,
and pigtails in my hair.

I miss the me that didn't fall apart like glass.
I miss the me that didn't have false hope
that everything would get better.
I miss the me that didn't run from her problems.

I want the me who wanted to stand on the sun,
and reach for the clouds.
I want the me who only cried over a dropped ice cream cone,
or a broken toy.
I want the me who always smiled wide enough,
that you could see her tongue through her gapped teeth.

I want to be what I was.
I want to be happy.
I want to not care what others think.
I want to not be rocks at the bottom of the lake.

I long not to be myself.
I long to be the version that people liked,
and wanted.

I'm drowning in an ocean of you,
and only you.

There is no concept of time anymore.
A minute feels like hours,
but a year is just a moment.

I am sinking.
Whether fast and diving to the bottom,
or slow and drifting softly into the depths.

Sometimes the tide is harsh,
and throws me around.
Other times the sea rocks me softly
into an endless sleep.

At first I thrashed,
gasping for air but being empty of it.
I screamed and begged,
for I did not want to become the water.

Over time I accepted the calm blue warmth,
I embraced it.
I grew gills to adapt to the lack of oxygen,
and fins to swim through every thought of you.

I no longer am drowning;
I am choosing to stay.
I am navigating the crystal waters,
as if I've lived in them my whole life.

So if I am drowning:
I will tie large stones to my feet,
and embrace the darkness that is to come.

I feel Hollow.
Barren.
Empty.

That hollowness erodes my body,
leaving a trail of decay.
Cracks crawl through my brittle bones,
shattering my skull,
fragmenting my thoughts.

A carmine-colored river floods into my caving lungs,
before dragging itself up my throat.
The metallic taste slowly overwhelms my mouth,
and seeps through my gapped teeth.
My glass smile falls and shatters.

Terror grips what was once my voice,
holding sound captive-
my call for help erased by despair.
Only strangled sobs exist.
I'm left choking on my own life force.

Each sob collects upon my face;
a veil of tears cover my broken visage.
Shrouding me from prying eyes that encompass judgemental gazes.

Without even seeing,
their stares spear my soul and blacken my heart.
The forgotten, grayed ash
smothers out all that remains.

My rotted husk: a void, a dismal skeleton.
A vast emptiness that nothing can fill.

Broken.
Decayed.
Hollow.

It's what I am.

I lived in a vast darkness.
A fragile silence that even choked sobs could break.
But the black glass of quiet shattered,
When you battered the door.
Its hinges screamed,
Just as you did.
I cowered in the corner when I heard the bottle explode,
From where you threw it.

Then it was a blur.
Threats to give me a "real reason" to cry.
More glass smashed against the oak, before it collapsed onto the tile floor.

A sudden clarity filled me as I heard the click of a lock.
You had trapped me here.
The dark I had once longed to be in became a cage.

I screamed.
Begged.
Clawed the wood until my fingers bled and the paint peeled.
But you stomped away,
Leaving me in a suffocating blackness.

Time had passed differently then.
A day had become weeks,
But also a second.
Hunger consumed me and I was left to rot in my own filth.
The acrid smell from the bottles on the other side of the door burning my nose.

I don't know how long I was in there.
I don't know if I'll ever find out.
I don't know if I'll ever be the same again.

I still sleep with a light on,
And I still sleep with my room door open.
And I refuse to open the hall closet
That you put me in as a punishment,
For accidentally breaking a small vase.

Some people are just born to fight,
I think.

...

It's not that they're born brave,
Nor that they're born strong.
But that the universe has decided that this one,
This being will have grit
And fire
And steel in their blood.

And it shall be tested,
This cosmic mettle of theirs.
They'll face trial after trial,
be broken and damaged in countless ways.

But this one was born to fight.
Maybe it's not the life they would have chosen,
For maybe they'd love to lay down their arms.

Yet they were born to fight
For the weak.
It's what they know.
It's what they do best.
It's all they can do.

My fingers are screaming
As I beat a rhythm into my desk's surface.
They strike in the same rhythm over and over again,
But you will never understand why.

It is mistaken for a distraction,
Or perceived to be anxiety.
And my classmates scowl and tell me to stop,
No matter how panicked I seem.

It is not a side effect of ADHD,
Or wanting pity.
It is a silent scream of pain
And fear.
It is my cry for help.

...---...

Drown in your sorrow and fears,
Choke on your blood and your tears.
Bleed 'til you've run out of years.

     We must do what it takes to survive!

     Give up your honor and faith,
Live up your life as a wraith.
Die in the blood where you bathe

     We must do what it takes to survive

     We are the same, you and I

I feel her calling out to me.
From the depths of my brain.
Her face I can no longer see,
And it fills me with such pain.

     She is clothed in beauty and splendor,
Filling me with curiosity.
Her silky hands, I do remember,
Would always embrace me.

     She wears a cloud of wonder,
And it goes where she goes.
Until that day of thunder,
When we reach the end of the road.

     I remember how she’d softly sing,
Her melodies hold me tight.
Wrapping me with warmth,
Through all the lonely nights.

     I feel her still here with me,
Though her face is now just a memory.
Yet, I still long to see,
Everything that she used to be.

     I want to pull her back to me,
And keep her there forever.


     But I can’t.

Give me a name.
Give me a title that I will only hear,
when it drifts from your soft lips.

Don't call me by the simple name I have now.
A name I never wanted,
nor asked for.

I long for the name
that makes you think of sweeter things.
Like sugar.
Like the sun.

I want the name that comes to mind
when I am held in your sight,
or in the back of your thoughts.

Would it be nicer?
Would it be longer or shorter?
Would my new name be simple,
or a mouthful?

Or maybe I don't want a new name at all.
Maybe I just want you to look into my eyes,
and claim me by the name I have now.

I want you to call me by the name you love most.
I pray it's my name.

I have ended wars single handedly,
Brought gods broken to their knees,
And dragged down the very lights
From the gods of Heaven.

But my greatest victory
Was always that I was the fire,
That sparked your brightest smiles.

It's perfect,
My life.
Not a single worry to be found.

But when will it all fall apart?
When will I bolt out of bed
And realize it was never real?
This life of smiles
And laughter

It’s too perfect.
And feels too real,
Even as the corners fade to black.

Convinced:
Not awake,
I know I'm dreaming.

But the thing I dread most…
Is waking up.
How much longer do I have before the hourglass is empty?
How much farther can I tread before the road ends?

Not far, it seems.

The alarm screams at 6 am.
The fever dream shatters,
As I grasp at the jagged pieces.
I am dragged through my existence
In this dreary, gray world.
Until I fall back asleep.

This is the hill I will die on.
I choose to stand on the high ground,
And fight in the war.

I will be bloodied.
Bruised.
Broken.

But I will not run to the safety,
In the home at the bottom.
I will not cry for mercy,
As you raise your blade above my bowed head.

I will stay.
I will empty your lungs of hot air,
And shove you over the edge.
I will watch your body lie at the bottom,
Pointed at gruesome angles.

For in your one-sided battle to knock me down,
I have turned the tide.
This place that I have chosen to rest
Is no longer my grave,
But yours.

Vultures are the holiest creatures,
Tending with honor to the dead.
Bowed low to kiss the corpse,
With death covered wings and bare head.

They whisper to the frigid flesh,
Of words we could never hear, nor see.

“Your old name is not your own.
This dying earth; Not your king.
So forget the seeds that you have sown,
For I rename you “everything.”

I am the black sheep,
Just like in the rhyme.
I am different, but everything is always asked of me.

I have no more wool to give,
Or energy to offer you.
What more do you expect from my bare soul?

I have torn everything I loved away from me.
Everything that made me who I am,
Just to give it to you.

Are you satisfied?
Are you happy with holding the weight of my burdens?

I hope you are.
Because even if your weren't,
You would only give it back with threadbare cracks and half of it missing.

Why do I feel so cold and empty when everyone around me is warm?
Am I made of ice?
Or rather, is it the fact that they choose to blanket themselves in quilts by the fire, while I shiver outside in the cold?
Am I a fool; ignorant and selfish?
I hope not.
Maybe I'm just...  l  o  n  e  l  y  ?

Today I am wearing lacy black underwear
for the sole purpose of knowing I am wearing them.
And underneath that?
I am absolutely naked.

     And I’ve got skin. Miles and miles of skin;
I’ve got skin to cover all my thoughts like Saran Wrap
that you can see through to what leftovers are inside from the night before.

     And despite what you might think, my skin is not rough, nor is it bullet proof.
My skin is soft, and smooth, and easily scarred.
But that doesn’t matter, right?
You don’t care about how soft my skin is.
You just want to hear about what my fingers do in the dark.

     But what if all they do is crack open windows
So I can see lightning through the clouds?
What if all they crave is a jungle gym to climb for a taste of fresher air?
What if all they reach for is a notebook to scribble not a hand to hold?
But that’s not the story you want.

     You are licking your lips and baring your teeth.
Just once I would like to be the direction someone else is going in.
I don’t need to be the water in the well.
I don’t need to be the well.
But I’d like to not be, the ground anymore.
I’d like to not be the thing people dig their hands in anymore... for something they can own.
...
     Some girls know all the lyrics to each other’s songs.
They find harmonies in their laughter.
Their linked elbows echo in tune.
What if I can’t hum on key?
What if my melodies are the ones nobody hears?

     Some people can recognize a tree,
A front yard, and know they’ve made it home.
How many circles can I walk in before I give up looking?
How long before I’m lost for good.

     It must be possible to swim in the ocean of the one you love without drowning.
It must be possible to swim without becoming water yourself.
But I keep swallowing what I thought was air.
I keep finding stones tied to my feet.

If I hurt myself on purpose-
...
Would anyone even care?
Would they show compassion
And empathy?

Or be cold and bitter like this cruel world?
Would they turn their heads and pretend they don't see,
Or simply close their eyes at the sight of me?

Would I be a monster?
One to hide children from
And push away?

Maybe I should find the answers to my own questions.
Maybe I will.

When gods claimed her story was pre-written among  the stars,
She stormed up to the heavens.

She extinguished each burning fire with red,
Scorching hands.

The burning lights hold no claim over her head,
Nor her life.

The glittering night sky is hers now,
And she will carve into it with constellations of her own.

The girl exclaims that she is dying on the inside,
knowing that no one believes her.
Who would take something like that seriously,
from just a child?

So she plasters on a smile,
stays quiet,
and acts like she's okay.

But it is futile.
Her porcelain composure will shatter
on the floor.

As she tries to keep the blood filling her mouth,
from seeping through her lips
for everyone to see.

I am that girl.
I close my lips
to hide my crimson-stained teeth.
I pretend I'm not dying.
I pretend anyone cares.

Shatter me.
Into a million pieces if you must.
I am too whole to stand by your side.
Too large to carry with you in your pockets.

So break my soul into shards,
And put me in your favorite things;
Like little horcruxes.

Your headphones.
Your credit-card guitar pick.
Even the color red.

Pour me into anything that you love,
For I want to be loved by you as well.
And I want to be with you,
Wherever you go.

So crumble my heart,
And harden it,
Then use it as a book mark.

Carry it with you,
And I will write lovely things
Onto your pages.

Shatter me.
And love me,
Until I'm not your favorite anymore.

I long for a heart,
but not my own blackened stone.

I long for one that beats,
and pumps blood through a tender body.
One that can sync in time with mine,
and with the rhythm of the music in our ears.

One that can pound alongside mine,
and choose not to leave.
A heart that knows patience
and kindness.

I long for a heart that aches like mine,
in all of the right ways.
A heart that is full of love.

I long for a heart.
Your heart.
But not just your heart,
after all.

I long for you.

I like to think you would do anything for me.
But as I lie in the dark
in silence,
I begin to wonder...
Would you?

Would you glue my glass edges back together,
after I fall apart on the floor?
When I collapse in a fit of sobs,
would you hold me and dry my tears?

I wait for the chance for you to prove these things to me.
To show that you care.
But when it comes down to saving me...
Would you?

Why does death call to me so easily now?
The phone sits on the counter ringing
And ringing
And ringing.

Why do I want to answer?
The phone is buzzing
And buzzing
And buzzing.

Then it's gone.
The screen fades to black.
No more ringing.
No more buzzing.

So why do I pick up the phone
Dial the number
And call back?

I feel Hollow.
Barren.
Empty.

That hollowness erodes my body,
leaving a trail of decay.
Cracks crawl through my brittle bones,
shattering my skull,
fragmenting my thoughts.

A carmine-colored river floods into my caving lungs,
before dragging itself up my throat.
The metallic taste slowly overwhelms my mouth,
and seeps through my gapped teeth.
My glass smile falls and shatters.

Terror grips what was once my voice,
holding sound captive-
my call for help erased by despair.
Only strangled sobs exist.
I'm left choking on my own life force.

Each sob collects upon my face;
a veil of tears cover my broken visage.
Shrouding me from prying eyes that encompass judgemental gazes.

Without even seeing,
their stares spear my soul and blacken my heart.
The forgotten, grayed ash
smothers out all that remains.

My rotted husk: a void, a dismal skeleton.
A vast emptiness that nothing can fill.

Broken.
Decayed.
Hollow.

It's what I am.

(I wrote a new poem and it really means something to me so I thought I would share it.)


I want you to make love to me,
But not for why you think.
It’s not just for lust,
Or just a feeling my body craves.

I want you to make love to me
Because I crave to feel all of your skin
Pressed against my own bare flesh.

I want you to make love to me
To calm all of the thoughts in my head
That try to make me doubt your pure intentions.

I want you to make love to me
And speak beautiful words from your perfect lips,
So they can drift into my ears like music.

I want you to make love to me
Because I long for the light touch,
And kisses that will come before the fire.

I want you to make love to me,
While I tell you all these rough fantasies,
But want this at the very same instant.

I want you to make love to me
As I admire just how handsome you are,
Through the light shining in through the window.

I want you to make love to me
So I will be held and taken care of
Once you have ruined me in the best ways.

I want you to make love to me
Because I want you to understand
Just how much love I will always have for you.

I want you to make love to me
For all of these alternate reasons.
But I have no words to speak to make you realize what I mean.
So I wrote you this stupid poem instead.


I love you