****** child
It's time you grew up
Make that banal choice
You could be a *****
**** them wrinkled *****
Or be a ******* man
Welcome to the real world
Be it a fever be it cancer
No one gives a ****

This is life

Clean and free of impurity
The sole goal overriding
A devil disguised as an angel
The reason I smile and laugh
Lies with no real reason
Trying too hard to conceal
The pieces of me that's left
Parts of myself died with time
The weary numbers that fall
Off the body of my weary soul
Buried under my skin

Don't think you'd ever understand
The pain beneath my skin,
The hurt that crawls up like guilt
The promises splinted like my soul.
All and all but empty words
I cussed my stupidity,
Hating me for who I was
The failure I made of myself.
Why do I **** up
Why so perfectly
Why anyone, why me.

A brewing storm
The chemicals in my kitchen
Overflowing from the ***
Emotions cascading into each other
Lapping against my skull
Washing me out
Sweeping me under
An urgent heart beating
Tugging on this frayed reality
Tearing down the walls
A silent cry for help
I suffocate in my own skin

No amount of assurance was enough
To pull her out of the cage she built herself
For her it was too scary out there
With all the things
That took her down
She only felt safe with her own demons...

Can't get up
Get out
Can't think of words
Can't speak
Or write
Can't walk or move a fork
Can't give a fuvk
Much less talk
Fck
****.
Fine
Fat
Freak
Fate
Fake
Fish
Flood
Failure
Final
­Found
Dead
Die, dying
Death,
Need death
I must
D  I  E

need to
Just
FCKING DIE

Sneaking in silently,
whispering
secrets and conspiracies.

This is a puzzle,
scattered by
your thoughtless actions.

Voice still as stone,
I am held
prisoner of my mind.

The hands around my throat,
are not your's
but my very own.

Sometimes we get so fixated on our own idea of happiness, we let it pass us by when it appears before us, in a different form.

Forms we never dared envision, nor ventured close, to even a mild understanding of its construct. As if they were alien figures.

Nirvana exists as a wavelength, where in perpetuity, it is attained and lost almost simultaneously

As if in the entirety of our fulfilment, loosely based of material, rendered intangible achievements redundant.

What we have perceived, an abstract chord high strung on perpetual perfectionism, wringing us dry.

Big things come and go, It is the little things that define us.

It is the little ones that outrun us.

Open your eyes, look pass those blinds;
Pass the black and white. What do you see?
Take a step up, out into the clearing;
Follow the sunlight, dance with the wind.
Rest your weary heart and take a timeout

Let in some light, Give yourself a chance;
To believe to see something, in the rolling waves
Does it matter if God looks down at me
Let us be free, put your secrets in the open;
If there was God, maybe he’d set us free

love is like a broken thread
beads of water rolling off
a once beautiful band ruined
ripped to nothing like before
never a chance to hold back
to rewind the past written
carved into every droplet
falling off our cheekbones

too much has passed
too many regrets and memories
but there were those times
you made it all worth it
you made my whole life
a new dimension

You seemed so distant,
I was so scared.
You have no idea,
What's in my past.
The scars I've collected,
Pain ingrained in me.
I try to break free,
To recreate this piece.
But it's not possible,
Just like fate.
So i just hurt and fear,
Yet again that you'll leave.

you are,
a beautiful piece of art.
you are,
an unsolvable riddle.
you are,
a complex structure.
you are,
an empty vessel.
you are,
a strong girl.

But you are...
Mine.

Pain-

It isn't always a thorn in your feet,
Or the throbbing ache from an overused mind,
Nursing a starved heart.

Fear-

It isn't the Boogeyman in your closet,
Or the silence left behind by a slam of the door,
With his parting words.

Sadness-

It isn't crying into your pillow at night,
Or the broken pieces of a family photo,
Shattered on the floor.

Pain is invisible.
Fear is amiable,
Sadness is insatiable.

Words were all but words
What you never said;
What you said to me
Curses under your breathe.

I opened up my heart
You tore it apart;
Said I lived in fantasies
Bound to turn to dust.

I would fall to the deep end
You wouldn't even help;
Screamed till I was spent
And you just laughed aloud.

Count your blessings,
Try your luck.

Don't wish for luck,
Work towards your goals.

Don't work too hard,
It's better to hit the road.

Don't hit rock bottom,
Search for advice.

Don't give up,
It's your choice.

Don't count your blessings,
I dare you to.

shimmering in it's cloak of darkness
gently caressing broken seams
urging on flawless potentials
reigning pausing untouchable dreams

Have you ever tethered on the edge of sanity ?
Everything's too crammed yet it's all just empty.

Have you ever climbed onto the peak of vanity ?
Forever confused though it seems so orderly.

Have you ever fell into a world of fantasy ?
Dreams and hopes all mistaken as reality.

Have you ever been drove by sanity,
To the peak of vanity,
Only to realize,

It was all,
Fantasy.

You set are me up for failure
You made me cry in bed;
Loved me with your anger
Torn my heart to shreds.

Hiding away my broken pieces
They fell for the lies I said;
As I learnt of comfort in syringes
And illegal prescription pads.

I became a complete stranger
A vile monstrous object;
Lost in this strange creature
My mind no longer intact.

You've hurt me way deeper
Than I've ever slept;
Still struggling to trust people
Losing count of secrets I kept.

I'll crawl under the covers
When alone and scared.
Now I've seen the monster
Living inside my head.

The choice to cut is a signal .
I am trying no more ,
Taking a break from doing my best .

There are reasons why one would do it .

To ease the tension ;
Express emotional pain ;
To punish the body for its history ,
Or alleviate inner rage .

To express shame ;
To provide biochemical relief .

All I know in love ,
Is how to shock people ;

To briefly worship ,
And then to destroy .

And be destroyed .

The barren hall echoes
When my heavy feet falls
Knuckles stained white
From the dust on the walls
Silence was never louder
Than this endless void
Not a single strain of light
Running through the darkness
Only clouds of dirt
Swept up by my wake
My veins run green and blue
Below my battered skin
My limbs are black and blue
From my endless abuse
The misuse of power
Over my clueless ghost

An unconscious self sabotage
The reprimanding echo
A bed of invisible nails

Without the smallest clue
What was this discomfort of?

Exhaustion, a cage without doors.
Menial tasks turned impossible
Stumbling around all dazed

Dressed to the ninth in neglect
I keep forgetting to live.

The last days of a bad summer camp,
Or counting down to the holidays.
Running from a predator,
Sprinting till your bones ached
and your muscles have almost torn;
Still, you keep going.

We all once knew that feeling
Anticipation, every child
Would've been familiar with
I was anxious, overzealous and
eager for it to end.
This life I mean.

Life is a puzzle.
Just like you and me.
Each day a note,
Together they make a melody.

Our life a puzzle,
A melody.
Each and everyone,
Another life, another story.

Black, white, crimson, burgundy,
Different shades of colors,
Lights of different intensities,
Life's of different meanings.

Some live for others,
Others for themselves;
Some have no clue,
Some just wish all was true.

Days pass like flipping pages,
A book opened and soon to be closed.
But after the story,
Still no one knows.

No one ever truly knows,
Never one found out the answer;
The real meanings,
Behind these beautiful melodies.

Many lives, satin ribbons,
fluttering Freely in the wind.

So much the same, similar traits,
yet all we see is Difference.

I do.
I do mean it,

I want this to stop.
I want to change it.

I don't want to be...
It's slave for life.

I have my dreams.
I have my hopes.

I don't want to be...
Burdened,

By this pain.

Forever.

I'm losing sight of the time,
Of the difference in life and fiction.
Losing days at my prime,
Nowhere near my prediction.
Confusing what I think
With the things I've been.
I can no longer see the shore,
No lights, a thick current, no oar.
I'm being swept away
Floating along with the forgotten.
You can feed me with food,
Smother me with love and attention.
But you can never find a teardrop
That has been lost in the ocean.

Needle and thread
flesh and bone
Spit and sinew
heartbreak is home.
Your suture lines
they sparkle like diamonds
Bright stars to light
my confinement.

Locked away in a city of dust ;
Not keen to know or see anyone .
Emotions left to rot and rust ;
A simple thing but it ain‛t all fun .
Heart still throbs with forgotten lust ;
Thou knowest every concern is a pun .
For at hand there's too many a task ;
Yet never will be enough place to run .
Delicate glass hearts break at last ;
All becomes invincible when we become none .

behind this elaborate facade
i am unravelling
ripping at the seams
crumbling down
like a house of cards
still none wakes up

The last chapter of a great story
Ripping off where
A final sigh, almost a gasp for air



At the end of the day --.

every choice is a unmendable mistake
every day is governed by fate
every soul is glass delicate
every smile is fake

inside our minds ourselves we fight
inside our dreams we take flight
inside our lives stories we write
inside our heart is fright

Look in the mirror,
I hate the layers of I fat see;
the morbidly obese
not much of girl than Ogre.

No one seems to know it,
yet I always see in myself;
Like a guilt filled secret,
So heavy it weighs me down.

I can only ask myself,
Cause they always say no.
But the mistrust and insecurity,
They force me towards my Goal.

In the dawn's embrace,
A weary soul seeks solace
In fading stars and a silent sky.
Where shadows dance in solemn waltz,

Echoes linger of dreams erased,
Life's fragile thread unravels, faults.
The weight of the world, a heavy shroud,
Lifted in a poignant plea, one last sigh.

That last breeze,
A final goodbye

A light that beckons,
The chance to be free.

Sometimes you just wake up and don't wanna do anything. All your goals suddenly turn to dust and seem like miserable excuses to live. You just want to lie there and waste away. In your head you're screaming and screaming even though on the outside you're laughing too much, too hyper too friendly. No one see's through the facade, no one can see the pain you're in and you cannot let them know... Because you don't know how to explain. That you didn't think too much, they didn't do anything wrong, no one did anything awful to you..  But you're just hurting...

Why, why me? But
I slept, ate and swam
Eight months. Make it nine
In your extremely ****** up
*****. The hell, you said
I could be sold, for cash.
He said no, then why did he
Go around. No business
******* people, with a family
Back waiting. My loss
They say. But still I'm considered
Lucky, now with them.
I want to say, sure as hell
You never know. There ain't
No difference.  No
Ain't an ounce.

The silence ringing in my ears
Pleas from my silicone heart
An empty shell acting as a machine
Holding too many responsibilities
Too much for her to bare
Resulting in countless errors
Systems malfunctioning
I just want to be loved
To be held in your arms
To have you ruffle my hair
Tell me everything will be better
What's wrong with being a child

I have to get up and out...
no more hiding, you have homework,
and projects and school... I'm so scared...
all this is so much... too much...
medical appointment on Wednesday...
I don't wanna go...
I don't ever wanna leave my room...
lock me in here... I'll be safe...
I don't need food...
Not water either...
I'll just sleep here...
I'll be okay, better than okay...
I'll sleep and I'll be okay...
everything will be okay...
let me sleep in here Forever...

Things are getting messy...
He's upset
    I can't tell why
        He's losing sleep
            I start to question
Is it my fault
     I start feeling afraid
           Feeling so lost and alone
     What is happening
Why am I feeling this way
               When did he start to change
          Where did I go wrong
     What have I done
Why is this happening
          I                    feel
                     L O    s    T
        My mind is
                        FRa CtUR eD
bury me
buury me under
ten feet under the ground
SUFFOCATE ME
                                                         *let me die

Petals flew through the wind
among the overcrowded
morning sky.

Patches of clouds splashed
onto the canvas
that’s my sky.

A seemingly perfect picture
really broken pieces
of glass shards.

Do you love me the way I am
Do you love me for me
Or do you only love me when I'm tamed
Like a beast in hibernation

Are we only ever going to live like this
The light in my eyes no longer shinning
Feelings becoming blunt
Diluted by all those medications

Do you not miss the times
When our love was a wildfire
We burned everything in our way
Our flames never faltered

Going to the beach unprepared
We still stripped off our clothes
Throwing ourselves out into the sea
Free as a eagle soaring through the skies

Holding hands and shivering
In wet clothes and soaking undergarments
We burnt stronger than the cold
As we board the train home together

That was the beauty in love
The true beauty of life
That pack of restraint
The freedom of insanity

I'm not trying to disappoint you
Just choosing to be freed
Like a bird can't fly with twigs in it's wings
I will burn as bright as yesterday

You said to let go,
though you were the one.
I saw through your words
what i saw was no.
You just let pain run;
running through our lives.
why do people always lie
blinding each of us with ice...

This is such a place of agony.
Why is everyone so angry?
I wish fists would stop clenching.
"Hate" should have no meaning,
Nor voice.

If the Devil were real,
He would be too powerful.
Fed with our anger
And this endless rage.

We could have been so much
So much more peaceful,
So much better.
Why did we have to start a war?

If only the people could smile
From deep in their souls.
If only darkness did not leak
From the corners of all our hearts.

If only smiles rang true true,
And demons stayed under beds;
Out of our lives and our days,
Out of all our minds.

If God does not smite you down,
The world will.
we should've understood definitions.
"Human" is not a compliment or gift.
Humanity is the curse,
and it's closing in.

We never got to see the place they told us could be ours.
Till this very day, arms sore and feet calloused
I reap no harvest, no achievement, just a huge world, a insignificant wanderer
Even when I slip there's no choice for me but to stand once again
Not tall or proud,  nothing majestic, just barely balancing
Walking a tightrope with my heart on the line,  doubts crowding my mind and my sanity under
Well, they used to say the world could be ours
They said if we worked hard enough
"The reward would be nothing short of splendor and grandiose! Trust us! "
They doled out with those words and such confidence, our naivete led us to believe
Led us into our own labyrinth of madness
Darkness ascended without a warning,
Without a sound, no warnings, no sirens
We had no where to run, no where to hide
It was worst than hurricane Katrina
Worst than the ruins carved out by lava
A natural disaster doesn't even to begin to cover what this could be
Its a catastrophic apocalyptic tragedy that words couldn't begin to explain

Words, thoughts, like chords;
Sewn, printed, onto paper.
Works, strewn, unwanted;
Taken to ground like ashes.
Owners forgotten, children;
Stained, broken, like old dolls.
Worn, exhausted, crippled;
All to become their elders.

To you this may spell
A single word
Betrayal
But the honest truth
Is that I'm just
Confused
Are dreams worthwhile
Or they're mere
Illusions
Is this a twisted game
Could this be the
Truth