Stranger's hands wrapped around my neck,
ropes tightly tied around my hands & feet,
They pointed a gun to my head,
and their words pointed a knife to my heart.
As they **** me slowly infront of you,
my screams filled your ears,
the image of my tortured body
was stuck inside your head.
Your body was frozen in place
nothing to do while I was suffering
right infront of you.

  - yet you mourned for my death

the sun hid behind the clouds
causing the 9am sky to be a dusty blue
with rays of sun peeking through every now and then
it was mid-winter and the air was crisp
it smelt of the new year, full of hopes and dreams, love and life
the two of them were found sitting at a little table at a room-large restaurant
in the crowded, busy city center
she wore a pale yellow shalwaar kameez
with a light brown pashmina shawl draped around her narrow shoulders
to protect her from the frosty wind which blew back her dupatta
he still had sleepy eyes and unmade bed hair
she'd dragged him out of bed a little too early
it had been a long night, and it had taken a lot of strength to leave his blanket in the early morning hours
but looking at her eccentric face right now made him realize he'd leave anything to be with her right now
she asked him what he wanted to eat
and he was pulled out of the trance, staring into her green-brown eyes reflecting in the morning sun
"jo tum kaho" he smiled that little side smile at her, letting her order for him
the smile she had fallen in love with on the very first day
8 months ago, in the middle of summer when fate intervened and crossed their paths
she called the waiter and ordered two cups of chai and asked him to bring her parathas straight off the stove
"and keep them coming!" she yelled after the waiter who walked a few steps away to the tiny corner kitchen wide enough for a single man, maybe two
"keep them coming?" he looked at her, a little skeptical
"trust me on this one" she smiled widely at him, "if you can't eat them, i will"
that made him laugh, he knew she wouldn't be able to handle more than two
but he just smiled & nodded, anything she wanted, anything she desired, he couldn't help but grant her
she kicked off her khussas and scrunched her knees on the plastic garden chair
closing her eyes and inhaling the winter air
he looked at her and thought to himself
she is my breath of fresh air
and somehow, call it a sixth sense, she noticed his eyes on her
"kya dekh rahey **?" she pouted her lips
"bus...tumhey" he laughed
she hid her face in her dupatta
"stop it!" she giggled
he leaned over the table and pulled her dupatta away, lowering his voice as he said
"you're beautiful"
she caught her breath, lost in his mahogany eyes- strong, protective, loving
the waiter interrupted them, placing their order on infront of them
"yay. khaana's here! she yelled
to be honest, she was thankful it had come
she felt embarrassed by the grip his gaze had on her
and she was a little hungry too
she reached for a paratha, immediately pulling away and ****** her fingers
"it's too garam" she made a face
he split the paratha, unflinching, and gave her half
"i'm still stronger than you." she said
"i know." he made a kissy face at her
she wanted to reach over and kiss his pouting lips
but she she pretended as if she as unconcerned and began her food
a paratha and a cup of chai later she put her hands on her stomach
"i'm full"
he looked at the three parathas infront of them, the waiter bringing the fourth as per the order
he shook his head
"tum bhi na."
he told the waiter to parcel the rest of the food as he took the last sip of chai
the caffeine worked its way through his body and he stretched away the sleep
"you're full? chalo, okay, i had planned on ordering gulaab jamuns for dessert. i guess i'll have to eat them alone."
her mouth opened in shock, then, realizing he was joking, she smiled cheekily
"i always have space for a gulaab jamun or two."
he laughed, wondering how she managed to make him fall deeper in love with her as the moments passed
they sat under the shade of the gulmohar tree and ate their dessert in silence
taking in the beauty of the weather, of the city, of each other, of the moment
and as the sun reached for the sky, higher and higher
she reached for his hand
gentle, kind, warm
her touch sent a buzz through his body
"i love you" she whispered
he could only stare at her delicate pink lips as she spoke
realizing he had found within her an everlasting future
he smiled at the thought
he'd never thought he'd fall in love with such a silly, gulaab jamun-loving girl
but now, it seemed like she was the only star in his night sky
his shooting star
his hope
**his love.

It seems even when I'm finally over you, you come back like a bull, and I'm wearing red.

With both of us standing
Infront of the guillotine,
Why did you take her
Instead of me?

I'm trying to find the reason.
Why did I deserve to live?
What kept me here
And took her away?

I'm not even close
To deserving half a life.
But she did nothing wrong,
Still she's the one you took.

Maybe it's survivors guilt,
And maybe i'm being stupid.
But I don't understand,
Why God would take a soul like hers
And leave me to live.

Appeared infront, just appeared;
Foot prints left behind her,
came closer as possible,
fresh wind stricking me,
world is now under my foot; realized
because she is right infront of me!!

How to conquer the world when you are manic and preserve it when you are depressed.

I had a close friend send me a text a few weeks ago
Reminding me how to breathe and that I had to get out of bed,
I thought if she could have read my mood from the west coast
As I rotted in cotton comforters in the east, I must have been pretty obvious
Maybe it’s because we have been friends for ten years or because
I plaster every up and down online to vague audiences, I cast out my emotions
Like frayed fishing line, trying to catch even a glimpse of someone who relates.
But when this friend texted me she said something that might help balance out
The high-highs with the unbearable lows is writing how I feel when I am both.
I did my best to put the feeling of flying at 100mph upside down with wings made of silken sheets into words but the minute I did they turned into wings of concrete and I lost my focus again. And so I went to answer my friend and I said ‘here is how to conquer the world when you are manic”

I am caffeine therapy,
engulfed in energy
I am yellow, I am green
I am everything at once,
I feel everything all at once.
Did I mention?
Hey, I'm really excited to tell you
I’m gonna save the world,
All of it.
Today.
try and stop me.
I woke up at 4 this morning
Watched the sun swallow shadows
Like it was yearning for something dark
To balance itself out.
Too much light is dangerous too.
I always like to watch the sunrise before I go out to save the world, Waking up early always gives me so much more time And today I will do a lot,  I want to save the world. I hope you know I'm going to.

I am yellow, I am green. I am everything at once.
I am traffic jams spread out across freeways,
I am six trips in a row to the same store because I kept forgetting what I needed,
Music playing so loud you can’t hear anything else
I wash down amphetamines with coffee
I am now Narrow energy. I'm traveling a perfectly paved road Home to a room where I cannot see the floor, but that’s okay because I’m
Going to save the world today.
It doesn't matter how fast I'm going as long as you see me get there.
I am validation starvation in calorie counting notebooks,
I am looks from strangers whose eyes wonder loudly how I got marks on my arms or how I'm bouncing my foot like energy is spewing out my body but still have bags under mine that insinuate exhaustion I never learned how to overcome.
I am a math equation stuck inside the text book
From that semester I dropped out;
I am heat energy dancing inside shattered beakers, I am weathered worn out sneakers still being used because it’s hard to let go,
I'm kissing catalytic conversations with those I love because I need a reaction to feel like they're listening,
I am potential energy ready to become kinetic,
I am energetic and today, I have the heart to save the world.
I am off track, my bad. Its like an “ADHD starter pack” but there's no warranty or handbook.
Anyway, I started by re-enrolling in classes because I have always been good at school,
Except for when I stopped going but I have always been good at school and I can understand why everyone around me might expect me to succeed, I emit determination from my mouth when my heart feels empty, but I did sign back up because
This time I'm ready, and this  time I won’t ever feel low again, I think i beat it finally
I feel it in my bones as I cross busy streets without looking either way
I'm invincible and incredible
I am yellow I am green
I am hydro energy feeding off the
Big deep blue sea,
I am gratitude as an action
Not a trinket I can break
and today I will save the world
and tomorrow I will not be low,
And today I will conquer my fears, all 647
And tomorrow I will tell my friends I love them
And today I will remind myself that skin cells
Replace themselves every 28 days
So I only have to wear long sleeves for that many more
And tomorrow I will wake up and do my homework
And today I will surely save the world,
I will never feel so low as I have ever again
How could I when there is so much to smile for?
I’m laughing so loud my neighbors are asking,
And my friends think I’m doing better and I tell them I am. I am.
I am yellow, I am serene,
I feel it in my skin that I am better
recovery feels like Holding hands at sixteen and iced tea, And this is easy!
I am yellow, I am green.
I am yellow, I am green.
I feel everything all at once.
floating between causes, altruism is a virus, slithering through my veins, celebrating how much I will do today. Did I mention how much I will do today?
I'm going to save the world.
After signing back up for classes I spread out my day like magazine clippings I'll never put onto a “dream board” because I will most likely forget about them, my dreams make better notes in my iphone where I can see them
As I check my contacts to see who I can talk to today. Or who will listen. I wonder who will listen. Or what kind of game I will play to make someone listen.
I am yellow, I am green. It’s noon and I am flying.
Here is how else I will save the world:
I will make sure I save myself first,
I'll clean my room and go to the gym
work off three weeks of sweets with three hours on the treadmill, I forgot how good it feels to run and I know that this is the last time I will ever, ever give up.
I’m better now. I run on a track that loops back in on itself because I find comfort in knowing it will always return no matter how many times I lose sight of where I'm going, I would get lost were I to run outside because when you are everything all at once you seldom stay in place, God there is just so much to look at. I will never look back at who I was even as late as yesterday.
I get lost inside rubix cube mentalities and short lived craft store hobbies, but I'm better.
I am yellow, I am green. And today I am going to be a wildlife photographer, And an artist, and when people ask me what I want to be I tell them
I will work for the United Nations and that I am going to save the world, they believe me and ask me how I'll do it and I realize that I have yet to start saving the world.
I woke up at 4, so sure today was the day,
I felt it in my heart like the time I took two of my adderalls by mistake because I forgot that I took one that day, I felt it and it was real. Throbbing like a bump from falling but real. I lost track of that feeling for a second and now it is fleeting.
What is happening?

I am yellow, I am green.
I am yellow, i am yellow I am yellow,
Are you still listening?
I'm potential energy locked inside a pendulum
Hanging from a chemical tree that dies fast and grows slowly, Im staggered progress dressed up like empathy, I'm baggage too heavy
I am yellow, I am green.
I am fleeting energy
The kind that sparks a few times
On telephone lines turned pink infront of sunsets in july, gone before your friends can see it too.
They never really see it, too.
I am yellow, I am green

I forgot to shower every day this week but
I'm too tired to get out of bed,
What is happening? Can you remind me what I was doing?
I was supposed to save the world today
I’m sorry.
I was really going to save the world today
I'm taking in as much caffeine as I can without
Making my heart feel like it will push its way
Through my ribs out of my chest
Though being able to feel in my chest again
Might not be so bad. I’m stuffing smoke inside my cavities to fill them up, doing my best to keep feeling inside the skin I wear when I can feel it
Going numb, even it hurts at least I can feel it, I wish I could inject caffeine right into my veins,
I wish you could jump infront of moving trains without Hurting everyone on board,
I wish I felt less like this but I wish I felt more,
I reread texts from last night where transitioning
Felt like fist fighting recovery, her having one up on me,

I am crimson, I am grey, I am fleeting energy.
I’m so sorry.


I thought I said that before
And I might have but I forgot, I feel cloudy
I stumbled through steel wool tall grass to make it
Out of bed today and the weight of every single mistake I have ever made feels like it will surely break my spine Right in half, I don’t know if I will make it through today.
I wish someone would save me today.
I am crimson, I am grey.
I need someone to save my world today.

Anxiety is rocking back and forth at 1am like a small frightened child.
It's slowly pulling every single hair out of your arms.
It's biting your nails, and picking at your skin.
It's those tiny snaps that make no noise.

Anxiety is taking a curve at 110 mph.

Anxiety is my red hair.
Its the first thing that people see about me, and the first thing they assume is fake.

Anxiety is puking. Having no control over your body and becoming physically ill.

Its replying to a text message .2 seconds after it was received and then turning off your phone because you don't want to see the other persons response to your swift reply.

Anxiety is noticing. Its noticing the minute changes in tone, posture, manurisims and ticks, music choices when you are around, and how often they use descriptive words that could subconsciously be describing you.

Anxiety is failed medications, after failure, after failure, after failure, after failure, after failure. You become the failure.

Anxiety is a broken record.
Knowing that everything is fine, still panicking at the drop of a pin.
Its replaying conversations you've had with others over the mental dispute of one tiny word, even years after the conversation occurred.
Its overthinking.
It's constantly wondering if your hands are in the right position, if your resting ***** face is showing, or if you have a hair on the wrong side of your part.
It's locking the door, both locks, checking the locks, leaving, turning around and checking the locks again, leaving, and then turning around to make sure the iron is off.

Anxiety is not ordering food because you don't want to talk to the wait staff, nor eat infront of others because you know you will make a mess of yourself.

Anxiety is constantly being a clumsy fool. It's things you can't control and it's faceplants on concrete.
It's making plans in advance, way in advance. It's asking your friends what their plans for New Year's Eve are, even though it's only March.
It's wanting to ask a girl out on a date, even though you have been on multiple with her, and trying to schedule it two and a half months in advance.

Anxiety is lists.
It's remembering what time you brushed your teeth this morning, but forgetting the childhood story your friend told you 5 minutes ago.
It's repeating yourself because you forget your own words from 5 minutes ago.
It's looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger.
It's waking up while driving down the road, having no clue what's went on in the past 24 hours.

Anxiety is like drinking on a hangover.
It's mental, it's physical, it's psychotic.
It's seizures, it's palpitations, it's hospital trips with whispers of a straight jacket.

Anxiety is more than being afraid of a stage, anxiety is the downfall of me.

the veil
me, captivated from 1st introduction
expression of character
extension of the wearer
women forced to express, communicate, and develop new communication methods
limited with resources reveal, the eyes
they reveal what the mouth dare not speak
deviance, love, hate, pain, or dead soul
they connect between souls effortlessly
only seconds needed to be edged into my mind
to echo eternity
often forgetting the owner, remembering the moment
piercing eyes revealing life lived, dreams forgotten and compromised made

on the other side
i long to see the smile or grin belonging to the eyes
long to connect verbally to know what created the captivating eyes
walking down the street i long, search for :
the thing that makes us human
how we recognise each other
how species compare

the face

A
D
C
B
B
B
Be correct please...
I cant stand these tests
Desighned to determine the worth of our mind.
Dont mind me im just suisidal because i got a C, plus these desks lined infront of me, im my three hour exam that took me two and a half hours of writting i took the rest of my time to count the isles,  35 then i took some time to count how many were lined in front of me 31, and with me thats 1120 desks filled with students so stressed you could cut their hope with a single breath. Now this horror scene has no bars but the crippiling debt deffinitly imprisons us. Its funny that a gymnasium can be turned to a slaughter house, maybe even a gas chamber killing hope by the masses leaving thoasands behind because they allready got their check.

He de-seeded himself into three pieces and proceeded to grow a tree of decieving, you see.
One seed of the tree was greed, so all it would breed was to feed our needs.
Once we used up all its weeds we decided to dig deep to see what this tree was hiding.
There it was, all along infront of our eyelids.
The roots of this tree grew in all directions endlessly.
How could this be?
One seed for greed, one seed for achieving infinity..?
And for the third, I (eye) tried to see through the mystery of the last seed I collected all the ingredients to cook up the last grand meal.
Stirring it I caught a quick wiff of its essence and for a mere second I felt free, I acknowledged the knowledge of being me.
My brain was introduced to DMT and I also knew the signifigance of the truth, now I knew what I had to do.
Convinced of the truth but I still follow all your rules, im not insane I wouldnt go blow up a school but I swear, latley my brain been telling me, only options I have is to accept my destiny or change it by a killing spree.
I know you are testing me but how am I supposed to enjoy this beautiful scenery if I cant even get this stress of my chest so I can rest again peacefully.
I knew I owe my soul to this tree for the knowledge its giving me.
I try to hold on to my memories but as its leaves they fall eventually...
It kills me everyday, living, knowing its not for me.. not for me...

This is a story of a girl who goes into the shower
but she doesn't want to changed her clothes

And she's ******* infront of me
oh god please I don't wanna see
cause it's tickles down there in me

and then we're
goin' on a free way
we're goin' on a highway
we're goin' to see a movie
we're goin' to see the stars
and watch the milky way
away from the city lights
oh my eyes see everything
even when it's dark

this is gonna be fun
we're gonna run
away from home
we're gonna run
to a place that we we're never ever
to a place that we we're never ever
to a place that we we're never been before

This is a story of a girl who goes into the shower
but she doesn't want to changed her clothes

And she's ******* infront of me
oh god please I don't wanna see
cause it's tickles down there in me

And she's ******* infront of me
oh god please I don't wanna see
cause it's tickles everything inside of me

He must really love her body
how could he not?
unlike mine's , hers is wonderland
Those thigh gap of hers
is more than my Finger's gaps
This chubby cheeks of mine
fails badly infront of her ***
this little height,fat filled inside
I'm not even good for a sight

To everyone's"how are you?" question
I reply " I am fat,alright?"
I know there's nothing wrong with me
thats just a fat inside
This fat loves my body so much
so how can I hide?
it might feel bad
so I console myself,its alright
I mean,
I can live without thigh gap & height
those stomach in and *** out is compromised
I am better person inside
hahaha I am kidding
I must be really high
seriously,
I need that slim body outside.

Flipping threw my old yearbook
I see girls who were once gorgeous
tooken my the devils hand
pregnant and life beaten now
horrendous
I remember seeing them
with there cheerleading outfits on
As I sat in a corner by myself
I here them laughing and chatting
about going to tonys house after school
I remember tony strong handsome captain of the highschool world
I saw him two weeks ago
With his hands covering his face
And a shot next to him
3 empty beers infront
He really let himself go I remember thinking
fat and forgotten about
still clinging to that highschool dream
I remember him saying I was a loser as he flipped my lunch tray
and humiliated me by reading my little notebook of writes
I remember saying to him
one day ill have the last laugh
one day ill see you down and out
and you'll ask me for a handout
going back to the bar I sit down
A couple stools down to see if he recognised me
He finished his 3 beers as I finished my long island ice tee
he said to the bar tender I gotta ***
be right back
I followed him to the restroom
and we were a ****** apart
I looked over and seen his small patheic *****
as I looked at my *****
I laughed
and I laughed
and I laughed
looked over at tony
and said see sir
I did get the last laugh
and I left
I hope he knows me now
I hope he knows me now

I gave you reason to hate me, an a little to resent we. My presence goes without mention but my absence is judged like the last day on your earth. Made u smile religously an now you don't see the glow in me ,is it because I'm a reflection of who you thought you were or is it coz i caught the drift you tried so hard to pass to me ,now you back complaining about how I haven't changed an you forget how you use to "love" this old me . Do me a favour say hello to the women the girl infront of me use to be

I see the yellow brick road
Right infront of me,
I dont know where it ends
And I don't know where it leads,
One foot infront of the other,
But alwas a step behind,
I walk down the yellow road,
But forgot to read the sign.

If i had
What then?
Would I still walk the path,
Keep going 'till the end?
Or would I turn around,
And slowly walk back home,
Or would i face the the trouble,
To find a place where I belong?

My bestfriend wanted to **** himself last night.
Drunk as **** he called me.  
Crying his eyes out as he rants.
Talking about wanting to die.
Begging I pleaded for him not to.
Yet he had no care for what I said.
Telling me he wanted to feel what it was like to cut.
Leaving his phone to go find a razor.
I ran the five minute walk to his house.
Rushing in, he throws the blade in shock.
Then fights me as I try to keep him from going and finding it.
Fights me as I try to stop him from getting another one.
Crying I beg him to stop cutting.
Beg him to stop as he slits his wrists open infront of me.
It was as though he had no care for me.
As though I was some stranger standing in his way of happiness.
He was a different person entirely.
Calling the only mom I trust.
She rushes over and we force him to get up and leave.
We were able to stop him.
Get him to talk.
Yet.
He is still so distance.
So different.
I'm scared to death...
Scared that I'm on the verge of losing my bestfriend.
The guy who got me sober.
Who has stopped me from cutting and more, countless times.
I can't survive without him.
I can't help but pray with everything in me.
That he will be okay.
That he will make it through.
I love him too much to lose him.
He's my bestfriend.
I'm scared to leave him alone.
I'm scared to overcrowd him.
I just want him safe.
I don't know how to feel about all of this.
I'm scared out of my mind.

I sat on the log as uneven as it was. My cold blue eyes were set on the dancing flames infront of me. The stories from my past played out as I watched the flames create new stories I could only immagine. As I watched my past unfold infront of me, my eyes began to fill up with tear. Tears of joy and hope. Tears of sadness and frustration. Suddenly, the flames began to grow engulfing my past and burning it to ashes. I slowly opened my eyes to see a small crackling fire infront of me, an austic guitar let out a simply beautiful tune. I sat there somehow forgetting my past, my eyes set on the dancig flames.

123...
I hug you then you hug me
we go our separate ways like the red sea.

123...
You call my phone already feeling alone, I send you to voicemail leave a message at the tone.

123...
Theirs tears on my pillows aswell as my sheets, just wishing if oneday again we can meet.

123...
A few months go by I hear a knock on my door, wondering if it's you coming back for more.

123...
I'm taken by surprise, it's you standing infront of me wiping the tears from my eyes.

123...
I can't live without you and you can't live without me, this is our 123 game of uncertainty.


                                  *I Love You Tho

Please tell me whats goin on.
Help me understand what went wrong.
I badly need a full proof explanation.
Look at whats happening to the nation.
Is this the best that the government can do?
People always dying infront of me and you.
Poor families still burried in the mud.
In position still are the ones making the country look bad.
Nobody hears the cry of millions.
Every leader only attends to themselves and takes no action.
Sixteen presidents that didnt have eyes to see the real situation.

I know how old I am
I know how old I look
Don't be fooled by the beard on my face
Don't let my height fool you either
Just know, I am just a boy afterall

I love sports
I play with toys,
No, not the ones you have in mind
I play soccer once in a while
I might scream and shout at the TV knowing well Messi can't hear me
I still do it anyway
Because, I'm still just a boy

I have a drink with 'the boys' now and then
I act tough, I am tough
Also maybe a little soft inside
The side I never show
I hide my pain, I don't cry infront of people
Why? No, because I'm no *****
But, I am still a boy afterall

I like girls, only one I particular
She makes my heart skip a beat
I look at things I shouldn't sometimes
I make mistakes, nowhere near perfect
I lie sometimes, honest every other time
You know why,
because I'm just still a boy

And this very moment, this very place
I am just a boy, infront of a girl
Pouring his heart out
And asking her to love her...

I still remember that night. I remember how I felt before it happened more vividly than how I felt after. I think I remember it so well because that was the last time I ever felt whole.
My shorts were short
my ******* were wet
my sweet little cherry had yet to be popped.

Your intentions filled the room as I admired the spit drool on the side of your lips. The uneasy smirk on your face. You wanted a lot more than to "just get laid." I was far too young to even begin to understand the parts of my body you knew not to touch.

As you kissed me down my neck and your manhood grew harder, my spine quivered and my fear shook. My mother always told me to follow my gut and when I did you grabbed me and you told me not to listen to it. You told me to ignore what I didn't want for the sake of your temporary pleasure. You disregarded my comfort and put your **** ahead of my feelings.

You yanked my legs open and your ripped me into two pieces, and till this day I have yet to find the other half you stolen from me, and I swear I almost see it everyday when I stand ahead of myself naked infront of my mirror but I can never stare at myself long enough to grab me in and make myself whole again.

Do you see what you have done to me? Was each stroke of stolen pleasure worth every jump I make when the man I love touches me with permission? Was your everlasting ******, sounds of moans and sighs escaping from your lips, echoing in my stomach and spilling out in my tears worth me cutting myself open every night since?

I guess it was because at least I'm giving myself permission opening myself up. At least the pain has consent. At least the blade dragging across my skin silenced the sound of your pleasure inside of me. At least the blood from my wrist dripping onto the bathroom floor isn't mixed with your ***.

At least I have the choice to put just a little more pressure in and I wont have to be reminded of you anymore.

**** happens,
everytime you walk infront of me.
How did you do this?
like my heart wanted to be free.



You look at me,
like i'm just a no one.
but for me,
I think you're the one.



Everytime,
i hear you laugh.
****!
I just can't get enough.




Please,
Stop smiling.
Cause,
I don't wanna see myself
dying.



Dying,
because i'm crazy.
Crazy,
because i'm falling for you hardly.

I was born to a folk rock princess
midwest mistress
rock n roll roads and
gasoline kisses
oil spilled souls
and windy dusted bowls
saddle up baby, I'm ready to go
don't leave me behind
in the dust and tornadoes

I was born beside greenwood graves
there are bodies beneath my feet
I can't help but think
that they were buried in vain
lost souls wandering  the districts that destroy them
empty bottles in their palm refuse to employ them
arts and crafts and coffee stops
roadside Indian antique shops
burrito shacks and littered lights
fill the streets that come alive
there are fireworks every other night

driving down the freeway fleet wood Mac in my memories
like mini golf with my father
dancing queen dreams
T.G.I.Fridays every Saturday at 5 and we didn't care
judging the smokers I couldn't help but stare

I was born jumping over chain linked fences
thunder and ice storm chasing me
away from common senses
I think I have the riverwalk blues
I think I was born breaking the rules
picking my best friend off of the floor
shoving a steak knife infront of my door
naked and Afraid
desperate to live on my own at age 8
but
my mother she's an angel
put me on a pedestal
waited back stage just in case I got too afraid
wrote a note in my lunch
every day until 8th grade
I love you baby, everything is going to be okay.
but maybe it's something inside
that this city instilled
a constant wanting to escape
the buffalo and dry hills
Cherokee blood runs red within me
flooding my heart
with the struggles of my ancestry
running far against the wind
feathers in my hair I can only pretend
but dont let this golden drilled oil  spilled eternity come to an end


ttown country sounds envelope my sheets
toss and turn in the night
to escape cali dreams
In the 7th grade i fantasized about running away
west coast beaches south side or Palm Bay
I think of all the reasons to leave
blue collared *******
Bible Belt ignorance
tornado terrors
sexist homophobic nightmares
concrete cracked and dry with history
downtown skyline etched in my memory
the smile from my barista I receive every morning
the constant reminders of my constant admiring
that Tulsa
is inspiring
and I can't leave without pulling the roots out from under me
hopefully ill plant new ones, hopefully ill stay sane
when my life has been borrowed and blown away
but I know one thing for sure, it won't be the same.

12.5.11

Better than me
Is that what you are?
Better than me,
Is what you should be.

Your knees wobble, it’s all I see.
Your voice quivers, giving me shivers.
As I cringe,
I need you to be, better then me.

My walls are crumbled
As your words grow jumbled,
I stand there with you,
In front of the crowd.

Every noise
Seems so loud
As you face
My fear with grace.

WE are the dear
Caught in a headlight,
I feel the cold
Of the lonesome night.

I feel the sweat drip
Down my face,
I feel a disgrace
As I quicken my pace.

But i need you to see
You are better than me.

___________________­____


This is inspired by the bravery that it takes to stand infront of a crowd and show something you have created. It highlights that public speaking, at least infront of highschoolers, is a big fear and weakness of mine. It also highlights the empathy and solidarity I feel with people who feel the same way as I do when they stand up there, next to that microphone.

I still remember that night. I remember how I felt before it happened more vividly than how I felt after. I think I remember it so well because that was the last time I ever felt whole.

Your intentions filled the room as I watched the drool on the side of your lips. The uneasy smirk on your face. You wanted a lot more than to "just get laid." I was far too young to even begin to understand the parts of my body you knew not to touch.

As you kissed me down my neck, my spine quivered and my fear shook. My mother always told me to follow my gut and when I did you grabbed me and you told me not to listen to it. You told me to ignore what I didn't want for the sake of your temporary pleasure. You disregarded my comfort and put your **** ahead of my feelings.

You yanked my legs open and your ripped me into two pieces, and till this day I have yet to find the other half you stolen from me, and I swear I almost see it everyday when I stand ahead of myself naked infront of my mirror but I can never stare at myself long enough to grab me in and make myself whole again.

Do you see what you have done to me? Was that temporary pleasure from my little 13 year old body worth the pain I face today? Was that stolen pleasure worth every jump I make when the man I love touches me with permission? Was your everlasting ******, sounds of moans and sighs escaping from your lips, echoing in my stomach and spilling out in my tears worth me cutting myself open every night since?

I guess it was because at least I'm giving myself permission opening myself up. At least the pain has conscient. At least the blade dragging across my skin silenced the sound of your pleasure inside of me. At least the blood from my wrist dripping onto the bathroom floor isn't mixed with this filth.

At least I have the choice to put just a little more pressure in and I wont have to be reminded of you anymore.

When I first saw her, she was like an enemy infront of my eyes,
As I kept growing in her presence and understanding her,she became my obsession,
For I grew old in love and young in hatred,
For she became my source of life,
Like the freshness of the ocean she purely remained in my thoughts,
For I without her I am purely dehydrated,
For at night she becomes my own vission and at daylight she becomes my ambition,
For she became my need of life and love,
For she is truely my determination of love..

She owns a castle
Feeble as glass
crumbling walls to repel the past.
As the roots creeps higher onto the castle walls
Years passed and no one danced the waltz
Medieval old music keeps playing
She was abandoned, lost and dying.
she was an unsaved princess left alone
all her sadness never known
a dainty flower
meant to wither
She stared afar
Eyes locked on a nearby tower
yet she seemed distant
Vowed never to speak of love again
she was silent all these years...
she was empty, alone, forgotten
Just like her castle
She sits atop the velvet chair
Stood up at the veranda on the cliff
Pain was all hers to keep
what could've happen
if she'd just leap
She owns a magnificent ocean
of glistening tears
You'll hear her screams
blend with the roaring waves
On sleepless nights she wanders
The great garden
The ambiance of melachonly
The field of haze seems to widen
A ruler to all the shadows casted
A subject to her desires neglected

The doors are shut
Countless barricades will bombard you
Before you could walk up to the bridge
So brace yourself and your white horse
She wont let you get to her
Silly..silly..kinglet
She waited,
Oh how many years has it been.
Kneel infront
Of the *lonely queen.

She lived deep in the forest,
in a tiny little cottage,
she sold little hearbal remedies,
****** mary,
****** mary.

For she was kinda weird,
for she was called a witch,
none dared to go to her house,
****** mary,
****** mary.

She was accused for drying cows,
and for rotting stored food,
when children cought a cold,
****** mary,
****** mary.

Little girls in a village,
began to disappear,
one by one they all went,
****** mary,
****** mary.

No one found,
wheere the children went,
they simply just vanished,
****** mary,
****** mary.

A few brave souls,
went to the cottage,
to see what they could find,
****** mary,
****** mary.

Denied she told,
to those brave souls,
she now looked attractive,
****** mary,
****** mary.

Then came a night,
where a little girl,
walked away at night,
****** mary,
****** mary.

Her mother screamed,
her father worried,
but she kept on walking,
****** mary,
****** mary.

The townsmen saw,
a glowing light,
coming from the woods,
****** mary,
****** mary.

Then they say,
behind a tree,
standing the unseen,
****** mary,
****** mary.

It was mary,
being scary,
pointing at the girls house,
****** mary,
****** mary.

They shot,
and stabbed,
upon mary,
****** mary,
****** mary.

Mr miller shot her,
whith a silver bullet,
in the hip,
****** mary,
****** mary.

the townsfolk grabed her,
and burned her,
at the stake,
****** mary,
****** mary.

But as she died,
she scramed a curse,
at those who say her name,
****** mary,
****** mary.

She said if you,
say her name three times,
infront of a mirror,
****** mary,
****** mary.

You will die,
if you say those,
****** mary,
****** mary,
****** mary.