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karin naude Nov 2018
you made me gorge on lies
convincing me all the while that it is truth
you made me believe that life is beautiful
that after each storm life renew better stronger than before
what a perfect trap i fell in
a prisoner of my lonely life
was so desperate i didn't question
my intuition warned me again and again
i stood up for you
like the warrior i am
semper fi
never leave one behind

once again i find myself alone and abandoned
lost in a jungle i do not know
punishment i have to endure
this was my last, this i promise myself
i wish i never met you, *** only knows why i had to meet you
i warned you before, forgetting me is impossible
replacing me will never happen
you have signed yourself to a death sentence by being weak
soon you will be married
soon you will be a father
soon you will crave me
you will search for me in every corner
then only will you realize my worth
my life has been ended so that her life can continue
and for your family who does not care for you nor love you sacrificed
i hope it is worth it in the end for you
karin naude Nov 2018
you act like i do not exist
i am a stone to be thrown away
each day you pray to your ***
i wonder
my mind tells me that within a year you will be dead?
don't know wont be by my hand
you are not deserving of that
you will call my name in agony
a name you have never acknowledged nor accepted
you will call my name for the pain and tears that you cause me now
will pave the road for you
careful you might slip and fall
you will call my name
i will haunt your dreams
but there will be no comfort
not in a bottle
not in prayer
not in fasting
not in any drug
you trampled on my love and dreams
a price needs to be pain
not to me, but the balance needs to be restored

i am a unwilling sacrifice for your sick twisted sense of right and wrong, it will not be worth it in the end. you cannot build on someone else's tears a bright future.
karin naude Nov 2018
another apology
this is becoming a deadly game
trust vs past experience
my mind apologizes to my heart again
my heart sacrificed on a ghastly alter
a sacrifice for someone else's happiness
my tears and broken pieces are the building blocks for a new marriage

the shame i feel
i defended an unworthy person
in the end you abandoned me like all the others
you proved yourself to be a liar of great standing

i do not know what i lack as a person
but its is clear i am unworthy of love and companionship
my curse to live and to love
a lonely life
my punishment
karin naude Feb 2018
So much sadness
I struggle to keep a leach
I put a face up
I am a bad pretender
But most only see the anger
Few realise it is rooted in tear
People ask what i want
Most days im so busy fighting
A war that never ends
Im trying only to survive
I dont have the luxury of knowing what i want
In most cases i dont get it anyway
So why bother to want
Why make the effort
In the end i will be disappointed
I feel a deep desire to just leave
Leave and disappear
Not death
Just gone
No one can judge me
No one can find fault in me
No ons can dictate who i should be
No one to criticise me
This oasis does not exist
I know, silly girl
A clown for all to laugh at
The world is full of like minded people
We must find each other
We can create a sanctuary for us
We can love each other and heal through nurturing
I can dream
My dreams unrealistic is all that is mine
In a world were a round shape cannot exist
karin naude Feb 2018
Lets run away
Only me myself and i
And of course my babies
Will anybody look
I wonder who will look
Will anybody wonder
Will they ever find me
All the questions over flow
If i gambled i would say, NO
No one will look, wonder or find me
I am here but already gone
No one even knows
No one sees through my *******
No one questions when i say im fine
No one
To me this equals my worth
I have made no differance being here
I am a waste
More reason to just disappear
karin naude Feb 2018
Stop looking at your phone
I say to mysef, angry and irretated
Inside, my heart holds a flame of hope
Mind is wrong
Heart declares
Bold and sure
He loves me
He will call or message
He cares about me
I will hear his ringtone
My heart trying to convince my mind
But the truth is known by all
Mind spirit soul and body

Loved by so few
I do not recognise being loved anymore
All i feel is pain
Pain, anger, bitterness, sadness, shame
Shame to admit all the above
Only way to heal is to lay bare
karin naude Feb 2018
During daily life
I wonder what you are doing
Are you happy or unhappy
If i buy you this, will you appreciate it
Would you like my taste in gift
Do you even want a gift from me
I show interest in your likes
I bend to accomodate you
I allow you my body
But .... but .....
In return ..... not enough
I crave romance and nurturing
From only you
This i have communicated
Many .... many ... many times
But not important to you
How you always say ," we have mature love"

In your heart of hearts
Am i?
Or are you comsumed by turning me into your only real love?
Fuelling my anxiety and low self esteem
Find myself negotiating with my inner
Life will not be so bad if i settle with you
It could be much ... much worse
Financially you can and will provide
This i know
But so can i
I have been doing it for a long while
I need .......
I crave .......
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