So much sadness
I struggle to keep a leach
I put a face up
I am a bad pretender
But most only see the anger
Few realise it is rooted in tear
People ask what i want
Most days im so busy fighting
A war that never ends
Im trying only to survive
I dont have the luxury of knowing what i want
In most cases i dont get it anyway
So why bother to want
Why make the effort
In the end i will be disappointed
I feel a deep desire to just leave
Leave and disappear
Not death
Just gone
No one can judge me
No one can find fault in me
No ons can dictate who i should be
No one to criticise me
This oasis does not exist
I know, silly girl
A clown for all to laugh at
The world is full of like minded people
We must find each other
We can create a sanctuary for us
We can love each other and heal through nurturing
I can dream
My dreams unrealistic is all that is mine
In a world were a round shape cannot exist
Lets run away
Only me myself and i
And of course my babies
Will anybody look
I wonder who will look
Will anybody wonder
Will they ever find me
All the questions over flow
If i gambled i would say, NO
No one will look, wonder or find me
I am here but already gone
No one even knows
No one sees through my bullshit
No one questions when i say im fine
No one
To me this equals my worth
I have made no differance being here
I am a waste
More reason to just disappear
Stop looking at your phone
I say to mysef, angry and irretated
Inside, my heart holds a flame of hope
Mind is wrong
Heart declares
Bold and sure
He loves me
He will call or message
He cares about me
I will hear his ringtone
My heart trying to convince my mind
But the truth is known by all
Mind spirit soul and body

Loved by so few
I do not recognise being loved anymore
All i feel is pain
Pain, anger, bitterness, sadness, shame
Shame to admit all the above
Only way to heal is to lay bare
During daily life
I wonder what you are doing
Are you happy or unhappy
If i buy you this, will you appreciate it
Would you like my taste in gift
Do you even want a gift from me
I show interest in your likes
I bend to accomodate you
I allow you my body
But .... but .....
In return ..... not enough
I crave romance and nurturing
From only you
This i have communicated
Many .... many ... many times
But not important to you
How you always say ," we have mature love"

In your heart of hearts
Am i?
Or are you comsumed by turning me into your only real love?
Fuelling my anxiety and low self esteem
Find myself negotiating with my inner
Life will not be so bad if i settle with you
It could be much ... much worse
Financially you can and will provide
This i know
But so can i
I have been doing it for a long while
I need .......
I crave .......
Sex and favours
Listening to your problems
Boosting your ego
The powerful sense of self
With my reassurance of missing you
My constant request for time
Even just chatting will do
But nothing comes back
I empty myself into you
Stupid silly me
Thinking you would reciprocate
Left empty
Unhappy
Frustrated
Angry
I think it is time to leave
People assume my facial expression is about them
Truth, it reveals my train of thought
Why dont i miss talking and connecting
I always appear emotional and needy
You make me feel shame
You guil trip me
Fear of rejection and loneliness as punishment
Silence me
I reshape my needs
I believe you truly love the idea of me
The real me, you cannot stand or tolerate
I ask to many why's
I am too complicated
I talk to much
I want too much
Your actions i have excused and sugar coated
Truth you dont like the real me
I dont know if you even gave me a chanse
How cruel a life
To be called intelligent and beautiful
But to be treated indifferant
Going home alone
Night after night
A crual reality
I eat my emotions
They taste like shame and guild
I am proud of my independence
Announcing it regularly
But i want .... crave.....need
Your acknowledgment
Without it im worthless
I have no value
This is the lies my mind poisons me with
How do i leave myself
Daily struggle for my sanity
But it is rooted in truth
I dont love myself
I lack nurturing
I dont feel accomplished
I feel wortless
I feel utterly alone
Im the girl with the loud voice and edgy jokes
I speak fluent sarcasm
I make others laugh
But i barely smile
When i do, it is short lived
I am not popular
I was the bullied loner
Not knowing were to fit
Not fitting in
To being rejected and bullied
The birth of the lone wolf
So you see why i am angry with myself
Why i daily fight me and myself
I need validation
It is stupid
This goes on and on and on
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