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L Feb 26
It wasnt on purpose.
I was in a rush.
I bled everywhere.
There was blood all over my work.
I was weak.
I was hurt.
It wont happen again.

Or at least they wont see it.
L Jan 23
youre such a bitter person. have you
always been this bitter or did I do
this to you? Im so sorry. And I cant
say it enough. And I say it way too
****** much. My heart misses yours.
I miss your smell. your touch. your
laugh. your goofy *** faces. I miss
you. I miss your everything. All of it.
The anger, the crazy, the delusion.

                                are everything to me.
L Jan 7
There is a lump in my throat that wont go down.

I was coughing on the bus i couldnt stop. I was scared that people were looking at or thinking about me weird.

"Am i dying?"

Nervous energy is coursing through me.
Maybe its cause this is the first time im alone with a mom that isnt my own.

Maybe i am scared about what will come next.

Maybe it will all be fine and when we are reunited, relief will flow and release throughout my body.

Maybe i shouldnt "text" in the car with her.
L Jan 6
This is too much. Things are calm. And i need chaos. I can breathe when your close.

And its almost suffocating.

**** its going to hurt to break your heart.

Ive fallen again. And i cant stop falling. Why do i keep getting up.

Why must i be so stubborn.

Am i stuck in my own way or do i know exactly what i need? And its just that noone else can see that?

Its almost as if i love the fall. Relish in the breaking of it all. Trust in the nothing...
I feel like ive been floating 'bove the rooms im in
L Jan 4
Am hurting and cold.

And thinking, "maybe i shouldnt share and check feelings for a while again."

Take a little break.
L Jan 4
Want to rip my hair out. And cry. And drink.

Whats even wrong.

Did He spur this?

Its been so long, i can bearly remember what it feels like.

Do i want to feel it again?
L Jan 3
Tonight i sat in the dark for a bit.
(A moment of silence if you will.)
Holding a taper candle, staring into its flame.

At first, for a bit, i was worried about candle wax dripping down and spilling over my hands and onto either my bedsheets or the carpet.
(Can hot candlewax start a fire?
Surely not.
And then i thought to myself,
"**** it."
If something happens ill catch it before it gets too bad. Ill feel the pain and it will remind me that i am alive.
That i am lucky.
That i can still feel things.

The candlewax did not spill or drip at all.
(Did you know they make candles like that??

Now, a bit disappointed, i thought,
"What a sediment"

I took the candle into my right hand.
Oh, so carefully,
I tilted the candle holding the flame over my right wrist.
One drop.
I flinched.

The pain stopped as soon as it came.

One for me.

I thought,

As i shifted the candle to my left hand,

"This is for you.
And all the pain you felt.
And that i didnt know about."

"This is my proof that i would have tried if i had known."

One for you.

I didnt even ******* know you very well.

We werent really even friends.

I dont know how to spell your name.

And still

Its too bad.

Its so sad.

Way too ******* sad.
Hi again, i am still alive, yes.
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