This is Not Glandular - Dan O’neil


I don’t use excuses. I never liked them.
The people who say “they were born this way”.
Husky….Stocky…. Big-*****…
Let me start by putting your minds at ease.
This is not glandular. So, i am not a fat man..  
I am a FAAATT man. And i am **** proud of it!
I am proud of this body.
I chose to be this size.
Chose a body as BOOMING as my voice ,
with the softness to counter my sharp tongued words.
Chose puppy cheeks,
so my grandma will always have something to pinch.
Chose hands that look like hot-dogs glued to a baseball,
because thats really funny to picture.
I chose to be a mountain of a man,
just incase any ladies were feeling adventurous
and wanted to hike to the summit.
Trust me, this is not glandular.

I chose this body because of the women,
because the ladies love the funny fat guy!
Because any girl who won't take me if i'm fat ,
is not anyone i'd want if i was thin.
Because I am 230 pounds of cuddling,
bearing down on you like a force of nature,
and there is NOO escape from my snuggling.
Because i am a teddy bear,
whose heart is on “E” and desperately awaits the next woman to refuel him

I chose this body because of the FOOD.
Because there are 6 meals in a day.
Breakfast,brunch,lunch,siesta, dinner ,and the taco bell drive thru.
And theyre ALL the most important meal of the day.
Because just like lonely , ***** ,and angry. We all get hungry.
Because my mom told me that some people show love by cooking.
So i got cookies instead of hugs, meatloaf instead of kisses.
And fried spaghetti sandwiches, replaced bedtime stories…
And i cleaned my plate every time because it was all i can do to say.
I love you too.
I mean i never knew my dad, and Rick.
Rick was never the hands-on step father.
Unless you consider the occasional slap on side the head.
So food became my surrogate fathers. Kernel Sanders and Chef Boyardee
Became my models for manhood.
Which explains my obsession for weird hats..

I chose this body because of 7th grade PE
Because if just one fat guy is confident when changing clothes
it makes others more confident, because dodge-ball is a ****** sport
so who cares if i get knocked out first? Running the mile is TORTURE!
But so are the jokes.. If the fat guy can't finish.

I chose this body,because other people not liking my body is not a good enough reason for me to change it.
So to the bullies, the lunch ladies , to the women who NEVER gave me a chance.
And the football coaches who berated me with insults. To the jerks and the jocks
And the doctor who joked when i stepped on his scale. To Rick and Kernel,
and ANYONE who ever used F A T as an insult. You can do what i did for the last 2 decades.
of my life doing. YOU CAN EAT IT.

Because i love pies,  i love hamburgers ,french fries ,and lobster, and deep fried twinkies
I love me some rice-a-roni and salisbury steak, microwaved burritos ,
cooler ranch doritos and ice-cream , the kind that you push that had Fred Flintstone on it.
I love cake. I love everything about who i am and the life i get to live
No. This ..is .. not ..glandular. Its just fat .
And for the first time in my life. Im proud of that.

Maybe it's true
Im a fool for you
I think about it everyday
But maybe there is a way
To go back
Change our path track
Will I ever forget?
I'm not sure yet.
Incase this doesn't last
I'll leave it in the past
losing my self over you was bad
but it's the best adventure I've ever had.

I've been practicing lucid dreaming for a while now, and I think I've almost got it down.

(If you didn't know, lucid dreaming is kind of like dreaming, but with the lights on. It's very cool.)

The way it works -- or at least, in the method I'm using -- is by first establishing a "totem." I use the jade elephant you gave me for my birthday three days before it happened.

What you do is you alter your totem in a unique way so that it really stands out to you, incase you ever come across it in your dreams; this way hopefully it will jump-shock your mind into consciousness, allowing you to take the wheel.

I wrote your initials on the back. DN.

And I know you'd probably be thinking "why would you ever waste time perfecting a skill that will never have any practical use?"

You always were the practical one. But hear me out.

When I dream, it is the only time I get to see you.

You know, you've been gone for almost a year this Tuesday, and this jade elephant is all I have left. This jade elephant, and your initials. This Jade elephant, and DN.

I miss you, man.

And I don't really know how comas work, but if you can hear me, just know that I've almost got it down.

Soon, it'll be just like the old days.
I promise.

I miss the touch of your skin,
I miss the way you looked at me,
It’s been months and the pain is unreal,
This deployment is tearing me apart,
I know that it will be worth it,
Seeing you in those spread out months,
It makes all of the tears,
pain,
and lonely days worth it,
I turn onto your side of the bed,
Where you should be but you aren’t,
Incase you don’t find what you’re looking for,
Incase you miss me,
Incase you are missing my love,
Incase you wanna come home,
I will be right here,
I see you in everything I do,
I can’t sleep because all I’m doing is missing you,
You were the light,
Now it all just seems so dark,
Terrified that you won’t come home,
Waiting for the uniforms to walk up to my door,
I need you to come home,
You’re out there protecting others,
You didn’t leave to fight what’s in front of you,
You left to protect what’s behind you,
Please come home,
Your family misses you,
But I get it you have a country to protect,
I will be waiting right here when you come back.

It’s kinda pointless
The purpose was clear as its intention
But still, it was kinda pointless
It was like when a kid lets go of his balloon.
The string slowly evaporates from his hand
As he covers his brow looking skyward to the horizon
He let go of his first lover because maybe that would make his wishes come true
Or maybe he let it go so a part of him could touch God.

It was kinda pointless.
Our on and off again two month relationship
Every two months or so I would create every insecurity that my poetic lips could fabricate
Twist and turn on my restless nights in one way street fashion
But those other every two months
Were magical
I could write a million poems about your body if only my hands weren’t too busy touching it
I would memorize the way your footsteps walked home incase I ever needed to find you
And every song on the radio was our love song
But for another two months I let you go officially
And I guess that was kinda pointless
*** now I pointlessly think aimlessly for why I did it
Maybe I just didn’t want to see you evaporate from my hands again
Or maybe it’s *** I thought if I let go of my first lover, my wishes would come true
Or maybe it’s because when I’m kissing you, I feel like I could touch God
And that just scared me

But when a kid lets go of a balloon,
He thinks he’s done with it, but he knows he’s never gonna get it back.
But God, damm it, I want it back.
I want a reason to smile and know I’m smiling for a reason
I want something to hold my wrist, to go on adventures with
Making love with you was never pointless, and no, I don’t regret it.
In fact, it was flawless.
And I’d be skipping for days, waiting to do it again
But the feeling was lost. We let it evaporate from our hands.
We let our emotions escalade and we lost it.
Sacrificed it to a summer’s day
Watched it float into one of God’s crevices
Letting go you, was like letting go of a balloon.
I’m forced to watch it drift away but I never, ever, really saw it pop.

When you let go of a balloon, it kisses the sky.
So I kissed you good-bye in hopes you will reach new heights.

I was trapped lured into lie by a clever evil mastermind .
Lost in a strange land locked away in a basement guarded by some twisted hamster on steroids known as a kangaroo.

Sure I had been tricked by evil means by the mastermind known as Helen hey look she told me there was a huge **** down in the basement with tons of strippers and ******* who wouldn't fall for that? Duh everyone knows you never let strippers in the good part of your house .

So here I was living in the basement like some sad nerd who probably posts on a web site everyday thinking they are totally awesome cause they have five hundred followers when in reality they'd be lucky if they had even one human friend in real life.

What ?
I was talking  about one of those star wars nerd sites cause everyone knows I'd never bash a site like Hello that is ruled by a evil cult leader who moved to the states after collecting money under guise to help the site when in reality it was for his *** change .

Yeah Id never pick on someone like that .
Frankly I'm hurt you'd think that  I'm kidding and as long as I'm breathing I will always be your favorite ruthless ******* slash ****** with a heart of gold.

I sat there in my new cell wondering just what the hell I was to do all the while kangaroo jack kept his beady little eyes locked onto me .
Yeah I knew he was sitting there mentally ******* me with his eyes I felt so naked course id probably feel better if I actually put some clothes on.
Duh who wears clothes at a **** *******?
Had I known this was all a lure I would have kept my clothes on and kept my trusty **** whistle and not got into this mess to begin with.

I was ready to scream for help when all the sudden I herd a sound .
Muffled as it was still I herd it the kangaroo hopped as it approached me oh dear lord man I was far to fragile to be assaulted by this weird *** overgrown rat .

The sound was so strange it sounded like the men at work song land from down under but where the **** was it coming from!
The Kangaroo was getting far to close it leaned over into my face and being a true man I did what any other true man would do.

Began to cry and beg this ****** up gerbil not to **** me.
Answer the ******* phone mate.
It said to me as I was stunned .

Hey ******* answer the ******* phone .
It said again  incase your to high or didn't read it the first time .
You ******* talk and what ******* phone I asked trying to hold back the tears let me tell you these animals were known killers they were like Canadians on crack with incredibly strong legs yeah imagine what nickel back could do with powers like these those heartless ******* would be unstoppable .


I was lost naked and afraid minus the camera crew and some ***** chick who smelled really bad and ******* at me for not having great hunting skills why not call that show what millions of people wearing clothes call it .
Marriage yeah now there's some scary ****!

Look **** for brains snap out of hit .
The kangaroo said as it kicked me upside the head .
Answer the ******* phone so we can get on with this story you *******.

I swear those kangaroos really had a mouth on them who knew such cute looking standing rabbit could be such a *******.

Okay so where the hells the phone and never kick me again you got it!?
I have no clue where your furry foots been.
Up your grandmas *** mate and where else would I keep my phone in my ******* pouch .

Look You can insult me how ever you like Gerbil but I'm not putting my hand in that pouch besides that is the oldest trick in the book you know how many times I fell for that with grandpa ?

What?

This steroid fed mouse asked as it looked at me like all other people and some who read this might think.
What the **** is wrong with me?

Yeah that's a whole other write in itself .

Answer the ******* phone in my pouch now *******!
Umm no .
Why not ?
Cause I don't want to .
Look you ***** if  I had long enough arms I would do it but I cant okay
you know how ****** up it is to have arms this short now you know why the T Rex was the most ******* dinosaur of them all .

Yeah I had to admit my new friend slash captor had a point imagine being a total badass that cant ******* boy that's some ****** up **** but enough with the foreplay hamsters.

After some back and fourth  debate I against great protest reached in this hopping *******'s pouch and found a cell phone .

Hello ?
Well Gonzo how you like your new digs mate?
I knew that voice anywhere .

Helen !

My friend turned evil super villain explained to me her evil plan to keep me hostage and force me to co write for eternity in this basement guarded twenty four seven by Ursula her trained evil kangaroo henchwoman .

It was clear all hope was lost how could I ever escape the clutches of such twisted evil?
Then it occurred to me I would simply bust the window in the basement and get the **** out of here .

I had to act fast cause it's almost happy hour at the bar kids and this hamster is thirsty.
  
Hey Ursula I really got to use the bathroom .
Well go ahead mate the toilets in the corner .

Yeah but you know I really like my privacy you know I mean I tell you those burritos are really talking back if you know what I mean but hey if you can stand the smell be my guest I mean sure the oder alone will strip the paint off the walls but I'm sure after you pass out from the fumes you will be fine.

Fine you stupid ******* just make it quick Ursula said as she bounced her grouchy *** upstairs .

It was my only shot and thank God they had left a trusty boomerang around so I could bust the window to make my escape its almost like it was planned that way being I'm writing the story.
No **** Sherlock!

I was free as a bird if a bird had a really bad drinking problem and twisted sense of humor and was totally naked .
I looked to the front gates but there was no way I could escape that way barbwire and flesh didn't mix that well besides without there draw bridge down the crocodiles would eat me alive yeah these Aussies were total freaks .

So like some naked ninja I made my way around Helens Compound of evil making my way upstairs I slipped into a room in hopes of finding just where my clothes had been taken to.

Hey help me .
I herd a mans voice say as I flipped  on the light to find a horrific scene a strange man chained to the wall no wonder this evil woman was such a prolific writer .

Hey mate help me please get me out of here .
I knew this woman was evil but after some deep discussion I learned this poor man trapped in this upstairs *** dungeon was secretly her husband  I know how weird who has there *** dungeon upstairs ?

I don't know what I'm going to do I'm never getting out of here Gonz .
I unchained my knew friend after he told me he knew how to find a way out of here and after finding my clothes and grabbing my trusty case of bourbon we put on some music caught a killer buzz and totally forgot  why we were trying to escape the clutches of evil to begin with.

The party was great we laughed we cried we watched some really freaky homemade movies once only made me love my knew Aussie brother more Shawn was ******* awesome a bit of a freak but ******* awesome.

The party was going full swing when the doors few open and there she was my evil long lost sister Helen and her demented *** evil henchwoman  slash house pet kangaroo Ursula who although a animal had some great legs I have to admit .


The gigs up Gonz it's off to the basement with you forever !
I looked at my new best friend thought about how sad he was when I found him and thought of the great times we could have roaming the wasteland looking for gasoline like in mad max just being totally drunk instead.

Yeah then Helen yelled in her outside voice inside and bout made me **** myself so I said **** this and left my brother behind and hauled ***  

I made it to the kitchen but was trapped by Helen and her evil **** minion .

Give it up Gonz  Helen said .
At that moment I grabbed a knife .

Oh cut the crap Gonz stop being silly what are you going to do with that ?

She thought she had me but I had one last trick up my sleeve .

I opened the fridge and grabbed her trusty box of wine
You ******* don't you dare hurt my baby!

Yeah you want this back I said as walked forward and out of the kitchen towards the veranda .

You get back Helen or I swear the box of wine gets it.

Oh  yeah you stab that box then I will drop this fifth of your bourbon over the rail Helen said with that devilish look in her eyes.

You heartless ***** !
She dropped the bottle I swear it cried daddy as it fell to the ground shattering to a million pieces on the concreate beside the pool wow I had to admit she really had a nice place.

I mean sure she was twisted evil heartless had a awesome husband she kept in a upstairs *** dungeon but enough about Helens  good quality's  .

I looked as my pour bottle lay shattered upon the floor  .
I laughed you know that wasn't my only bottle .

I know that mate then reached to Ursula grabbing yet another bottle from her pouch dam you Australia why must you have so many ****** up animals in one place its like a zoo on crack.

Helen went to drop yet another bottle over the rail when I cracked.
Okay enough!
I will put your box of wine down just don't hurt the bottle okay .

Deal mate Helen replied .

We both slowly put are true passions in life down .
I'm glad you could see things my way Gonz now time for you to get writing .

Yeah Helen I don't think so I said pulling the trusty boomerang from a location I rather not disclose hey I been to prison before you be surprised the stuff people smuggle in.
Dam that hurt.!


I threw the boomerang with all my might this was my one truly  last chance at getting out of here.
But like some Aussie ninja Helen just ducked the thing  as  it flew past her head went flying around the house and turned direction coming straight towards me hitting me in the skull.

As I fell to my death music played as I took that long dramatic one story fall .
I hit the pavement like Lindsey Lohans career.

I laid there broken my new best friend speaking to me no gonz don't leave me we could have are own spinoff if only you didn't die .
Shawn my brother I will never forget you but I have just one last thing to say to you are you listening .

Yes mate I am.

And at that moment of dire sadness I ripped the biggest **** .
Shawn busted up laughing as above Helen looked at Ursula
Men are so ******* disgusting .

And later as they all sat looking down upon me from the veranda Helen furious at her man slaves betrayal told her partner in crime slash killer kangaroo .

Ursula go fetch the battery out of the car and the ****** clamps someone is going to be punished .
Shawn's face lit up with joy yay he exclaimed .
Helen shoot him a look .

I mean oh no such horror please don't torture me mistress   .
But hey don't judge them there not freaks there Australian.

Ursula shook her head as she made her way to fetch the car battery .
Jesus Christ why couldn't I have been Mel Gibson's pet.

Helen looked down one last time at her dead brothers body .
But to her surprise he was   gone .
The dramatic Halloween music played as Shawn looked to his evil temptress slash wife .

Mistress was that the boogeyman?

She slapped the **** outta him **** no its just that lovable perverted misspelling ***** across the water everyone calls Gonzo.

She shook her head and laughed to herself .
We will meet again my friend .


Until next time kids or Helen finds and actually kills
me stay crazy.

Gonz

Unhappy with eternity
Sleeping in my black veil
My dark eyes match this life-
One big dark room
I watch the cows eat cellulose
With my skeleton key stomach
I want to eat the grass as well
Feed on something I can’t have
I’ll drink blood instead
And do the cha-cha in my wedding dress
While I float above the staircase

You told me you loved me,
You lied to my face.
You stole my heart,
And put it in a case.

You locked it away,
So far away.
You own it, you stole it,
It can't run away.

You told me you loved me,,
You lied to my face.
You closed my mouth,
Just incase.

You told me not to tell anyone,
You made me promise.
You made me quiet,
I still broke that promise.

You told me you loved me,
You lied to my face.
You stole my mind,
and entrapped it away.

You bruised me,
You hurt me.
This isn't the way.
Why did you have to
Do it anyway?

You told me you loved me,
You lied to them.
You put on a smile,
And a façade.
They believed you,
And threw my words away.

You told me you loved me,
You still lied to the rest.
I knew you were lying,
This wasn't what was best.

You lied, you pried,
You said you wouldn't do it again.
I cried, and cried,
You still inflicted the pain.

You told me you loved me,
You lied to yourself.
You said you were sorry,
But that couldn't help.

Stop, oh stop,
You did it, nonstop.
You hit, you bit,
I just wasn't enough.

You told me you loved me,
You lied, oh you ******* lied!
You could never love,
With your demons inside.

There was once a girl named Caroline. Caroline was very lonely, as she did not have a family, or any friends. Caroline read a lot, which made her feel less lonely, but books couldn't love her back.

One day, Caroline decided she would make friends. She went to school and tried to talk to everyone one who walked by her, but nobody talked to her. She raised her hand, but the teacher wouldn't call on her. She sat alone at lunch, but she was still happy there were tater tots.

When Caroline got home, she went to take a bath, as she was very *****. Before she could turn on the water, a small voice called up to her. "Please don't turn the water on," the voice said, "The water will wash me down the drain!" Caroline thought for a second, and then decided to get a closer look.

When Caroline got closer, she noticed a spider in her bathtub. The spider didn't look scary, like her teachers had always told her they were. This spider looked small and scared. She decided to pick up the spider, rather than wash it down the drain. The small spider began to talk to Caroline very fast.

"Hello, my name is Ivy. Thank you for saving me. I know you must be very scared, but I am not a bad spider. There are some very scary spiders out there, but you don't have to be scared of me." Caroline looked at the spider curiously, and asked why a spider would live in the bathtub. "Well, nobody usually bothers me here. You're the first person to talk to me". Because Caroline didn't have any friends, and because she wanted to help the spider, she asked if Ivy would like to be her friend, and live somewhere with less water. "That would be lovely!" cried Ivy.

Every day, Caroline would come home from school and talk to Ivy and read to her. Caroline came to love Ivy very much, as Ivy always made her smile and laugh, or help her with her homework.

One day, Caroline came home and Ivy wasn't in her normal spot. Caroline went searching for her, but could not find her. Soon, she decided to take a bath. Caroline turned on the water, and then heard a much louder voice than she heard the day she met Ivy. As she looked down she spotted Ivy, avoiding the water.

"How dare you, Caroline! You almost drown me! You should've known I was in the shower!" Caroline was confused. "I'm sorry! I looked for you, but I couldn’t find you, so I came to take a bath. I didn't know you were in the shower!" To that, Ivy responded, "Well, I guess I forgive you, but make sure that you don't do it again."

As weeks went by, Caroline noticed Ivy listened to her stories most of the time, but some days she only pretended to listen. Caroline Blamed herself, because she almost drowned Ivy. Caroline kept reading and telling Ivy about her day, even when she was only pretending to listen.

A few weeks later, Caroline came home to find Ivy missing again. She searched all over for her, even the bathroom where she found her last time, but Ivy was nowhere to be found. Caroline knew it was time for her bath, so she went to the other bathroom, just incase Ivy was in the first bathroom.

When Caroline turned on the water, it ran for a few minutes before she heard a long yell. It was Ivy. She tried to apologize, but Ivy just kept yelling. Caroline turned off the water and tried to pick Ivy up to help her, but Ivy bit Caroline, so Caroline threw her down in pain. "Ow!" said Caroline "You bit me! I didn't mean to hurt you! I didn’t know you were there. I'm sorry. I just wish you would stop sitting in the bathtub…"

With this, Ivy only became more angry. "I was in the bathroom first! Nobody bothered me in here until you came along! This is my space, but you keep ruining it by turning on the water!" Caroline didn't know what to do, so she just started to cry. "I'm sorry Ivy. I just wish you wouldn't sit in the bathtub, because the water may wash you away one day, and I would be very sad to lose you. I love you a lot, Ivy. I'm just scared you might get hurt."

Ivy grumbled and told Caroline to leave her alone, because she didn't want a friend who hurt her like Caroline did. Caroline became very sad, but the spot where Ivy bit her began to hurt a lot, so she had to find somebody to help her.

The next day at school, she showed her teachers where Ivy had bitten her, and they tried to help her, but they only put burn cream on her and told her to wash Ivy down the drain. Caroline loved Ivy, and she did not want her to be washed away, she just wanted her to stop sitting where the water could hurt her. The burn cream didn't help.

After a very long time, Ivy crawled into Caroline's room and told Caroline she was sorry. The spot where Ivy had bit Caroline hurt a lot now, but the teachers would only give her something that didn't help, and hand her a bucket of water. Caroline felt bad for Ivy, so she let her come back into her room.

For the next few days, all was well. But after a week, Ivy was missing again. Caroline found her in the bathroom, so she tried to pick her up, but Ivy just bit Caroline in the same spot again. Caroline threw Ivy down and ran to her bedroom, followed by Ivy's angry voice.

Once again, Caroline told her teachers about Ivy and how she had bitten her in the same spot as last time. The teachers told Caroline they couldn't do anything more than they already had, and they ran out of water. Caroline went home with a very big spider bite, and an even bigger frown on her face.

Caroline was very confused now, because while she loved Ivy very very much, Ivy seemed to only love hurting Caroline. Caroline didn't want to lose Ivy, because Ivy was her first and only friend, but the teachers kept telling her she needed to see a doctor about the spider bite, and she needed to find her own water to wash Ivy away.

Caroline could not go to the doctor right now, because Ivy assured her she was not poisonous, and that she was only imagining the bite being as bad as it was. Caroline tried to stay away from Ivy, but Ivy kept coming into her room and then getting angry and leaving again, but that hurt Caroline too.

After several weeks, Caroline's bite hurt more than it ever had, so she went to the doctor. The doctor told her that it was in fact a spider bite (even though Caroline already knew this), but that only time could heal it.

Caroline went home very sad that day. When she got home, Caroline decided to pack up all of her books and get a bath, no matter if Ivy was in there or not, because Caroline was very *****.

When Caroline turned on the water, Ivy began to yell very loud. Caroline didn't hear her this time though, because she was leaving in an hour and she had to get a bath, and nothing but that mattered. Ivy flowed down the drain with the rest of the ***** water, and Caroline was once again clean.

An hour later, Caroline got onto the bus with her books and smiled, because she was clean again.

Epilogue

A few years later, Caroline looked down at the small scar on her hand where she had been bitten a few years ago. It still hurt every so often, but she knew this was a different kind of pain. The bright lights of the city gleamed down on Caroline and she smiled, because no spider was too big for her in a big city.

You ask me why I love you
as if it were a choice
as if I consciously decided to enter into this
I had never entertained this scenario
I don’t remember it

There was never a yes or no moment
Only unremitting moments of resounding yeses
It was never a questions of now or later
It was always both and indefinitely

Her life can’t be denied
First to vent then try to understand then accept death of innocence first seething anger only more enflamed by people trying to
Politicize and lessen the loss of innocent American lives especially little one, long before face book there was basebook evil’s network
This country has rings of evil a year after the bombing in Oklahoma I flew back here and then drove a car back home I stopped and
Videoed the bomb site and then many miles later and much video of this great country I pulled up behind a pickup in Kingman Arizona
Still videoing I was surprised and angered when he had a bumper sticker up on his back window over from his lariat and high powered
Rifle that said something to the effect you haven’t got all of the explosives this wasn’t the only comment there were other signs of a
Gun culture what made it so offensive was it was well known McVeigh and Terry Moore had used Kingman as a base of operations
Arguably this was just a bunch of jerks not real disturbed people like the one in Tucson I understand because while running production
In a chemical plant we had a big government contract which involved a lot of piecemeal work we hired in thirty temps and one was a
Carbon copy of the shooter in Tucson we already had two deadly chemicals everyone knows cyanide but phenol is liquid poison it has
A couple of tricks it freezes at eighty degrees and it absorbs through the skin and when it gets to the blood your dead one guy
Unloading a tanker the line froze he breaks the hose but when he does the chunk of ice flows out hitting him with a load he was dead
before he hit the ground I got a face full of it deluded to fifteen percent when the electric pump transferring to another drum caused the
Plastic hose to jump out the force of the pump shot the deluded phenol against the rim across from me I saw it coming all I could do
Was close my eyes as tight as I could get them instantly ten thousand bees were stinging my face I staggered around until one of the
Guys led me to the emergency shower that was there for this very reason I was taken to the hospital my wife walked in and stated
Crying my brother in law said I looked like Anthony Quinn in the film requiem for a prize fighter they told me as they continued to
Steadily bathe my face with water if the phenol got to the blood there was nothing they could do I survived but then one of the temps
Named randy was a skin head so now we had three deadly poisons it was the hardest thing to interact even simple conservation was
Really impossible like the scene with two polar bears it followed their lives from cubs to three years old and they were being shipped
To another zoo how cute but something triggered the one he became pure bear instant raw aggression at a level that was unnerving
Even from watching it from Television it was like it was crazed just like Randy in an instant he was back in his room with his swastikas
Barely coherent and defiantly not cogent being around him was like getting high on some of our bad fumes I’m interested in helping
People the most powerful drugs couldn’t get you in line with his thinking delusional twisted into a knot of hate and violence he had a
Another thing he liked to brag and had a habit of drinking weird stuff he poured our H B Fuller industrial strength glue into a Pepsi can
And drank it we never seen him again although we watched with keen interest all the entry points to the building for the next two
Weeks incase Randy was paying us a visit with his AK forty seven rifle that is the only reason I have any concern for the shooter in
Arizona again all the warning signs were evident he is disturbed others must protect him plus others he would harm but they still
Wait until yet again as a nation we bleed with profound sorrow from innocence lost.
Madness slays a princess, love of country brought her to the place it would be so harshly violated
In her face America shines with what it should be perfected in innocence raised with all the colors of our vibrancy as a nation then the
Dark foreboding it steals light and life at only nine but she was far ahead of that measurement of earthen time she was endowed with
Power that lives in highest possibilities that are only possible in true unaffected innocence her country was the true country not this
Unrecognizable one that every manner of evil is allowed to flourish and then when openly shown its true depths of departure from
Its true excellence we fail to take the reigns as men and women of character we let drugs alcohol and *** rule without raising the least
Bit of a challenge our enemies spit and scoff at our claims of being a moral ceat for the rest of the world we seek only rewards never
Stopping to be sacrificial givers I know our troops and there are a select few that are this noble but the scale is tipped in evils favor
We are weighed divine justice and peace withdraws behind our ways that are filled with greed and failure at every turn measures taken
From our history shows such gaps of even the smallest vestures of righteous endeavor is tossed as backward living out of tune with the
Times Tucson is the product of the new standard of thought that guides us as a people you can’t wallow in filth and then go out to
Be a force and an advocacy for truth you are breaking down all moral restraints and wonder why we are in a flood of insanity you sow
To the wind then you reap a whirlwind each step each day distances us from divine defenses we invite only trouble as long as we
Pursue the course we are on all who is weak in our nation bare the blunt of this misguided thinking the world has never been this
Close to the brink it’s beyond human control that which is to be played out get in line or see more innocence perish right before our
Eyes this tide can be turned but it takes us all not a grand few that are ignored and steam rolled as a new advantage is gobbled up
For a short temporary season our founding fathers talked of posterity we talk of prosperity and everyone else be dammed.

Everyone has to have a cell phone incase they get attacked by a bear or a street gang today. You know what we did in my day, if we got attacked. We died! That's what we did. We didn't need no stinkin cell phone.

I hold on to you like a lost lover
So fearful to part with my only solace
Just incase
I need a hand to hold
A shoulder to cry on
I hold on to your captive embrace
Just incase
I'm to weak to break free
Just incase

She saw him
My mother saw him her abuser
Eye to eye they stared at each other
For him to laugh and look down in embarrassment
For her to leave all shaken up
Now her kids are too terrified to leave home
Incase they see him...

when the sun shines,my mind finds, inspiration as I look upon a nation with untapped potential and a need for influential ****** such as myself.
I do not brag or boast, I am just a sand peckle laying in the coast, but I refuse to be tossed and bossed around by the waves of social expectations and wicked ways of a nation just so one day I can hope to be found.
the tongue is powerful so I watch what I say, I believe in self motivation just incase friends slowly start pushing away, I believe in being morally upright and refusing discrimination upon Gods creations, communications without conflicts having good public relations.
I would not go so far as to call myself a king for motivation,
I would only say that I am a man that brings comfortation,
don't cling to observations,
just sing and make proclamations,
that people aren't actually free. I mean they are but don't act like it, matter of fact they don't like it when you tell them they are stuck to routines.
people are so busy trying to make a living but forget to make a life for themselves.
my mind is an attic, filled with the old and the New coz it's dynamic, I am also an addict, to a tragic free life.
so when you say life's a ***** just know your the snitch that let life dig a ditch and placed you in it, now stop for a minute and think about it and try admit it, most of us don't get in it, we were just born in it. we woke up to walls around us, limitations.life is for the living, get out there and breathe in the fresh air, believe in something but beware, have good desires, coz if not you end up in the ditch this time burning with fire.

find the matches,
lite the candle,
meditate,
nothing,

turned the lights off,
tried again,
nothing,
closed my eyes,
tried again,
nothing,

Grab the candle,
hold it in both hands because Fire safety 101,
double check to make sure your water bottle is close by
(incase you can't handle the heat),*
be a boss and hold the flame with one hand,
now play with rubber bands, *
meditate  again,
nothing,

look to check if your water bottle is still there,
slide rubber band around the center,
Drink,
Try again for the heck of it,
Focus on the ******* flame,
nothing happens again,

breath in,
now breath out,

**** It,
you blew the candle out,
now your darkness fills the room,
**but u breath,
and u meditate,
and nothing is something,
and things work,
and u feel as if u lit the candle again,

I'm not one for boys who whisper sweet nothings into my ear & pass another girl & do the same thing,
I'm not a package
You can't ship me away when you get tired of me

A dreary morning ensemble
Of broken instruments.
Curtains spread, so do my eyes,
To the light that ensues.

Glinting light off the tangled marionette
And The already sprung jack in the box.
The room illuminated slowly;
I conduct a silent orchestra, to my twisted audience.

The cymbals crash not
The lute strings yield no twang.
As for the birds outside
Has that chorus ever sang?
The accordion doesn't breathe,
So I stop as well.
Before long I must leave,
I bow to the audience; farewell.

I leave the doormat at the front door,
And the musicians I don't own.
Down the stairs
Past the mailbox
I leave my home.

In my walks I dream of you
Sharing my path.

I think of the curves of your neck,
The creases of your eyes,
And hands.
The weight of you,
As I lay face down,
And You rest on my back.
The silence between us at times,
That I don't ever seem to mind.
But just incase, you reach for my hand,
Just incase silence feels unkind.
I think of your laugh,
At my awkward jokes.
Mostly;
I think of your smile.

I reach the school
Still lost with you.

"Hey" they all say.
And conversation flows.
I listen, comment, even join in,
Of my dreams,they do not know.
The pensive mood of my journey lingers,
A fifteen minute walk feels years ago.

I think of the instruments left alone,
The time I once spent with them
(Not so long ago.)

I laugh at a joke,
Oh he's a funny friend!
And then someone speaks your name.

The light passes over my face
Like open curtains,
Across the drums.

I want to see rainbows and butterflies
Every time I close my eyes
And reserve the right to be mesmerised,
By the pure delight that awaits me every night;
Waking up in the morning
Ready to put the world to rights.
No more fights or frights.
I want to feel alive.

I want to be happy again.

I want to laugh uncontrollably,
So much that my belly hurts, my face aches
And my body bursts;
Into a thousand little funny bones,
Watch, as the fragile and delicate things,
Carefully piece themselves together and
Turn into big beautiful wings,
Making it easier to see where my sadness ends and happiness begins.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be the one that my friends can depend upon,
Not the one who upon a friend needs to depend,
Incase I break;
Break down into a million little pieces,
Glass rainbow dreams shattered and crumble
As I fall to my knees,
Desperate to breath.
Please; I need to believe.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be the surprise
That hits you right between the eyes
As I walk into a room, because you confuse
My smile with the sunrise,
Spreading its rays like the scent of perfume
And all of a sudden there's no more
Doom or gloom left to consume.
Eyes only on you, I'm reminded right now I have nothing to prove.

I want to be happy again.

I want my heart to beat so fast,
That it beats out my chest
And dances around like only it knows best.
The best way to compensate
For the heart ache that won't go away.
I want my heart to dance my troubles away,
As I watch it with a smile on my face,
Knowing eventually everything will turn out ok.

I want to be happy again.

I want to dance in the pouring rain,
No longer feeling the pain
That each little splash brings to my face;
Clouds the shape of tear ducts,
Pin ****** falling, piercing my skin
As the poisoning begins,
Tainting my thoughts with memories and eventualities.
Too many realities are taking toll on my sanity.

I want to be happy again...

I want you to build me a staircase
Out of rubber bands, hold out your hands,
And carefully lead the way to the forgotten lands;
Where you'll remind me no matter how often rainbows fall from the sky,
You will always be there - my sunrise,
Wiping away rain drops as they escape from the clouds in my eyes,
Helping me to replace each and every rainbow that falls from my sight.

I want to be happy again.

I need to be happy again.



I will be happy again.



© Karen L Hamilton, 2013

I'm all black and white inside,
       monotanous from left to right.
You have stolen the color right out of me.

The blank walls of my mind surround a black chair, grey end tables, white carpet stained with your ***** dark footprints;
       all that's left of your presence.

So I try to decorate with things you love,


       just in case you show up.

Autistically
speaking
I applaud
your intelligence!

flap flap
clap clap

when you
don't think
before
you think

flap flap
clap clap

or open your
*******
******* mouth!

and disparage
and belittle
those with

a learning
disability.

But then maybe
It's you who is
disabled
as you don't
seem able to
distinguish
between what
is right and wrong
what is cruel and kind

flap flap
clap clap

in your ignorance
you are blind
and your
intellectual mind
is a snob
of the worse kind

Looking down
from your high brow
because you
are so clever

I forget
Let's all applaud
and you can remark
(Out of context of course)
that they're all ******* retards

flap flap
clap clap

Well aren't you hard!
You bully when
you say

the dimwits
and the morons,
unloveable,
undateable,
unwanted,
a drain of society
they should all be
put down.

Not somebody
you would choose
to be friends with
or if you did
it would be so you
take advantage of
an idiots good nature
and pure heart!

flap flap
clap clap

Or so you
could look good
in comparison
to them
and maybe it
would knock your
own IQ up
a number or two!

Your average ******
could teach you a
thing about numbers
if you asked them

And you wouldn't want
your own kids
playing
with them
incase they catch it....

Catch what?....
the ability to be
awesome
to think outside
the box
to see feel and
understand
and experience
the world and
people in a
completely
unheard of way.
To smell colours
and taste words,
and your inability
to deviate from
anything other
than your narrow
little mind
really is absurd!

So let's all clap
and flap flap
flap flap flap
and maybe
shriek a bit too!

They are the true
freethinkers
the true misfits
the pure and
the truly blessed

They are
the ones
the people
who are
"different"
"Individual"
as you
would like
to be

flap flap
clap clap
You ignorant ****!

Autistically speaking

Who's the ****** now?



©Jacqui Slade

Nerves suspended on pins.
****** sizzling and crackling up my spine
Along my neck and dancing across shoulders,
Soft peaks strain against cruel frabric hardening to attention;
Warm sweet bulbs of delight flood with aching
sweet trickles of warmth seep out laying a bed of welcome
Thighs echo inviting sentiments laxing open
Hips slide up sensously,
The request resoundingly clear.
Passion's fever lit,
Fed and readied by the slow burn,

And you havent even touched me yet.

i am still learning to forgive you
though most importantly

i am learning to forgive


myself

My voice echoes with longing
Lost, searching for protection
I wear my raincoat most days
just incase the sky decides to open
and I am left below, out in the rain
searching for shelter in all the
wrong doorways

Lonely nights, lonely nights I’m sick and tired of em
A broken soul left alone just to wallow in
I need someone to rescue me from this painful life
Someone I can depend on anytime, day and night
I used to walk the streets and see all of the happy people
Should I be in pain or just down right lonely? The lesser of two evils
The heartache I’ve felt in my life taught me to never trust another soul
Until I see her walking, she’s so beautiful
Usually I just let em walk right on by
Is it cause I’ve got nothing to give or cause I’m stupid shy?
In my mind I knew if I let her go then someone else might not let her go
I’ve got some words for her, this is what I let her know


(Chorus)
No I don’t know your name
I think ill just call you Ms. Beautiful
Thanks for saving me from the usual
I think ill just call you Ms. Beautiful
I think ill just call you Ms. Beautiful

Yea verse two; verse two is about the happy times
No more late night pity sessions, always crying
Now that I found you, you the best thing I’ve ever had
I promise ill do whatever it takes to make you happy, never mad
And I tell you that you perfect even thought you tell me that you not
And everyday ill make you feel beautiful just incase you forgot
Million lotto, feelin like I hit the jackpot
If love was the sport then baby you can be my mascot
******* the outside but baby you hit me in my soft spot
Told my friends to ahead and leave me behind, just me and my girl tonight
Now I don’t feel left behind, I’m feeling just right
She told me “never let me go, hold tight”
I told her we’d always be together like the moon in the night

I wish I were permanently drunk and I wish I didn't wish that.
I wish I were permanently hair flying mouth smiling loud talking proud walking drunk
in the middle of the day
replace the need to say
I'm sorry I mean thank you I mean please don't hate me I mean you can hate me but tell me if you hate me don't pretend to be my friend and
I wish I were permanently drunk without the drink
without the sharp taste that hits the back of my throat like the anxiety which comes with showing that I care
without the down it if you dare
without the fall without the crawl without the fumbling in stalls
I think you might have gotten the idea by now but just incase I'll tell you anyway
when I say
I wish I were permanently drunk
I mean
I wish I were permanently in love with myself.
I wish I were hands on hips and mouth on lips and a full chest and my absolute best
and
I wish I could move down a corridor without wincing
wish I could speak without convincing
myself and you and her and him and them
to stay.
I wish I were okay.
what did I just say?
I'm fine.
Ok but this poem was not supposed to rhyme.
I wish I were permanently drunk
or
rather
I wish I saw myself the way I stare at forests of green
I wish I could make myself beam
rather it is
the ******* the bus with the really pretty eyes
and
the poets with their words and their desperate tiny cries
and
I wish I looked at myself and saw sunflowers blooming from the broken parts of my chest
and
I wish I would just stop for a moment and rest
and
I wish I were permanently drunk
in the middle of the day
on nothing but self love and self esteem and self self self
scream it like I'm standing on the edge of a pier for the whole world to hear
I wish I could stop apologising for my existence
well, you know, the universe would shout back,
you'll get there.
It might just take a little persistence.