Be careful all you free-versin’ poetic hook-up artists and practitioners of unprotected textual *******. There are pernicious poetic maladies out there online. Casual cruising of ****** sites might infect your soul with bad verse. The wages of sin is death; but I would spare you AND your muse any viral regrets.
Random coupling with unstructured lines you just picked up at some postmodern poetry site is NOT a healthy lifestyle in the long run. Go ahead–-call me a Victorian *****. Make fun of meter and rhyme schemes. Hoot at message-oriented versification. Throw inchoate drivel in my face… but when you come down with a compromised semantic system or an embarrassing case of nihilistic verborrhea, don’t come crying to me.
We were caught up in the moment I was hot and heavy, his guns were loaded He didn't know me from a can of paint But, sorry, it was too late cause He had already hopped up on it It was crazy cause , he didn't even know my name Such slight details wasn't needed We were already boning. And what's strange is that He didn't even reach for the ****** That I was tryna push up on him He was like "nah babe, we straight" Didn't hesitate to start stroking
And me, I'm just as bad as him I know I don't know him But he's ready and im ready And god ******, I was soaking He embrace and caressed me And I proceeded to bust it open
But, there's something I was holding I guess you can call it a secret It wasn't like he gave me a chance to tell him about it He was moving so fast, he practically begged me to keep it It aint my fault he was more concern With what's underneath my Victoria Secret Than for him to know what he was getting from it He should be more careful with whom he sleeps with
And I heard he had a girl.... Well, he should be more careful with whom he creeps with Cause you can get burned in more ways than one When you 'pop up' in 'em sheets quick
That's the same thing that happened to me And on my first time, Can you believe it?? I didn't kno what man had 'IT' I was too busy focused on " Darm, that man is fine!" Hence the saying " looks can be deceiving "
The same thing that happen to you When you focus on me ***, breast and thighs You now gotta learn to look at life with a different set of eyes Well, now you have my secret package To take to your girlfriend To share for the rest of your lives SURPRISE!
Muriel, it’s been forty-four years and I still think about you everyday. I met you in the rain on the last day of 1972, the same day I resolved to **** myself. You were the **** store employee wearing a chartreuse shirt. I was, of course, the naked thirty-something with a few good teeth, unafflicted by any social diseases. You told me I had great veins.
I was trapped lured into lie by a clever evil mastermind . Lost in a strange land locked away in a basement guarded by some twisted hamster on steroids known as a kangaroo.
Sure I had been tricked by evil means by the mastermind known as Helen hey look she told me there was a huge **** down in the basement with tons of strippers and ******* who wouldn't fall for that? Duh everyone knows you never let strippers in the good part of your house .
So here I was living in the basement like some sad nerd who probably posts on a web site everyday thinking they are totally awesome cause they have five hundred followers when in reality they'd be lucky if they had even one human friend in real life.
What ? I was talking about one of those star wars nerd sites cause everyone knows I'd never bash a site like Hello that is ruled by a evil cult leader who moved to the states after collecting money under guise to help the site when in reality it was for his *** change .
Yeah Id never pick on someone like that . Frankly I'm hurt you'd think that I'm kidding and as long as I'm breathing I will always be your favorite ruthless ******* slash ****** with a heart of gold.
I sat there in my new cell wondering just what the hell I was to do all the while kangaroo jack kept his beady little eyes locked onto me . Yeah I knew he was sitting there mentally ******* me with his eyes I felt so naked course id probably feel better if I actually put some clothes on. Duh who wears clothes at a **** *******? Had I known this was all a lure I would have kept my clothes on and kept my trusty **** whistle and not got into this mess to begin with.
I was ready to scream for help when all the sudden I herd a sound . Muffled as it was still I herd it the kangaroo hopped as it approached me oh dear lord man I was far to fragile to be assaulted by this weird *** overgrown rat .
The sound was so strange it sounded like the men at work song land from down under but where the **** was it coming from! The Kangaroo was getting far to close it leaned over into my face and being a true man I did what any other true man would do.
Began to cry and beg this ****** up gerbil not to **** me. Answer the ******* phone mate. It said to me as I was stunned .
Hey ******* answer the ******* phone . It said again incase your to high or didn't read it the first time . You ******* talk and what ******* phone I asked trying to hold back the tears let me tell you these animals were known killers they were like Canadians on crack with incredibly strong legs yeah imagine what nickel back could do with powers like these those heartless ******* would be unstoppable .
I was lost naked and afraid minus the camera crew and some ***** chick who smelled really bad and ******* at me for not having great hunting skills why not call that show what millions of people wearing clothes call it . Marriage yeah now there's some scary ****!
Look **** for brains snap out of hit . The kangaroo said as it kicked me upside the head . Answer the ******* phone so we can get on with this story you *******.
I swear those kangaroos really had a mouth on them who knew such cute looking standing rabbit could be such a *******.
Okay so where the hells the phone and never kick me again you got it!? I have no clue where your furry foots been. Up your grandmas *** mate and where else would I keep my phone in my ******* pouch .
Look You can insult me how ever you like Gerbil but I'm not putting my hand in that pouch besides that is the oldest trick in the book you know how many times I fell for that with grandpa ?
This steroid fed mouse asked as it looked at me like all other people and some who read this might think. What the **** is wrong with me?
Yeah that's a whole other write in itself .
Answer the ******* phone in my pouch now *******! Umm no . Why not ? Cause I don't want to . Look you ***** if I had long enough arms I would do it but I cant okay you know how ****** up it is to have arms this short now you know why the T Rex was the most ******* dinosaur of them all .
Yeah I had to admit my new friend slash captor had a point imagine being a total badass that cant ******* boy that's some ****** up **** but enough with the foreplay hamsters.
After some back and fourth debate I against great protest reached in this hopping *******'s pouch and found a cell phone .
Hello ? Well Gonzo how you like your new digs mate? I knew that voice anywhere .
My friend turned evil super villain explained to me her evil plan to keep me hostage and force me to co write for eternity in this basement guarded twenty four seven by Ursula her trained evil kangaroo henchwoman .
It was clear all hope was lost how could I ever escape the clutches of such twisted evil? Then it occurred to me I would simply bust the window in the basement and get the **** out of here .
I had to act fast cause it's almost happy hour at the bar kids and this hamster is thirsty.
Hey Ursula I really got to use the bathroom . Well go ahead mate the toilets in the corner .
Yeah but you know I really like my privacy you know I mean I tell you those burritos are really talking back if you know what I mean but hey if you can stand the smell be my guest I mean sure the oder alone will strip the paint off the walls but I'm sure after you pass out from the fumes you will be fine.
Fine you stupid ******* just make it quick Ursula said as she bounced her grouchy *** upstairs .
It was my only shot and thank God they had left a trusty boomerang around so I could bust the window to make my escape its almost like it was planned that way being I'm writing the story. No **** Sherlock!
I was free as a bird if a bird had a really bad drinking problem and twisted sense of humor and was totally naked . I looked to the front gates but there was no way I could escape that way barbwire and flesh didn't mix that well besides without there draw bridge down the crocodiles would eat me alive yeah these Aussies were total freaks .
So like some naked ninja I made my way around Helens Compound of evil making my way upstairs I slipped into a room in hopes of finding just where my clothes had been taken to.
Hey help me . I herd a mans voice say as I flipped on the light to find a horrific scene a strange man chained to the wall no wonder this evil woman was such a prolific writer .
Hey mate help me please get me out of here . I knew this woman was evil but after some deep discussion I learned this poor man trapped in this upstairs *** dungeon was secretly her husband I know how weird who has there *** dungeon upstairs ?
I don't know what I'm going to do I'm never getting out of here Gonz . I unchained my knew friend after he told me he knew how to find a way out of here and after finding my clothes and grabbing my trusty case of bourbon we put on some music caught a killer buzz and totally forgot why we were trying to escape the clutches of evil to begin with.
The party was great we laughed we cried we watched some really freaky homemade movies once only made me love my knew Aussie brother more Shawn was ******* awesome a bit of a freak but ******* awesome.
The party was going full swing when the doors few open and there she was my evil long lost sister Helen and her demented *** evil henchwoman slash house pet kangaroo Ursula who although a animal had some great legs I have to admit .
The gigs up Gonz it's off to the basement with you forever ! I looked at my new best friend thought about how sad he was when I found him and thought of the great times we could have roaming the wasteland looking for gasoline like in mad max just being totally drunk instead.
Yeah then Helen yelled in her outside voice inside and bout made me **** myself so I said **** this and left my brother behind and hauled ***
I made it to the kitchen but was trapped by Helen and her evil **** minion .
Give it up Gonz Helen said . At that moment I grabbed a knife .
Oh cut the crap Gonz stop being silly what are you going to do with that ?
She thought she had me but I had one last trick up my sleeve .
I opened the fridge and grabbed her trusty box of wine You ******* don't you dare hurt my baby!
Yeah you want this back I said as walked forward and out of the kitchen towards the veranda .
You get back Helen or I swear the box of wine gets it.
Oh yeah you stab that box then I will drop this fifth of your bourbon over the rail Helen said with that devilish look in her eyes.
You heartless ***** ! She dropped the bottle I swear it cried daddy as it fell to the ground shattering to a million pieces on the concreate beside the pool wow I had to admit she really had a nice place.
I mean sure she was twisted evil heartless had a awesome husband she kept in a upstairs *** dungeon but enough about Helens good quality's .
I looked as my pour bottle lay shattered upon the floor . I laughed you know that wasn't my only bottle .
I know that mate then reached to Ursula grabbing yet another bottle from her pouch dam you Australia why must you have so many ****** up animals in one place its like a zoo on crack.
Helen went to drop yet another bottle over the rail when I cracked. Okay enough! I will put your box of wine down just don't hurt the bottle okay .
Deal mate Helen replied .
We both slowly put are true passions in life down . I'm glad you could see things my way Gonz now time for you to get writing .
Yeah Helen I don't think so I said pulling the trusty boomerang from a location I rather not disclose hey I been to prison before you be surprised the stuff people smuggle in. Dam that hurt.!
I threw the boomerang with all my might this was my one truly last chance at getting out of here. But like some Aussie ninja Helen just ducked the thing as it flew past her head went flying around the house and turned direction coming straight towards me hitting me in the skull.
As I fell to my death music played as I took that long dramatic one story fall . I hit the pavement like Lindsey Lohans career.
I laid there broken my new best friend speaking to me no gonz don't leave me we could have are own spinoff if only you didn't die . Shawn my brother I will never forget you but I have just one last thing to say to you are you listening .
Yes mate I am.
And at that moment of dire sadness I ripped the biggest **** . Shawn busted up laughing as above Helen looked at Ursula Men are so ******* disgusting .
And later as they all sat looking down upon me from the veranda Helen furious at her man slaves betrayal told her partner in crime slash killer kangaroo .
Ursula go fetch the battery out of the car and the ****** clamps someone is going to be punished . Shawn's face lit up with joy yay he exclaimed . Helen shoot him a look .
I mean oh no such horror please don't torture me mistress . But hey don't judge them there not freaks there Australian.
Ursula shook her head as she made her way to fetch the car battery . Jesus Christ why couldn't I have been Mel Gibson's pet.
Helen looked down one last time at her dead brothers body . But to her surprise he was gone . The dramatic Halloween music played as Shawn looked to his evil temptress slash wife .
Mistress was that the boogeyman?
She slapped the **** outta him **** no its just that lovable perverted misspelling ***** across the water everyone calls Gonzo.
She shook her head and laughed to herself . We will meet again my friend .
Until next time kids or Helen finds and actually kills me stay crazy.