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  Nov 2020 Karen Hamilton
Emily B
Some girls
Have butterflies
Beautiful winged elegance
Flying through their cerebrums

Me?

I've got old ghosts
That turn into whiskey drunk monsters
Saying
"I should put a bullet
In your brain".

I saw him yesterday.
Standing in front of me.
Blowing his brains out
Over and over.

A movie stuck on repeat
In my brain.

And some small part
Of me
Hopes he does it.
So he doesn't come after me
Anymore.

Maybe
The monster is me.
I don't know
Karen Hamilton Nov 2020
I am an addict
I am a mother
I am a daughter
A sister, a friend.

I am an addict
and I live under
The spell addiction sends
right through my bones,
my mind, my heart, my soul

I am an addict
and I have never felt so small
I am an addict
I told myself
As I held my head in shame

I am an addict
and I cannot live with all this pain
I am an addict
I deserve nothing but the worst
I am an addict and
I live under this curse.

Success
I cannot have it (I told myself)
The right to a good life
I am an addict
I’ve caused too much pain and strife.

Content
I cannot have it (I told myself)
I don’t deserve to smile
I am an addict and
I am at the bottom of the pile

I am a survivor
I am a warrior
I am a Queen
But
I had a habit
That dampened all of my dreams

I am a fighter, a writer
I am clever, kind, caring and strong
I am an addict
but under labels I do not belong

I am a women, a human
Who sadly had to break
To be transformed into
The champion she is evolving
into today

I am an addict and
although yes, I do lust
for drink and drugs
I now have a Higher Power
I can trust, who showers
me with strength, guidance and love

I trudged for miles but
with hard work,
The shackles soon fell off
and although yes,
I fell face first
deep into the mud
I wiped my eyes,
squeaky clean and
I truly felt Gods love.

I began to breathe, to believe
in myself, in all my worth
and dare I say it……
I was thankful to still have
two feet firmly on this earth.

I remembered how it feels to live,
to dream, to be free
To feel alive –
and just how beautiful
This universe really is
Through my new fresh eyes.

I am an addict
And I do not wish to forget
For that could do me harm

I will always remember
my loved ones, my friends,
my family
Who lost their battles
In this crazy search for calm
and I hold them here
Firmly within my heart.

They provide me with the fuel
When my internal fire
barely starts
But the ones who keep me
Strong, who really ignite
my light
Are the ones sat amongst us,
The ones who daily fight
to stay sober and clean

We’re not perfect but
We try, the survivors,
the warriors, the ones
fighting to the end
carrying a light for their
lost loved ones and friends

You’re the champions –
In my eyes you are all stars.

And you deserve every bit
of goodness on this earth

Addiction puts blinkers on your
eyes, but recovery removes the curse.

Please understand, it isn’t
easy, it is a daily fight
but with time, care and
a lot of love, I am grateful
to have been given another
chance to try at life.

I am an addict
But I am also a survivor
And freedom tastes so
very, very nice.
. © Karen L Hamilton, Sep 2020

A personal poem, written for the message rather than the format. I was asked to write and read a poem at Norwich Cathedral Sep 2020 for those who are struggling addiction and the families/ friends of those who have lost their lives through addiction/ alcoholism
Karen Hamilton Mar 2020
It's year 2020
And it suddenly seems
That COVID-19 is
Now running the streets

He flew in from China
Off the back of a bat
He danced round in circles,
Eventually crashed...

The details are jaded
In fact nobody cares
How he transferred from bat
To the Human flesh

He's sparked a pandemic
And he's drawn to all those
Who ignore all warnings
Not to get too close!

(Little side note, he's drawn to us all but
finds it much easier to travel via the fools)

COVID-19 let's say...
Corona for ease, he's
Infecting our people
There's no need to sneeze!

He's got it all covered
He's hijacking our air
Needs minimal contact,
Just you to be there

In breathable distance
(He dares you to come close)
Unknowingly contract,
Pass on, double dose

At first you don't feel him
Though he weighs on your chest,
Heavier than you'll know
Until close to death

Some people can fight him
Off better it seems, he
'Prays' on the vulnerable
In contacting these

Who'll pass him on over;
Mum, Dad, Grandad or Nan
The man down the road who
You stopped to shake hands!

The person who's struggling
With another disease;
No room for a Virus
PLEASE don't give to these

The concept is simple
The process a bit hard
But please stay at home,
He's killing us HARD!

It may not be you yet,
Not yet someone you know
But it shouldn't take that...
I want him to go!

PLEASE STAY SAFE AND STAY HOME!
Karen Hamilton Nov 2018
I have the Devil deep inside me
And he’s playing a cruel game
It’s my life ‘Vs’ his life and he’s
Fuelled by all my pain. A deal
I made many moons ago, I shook
His hand and let him know that

Life wasn’t all that it should be
I wanted out, I wanted
Peace. He raised his head then snarled a grin
Opened his arms then pulled me
In, loaned his eyes so I could see the
Deep Red of Eternity

White dust he sprinkled, fires and sparks. My
Life seemed meek in dull contrast
“I’ll give you life in turn for yours, with
One small price to pay of course.
I’ll take away each bowt of pain, I’ll
Teach you how to smile each day

You’ll fool them all, you’ll have good fun, you’ll
Laugh and dance under the sun
As time goes by you’ll grasp the chance to
Reacquaint with confidence
Walk hand in hand with me, you’ll see how
Easy it be, to exist

Carefree” - I knew that life could be much
Worse than all he’d painted with
His words; I was already giving
Up you see. I gave my hand
Reluctantly. He grasped it hard then
Pulled me tight. He stared so deep
Within my eyes that, soon enough I’d

Lost all sight and Line-by-Line
I’d lost my touch, with Magic dust I’d
Found my crutch. The pain subsides,
My soul was priced up Gram-by-Gram, the
Whirlpools spun me round ‘n’ round
And the Devil Cloned me as I drowned

A mind once mine was now half-
Owned. Shame so vast I could barely breath,
False Pretences filled with Greed
These days I walk by in two-halves, each
Day I fight I can hear him
Laugh. “You silly Fool did I not say?

“Addiction is the Price you’ll
Pay?! For everyday you thought you’d Won.
The endless Masks which you’d piled
On, to hide the pain to cheat the game
Avoid life’s lessons you’d made
In vain; with me you chose to spend your

Days. I have your hand. You gave
Your blood, blind-sighted tears because
You ******-up. Indulged in Drugs
You masked your pain and now I hear MY
Name in Vain as you Beg and
Pray for me to end the game. Such a

Naieve young fool you were back
Then to think that ‘I’ would be ‘your’ friend
Now day-by-day you’ll hear me
Laugh as you try to loosen up my
Grasp. With new eyes on the prize are you
Surprised, that you see me ROAR?!”

Don’t Fall down now as you run;
The Devils deal you should not have done!



© 8 hours ago, Karen L Hamilton
30/11/2018 written shortly after leaving rehab, the beginning of my journey into recovery...
Karen Hamilton Oct 2016
As I walk the tightrope
On the edge of sanity
I silently scream
Making my pleas

Shall I topple either way
Lose my footing in a daze
Which side will I land?
If I land at all

Where'll I fall?
Fooling you
Fooling me
Inside my mind I make my plea

Please help me understand
Understand what I don't know
I make my way on tippy-toes
Whilst living life on a throe

Throw away, throw my mind
I need to leave my past behind
Behind me is another door
The door I think I'm striving for

I need to I turn, I need to go
For you, for me, for who, who knows?
Follow me, keep me safe
Trying not to contemplate

I'm scared, I'm lost, I've lost my mind
I'm wondering who is behind
Behind it all or is it fate?
Because of all the mess I've made
A turmoil of emotions spat out onto a page, this is at the very least an overdue release.

Syllable count is off key all over,  I may re-work in time or I may not but for now I'm just happy it's out.  © Karen L Hamilton
Karen Hamilton Jun 2016
I want to write a poem
But I don't know where to start,
My mind is slowly slowing;
Too much traffic from my heart

The roads are full and busy
People getting in my way,
Each motor holds a story
Each one has too much to say

Those traffic lights and stop signs
Are just getting on my nerves,
All I see are splattered flies
That my windscreen has reserved

A dice with death, no regrets
It's all sounding so absurd
Here I am, my fate is met
Yet still standing on this earth

I'm not alone though I groan
I am not alone, but all
Loneliness is subsequent
To an inner deeper fall

I fall and fall, fall again;
Do you start to get the gist?
Made the same mistakes again
Swerving quick, I nearly missed

The road I'm meant to pass through
It's the road I'm meant to choose,
The road that holds the 'good views'
It's the road I need to use

My brakes slam on, I am strong
Yes, I'm stronger than I think.
Traffic jams I don't belong;
Jump to ship or else I'll sink!
You can be lost but still be seen by those who love you. How long can one run from themselves is the question I keep asking myself.

© 5th June 2016, Karen L Hamilton
Karen Hamilton Apr 2016
I sit alone
I sit here still
I sit and think
Of my good will

I give and give
Sometimes I get
But often not
Most times forget
© Karen L Hamilton, 27/04/2016
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