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Nickoli Aug 2019
The loss of you hurts, an unimaginable amount.
I hold it in thinking if I don't acknowledge your death than my wounds don't exist.
I never knew you, or him... it is an odd feeling, grieving parents you never had.
Both of you gone has left me numb, I don't feeling anything.
Not knowing what you're feeling isn't the same as not feeling anything.... so many questions and thoughts I'll never get to share with you.
He was a bad man, he hurt you in a terrible way, you never had a chance with me as the outcome.
Events from almost 21 years ago changed 3 peoples lives for ever.
He was killed in prison, you died without raising me because of the disgust I reminded you of and I never even had a chance at a life with you.
Nickoli Apr 2019
Just like that another broken heart,
Another cycle of sleepless nights,
No appetite and throbbing heart,
And just like that I fall apart....
Nickoli Feb 2018
We’ve known each other for 5 years
60 months,
260 weeks,
1,825 days,
43,800 hours,
2,628,000 minutes,
155,000,000 seconds.

We have celebrated 10 birthdays,
5 Christmases,
1000’s of small victories,
A handful of immense wins,
Promotions and awards,
Success stories and failures.

I have had the pleasure of watching you grow,
Turn into an incredibly strong woman,
Fight your demons head on,
Conquer the big moments,
And love fearlessly.

I promise to love you,
Even when your jokes are not funny,
Through all of the wrongs,
And all of the rights,
I'm here to be a best friend,
Cause I love you and that's what
Best friends do,
5 years down with you by my side,
Only a lifetime to go.
Nickoli Nov 2017
“Just another girl”
With a broken heart,
With trust issues,
With a victim label.

A broken heart at 19,
But **** it hurts like it was just yesterday,
Damage so severe I can barely find a heartbeat.

Trust issues rooted deep at the age of 3 hours old,
Abandoned by the “unconditional love” a mother has,
Afraid I would be just like my ****** ***** donor.

Labeled a victim sophomore year of high school,
Years of recovering and years to go,
Blamed and humiliated as if there were bright orange caution signs all around him.

“Just another girl” an unfair label as if we all hurt and feel the exact same.
You aren't “just another girl”
You are a beautiful soul that has been thrown around and can recover.
Nickoli Nov 2017
You’re not my home anymore,
But if I could move back in I would,
If I could forget all the bad I would,
But the worst in me doesn’t want to.

You don’t know what it’s like,
To see the person who used to be a home,
Now a stranger who locked the front door.

Can’t stop my feet from walking back,
To be invited in then moments after locked out again,
You’ve been selfish with a home that used to be ours.

Fights that would flood our home with tears,
Beautiful nights together that would cover the ceiling with night stars.
The match previously burned out by rage and sorrow.

A family that was once ours is now yours,
Friends that were ours now mine,
A life built around us has burned to the ground, you lit the winning match.
Nickoli Nov 2017
Its a difficult feeling,
You still cry over him ever night,
But not because you miss him.

You don't miss all the lies he told,
You miss the way his touch made every hair on your body stand up,
You don't miss all selfish games he played,
You miss how noble and humble he was.

That's the thing about a broken heart,
The moment you come to terms with who he really is,
That's the moment every thing changes,
Once you accept its broken it can begin to heal.
Nickoli Sep 2017
If I could say anything to you now I would say..

Never come up the brick stairs and knock on my door again,
You have no place or right to even think about me now.

Leave your future apology in your throat,
Just like all the real ones you never said.

Forget the pity party you try and create for yourself,
If you can’t sell it no one can buy it.

Remember all the kind and loving things I did for you,
Because no other girl will ever see you the way I did.

When you tell the story of you and I don’t forget,
You were the villain you seem to flip those roles.

Delete my number from your phone,
I don’t answer unknown numbers anyway.

Oh and don’t forget because trust me you do,
Making someone else a priority isn’t a bad thing.

Final thing,
I hope and I really do, I hope that no girl ever makes you feel the pain you caused me.
Because even I wouldn’t wish something that destructive on you.
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