You called me your guiding star
That's quite true.
I burnt myself
and risked my whole existence
Just to light you way
For a few second

You called me your anchor
That's quite true
I sunk myself
To keep you at one place

You compared me with the moon
I get it now why
I scarred myself for life
just to be noticed,
To stand out
from the darkness
all around me

I gave you my all,
'cause i thought i could be your all
I tried to fix you
ignoring how in the process
I almost bled myself to death
I swallowed shards of glass
and yet never let my smile falter
I Wiped Your Tears
While Mine Were Left Abandoned
To Dry On Their Own
I tried healing your wounds
while mine got deeper

And I swear
I tried my best
To spare our friendship
Losing my love was bad enough
but my best friend too?
How on Earth
was i supposed to get through this

So,
I stayed
Put on my daily show
but you knew me
too well to fall for that facade
And that's whAT hurt most
the warmth in your eyes
that once felt like home
sheltering me from world's cold ways
was now gone
replaced
replaced by this coldness

Your skin
was the only home i ever knew
but i realized,
i was not welcome any more*
And I relized that
that hardest way possible
yet i stayed
'cause i just could not leave
I did not know how to leave
I loved you so frigging much
and everything just kept getting worse
YOU WERE NO LONGER THE SUN
but a blackhole
swallowing all the good memories
devouring them all
till there was not a trace of light
inside me
till there was nothing left to me
till i became the ghost
of the girl who i used to be
And all those good days
they seem like a distant dream
and i don't even know if what i'm writing
makes any sense
my hands won't stop shaking
or my head shouting
it keeps yelling
YOU NEVER FELL FOR ME
YOU SLIPPED
UNKNOWINGLY
A MISTAKE'YOU REGRET EVERY DAY

Glide till the end of time
Break away from the illusion
Experience a smooth ride
With the harmonious waves
Big sea of nothingness
Plunge deeper and swim alone
Experience the tides of change
Away from where you have been
Now you are free of everything
Float in the vast sea of oneness
Soul is fluid and adaptable to truth
Free flow of energy through eternity
You are nothingness and everything

Life seemed good
Sitting on the beach
Watching the Sun
Commit suicide
By plummeting deep
Into the waves
Tempting Night
To replace its beauty

I remain on the beach
Look at my watch
It's now 10:30
My mom probably read my note
I haven't heard the sirens
So she must not care
I mean hell
When does my broken family ever care

When they are too busy at work
When they yell at me
For not washing a **** spoon
Or take the credit for my accomplishments
When do I get to be happy
When do I get to stop cutting
Or contemplating what I plan on doing tonight
At this peaceful, calm beach

I'm broken
My reflection in the mirror
Can see all my cracks
And missing pieces
So why can't the rest of the world
Is it the mask I'm tired of wearing
Or the role I play as some happy kid

**** I wish there was somebody
Somebody with me
On this peaceful, calm beach
To glue the pieces missing for so long
Back into place
Hold my hand and tell me
That they ******* care
But it wont happen because I came alone

Brought with me a 45
Two bullets just in case
4 bottles of whiskey
And a knife to help speed things up
Because here on this beach
So dark, peaceful, calm, and lonely
I plan to end it
With happiness obtained with my last breath

See when you come from
A ******* broken home
You don't care for life
You don't care fro anything
And everything is a permanent problem
Even you living under there house
And eating so little or too much
Because their the reason for all the depression

You try your best
To please everyone around you
Hoping your happiness
Will make it easier for you
But instead you give them a reason
Just to push you around even more
So you take that little blade
And slide it across your wrist

You bleed your pain out
Your tired of the cruel words
The even crueler people
Who don't give two ***** about you
So do what I'm doing tonight
Go to the most beautiful place
You have ever been
And take your life away

I know I corrupt everything with my darkness
I corrupt the beauty within life
I'm broken
I break everything I touch
So tonight here on this beach
I take my last breath
And slowly begin
To make this place my grave

Broken, Broken, Broken
Everything around me so badly broken
The still water
Can't even capture my reflection
Because parts of me
Drop endlessly into it
From the places I tried
To patch and keep in place

So **** this life
**** the next one
I just wanted to be happy
So as I finish off the third bottle
I'll tear into my wrist
With the freshly sharpened blade
Load the 45 preparing for the end
Because it's only 11:12

By the end of the night
My wrist will stop bleeding
My blood will mix
With the salty sand and water
Making me one with this beach
Because I don't care for life
Here on this land
The Sea has always been my home

See a broken feeling
Not only comes from a broken home
It comes from
The many woman
You offer your heart too
Hoping it's an elegant enough gift
So you can at least
Be given a chance

But as the numbers rack up
The cracks get deeper
And start connecting
Pieces start falling
And that heart
You once had
Becomes almost nothing
Then nothing at all

See I'm even more broken
Because of her
She said she loved me
She got my hopes up
I thought she was perfect
And maybe that's where it went wrong
I put her on a pedal-stool
But I tried to just make her happy

I didn't need big words
Like a dictionary
Or deep lines
Like an old woman's wrinkles
To tell her or show her
That I ******* loved her
That I was loyal to her
But she broke a broken man even further

Maybe I wasn't enough
Maybe I'll never be enough
So **** it
I'm 5 o'clock drunk at 11:51
It's almost time for me to go
So I'll write another suicide note
Further up the shore
So the tide doesn't wash it away

So how should I write this
Like a regular note
Or make it like a business letter
I guess it doesn't matter
I'm leaving this place
Because I'm tired of being used
And tired of being broken
I already know you're not going to miss me

So maybe one last swig
One more cut
Just to bleed a little faster
It's 11:59 at night
Almost 12 like I wanted
The moon is high
And so is the tide
So I guess it's time to say goodbye

I took too much time
Wasted enough of it
All for what
A bullet to the brain
Yeah I guess I have
******* world
Hope you read and remember my poetry
Learn the kind of guy I wa.....

The liquid light embedded on my cortex
and I was lingering on the precipice of the
voices that shined so brightly within.

Burning there thoughts deeper into my
subconscious like butterflies wings
scorching on ever moment of intention

I'm a moment of conflicting interests
and i sway from the light to the twilight
places the voices take me there in silence.

I started isolating
Myself, used to
Say everything
I was feeling
But then I guess
I just stopped
I wanted them to
Love me for who
They thought
I was
And not who I felt
Myself becoming

Ever think about
How horrified the
People we loved
Would be if they
Found out who
We really are?
So we dig deeper
Into our lies everyday
Ultimately hurting
The only
People who
Are brave enough
To love us
Wish I was
Brave enough to
Love them back

We don't have
As much time
As we think

"It wasnt the same as they describe it in the books.
Its not like watching a movie and getting teary-eyed because it connected with you in some way, shape or form.

There was a deeper sort of pain, beyond the physical spectrum.
A feeling they don't describe.
It was akin to those weird feelings you get while listening to music.

And Ill tell you this. It wasnt easy to get over.

It didn't go away fast.

It HURT.....

It hurt every **** day."

.
“If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is - infinite.”
― William Blake

.
In this room
Drowning,
In ocean flesh,
Our days, replay,
With eyes cut
Out under sheet
Of stars.  All is
Not real, screened
For a soul, lost
On the dry lands
We bury ourselves
In.  

      One day we shall
Wake into the sun,
And bathe in the light
Of unbridled constellation
And voids deeper than
Life, holy and actual
Like drowning flesh,
Come, alive in sky,
Lit by eternal sheen,
Lost memories, grace,
Being burn, new sparkle,
Cast to air, as embers preen.

My name is Christine Mary D'Agostino and I'm eighteen years old.
I'm young, yes, but I've been through a lot.

I've overcome depression and anorexia.
I've gained a deeper understanding of life and found meaning in it.
I found the love of my life even though we don't talk anymore.

My spirituality was gained and my fears lost.
I'm finally happy.
I got to meet my two nieces and the chances to appreciate them.

I get good grades and I'm passionate for dance.

I've lost friends but I've gained many.

I'm only eighteen but I've come a long way.
I'm only eighteen but my doctor said I'll be dead in six months.
I'm only eighteen but I hope you'll remember me.
My name is Christine Mary D'Agostino and I'm eighteen years old.

You may not realize
I've been writing about meditation

You may not realize
I'd like to calm down

You may not realize
I made poems about calming down

You may not realize
When I suggested a reboot

It was supposed to be like a meditation
Not a rollercoaster

Limited highs
Or maybe greater highs than ever before

Like meditation
Meditation puts things into perspective

But limited lows
Because in meditation you start to understand deeper

That's what my plan was aiming for.

Use me,
Abuse me,
Don't look at me,
Just through me.
Force yourself
Ontop of me,
Then let me grieve
Quietly.
I lay there crying,
Soaking the sheet,
The uneasiness within me
Starts to repeat.
Hit me,
Quit me,
Don't love me,
Don't lust me.
Break me,
Shake me,
For God's sake,
Heartbreak me.
Tell me when it's over,
Tell me when you're done,
And as long as I'm crying,
Just know that you have won.
My body's weak;
You make it weaker,
But you keep taking,
You push deeper.
And then at once,
You're up and gone,
They ask for a description,
I tell them, *"the Devil's spawn".

Crater filled with endless dust
Full of nothing, full of rust,
Never ending, but it must,
Deeper down and down.

Leaving grass too far behind,
Somewhere no one else can find,
The ones who crave loneliness pine,
for the remoteness of this place.

Why is it always dark?
Not a sun to set or the quickest spark?
Only lonely--a treeless park,
A grave for distant sunlight.

Making happy seem not right.
Celebrate a starless night.
In cherished darkness, the cold can bite,
in the depths of this caldera.

Maybe something happened there,
A distant fight, an unknown lair,
incomplete and crumbled--the pair.
And waiting for some sun.

But for now let's ignore this awful place,
And forget we ever saw a trace.
An unsolved mystery, a closed case.
We'll erase the crater who lies.

Perhaps I was just,
Another notch on your belt,
Of the 84 women you've ever dated.

I like to think,
What we had was far deeper,
For it lasted four times longer,
Than any of your others.

But you moved right on,
As if we had been nothing,
But a gust of wind in the summer:
Beautiful, but fleeting

What is love?
Love is a lust that quench your soul
Love is when
His neck kiss left you with goosebumbs
His lips bits where as painkiller
His body against you is a shield of your protection
His touch was the sensation to your soul
The deeper you went you became one one
Because he seduced your  soul
And then I experienced spiritual ove!!

My love is greater
it  is grand

My love out shines the stars;
they are terribly jealous, stars never seem to be kind

My love is deeper,
than all the oceans and seas combined

Your love,
is empty.

Your love,
is dim.

Your love does not,
out shine the stars.
Nor does it even compare to the depth of the oceans and seas.

It does not exist.

yet I want it so badly.

  ER.

I influence
one life
only to tear the next down
I reward one part of my body
and dump my problems
on an already filled mind
I am a surgeon
who will cut anything
but itself
I am the theif that stabs
you for a penny.
I am the opposite of good intention
and the opposite of blessed harmony
I could go deeper and pollute
the enviroment
To the world I came as a gift
but to the grave I return as a burden
I never did  care, nor could
care  for anything but myself.
Even in death I spill
poison into earth

Ever since the age of ten
I have always preached one thing
Learn to be happy being single
And know you do not need a ring

Though I firmly believe it still
You can be happy on your own
I've grown to question if there's a reason
That I prefer to be alone

I think it boils down to more
I think I'm really full of fear
It's the underlying reason
Why I don't want people near

What if I get in too deep
But they don't feel the same?
What if I'm just strung along
And they play me like a game...

What if it's the opposite
I'm the one that they dream of
But no matter what I do
I will never be able to love

I have a hidden bigger fear
What if our love is true
What if I find happiness
That can only be found in you

What if we get married
And everything is great
What if I've found my one true love
And he gets ripped away by fate

I don't think I am strong enough
Since love can only end two ways
The choice is yours, death or divorce
Either way it ends in a blaze.

To be in a happy loving relationship
The thing I most secretly wish for
But an even deeper secret than that
Is that it frightens me to the core.

*Maybe I'll be alone forever...

"Who is leaving who now?"
All my insecurities bubble to the surface, that one phrase plunging me deeper into Hell.
"I'm sick of people leaving me."
So am I, dollface, but what am I supposed to do about that?
I've taken a liking to self-preservation, but you only lead me to self-devastation.
"Now I have two more faces today I need to forget about."
I'm sorry, but I have my own demons to fight, my own wars needing waged.
I have my own faces needing purged from my eyelids, from my heart.
"Text me when I'm good enough."
Good enough? You're not good enough? I'm the one that's not good enough.
I'm not good enough to fix you.
I'm not strong enough.
I'm not whole enough.
"I'm not suicidal..."
If you're not suicidal, then I wouldn't be so concerned.
If you're not suicidal, then you wouldn't be wanting to throw your life away with this... sickness.
This isn't you, despite your confident "it is" claim.
Why must you do this?
"I don't want to think about it."
You're destroying yourself.
I can't understand this.
I can't take your constant decimation every night;
It's destroying me too, dear.
Your nonstop emotional blackmail only beats me further into submission.

The air grows heavy around you. One deep breath will do it.
You're not afraid of the pain, but you still hesitate.
Focusing your sight on the smooth skin that covers your thoughts and fears from the world, you decide to do it. Sometimes, you  crave it so much that your skin can feel a little itchy.

One line is drawn on your skin. It's not deep enough. It barely bleeds, but it's the step you needed to move forward and let it all go for a while.
Another line, and then another one.
This time, you press the  razor blade deeper into your skin. Adrenaline runs through your veins. You wish you could go even deeper, finding the part of you that's been missing from your soul when they broke you. Perhaps, you just broke yourself. Who are you to blame other people, but why do you feel this way towards them?
Forgiving people is easier said than done. Forgiving yourself is... Impossible.
You draw another line. Now your body is covered in dying red roses.
You can't stop. You don't wanna stop. It feels so good, yet so wrong at the same time
It's like a drug, and no matter how long you stay clean, you will fall right back into it.
When you are done, you clean and cover those lines. A long sleeve will do it. No one has to know. You don't need another pair of judgemental eyes on you. Your  own presence has judged yourself enough.
You draw a fake smile on your face and go on with your day. You're fine.
You're fine. Everything will be okay, until it's not. What happens next, you may wonder?
I bet you already know it.

Have you ever sat on a bench alone
when all you can utter is a grown?
At rock bottom thinking negative
not really wanting to live!
Problems insurmountable no money
nothing in life you find funny.

Can't be bothered to wash or shave
knowing you have become knave.
Not to others in crime but to yourself
your being left on a dusty shelf.
Every thought is nearer to despair
others around you're not aware!

Wallowing in self pity I've been there
eyes glazed you just stare.
A day seems an eternity without hope
pills or hang by the rope!
I did overcome those dark ages
filled with silent rages!

I had to find the strength and seek
ask for help learn not to be weak.
But some can't face the demons inside
no matter how hard they tried.
Deeper into themselves they travel
to complicated to unravel!

I can only hope your answer will be found.

The Foureyed Poet.

There is infatuation and reality
Infatuation is knowing he loves you more than anything
Maybe baseball or his mom but you, you know his love is strong
Infatuation is a short lived love that exists while they are still perfect to you, that exists while you think that he has no flaws
And you love the little ones that you see
Infatuation is flying, soaring through clouds, feeling them brush the back of your hands, kissing your body with empathy
And then there is reality
Reality is realizing that he is like the rest
Never holding him to a standard to be different
Because he is only a boy
And boys will do what boys will do
They will look and flirt and crave and push
He is only a boy
You have to realize that he is not perfect
He has more flaws than the pimple on his chin or his crazy ex-girlfriend
Think about him
Realize that reality is knowing who he is
Not who you want him to be
Your mind is creative with love and this will be hard for you
But realize, please realize, that he is not different
He is only a boy
But that does not mean he cannot love you
He can love you with everything he has
Love you with all of his whiskey breath and cologne sprayed for any pretty girl that is drawn to it from across the party
He can love you like plants love fresh air
His love can grow, spread like roots digging themselves deeper
Reaching for a place to call home
He may love you, but love is not perfect
Love has its faults and failures
It is sometimes messy and will leave empty promises in the palms of your hands, do not hold on to them
You will want to grip them tight, squeeze until the broken pieces mend back together crooked
Reality is realizing you cannot fly unless you are in an airplane
There is no such thing as superman
This is reality
This is not your fantasy
And I know that is hard to hear
But know that even though love is strong, lust will sometimes win
It is not an even playing field
It never was

near the surface,
just beneath the sounds of our feet
among the bones, are arrowheads
maybe a spent cartridge from the bluecoats
who brought a strange thunder,
disturbing the a cappella birdsong,
deeper
hidden in eons of darkness, unperturbed,
until now, by the shallow, scratching efforts
of the creatures above,  
a black organic soup, remnants of plants
and animals who once breathed  
like we, we who now voraciously drill
through the tired but tenacious skin  
to reach a rich marrow, one we resurrect
to blaspheme in our mobile ovens
and scatter ashes
on a deaf and dying rock  

Post Script:
The earth never forgets.
Whatever we do to ****** it is recorded, often in ways undecipherable to man, but etched  permanently somehow, somewhere.
Does the earth seek revenge?
Or is it retribution, or a reckoning?
Anything that has the power to recall every act in infinite detail and in perpetuity has the potential to respond.
Maybe a propensity to respond?  
Is the earth an angry god?
I do not know, but
the earth never forgets.

Too tired to fall asleep,
I stared at a vivid flickering screen
And forced myself to eat.

1:15 a.m to 4:45 a.m
The hours- I didn't notice them,
But asleep I almost fell.

I dragged myself into slumber
And into a trance I clambered,
The blinding darkness I remember.

I awoke moments later
Under my demons' satire,
Stuck in a crater.

Everything was a blur
Four walls were six saboteurs,
And colours astir.

All attempts to cry for help
And get away from a faint death knell,
Just shoved me deeper into my shell.

Uselessly trying to move around,
My gasps were so profound
And I could hear the deafening sound.

I tasted my own fear
And flung it with tears,
The end must have been near.

The agitation was intense
Sweat ran down by head
And negativity within me spread.

I was trapped inside myself,
To a gust of wind against my chest
I almost succumbed to be at rest.

And then I ran as fast as I could,
Although blind, I said I would
Escape this maddening noose.

Silenced screams were now heard
And out loud I said "cursed"
I was finally free from paralysis unheard.

Take Note..
(This is how a heart breaks)
It starts with a look
leading to hand-holding
and light conversation
     (with an underlying current of something deeper)
Cold nights fast approach
and body holding
and murmurs of sweet nothings,
just reveling in the warmth
     (and something warmer)
Blazing furiously, a passionate
burning and consuming
like fire to an old wooden house
     (but that house is you)
Forgetting each other
blinded by the lies of forever
never, ever questioning
     (but of course, it doesn't work if you can see)
Then weeks transform into month
slower than molasses on a cold day
drifting, little by little
     (but so little you never know)
Hand-in-hand walking starts to feel different
'til that one day, 'til you reach that one day
where everything subsides
      (no reason, no rhyme, a thorough good-bye)
Walking away
you must never look back
never knowing how tears could form a mask
     (why?)

We took our pound of flesh
And the scars are still fresh
But it’s deeper than that

He’s your new best you ever had
I’m the ex so that means I’m bad
I never needed stuff like that

You always talked about a soul mate
Now I’m living with my soul’s fate
But I can't worry about that

Love is deep
Losing is not
Bubblegum rhymes
Is all I’ve got

You buried me in the past
Our secrets are who we are
But only if you remember those times

He’s the star behind the curtain
It will soon part that’s for certain
I won’t be watching for that

You always liked the things I thought
He likes women who can be bought
You’ll soon see through that

We talked about God and desert sand
Now I’m a kid instead of a man
Losing at love always does that

Love is deep
Losing is not
Bubblegum rhymes
Is all I’ve got

You buried you in the past
Our secrets are who we are
But only if you remember those times

Doggy paddle isn't swimming,
It's "active drowning."
The little pieces of information
Learned in the conference room of a YMCA,
Preparation to carry a red tube
And sit in a chair, observing;
To preside over age extremes
Swimming to and fro.

I sit in my chair
Carefully keeping track
As people come in and out of the room.
Someone comes up to me;
I stand up, shake their hand,
And maintain eye contact just as I was taught.
They walk away, leaving me to sink
Deeper and deeper into this chair.

What doesn't **** you
Makes you wish you were dead
That taste of the edge
Latches onto your bones
And grows like the mold
In the plaster basement cracks
In the pit of my soul
That grows deeper and deeper
And I can't take
The heavy weight
Of my own screams
And my buried mistakes
One more moment of silence
Might as well shatter me
I'm a porcelain doll
With a fragile disposition
Easily offended and losing friends
The loneliness is haunting me
Animating the skeletons
I sleep beside
I'm too scared
To lay in my bed
Ever since she left
So I make my home
In a nest of scarves
And support myself
The best I can
But the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up
I'm the furthest thing
From Atlas
I do my best
But since when has "best"
Meant anything

She had that streak,
would erupt
in the blink
& take you down
into an abyss.

I kissed her madly
& made wild-love to her
as if under a spell,
then went down
into the darkness
with her rapidly.

It might
have been her
pentagram or maybe
it was her widow-spider.
But perhaps,
it was
her inked scorpion
etched on her
delicious
milky-skin
that made me fall,
come deep into her
& give up the fight.

I just always wanted you to ask about me. The more I waited it came to me how pointless it'd be to say. So I stopped waiting and praised you on your talent, it seemed the only outlet I found searching to charge my ego thinking I were useful. My praise in your dream became your dream inspiring me. You never noticed. I shed tears hearing your hopes transcend words parked beneath trees in your apartment lot. I hid them easily. You were so devoted to listening to yourself.  I wasn't much to hold your gaze unless I was tempting or cheering. The amazement in your eyes having had created made me lust after my dream deeper. I was truly thankful for it. But you never seemed to notice how moved you made me. My silence wasn't boredom, it was gratitude, for if ever in our moments I fell silent it was because I felt something vivid that seemed to always surprise me. I wanted to be more for you. Stretch my limbs and soul for you. The way when I closed my eyes it felt you had. The way it felt your lips pressed to my forehead, the small breath you'd let out as you began to smile down at me half asleep. The most living thing I've ever felt against my skin because it was real without me needing to see. Thank you for inspiring me, for forcing me to grow even a little, and for feeling like you were there for me even when I know you weren't.