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Gianna 4d
I don't love this life,
Though I must admit,
It has its beautiful moments.
Yet, also a million times of grief.

Grief for the past we have lost,
Grief for the ones that are gone,
Grief for the moments we lived,
Not knowing how to let them go.

I have cried a thousand oceans,
Just  to find myself here.
Waiting on something uncertain,
Afraid of letting  grief go.

What are we without it?
Who should we seek if not it?
Even when happy moments do happen;
It's still there, stealing the smiles within me.

Someday all of this will be gone.
Dust shall go back to what it is.
We all will meet somewhere,
Where that word will never exist.
Life after loss
Gianna Jan 4
I'm checking my vital signs,
Just to make sure I'm still alive.
I'm breathing, but no air fills my lungs.

Could this mean I'm dead, too?
Is it a panic attack?

We're two souls United forever,
Through  thick rain and  a beautiful sunrise,
I see your smiling face from far away,
Yet so close I can almost touch your cheek.

Where have you gone tonight?
Are you somewhere we've never been to?
Are you happy where you are?
What's life, and why was it cut short for you?

Dad, I miss you.
You believed in me,
even when I couldn't do it myself.
You brought me back to life.

Thanks to you,
I'm stronger than I've ever been.
I believe I'm the daughter you'd be proud of,
All because of you.

I held your hand as you fought for a breath,
I kissed you on your forehead,
Told you everything would be okay,
Even if that meant  I was  willing to let you go.

RIP daddy 💚🌾
1967-2020
F*ck covid
He was only 53 years old. It's not fair 😔💔
Gianna Nov 2020
In his arms I felt safe
There was nothing to be afraid of.
No monster could take him away,
He was the man that always saved me.

He danced with me as I, slowly, fell asleep in his arms,
And tucked me to bed at night.

Stories were created,
The ones I still remember.

On his shoulders I felt tall,
I felt I could fly, touch the sky,
And even though I'm afraid of heights,
I still tried to be brave.

In his heart I was still her little girl,
And it was hard for him to let me grow up.

When the time came, and it was time for me to let him go,
I whispered in the silent living room of my house, "You can let go, Dad. I'll always be proud of you"

With his physical absence,
I feel broken and lost.
There's nothing I wouldn't do to bring him back home.

So, when I'm crying,
I think of that little girl,
The one sitting on her dad's shoulders.

The one that never knew what death was.
The one that created memories without knowing that.

I think about him,
And I can see him smile.
No more pain,
Just peace and love.

In my heart, he's still around,
Still laughing and hugging me,
Teaching me how important life is.

We can be gone in a second,
But  even if covid took him away,
It  couldn't take something from him...

HIS LOVE.
HIS LOYALTY.
HIS LEGACY.
OUR MEMORIES TOGETHER...


Love remains; it always does.



Miss you, daddy 🖤🥀
  Jul 2020 Gianna
N
This morning I stared at my
veins, and I realized they’re as
blue as an ocean during sunrise

And I’ve been drowning in
myself since my first breath

For how long must I
breathe underwater?

Am I still alive if my soul
feels like it's sinking
endlessly
into the abyss?
I’m not dead but I’m not alive either.
Gianna Jul 2020
The air grows heavy around you. One deep breath will do it.
You're not afraid of the pain, but you still hesitate.
Focusing your sight on the smooth skin that covers your thoughts and fears from the world, you decide to do it. Sometimes, you  crave it so much that your skin can feel a little itchy.

One line is drawn on your skin. It's not deep enough. It barely bleeds, but it's the step you needed to move forward and let it all go for a while.
Another line, and then another one.
This time, you press the  razor blade deeper into your skin. Adrenaline runs through your veins. You wish you could go even deeper, finding the part of you that's been missing from your soul when they broke you. Perhaps, you just broke yourself. Who are you to blame other people, but why do you feel this way towards them?
Forgiving people is easier said than done. Forgiving yourself is... Impossible.
You draw another line. Now your body is covered in dying red roses.
You can't stop. You don't wanna stop. It feels so good, yet so wrong at the same time
It's like a drug, and no matter how long you stay clean, you will fall right back into it.
When you are done, you clean and cover those lines. A long sleeve will do it. No one has to know. You don't need another pair of judgemental eyes on you. Your  own presence has judged yourself enough.
You draw a fake smile on your face and go on with your day. You're fine.
You're fine. Everything will be okay, until it's not. What happens next, you may wonder?
I bet you already know it.
Gianna Jun 2020
Moon child,
Worned out, yet wide eyed,
Breathe in
Breathe out.

Your body is tiny.
Your heart remains untouched.
Your smile  breaks me.
I used to be happy, too.

Tell me you're still here,
Somewhere where I can find you.

Tell me you are proud of me.
Tell me you would keep fighting,
Because I need your strength.

Take all the pain away.
Take me to the stars,
Let's play with Peter Pan.

You should remain unmarked.
Yet, you're growing tired.

Have I let you down?

Moon child,
Tell me we are doing okay.
Moon child,
Keep on fighting.

This war is not over.
We shall remain victorious.
We will be marked.

Don't pay attention to others,
You are enough.
You are perfect.

Moon child,
Wild kid with  pretty eye lashes
Are you here?
I can't feel you anymore.

If you decide to stay,
So will I
A poem to my younger self
Gianna Jun 2020
I've built a safe haven.
It's the only place that contains my pain.
The walls are tainted by the  blood of broken dreams.
Tainted by hurtful, yet blurry words that I can still hear these days.
They're tainted by a broken mind.
My safe haven has a resistant door, but no windows to let my secret be free.
Darkness likes to live in it.
My demons seem to agree with it, too.
I have a safe haven, and sometimes,
It's my only home.
*TW*
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