I'm happy, I swear,
pretend to care,
Because I do,
It's what I pursue.

Life is ******, it's true,
But still it's life I pursue.
Wanting to start anew,
But you can't stop boiling a brew.

Twist my mind,
Make me kind,
Make me mean.
Let me go lean.

Treating life like a show,
Mind buried under 10ft of snow.
Because I'm expected to entertain,
Even when pain i retrain.

I'm happy I swear,
Life is never fair,
Can be drab without flair,
Will bore until you pair.

7/23/2014

the plane rolls over the california mountains

we pass over homes,
and stores,
and jails

we pass over the bars,
where bitter old men go
to remind them of their sorrows

we pass the *******,
where 20 year old men go
to feel like lions

we pass the cloudy river,
where a man sits fishing for not fish,
but love

we pass the jail,
where a ***** woman sits
and prays for heaven to take her

we pass the hills,
where couples go to ****
and die

we pass the roads,
full of insensitive men,
crying women,
vomiting kids,
and clueless elders

we pass the land
which has witnessed the
genocide of a people

we pass over a thousand murderers,
and a thousand molesters,
and a thousand arsonists,
and a thousand lunatics

we pass over a land
founded on the color of white

and *** we pass over this hell,
I look towards the man on my left

a 40 something year old
business man,
reading a mag,
drinking a coke,
and sipping up his cluelessness

then there are the people behind me
indian
2 women, and a child
a mother,
daughter,
and grandchild
who must know all too well
how much of a hell we're in,
but they do not bite their thumb

for maybe this is meant to be,
maybe there is no way to escape this,
maybe there *is no way to fix this

yet,
I do bite my tongue at the world
I do bite my tongue at humanity,
at society,
at love,
at loneliness

yes,
I bite my tongue at people

but as we pass above the clouds,
and hell slowly vanishes
beneath a film of illusion,
my thoughts do vanish,
and I no longer
am reminded of hell

© 2014 Rembrin Hawke

anxious
surgery

waiting room
tic tac toe
winning
losing

waiting

can't
help
but
notice
not one
but
two

"Top Rated Doctor"
magazine covers
hanging
right
in
front
of
my face

waiting
still
…
called
back

disinterested
nurse

*****
-yet brisk-
cavalier
surgeon

cutting
sewing
apologizing
plainly
unemp­athetic

couldn't
help
the
tears
that
followed


and
for
taking
the
*******
time

to write
about
this
****

Why is it you?
Of all people to have the ability to ruin me
why is it you? Bryan?

You're awkward and too tall
on top unmitigated gall
you're plain rude.

So why do I want you?
Bryan?

In my mind there's a collection
of every time you've shown affection
and

The slightest inclination
only heightens my determination
to trip you.

I want you to fall hard
for me. Bryan.

With every facebooked text
it's been my only request
for the whole year.

Did you notice?
Bryan?

When the smallest appreciation
left my pupils dilated
it's so degrading

When my faith in you is fading
more praise is awaiting
I am stuck in this net.

What's so unfair
is that you're not even aware
of what you do to me.

If I told you, would you love me?
Bryan?

she was wearing soft red lips
and blue eyes as deep as the ocean
and a shirt that read “THIS WILL DESTROY YOU”
and you should’ve known then but it was already too late
too late
too late
and you were already moving, already in motion
she made her darkness shine like gold.    

she was wrapped in silk and satin
that would have burned you if you tried to touch
and she was sitting by a window
waiting for you.
she wanted to keep her sadness close
and her vastness open.
she didn’t understand what it meant to be the moon
and you should’ve known then but it was already too late
and you were already moving.
she was a wolf, she said
and her knowledge could eat you
alive.
you, on the other hand
have always been a deer.

                        she spoke with a voice of lush and luxury
and wore her jacket over her shoulders
on the first day of spring.
her enigma was thrilling
and she scared you
almost to death
but not enough to make you leave.
she had hands of ice
and the breath of heartbreak.
she still remembered how to laugh
however cynical.
she was just as lost and dismembered as anyone else
but knew how to hide it
among sharpened knives
and glasses of red wine.
she loved the thought of drowning
but yearned to be saved
and asked you for help.
she let you in
but she was a self-proclaimed goddess
with secrets deeper
than your lungs.
she was water
and you have always been air
and you should’ve known then but it was already too late
and you were already moving.
the whole time you moved within one word
and that word carried you to places she never could:
chance.
she tried to warn you
she knew she couldn’t be the person you loved
yet somehow you still did
somehow you still did
(she) did still you, somehow
somehow you still did.
it was already too late
late too, already, was it?
it was already too late.
before you even met her
before you even saw her turn around in that coffee shop
before her smile
before her accent reached your ears
before your arms touched
before she read her writing to you
before she opened
before she placed her hand on your back
before you watched her walk away down the dark city street for the first and last time
before you met the body behind the screen, you did
you loved the words.