there’s a fight
inside me
my heart against
my mind
my feelings against
my rationality
my body against
my own limits
me against
me
I love you
I want you
I need you
I give up
to you
and I win
and I lost

i got up this morning
a faded light into my room
i turn my face
you were there
next to me
it wasn'a dream
you are finally my reality

it's forbidden to write about you
it's impossible don't write about you
i need to write about you
getting out words
is like getting out pain...
to write about you is my pain
it's forbidden to write about you
it's forbidden to think about you
you are forbidden to me

so fragile
so complicated
so naive
I was waiting for you
you didn’t have a face
you didn’t have a voice
you didn’t have a body
you were a dream
my dream !
I knew your embrace
I knew your smile
I knew your warmth
….here you are!
your arms
protect me
your mouth
gives me the oblivion
your eyes
give me the peace
I'm your
and you’re mine
fill my empty
sweep away my fragilities
don’t leave me…
I ‘ll be cold
Don’t leave me...
my heart would become ice ...
so fragile…
it would be blown to pieces....

Sometimes
I only need
Someone saying
I'm here for you
No questions
No judgment

on your shoulders
the experience
on your face
your story
in your eyes
your life
in your heart
the bitterness
on my shoulders
your tears
on my face
the comprehension
in my eyes
memories
in my heart
our friendship
you and I
friends forever
now and always
you and I
your strength
which I well know
it ‘s still here
it expect
it  never abandoned you
the life
a beautiful life
to live again
and I with you
close to you
my friend!

how can I survive?
after that
after you
I'm so angry
you abandon me
you leave me alone
why?
I weren't ready
not yet
I feel guilty
I know it's not your fault
but
I'm so sad
I'm so lonely
I don't know how going on
and you aren't with me
to teach it
no longer
who 'll dry my tears?
who'll lull me?
who'll listen to my doubts?
who'll calm my fears?
I need you
I miss you
there's a dark hole in my heart
you told me
be strong
I'll try
you told me
be happy
I'll try
you told me
don't forget I love you
I don't
I love you
I'll always do
I hope
that one day
I'll be hold in your arms
again
mum...

a sharp sense of unease
growing inside me
anguish!
an icy grip
is rising up from my guts
I perceive a liquid flowing
relentless in my tissues
is crushing  my lungs
compressing  my heart
the space available to me
suddenly
become narrow
the horror
arrives in my throat
taking my breath
my dry mouth
bites of a thousand pins
irritate my skin
I have to run
I must run away…
I need some air
a scream invades my mind
I don’t know why
I still don’t know why
but I feel it!
I hear you!
you call my name  
you say you love me
I feel helpless
life that lets you down
an icy mantle
covers me
I slumped to the ground
while
a distant voice
calls me
but I know
I know it all
I love you too
I whisper to the shade
slipping away

I have many things to say
words to the wind
that no one
can hear
they’re only
sounds syllables letters
connected
without an order
confusion
madness
solitude
I’m an island
without landing
a boat without oars
...
I stare the horizon
and I wait

I looked for
I found
I laughed
I dreamed
I believed
I loved

I watched
I found
I get it
I cried

I believed you
you told me
I love you
you told me
I'll always be by your side
you told me
you're the most important thing
you told me
I'llsupport you
you told me
I'll protect you'

I believed you
I found myself alone
I waited for you see me
I fell on the ground
I felt weak and defenseless
I thought ... he loves me

I learned to walk alone
I learned to get up by myself
I learned to defend me by myself
I learned to be strong

you realized
I was standing in front of you
without you
you told me
.... do you love me?

I deleted your pictures
I deleted your email
I tore your love messages
I threw our songs

I can’t  erase my memories
I can’t erase your image
I can’t tear my heart
you've already done it

I 'd like to be a  butterfly
fly
enjoy freedom
enjoy sun
enjoy warmth
following
faint
which closed in my cocoon
I dreamed
and imagined
I'd like to be a  butterfly
see colors
and live
intensely
carefree
I'd like to be a butterfly
just a moment
few hours of happiness
and life

I feel you
I smell your scent
I feel your breath
I feel your whisper
I feel your absence
you're gone
but I feel you
forever and ever

I get it
I believed
I thought
I suffered
for you
for us
for me
for my inability
to love you
again and again
I get it
that is not so
I
I am not inadequate
you
you do not love me
you
you want to possess me
your pride speaks
your cowardice
holds me to you
your selfishness
hidden by  layers
of mellifluous sensitivity
hits me
you
you want to hurt me
you do not even notice
what you say
you do not see
the bleeding gashes
you  keep leaving
on my skin
you do not feel
swollen and distorted scars
on my mind
on my heart
pains
you've inflicted to me
with your silences
with your absences
with your looks
with your words
empty and useless
and false
drawn with black ink
as the planned route
on a cold map
you see my pain
you see my insecurities
you see my guilt
and you walk to your way
heedless
you do not care
it’s been all about you
fake victim of the world
hidden
by a mask of dignity
papier-mâché made
glued with slime
script writing
for an ignorant audience
vacant and bigots faces
you speak
you do
you look
lies!
they’re all lies
black like  pitch
you pretend
you mislead
you are sneaky
with me
against me
I believed
I thought
I suffered
for you
for us
for me
for my inability
to love you
again and again
but I
I loved you
I fought
I gave
I kept quiet
I waited
gestures and words
that never arrived
I was
I was there
you could just have
to see me next to you
you've grown
our most beautiful rose
now
it is buried among the thorns
dry and withered
its scent
is consumed
in waiting wind
a persistent
moldy smell
into our  nostrils
I was alone
the only color
in a gray landscape
holding a watering can
without water
the fire has gone
no embers under the ashes
I get it
I am not bad
I am not inadequate
I am not inept
I'm not nonentity
I am
I must
I exist

new distances
old silences
"come-hither" gleams
I can’t touch you
I can’t feel you
a mound of distorted truths
is separating us
we were just two steps from the top
our fingers were about to touch
but we fell
in the frosty mud of exhaustion
I  saw the light shift
concealed by ruthless grudges
rediscovered enemy
illusory belief of a yes

I loved you
I loved your shadow
I loved your sign

I loved what I thought you were
I loved the shadow that my thoughts projecting about you
I loved the signs  that my mind created about you

I didn’t love you
because you don’t exist
you are fake

i waited
i dreamed
i found you
the boy you were
the man you are
today and ever
i love you

the hooded man
came in without knocking
nobody
kept it away
frozen terror
flows in my veins
I'm cold
I'm so cold

today
my need for you
is unbearable
it's physical
it’s mental
you invade my mind
you own my body
the expectation of pleasure
vibrates inside me
ephemeral lie
I hate
the awareness
I cannot have you
my hunger will not be satisfied
I’m smashed
from the promise to let you go
unable to move
I'm tormented
full of you
just of you
I can’t
miss you
I can’t
die
I must have you
is I must  breathe

young  emotion
enclosed
in an inexperienced heart
enclosed
in a tired heart
with a  heartbeat
forever young
as a bud
forgot
hidden
in
a withered
fruit

live
dare
run
sing
smile
cry 
follow your dreams
neverd  give up
fight
because in a flash
everything can change
and all your world
will stop turning

every fight
every intention
collaps
inevitably you
as flush in my mind
no relief from you
not the evening
my free thoughts
to wander in the dark
run to you
not the night
in flights of my unconscious
I drown in your arms
not the morning light
my eyes closed
my heart awake
every single weak heartbeat
is consumed in you
inescapably you
tangled
to me
your thick scent
gelatinous shell of every atom of me
obsession
passion
pain
persistent hum
every fight
every intention
drown
surely you
sweet poison
poignant languor
eager anticipation
of an instant
of authentic
essential
abandonment

it was a caress
it was a kiss
it was a hug
it was hope
it was love

it's a punch
it's a grin
it’s a chain
it's scary
it’s infected love

my blind love
your sick love
it was air and light
it’s smoke in my eyes
it's metal flavor in my mouth
kicks in my belly
vomited words
our love is guilty
us
just addicted
by our hypnotic poison

doubt
makes me weak
empty pauses
heavy thoughts
of confused glimpses
jealousy
makes me insane
elusive dramas
icy waves
drag me
far out
insecurity
makes me a stranger
stunned mirrored
a cruel eco
evoking
perennial fallen petals
my soul
isn't me anymore
a white ash shade
spreads on my
winters

I’m no daughter
I’m no mother
born under a cabbage
only worms
as my fellow cradle
I crawled
on barren land
my ***** and scratched  skin
covered with calluses

I’m no daughter
I’m no mother
born under a cabbage
I fell
the icy water took me
but I was colder than it
the current  carried me away
I climb on the bank
I was clean

I am mother
I became  daughter
I palpated
happiness

my heart bleeds
my body trembles
my eyes would like
don’t look
I'm afraid
but I don’t stop
I suffer
but I continue to fight
I don’t give up
to the injuries
I don’t give up
to weariness
I don't give up
to terror
I shout out
NO!
I'm not into it
I shout out
NO!
I want to be able to choose
It’s my law
it's my duty
I love me
I love life
I love color
I love music
I love dancing
I love talking
I love listening
living
laughing
playing
loving
accepting diversity
knowing
crying
choosing
I say NO!
I'm not scared

I’m water
I’m wind
I’m light
I’m color
I was imperceptible dust
I was static black in the black
I’m on top of the world
I smile

I stare at the sea
calm quiet gray
warn its apparent calm
its whisper
invades my mind
I perceive its smell
intoxicant

I feel the sea
I know the black
of its abyss
the fury of its wrath
the cry of its anger
I see the myriad colors of its soul
it slips inside me

I listen to the sea
it confides its mute secrets
to those who can feel it
ubiquitously divided
between the shadow and the light
empathetically
connected with the depth
and the surface

I envy the sea
strong decided transparent
selfishly
stretched himself
to its pleasure
Pied Piper
tormentor and muse
greedy and shameless

I stare at the sea
personification of life
illusive chimera
of fullness
unattainable
..... unattainable!

every whisper
every wish
every tear
every smile
is you!
my entire life
all my feelings
all my moods
the best part of me
is you!
I don’t know why
I don’t know how
I don’t know when
but
I know
this is our sentence
and our nirvana
you are
my perfect half
and I’m yours
wherever we’ll be
whatever we’ll do
we’ll feel each other
two pieces of one
deep love
true love
nothing else

everything is right ?
yes..sure!
but no! Not at all !
all is a mess .
I feel sick .
but no one notices it ....
or maybe it's easier pretending  not to see.
it’s easier fixing  
the sparkling smile ..  the white teeth ..   the shrill voice ...
it's easier not  staring  at my eyes ...
those eyes that doesn’t smile .. no longer.
it’s easier not to go beyond the appearance .
it’s easier to believe to a  ..”yes..sure”

I wish
I could tell you
how much I love you
I wish
let you know
I'm next to you
I wish
I could comfort you
I wish
I could tell you
everything will be fine
I wish
I could believe
that will arrive soon
the moment in which
finally
you and I
will be together
I wish
but I can’t
I wish
that this world
don't divide us
I just wish
I could
tell you
I love you
staring at your eyes
I just wish
I could feel
the warmth
of your arms around me
I just wish
to know
you’re happy
I wish
but I can't
hatred keeps us separated
violence
divides us
your ideals
your selflessness
your bravery
your integrity
that I love so
keep us far away
I wish
you next to me
I desperately
wish
to find you
in a place without
war
I want
to believe it
I want
to hope
I just want
close
my eyes
and wait

friends
in a world
of falsehood
and superficiality
fake smiles
and cold hugs
we met
lonely and desolate souls
a bond
deep and instinctive
close together
connected
without the need for words
friends
simply
joined
forever

there’s someone in the shadows
I don’t know his name
I don’t know his face
I know his strengths
I know his bravery
I know his unselfishness
he hides the horror
he calms my fears
I smile ... I sing … I game ..
while he fights for me
he takes care of me
he gives up everything for me
he doesn’t sleep
he crawls in darkness
he suffers
he dies !
he is alone ....
he can’t have a family
pain, fear, absence,
he can’t
he does it for me
je does it for love
to allow me to be happy
to make me feel safe
He doesn’t know my name
He doesn’t know my face
but he takes care of me
... I know you
I know who you are....
... just a hero
my hero

I thought
to be safe
I thougth
to be  safe
from the darkness
I thougth
to be safe
from you
but....
it was a lie
now ...
as before
as after
I know
I can't
it was only a dream
to be free ...
just a song
in the air
and I'm falling
again and again
a so good song
it was our song
I loved it
but you were mine
I hate it
because you aren' t mine
no longer
I hate you
because I love you

yes
..you can!
**** me. .
**** me !
but
before
the eternal dark
before
my eyes die
please!
line to me
I need your black eyes
please !
kiss me
and give me
my last
beautiful oblivion!

raw as a rock
crushes me
mighty like a meteorite
hits me
invincible as a bottomless
spiral
drags into the abyss
my fatuous beliefs
revealing
withered silhouettes
and
desolation

lies
empty sand pictures
heavy shadows of nothing
commercialization of dreams
daughters of a snake
with nightingale mask
stench of corpses
locked in a chest of violets
they hit you like a stones  rain
catatonic
dust visions

everyone has something to say
everyone seeks  something
everyone seeks  peace
everyone seeks pleasure
everyone seeks respect
everyone seeks freedom
everyone seeks happiness

if my pleasure is your sorrow
if my freedom is your prison
if my happiness is your misery
where is the boundary?
where is the border between mine and yours? where does my freedom finished and start yours?

my own respect
involves not respect others?
to get to my idea of peace
do I have to fight others? S
say what I think
does it mean not to listen?

what is the boundary between good and evil? what is the limit we must establish
to not  undermine the freedom of others?
the limit is not itself
a limit?

our rules
are they both our opportunities?
shades and nuances and perceptions
truth true and built with reason
what is life?
is not everything and anything?
the lived and imagined?
agonist and antagonist?
reason and feeling?

don’t stop thinking
don’t  stop asking questions
don’t stop listening
don’t stop seeking
this is the life
imperceptible explosion
of codes and colors and luminous fluxes
slow perpetual motion
closed inside us

they appear
and immediately
capture all the attention
lighting up the darkness
brighten up the night
move vivid ancient dances ...
unconsciously enchanting
small and majestic
naive  and strong
like fireflies
you’d put  them in a glass case
possession and protection
... but in a flash ...
they’d fall off
like fireflies
fullness and life ...
a flutter
a jolt that shakes the soul
like fireflies ….
appear and leave you speechless
intimate awareness of being alive ...
fullness and life ...
a flutter
a jolt that shakes the soul
sons …
passing…
consuming happiness…

yellow turned into black
your blue eyes turned to dark
colors turned into fog

innocence, joy, hope
of a little girl
lost in a white room
a heart that beats wildly
in my ears
the only sound remained

a lonely tear in my eyes
locked inside
I can't get rid it
I hold it tight
like I hold you close

I’m alone
in the dark
darkness envelops me
I’m screaming
no one answers
no voice calls me
no hand takes me
darkness
scares me
... I succumb

I found you
I lost myself

an oasis of peace
fresh water
the sun in the clear sky
my soul
drowns in this peace
storms and waterfalls
nothing can shake
my motionless eyes
long hair
that the wind can’t dent
my lying limbs
in a deadly calm
of frosty beats
here !
a thrill
a blink of an eye
the breeze shakes my hair
fresh water
the sun in the clear sky
heat intoxicates me
storms and waterfalls
everything vibrates
under my eyes
my soul...
at last, lives!

love to be loved
feel to be felt
see to be seen
live to be lived

I love you
I feel you
I see you
I live you

love is you on my soul
love is the pain I feel
seeing your back
moves away
knowing
I won’t stare at your eyes
no longer

singing your name
dreaming  your scent
smiling at nothing
just
loving you

I ask
I answer
I nod
I get angry
I yell
I love you
I cry
I get excited
I suppose
I survive
in an loving monologue
infinished
...
or finished?

sometimes
loving you is so hard
sometimes
the right way is no way
but
just now
and ever
i know
the right way
is ..
loving you