Setiap kali aku melihatmu
Rasanya aku ingin—
Merekonstruksi diriku.

Memilah semua hal yang tabu
Memilah semua kekurangan
Menjadi kesempurnaan yang fana.

Betapa bodohnya aku,
Betapa bodohnya aku hanya karena cinta.

Ada sesuatu di dalam diriku;
Suatu kehampaan yang
Tak tertandingi.

—Dan itu semua,
Hilang sekejap saat melihat
Senyummu yang manis
Tak ada tandingannya.

Setiap kali aku ingin menatap,
Aku menampar pipiku keras
Karena kamu, walaupun mempesona,
Belum ditakdirkan
Untukku.

Bukan saatnya, kawan,
Kau tertunduk dengan tangisan
Seakan dunia sudah kiamat.

Mungkin hatimu sedang tertusuk
Oleh buaian para pemberi harapan
Dan setan pembisik di telingamu.

Tapi ingat,
Ceritamu hanya sebatas koma,
Masih ada kalimat panjang
Yang menantimu sampai akhir hayat.

Aku tidak ingin berbisik,
Aku ingin berteriak,
Aku ingin membuka kulitku
Dan mengisi kehampaanku.

Tapi rasanya
Dunia berputar cepat.

Di dalam tulang belulangku ini
Ada diriku yang terpendam;
Ia sudah bergejolak
Saat lampu padam,
Seakan memanggilku
Dengan suara lantang.

Dan saat aku melihat sebatang rokok
Yang menyala di genggamanku,
Aku menjadi ingat,
Kalau diriku yang gelap ini,
Tidak muncul saat senja datang.

Aku ingin kembali ke dalam kesunyian,
Ada ketenangan yang tak pernah membosankan,
Dan juga diriku yang amat sangat tenang.

Tapi, suara di atas sana berbisik,
Aku harus kembali saat waktu sudah menjelang senja,
Menghadapi realita
Penuh drama

Tubuhmu seperti lukisan abstrak—
Tapi aku ingin tetap melihat.
Disana, mungkin aku bisa
menemukan sesuatu;
Sesuatu yang membuatku singgah
Seperti memori indah.

Dunia berputar cepat
Saat kanan kiriku sudah berlari kencang
Aku hanya menetap

Tenang, semua ada waktunya
Aku hanya menarik nafas
Dan berjalan cepat

Tubuhku berisi daging dan darah yang mengalir; tapi yang kurasakan hanya kehampaan yang mendalam.

Aku tidak bisa merasakan sedih, walau kulit tergores dan darah mengucur cepat. Hanya kekosongan yang menggali dan membolongkan dadaku.

Aku tidak bisa merasakan manis, walau mulutku dipenuhi makanan penutup lezat. Hanya kepahitan yang menetap di lidahku seperti mengunyah obat tablet mentah.

Aku takut. Aku takut menjadi hantu.

Aku ingin menjadi manusia lagi. Aku ingin merasakan sesuatu.

I keep calling her phone number
even though she always denies me.

And when she answers,
she only says,
"Just enjoy it,
stop worrying
about your future."

Aku candu kesedihan
seperti perokok candu nikotin;
segan berhenti
namun menyakiti

Ayo, pergi bersamaku.
Aku akan mengajakmu pergi
menikmati angin malam
sambil melihat gemerlap cahaya
dari gedung tinggi ibu kota

Ayo, pergi bersamaku.
Kita akan menyanyikan lagu indie
sambil berteriak lirik yang salah,
menatap jalanan besar yang kosong
dan tertawa bersama

Ayo, pergi bersamaku.
Aku akan mengajakmu menikmati senja
jauh dari kerumunan ibu kota
diantara rerumputan liar
dan kehangatan sentuhan
telapak tanganku yang kasar.

Ayo, pergi bersamaku.
Aku akan membelikanmu
baju bekas dengan brand ternama
dan memakaikanmu kacamata hitam
untuk perjalanan yang panjang nantinya

Ayo, pergi bersamaku.
Sini, ke mobilku.
Tapi, kenapa kamu hanya menatapku?

Aku terbakar dalam diam
Dengan detak jantung kencang
Dan kekuatan menghilang

Kesunyian di dalam diriku ini
Tak mempunyai ketenangan
Ia memberontak, membising,
Menjatuhkan serpihan kaca
Dengan tangan lantang

Aku mencoba berteriak
Tapi tenggorokanku menolak,
Seolah dicekik oleh tangan hitam
Yang mengingat mimpi buruk malam.

Saat dunia menuntutmu, yuk duduk sebentar.

Mungkin kamu lelah dengan tuntutan orang tua mu yang bercita-cita supaya kamu mendapatkan nilai tinggi, atau beban tanggung jawab yang memberatkan pundakmu, atau tuntutan duniawi yang selalu membuatmu resah dengan masa depan, atau melihat kanan kiri ke mereka yang sudah berlari kencang di depan.

Mungkin kamu takut, apa yang akan terjadi di masa akan datang? Apa kamu akan lulus tepat waktu? Apa kamu akan mendapat kerjaan? Apa kamu akan mendapat pasangan?

Sudah, kamu sudah berusaha keras.

Yuk, duduk dulu. Sini bersinggah denganku sambil minum kopi hangat dan menikmati malam yang dekat.

Saat mentari tiba, ayok kita mencoba lagi bersama.

It was 9 pm, and the air was cool as steel.
I breathed in and out, just calming my thoughts,
But a sudden surge of thunder shook
My body like the end of the world,
It shattered my whole soul.

I breathed in and out,
Breathed in and out.
The thunder lasted for almost an hour
But when it stopped,
I just waited another day
For it to reappear
Again.

“I'm a mess”, he said, eyes so hollow
that I barely recognize him at all. “I'm the most pathetic human, aren't I?”

I wanted to say, no, you're not.
You've got the most alluring soul
that most angels would walk on earth
only to see you.

No, you're not a shack of mess,
for your heart is built of beautiful memories
and delicate love, for your smile
is worth to go war for, for your heart
is all I want to protect for.

I wanted to say—

“C'mon, don't be too sad,” I said while
elbowing his shoulder. “You're cool,
you know that?”

When he kept quiet, I continued,
“Well, she's not the only person
on earth after all.”

Hi, hello? Is that you?
Yeah, I've been looking for you—
A ten year-old girl who's got a crush
On the most beautiful boy in class,
But he's got a new girlfriend now
And you cry with your friends on
The middle of school field
Wishing it could've been you one day.

Hey, hello! Yeah it's me.
I've been looking for you too—
A nineteen-year-old woman who now
Lives by her own, being free and all,
Wbo can buy clothes and all you want
By yourself without having your mother
To worry about.

Oh, no, no. Maybe that's me,
Or maybe it's all just
In your imagination, dear.
I want to send a message—
Live and love and cry all you want,
You can repeat it again and again.
Promise me?

Why? I don't want to cry—
I don't want to feel heartbroken
By another stupid boys or another
Stupid school assignments again—

Oh, my dear.
It is much and much better,
Than having your heart cold as stone—
Unable to feel anything,
Even love.

I've been falling into
A deep black hole—
All alone and my chest
As empty as my soul.

I want to shout
But no voice comes—
As if my throat
Has been tied hard
To a rope, as if
There's no one in the world
Who pass through.

I wake and sees the white wall
It was just a dream but
Tears washing across
my damp cheeks
And dried lips 'cause—

There's no one in the room and
I am still all alone after all.

It feels like home
It feels like prison

It's a place where I grow
But it's also the place where
The shouting of my parents
Echoed throughout my room,
Where I held my brother, telling him it's going to be over soon.

It's a place where I play and sing
But it's also the place where—
My mother's new boyfriend pushed
My brother to the ground, him bleeding
And crying and shouting and begging
For forgiveness as if it were his fault,
It's the place where I shouted for my brother but all I got was a ****** smirk from the new boyfriend
And I felt a sudden disgust sending
Throughout my skin.

It's a place built of dark days that seem no end,
But now it's just a shack of woods and *****.

Your name is all I pray on dawn worship,
Wishing you all well is all I need,
Hoping you to be in peaceful state,
Praying that you will get through your obstacles.

Sometimes I dream,
Of holding your hand,
Of laughing beside you
When the sun rises,
Or seeing your smile
On your cool face.

But when I see you,
I can't help but be quiet,
Passing through without
Saying hi,
'cause you're just too cool
To be mine.

How is it that you're so far, but
Yet so close? I want to be seen
As the girl who catches flies, not
The girl who runs for the moon.

How is it that you haven't noticed
My soul? Even though I've been dancing and singing ahead you,
Dressing silly like most girls, with heavy make-up on?

How is it that you never put a glance
On my face? As if I were a fly passing
Through, or something you disgust
Much?

I want to be seen as the girl
In the magazines, or the girl
Who's got thousand dollar shoes, or the girl everyone loves.

But I'm just a debris to you.

He loves the sun--
but it melts him down.

I feel like the color black
in a sea of colors--
soaking self with fraud soul
but the rain cleans my whole.

Maybe it was the smell of
roses in the air, or his smile
that shines delight and fair.

Maybe it was his laugh
or the brown-leathered
jacket he wears,
or the black boots
he likes so much.

Maybe it was his hand,
the delicate sensation
when it touches mine,
or his shiny eyes
when I tease him
too much.

Or maybe, maybe
it was his whole soul
and existence
that warms my heart.

I love the way the flower blooms
In my garden, like a thousand hopes
Sprinting out. It reminds of my home,
Of tweeting sounds, of the tick-tack-toe
From my grandfather's cane, or the
Old songs he used to sing.

I love the way the hot breeze
Whispers onto my ears. It reminds
Of summer days in my room,
Watching movies or listening to
Pop-indie songs, and the smiles
Of my old lovers in middle school.

The moon reminds me of you;
It stands proud and high,
Alone in the dark,
Yet charming enough to catch,
The stars to hold and lean.

Fortunately,
I'm one of the stars.

Disana,
Diantara bisingnya kerumunan kota,
Aku berdiri sejenak,
Mendengar alunan musik mengendus sajak.

Beberapa pasangan mata menoleh,
Menutur, menyinyir,
Mengikuti bayangan dosa lama
Yang telah tenggelam,
Dilahap oleh manisnya senyum
Dan tawa para badut malam.

Lepuh, rasanya.
Lilin-lilin yang menginduk di kulitku kian meletih
Teriak pedih tak kunjung hari
Terhambur sudah harapan palsu ini.

Please don't stop
sauntering around
For each step you take
will be the quickest ride
to heaven up there.

For the tears you hold
and the sorrow you face
will vanish, and be replaced
by the dazzling sunlight.

I am the queen of my kingdom
the knight of my castle
the protector of my realm
and I will not let anyone
destroy what is mine
even my soul.

I want to escape-
and dream with the stars.
wrap my naked soul
with the warm night sky.

Sometimes, happiness isn't found within us.
It's the slow music flowing through the air
Or the smell of tea when the morning came.

Sometimes, happiness isn't found within us.
It comes as our loved ones laugh
Or the delight expression of an old friend.

Sometimes, happiness isn't found within us.
It sparks as we send a gift to those in need
Or when we make jokes that sound pretty old to our ears.

Sometimes, happiness isn't found within us.
It's the smile of others
When we appear before their doorstep
Or the warm hugs they give
And the soft whispers they make.

A boy with shiny eyes once asked: How did that fearless warriors meet? / and I said with pitiful smile, it started like this:

The world sighed and they were born with tragedy running in their hellish veins, / weeping at the glowing moon, the sleeping sky and the shooting stars. / Between bloodied knuckles and streaming tears and trembled hand. / They were taught of breaking hearts and souls, since there were no kisses since born.

They met and the angels shrieked. / Her eyes were made of fading fogs and sleepless nights and it made him wanting to draw himself inside it. / His skin was made of battle scars and broken hearts and the metallic smell on his skin hardened her soul, / and it tasted like a sweet, sugar coated kiss in her mouth. / He became a wolf, crying at the hollowness of a lonely moon in the sky. She became a killer, breaking rules and all. / They grinned endless wars, dancing tip-tap-toe with naked eyes. / They knew they were not meant to be but they keep dancing anyway.

They kissed and the red lilies hissed. / The universe inside her cracked open wide, / he was just another visitor with haunting ghosts passing by. / He promised to tell her the stories of stars, / but God decided otherwise, / then she collapsed in his arms choking blood and left a last whimper behind.

The wolf boy howled into the vacuous air and the trees shriveled / "I am no devil but why is the world hurts so bad, / its blood showering my skin and it makes my flesh burning the light." / One of the ghosts inside his head replied / "There is never a bright sun in your heart, darling. / You are made of darkness so void ran throughout your veins."

I. Be brave and have a journey to the darkness within. Use your matches as weapons and knives as swords, for his weakness is light and light only, fears by the thing that make him sink into the nothingness of the unforgiving world.

II. Do not sing nor whistle, for he is afraid of quietude and silence. If you sing lullabies, he will be right ahead you in a blink. He's all alone in the darkness and need more friends to play with skeletons. The emptiness within his chest is unbearable, more vicious than ever.

III. Do not trust the whisperers in your head, even if they give you visions of beauty and the dream of world you yearn of. Do not let them control your mind, for they will crush your skull, scratch your skin like paper.

IV. When you see an innocent child with curious eyes. Do not come to it. I repeat: do not come near. If it recognizes you, you run. You run and run and run until your throat chokes and chest jolts. Do not look back. Do not stop. It will blame you of bitter mistakes and haunted pasts, and the ghosts will stay with you even if you scream hard.

V. If you've been in the darkness for too long, come look at the mirror.

VI. The monster is in you.

My sadness isn't beautiful
It doesn't invite a boy
With galaxies in his eyes
And flowers in his lips
Unlike the romance told me

My sadness isn't beautiful
It made the hole out of you
Sink by darkness
That won't let you go

My sadness isn't beautiful
The darkness inside me
Whispers death
But the tiny voice in me
Screams survival

My tragedy isn't beautiful
As Shakespeare and poetry told me
And when I screamed for heroes
No one came
So I had to
Become one