Well I'm here .... It's grose and ***** ....
My job is crystal clear!!!

I need to get this place back in shape...
I can't believe they live like this...
Like they're in the jungle living like some ape !!

I can't stand dirt and clutter and yucky grose walls....
I'm a germaphobe and cleanliness calls!!

I know you hate me and I wish that wasn't true.....
I would do anything on this earth just to be with you!!

But that wont ever happen since you think im a ****.....
so my search never ends and im always on the hunt.

The time has come I can no longer try
As much as I don't want to I have to tell you goodbye

I've tried to get you to at least be my friend
I've also told you thst the way we left each other last we 'll be able to mend!!

I need to work on myself before I can love another
I need to quit my dependencies or I will never achieve the other!!

I have an idea on how to do it and just need to figure when I can and where I'll stay,.....
All I know is I hate this and can no longer  continue to live this way !!!

i guess he did win...

*** i miss you so much&

i wish u were with me making me sin.

how can a few weekends for a few months mean anything?

how can you end up liking the person who was there to mess with your mind?

How can i care for someone who  is half my age?

how do i stop this hurting and endless ache i have for you and your return?

i suffer from depression and its always been that way...
prozac work best but have side effects that i dont like...

I was always thin when i was younger up until my brother died..
When he died i gained like 30 lbs *** i was so upset and missed him terribly. I also didnt have any friends close by that i could REALLY talk to...(she lived 6 hours away and was going thru stuff with her new man so i didnt want to bother her.)

I so wanted someone to talk to about all my woes but couldnt afford it.
So i masked it with what i could afford and what ive always masked my pain with..

I was molested by my moms ex husband when i was like 4 - 8 yrs old.
I used to imagine myself floating on the ceiling and years later found out why when I read a book about children who are abused weither its physical, verbal, or ******. It said in the book that children who are abused will usually either put themselves into the wall or floating on the ceiling...when I read that I felt so realieved *** I always remembered myself doing this but i didnt understand why i remember doing that.... I thought I was crazy or nuts or had special powers.
It also said that kids who are abused in any of these areas are more likely to drop out of school, commit crime and or do drugs, or all of the above.

Because Ive been an addict and I dont know why.I have gotten into trouble before and i did drop out of school.

I wish I had'nt  done any of them, much less all 3!!

When I was younger I loved to listen to music. I still do. It was like my best friend *** it didnt let me down and wouldnt leave me.....it was always there whenever I needed it and there was a lways a song that could explain EXACTLY how I feel.  My brother had an obsession with it as well and he would like rock or pop his head to the beat.

When my brother died....I felt so lost and so alone...Because only a few people in my life have ever loved me for me.....i guess its unconditionally!!

One was my bro...the other is my son Todd... and the other is my best friend in the whole world and her name is Yvonne but I call her Bon Bon.

They have always accepted me for who I am and dont judge me at all...
They just say "thats the way she is you either like her or you dont".
Because I am very blunt, honest, i dont candy coat things...Alot of people dont like that.....but there are others that think its fine. Its just me.

But anyway....I had a boyfriend when he died that ripped him off before he died and I was so mad at him for doing that...It caused alot of term oil in my family over that. I used to go see my brother ever week and Id stay for at least one night if not both nights and id cook him food and do his laundry (he was kind of disable *** he had a rare case of gout and it made him most of the time wheel chair bound.)and just visit with him...we were really close and when the boyfriend did that it made it weird between us...
and I didnt go see him for the last year of his life...*** he was thinking i was in on it with the ex (but I swear on my life may god strike me dead i had nothing to do with it.) which when he was really sick and in the hospital I mmade the ex take me to see him.

Making a long story shorter...
I at least got to see him twice before he died. Once when he was able to still talk and the other time he was so medicated that he couldnt. But the last time we spoke the last thing he ever said to me was "I LOVE YOU!" and Im so grateful for that....

But I gained weight *** i was so sad that he was gone and still am....

Now my mom on Oct 1, 2014 ..
was given the news that she has paincriatic cancer. Its not cureable  and its the most deadly.
Learning this has made me so very very sad even more depressed *** now Im going to loose my mommy.

It is so sad to think your mom is going to die when shes only 67 yrs old. Shes never smoked or done drugs and has like 2 or 3 degrees in stuff. She was the first woman in the 80s to have top secuity clearence at Edwardas Air Force Base. She was involved in the space shuttle flights (i dont know what she did but she was in the control room doing something) and the SR71 and the Blackbird aka The B-1 bomber. Shes so smart and doesnt deserve this...

I dont do the death thing well at all and i am a depressed eatter. I have gained some more weight learning all of this now with her....

I have been told that Im an UglyPig and will be alone forever from this person (******* really) i used to see and hes on here and is very mean to me talking about my appearance and my devices that i use *** i know of nothing else....

Some of us havent had the best childhood that was happy and wonderful with my true parents..
Some of us have broken homes and had to see our mom get beat up by the ******* who molested me for years...
Some of us didnt feel like we were loved or that we mattered ....its as if we were a blockage for my moms fun.
I know my mom loved my brother and my sister but i dont think she loves me....i think she tries but she just cant or doesnt know how...

My point behind writting this it to tell the ******* that I WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT, AND I WILL STOP USING.....BUT I DONT NEED TO HEAR IT FROM YOU WHAT A FAT UGLY NON EDJUCATED BORE I AM....
I HAVE NEVER SAID WHAT I THINK OF YOU BECAUSE ITS NOT RIGHT AND ITS HURTFUL AND IM NOT GOING TO LOWER MYSELF LIKE YOU HAVE AND BE A **** (LIKE U SAY I AM) LIKE YOU ARE BEING.

I AM GOING TO GET THIN BUT IM GOING THRU THE HARDEST **** IVE HAD TO DEAL WITH IN MY LIFE AND IM DEPRESSED BUT I WILL GET HELP AND GET THIN AND CUTE AGAIN AND I HOPE AND PRAY I RUN INTO YOU......

*** YOUR NOT WORTH WASTING ANY MORE OF MY MIND ON.

EXCEPT FOR .........

grow the **** UP!!!!!

Come to my friends for a fast repair....
Before I hit the freeway and drive down there !!!
My tire had a big bump ....
So I wanted to put on the spare which had no ****...
My friend went to change it and then I see....
Him looking underneith for reasons unbenonst to me.
He said it was leaking a lot of gas and I needed it fixed before it chared my ***!!!

Next day  I'm still here waiting for it to get done ...
I need to learn to change a tire so I don't have to go thru this again.... *** it's not fun!

Wow being sober for such a short time...
and theres so much I want to do and want to try....
and theres no way anyone can change my reasoning to why...

I want to help others who are worse off....or help animals who get abandoned by their owners and are dumped off...
I want to find a job that is world  changing..
to be of service and start alittle piece of the mending...

But I know I can only take small steps and not get over whelmed or it will all fall apart...just take my time and enjoy life and all it has to offer and learn to enjoy things like beautiful art....

its scary but fun ....just seems like life has had to restart.

I have 2 recient guys i was seeing....

One is old and should be  or act like a normal adult...

the other is younger and sort of wild and fun.....but a youngster..

the youngster acts more like an adult then the adult does....

How sad is that (for the old man?)

I wish you would have been mean
*** then those ties would be easy to cut clean...

I know youve moved on and sadly its without me~
Even thou thats not how it was  intened to be...

We had so much fun when we were together...
Doesnt matter now but i wanted you to be here forever...

I loved to cook and make food for you ...
I didnt even get to make the best dishes like i wanted to...

I hate that you and I dont talk anymore...
Not when you Become another person....
I dont like that and want that no more.

I want to talk to YOU.....
like we used to do.....


But I know you never will


and Im trying but its so hard to swallow that pill!!!

i need to forget abt you and go my own way.....
if u cheat once......youll do it again anyway!!

I DONT WANT SOMEONE WHO CHEATS!


(but u will be missed)

I hate when the holidays are here....
I wish you were sround since ur someone I hold dear!

I lope ur day tomorrow will be spent well...
When a simple  "hi " from u would make my day....
But who am I kidding ?
This isn't a wishing well!!!

you can say what you like or what like others to think...
I know how u felt and the things you feel about me....
it just ***** *** i miss you so much but since i cant talk to you ..
I will just have anohter drink.

I miss laughing with you....
I miss you pushing my hair behind my ear like you  used to do....

I miss you talking to me....
explaining certain things on how they should be,....

I miss having *** with you....
you were game for anything ....
there were things i did that I never do.....

but most of all......

I miss spending the weekends or my days off together.....
I miss you now and i know it will too be forever!!!

My best buddy for my whole life lives far away...
But, if I need her...she's there for me anytime night or day....

Today I went on facebook ad saw her post....
It read "today my daddy past away".

My heart sank...and I messaged her right away.
I said "Bon Bon I am so very sorry and I love you"

I left another message shortly after the first one...
adding that I am here for her and if she needs to talk or text any time day or night just give me a call....with her its always alright.!!

After that I sat down and thought back to when we were in grade school. Bon Bon and I were together all of the time, laughing and playing and going to the 'valley" or as we called it 'down below".
We did so much with her parents that my parents did ever know.!!

Her parents were always so much more fun..
They took us to Fredricks of Hollywood in Hollywood in the summer of 8th grade.
Never did tell my parents we went there.....to look at **** suade underwear!!

We did get into trouble if we did something bad...like when we got all drunk one summer day and they found us past out.....
Ya then they got real mad.
Took us to eat to sober up and then I went home......which made me sad!!

One summer I ran away.....stayed at her house...for like 2 months..
They treated me as if I was their own kid.....
Like theyde get mad at me for all of the stupid **** I did.


Mike Vallee....
Im glad you were my best friends dad.....
*** for me you were the dad that I never had!!
Miss and love you for ever!!!!

xo

mom ill forever miss you
you've always  been great
even though  I did a lot of stupid you really did hate

sorry you  had less then a year to see the me that should have always been,..
I didn't mean to be an addict always on the spin...

ill stay this way forever
since I promise you would...

I love and miss you daily
your always on my mind....


but in my heart...
my mom ill forever find..

I really hope my best friend is ok...
Ive texted her and messaged her and called her a few times today.

she hasnt responded back...
I hope shes is alright.,....
I hope she gets back intouch with me at least by tonight.

I know shes going thru something thats so sad....
I cant imagine loosing a parent....but i dont have a dad...(well step)

I hope each day is easier and she can soon again smile.....
but im sure it wont be for awhile.

always be grateful and and live to the fullest


never take things for granted and always be humble

spend a lot of time with loved ones especially your mom and dad......

*** one day they'll  be gone..

then youll wish you had.

I get sad when you come to mind....
I have wanted you for so long.... i hoped one day you would be the one I would find..

I have loved you for so long....
I never stopped loving you even when i had a 'toy' to help forget what brought my saddness on...

Even when hed be here....I still looked for you *** it was you who should have been there.
Not once did i ever stop thinking about you......
I knew somehow you were behind it all in some way too...

When john died close to 3 yrs ago.....
you were there to talk to me all the time...
making me feel better ....
getting the sun again to shine.

I wish it were that way now *** when my mom dies....
how will i  manage......  i ust dont know how...

You used to seem so much more compassionate and loving about life..
Now its not that way....
I wish i could go change it or so you can end it just hand you the knife.

Today is Thanksgiving and we need to be thankful,
but its hard you see....
since this will be my moms  last time for Thanksgiving turkey.

I am ever so grateful to be able  to share today..
and I will take many pics so I can always remember all she may do or say!

Its just sad to think that this will be the last....
but then again, one day too we all must pass!

My mom was told that she only has a few months left to be around..
And has been crying ever since those words left the doctors lips with too much sound!!!

I don't know how process this in a healthy way,
I must have been off work and missed the memo that day !!

It's so upsetting when a loved one does
Die when it's your mom it's ten times magnifird !!

I need to go and find a really good church....
Keeping the faith while I contine my search!!

My own child is in denial abt what's going on...
She can't even imagine my mom one day will be gone..

Sad truth is neither can I.... And when it does happen I will just break down and cry !!

I hate the ex hes such a *****......
I try and try to please him but cant understand what makes him tick..

hes mad *** I didn't turn on the light for the lizards...
if that's all he can find to be mad at me ******* bring on the blizzard...

I know hes not the one I want nor who I want to love again...
I know I need to find a new man one whos not such a ***** and gonna be so petty that they start a fight the minute they walk in...

im glad he showed me that I really don't like his personality....
I want someone who loves me for me!!!

To say that u hate you would be a huge lie
Truth is I never should have said goodbye

I know that u don't forgive me and would rather that I die
But the harsh reality is I wish I could still look you in the eye!!
If I knew what you meant to me when you were still here I never would have let u go because your the  one that I hold dear!!!

I'd give anythg to feel your touch...
Just wish I knew back then
*** now my words don't mean as much!!!

3 weeks sober and I feel good...
who knew being normal would make me feel so much happier.....I never knew it would.....

I just want to stay for ever this way.....
and just need to be cautious and take it day by day......

I wonder if u ever think of me in a nice way?
I wonder if I made a good impression on ur life?
I wonder if ur glad we hung out and that u got to know me like no other?
I wonder if u miss me af all like I miss you?!!??

I need new friends ... Ones who don't take my car apart then act like their helping me and doing me a favor and me being mad  is out if line !!! Ugh

its my birthday and in like over 15 yrs ive never been sober...


But I am today........finally.....can start doing things the way normal people do....
im just emotional and don't like that I get so emotional .....but I guess when you've lived one way for so long its hard at first .....but I will do it..
I have to.


But no gifts today.....only gift is to my self and that's the best gift of all...!!!

still sober just chugging along.,,,
never knew I could do it and sober and keep going on...

thank god the ex isn't bugging me
and pretty much has let it die as it is to be.....

im grateful for his help to get me this way.....
and will repay him somehow soon one day....

don't like how emotional it makes me'


but if sobriety is that way...
who am I to say differently....

It really is hard *** I do have love for you
Even after finding out the real reasons u were there for u kno who!

I kno u grew to like me alittle ...
It just ***** *** now we can find a way to hang out and meet In the middle!

U really did make me happier and brought me lots of joy
Just suxs now *** I can't play anymore with my boy toy ( jk)

I'm sorry I didn't tell u how u being there affected me
Maybe one day i will be able to but until then in my heart missing u is where u will be!!

I ache so bad for you...
I physically hurt sometimes !!

im trying to make things right with my life .....
eventhough I stay with my past....

I got another job and I start tomorrow.....
I am grateful to my ex......

he just needs to laugh and smile...
*** life is only for a short while!!!

One of my good friends had an operation to remove a syst on her ovaries !!
I just text her bro and asked how she was doing since that's one of my biggest worries !!

He said she's fine in recovery....
What a relief !!!
Hpoe there wasn't any cancer to be found *** they said it wouldn't be known until the syst is out !!!

I'm just glad that she is okay !!!!
Just glad it's over and now she can start to heal right away!!!

I wish I felt differently about either of you....
but the sad truth is ...
I can see the good in a lot that you do.

If he didn't die and you didn't pretend to be,......
the late king of pop then you wouldn't have ever met me.

If I didn't ever meet you, today would be grand.....
then I wouldn't have fallen in love with a man I cant stand.

You did bring me happiness and lots of joy....
to bad to you I was just some insignificant play toy.

If he didn't die and if we didn't ever meet....what would our lives be like today???
Im sure it would be a lot better In every single way.

I wish things that made me happy sometimes...
Didn't happen!!!

*** when the  aren't there any longer.... I'm so sad !!

I wonder if you'll think good whenever u think of me??
Did I leave a good impression on u or did I make u wish u never met me??

I'm glad that I met you!
I am not even mad after knowing what u were sent to do!!

I will forever miss u since u touched my heart like no other !!!
Just wish we could talk or text each other!!!

Since u won't I will forever be sad!!
But at least I have memories to reflect back on the time we had !!!

when I was asleep. my phone fell between the cushions of the couch.
little did I know it wasn't safe wedged in that pouch.

I had the skinny girl go under it to fetch it out....
only to soon learn my phone was broken and she wasn't able to get it out!

we ended up moving the couch to get it from the back,,,,
when it was in my hand the face was all broken and cracked.

now im sad cant even text anymore.....
im so depressed now.....
this week ***** for sure!

Ive put it off as long as i could....
going back to the ex's for awhile~
something i dont want to do but know i really should.

He is going to expect me to do certain things.....
but i wont want to do....
i may have to give in once a week but i will be thinking of YOU!!

Im gonna have to save up some money to be able to leave as soon as i can...
*** this is not where i want to be and he isnt gonna be my man.

as long as he's sober ..he is ok..
as i can usually get my way..

i just know that he is NOT the one for me....
just hope i can find the one that is to be.

How do u let go ....
Of somethg u want so badly tho?

I want to hang out with u again...
And this time I don't want it to end..

I feel so happy and comfy when I'm around you!
I hope I made u feel good too since my feeling were always true!!

I hate to think that's this is the end...
I want to go back and fix it!!
Redo and make it mend!!

I only wish you could feel how I feel inside my heart and just know how I think ......
I miss you terribly and hope one day our paths will cross again....

I know it was all just for fun....
but in my heart youll always be that one......

I know well never be as one.....

*** your too young and need to go your own path,,,,,

I just hope one day some place when your alittle older...
we'll bump into each other...

and spend a day .....
like we did....
when we'd meet and go have our weekend away!!!!

I had a dream about you the other night.....
and it ****** when I awoke and you weren't there......
*** I miss you more then you will ever know..

and it hurts bad.

its time to change and get things going right.....
just wish youd be in my life when im better to sleep with at night...

Im going there *** ive lost it all.....
my car and job and no place to live so he is my pick up on my down fall...

Well my car is in the shop and i cant get to work.....
if he was really liking me hed let me take his car to work...
but he doesnt *** hes just a ****.

But at least i will get my *** clean.....
just hope its done before he gets all bossy and mean.

almost 1 month clean...
I feel better each day....

and it seems things are going better....

guess its true you gotta hit the rock bottom to be able to rise up.

On days off....
home is where I like to be
*** everyones gone most of the time....

when I can think of the past....
when youd come see me!!

I really miss you so much..... I wish we could go back to the summer.....but we cant.....

but I do think of you every day....

and wish you  were still around to hang out with....

Theres nothing i can do to convince you that i care....
i wish you were still around so i could prove while your there....

Listening to him only brainwashes you....
theres nothing on heaven on hell that i woouldnt do for you...

I miss laying on the bed and just talking.....
you always had something intrestring to say....

I always thought you seemed older then what age u did say....
But some actions made me think ya ur young born in may.

I wanted to know more about you and tell you my secrets too
I guess that wont ever happen now.....

I just need to get over you.

Mons getting better *** I spoke of you....
she didnt shed a tear like she would ususally do.

I told her about a happy memory...
and I smiled really big at the end....
and she did she.

I wish you would come back but for other then revenge.....
I just miss you so much !!!

I promise to let you finish your storys and not interupt....
i will write it down so i dont forget what i need to say so you can finish..

I promise to be upfront and forever true.....
I miss you terribly and want you back ------


if you only felt this way too....