mom ill forever miss you
you've always  been great
even though  I did a lot of stupid you really did hate

sorry you  had less then a year to see the me that should have always been,..
I didn't mean to be an addict always on the spin...

ill stay this way forever
since I promise you would...

I love and miss you daily
your always on my mind....


but in my heart...
my mom ill forever find..

always be grateful and and live to the fullest


never take things for granted and always be humble

spend a lot of time with loved ones especially your mom and dad......

*** one day they'll  be gone..

then youll wish you had.

On days off....
home is where I like to be
*** everyones gone most of the time....

when I can think of the past....
when youd come see me!!

im trying to make things right with my life .....
eventhough I stay with my past....

I got another job and I start tomorrow.....
I am grateful to my ex......

he just needs to laugh and smile...
*** life is only for a short while!!!

I know it was all just for fun....
but in my heart youll always be that one......

I know well never be as one.....

*** your too young and need to go your own path,,,,,

I just hope one day some place when your alittle older...
we'll bump into each other...

and spend a day .....
like we did....
when we'd meet and go have our weekend away!!!!

I had a dream about you the other night.....
and it ****** when I awoke and you weren't there......
*** I miss you more then you will ever know..

and it hurts bad.

I really miss you so much..... I wish we could go back to the summer.....but we cant.....

but I do think of you every day....

and wish you  were still around to hang out with....

I only wish you could feel how I feel inside my heart and just know how I think ......
I miss you terribly and hope one day our paths will cross again....

almost 1 month clean...
I feel better each day....

and it seems things are going better....

guess its true you gotta hit the rock bottom to be able to rise up.

3 weeks sober and I feel good...
who knew being normal would make me feel so much happier.....I never knew it would.....

I just want to stay for ever this way.....
and just need to be cautious and take it day by day......

I hate the ex hes such a *****......
I try and try to please him but cant understand what makes him tick..

hes mad *** I didn't turn on the light for the lizards...
if that's all he can find to be mad at me ******* bring on the blizzard...

I know hes not the one I want nor who I want to love again...
I know I need to find a new man one whos not such a ***** and gonna be so petty that they start a fight the minute they walk in...

im glad he showed me that I really don't like his personality....
I want someone who loves me for me!!!

Wow being sober for such a short time...
and theres so much I want to do and want to try....
and theres no way anyone can change my reasoning to why...

I want to help others who are worse off....or help animals who get abandoned by their owners and are dumped off...
I want to find a job that is world  changing..
to be of service and start alittle piece of the mending...

But I know I can only take small steps and not get over whelmed or it will all fall apart...just take my time and enjoy life and all it has to offer and learn to enjoy things like beautiful art....

its scary but fun ....just seems like life has had to restart.

still sober just chugging along.,,,
never knew I could do it and sober and keep going on...

thank god the ex isn't bugging me
and pretty much has let it die as it is to be.....

im grateful for his help to get me this way.....
and will repay him somehow soon one day....

don't like how emotional it makes me'


but if sobriety is that way...
who am I to say differently....

love the ex for helping me gets sober..
but hate what a ****** he is....



do love for helping get right tho.

its my birthday and in like over 15 yrs ive never been sober...


But I am today........finally.....can start doing things the way normal people do....
im just emotional and don't like that I get so emotional .....but I guess when you've lived one way for so long its hard at first .....but I will do it..
I have to.


But no gifts today.....only gift is to my self and that's the best gift of all...!!!

when I was asleep. my phone fell between the cushions of the couch.
little did I know it wasn't safe wedged in that pouch.

I had the skinny girl go under it to fetch it out....
only to soon learn my phone was broken and she wasn't able to get it out!

we ended up moving the couch to get it from the back,,,,
when it was in my hand the face was all broken and cracked.

now im sad cant even text anymore.....
im so depressed now.....
this week ***** for sure!

I wish I felt differently about either of you....
but the sad truth is ...
I can see the good in a lot that you do.

Im glad that I got to spend the days I did with you...
even if now those days have long gone, bid adieu.

I am forever grateful that we had moments to share...
even though your not around now gone without a care.

You will always be one of my favorite summer pastimes that I had....
just wish it lasted longer  because loving you always made happy and that wasn't at all bad.

I know I can work him.....for what I may need...
but is that bad and for my own greed?

I do care for him but not like the others....
I don't want to be with someone "small" after the "bigger" brothers..

I know that seems shallow and kinda selfish..
but why try to reheat something that isn't a tasty dish....

I don't want to lead him on and I don't want to be with him anymore...
Been there done that....don't need to do what didn't work before.

I know that he isn't my love or my mate for life....
He isn't the one I forever and to become his little wife...

I wanted to love u but u only hate ...
That isn't a good mix when ur out on a date!

I have said it many times before
That I was so very sorry and wanted to talk some more!!

But u were done always said no
Just give me 30 mins if u don't like what I say u can get up and go

But instead u want to play with my head
And all I wish now is that I'd met someone else instead !!

How do u let go ....
Of somethg u want so badly tho?

I want to hang out with u again...
And this time I don't want it to end..

I feel so happy and comfy when I'm around you!
I hope I made u feel good too since my feeling were always true!!

I hate to think that's this is the end...
I want to go back and fix it!!
Redo and make it mend!!

Well I'm here .... It's grose and ***** ....
My job is crystal clear!!!

I need to get this place back in shape...
I can't believe they live like this...
Like they're in the jungle living like some ape !!

I can't stand dirt and clutter and yucky grose walls....
I'm a germaphobe and cleanliness calls!!

Gosh he's gonna be here in a non or two...
This is somethg I do t even want to do!!

But get sober is someth I have to do
I just hope that after that I can be friends with u

I know you hate me and I wish that wasn't true.....
I would do anything on this earth just to be with you!!

But that wont ever happen since you think im a ****.....
so my search never ends and im always on the hunt.

Oh no ....almost time to go...
I dont want to but this we all know..

I just  have one thing to say before I do....
I just want you to know that I will always love you!!

How can I just forget about you ....
when you meant so much to me.




I really did and still do...
honestly love you.!

Ive put it off as long as i could....
going back to the ex's for awhile~
something i dont want to do but know i really should.

He is going to expect me to do certain things.....
but i wont want to do....
i may have to give in once a week but i will be thinking of YOU!!

Im gonna have to save up some money to be able to leave as soon as i can...
*** this is not where i want to be and he isnt gonna be my man.

as long as he's sober ..he is ok..
as i can usually get my way..

i just know that he is NOT the one for me....
just hope i can find the one that is to be.

its time to change and get things going right.....
just wish youd be in my life when im better to sleep with at night...

Im going there *** ive lost it all.....
my car and job and no place to live so he is my pick up on my down fall...

Well my car is in the shop and i cant get to work.....
if he was really liking me hed let me take his car to work...
but he doesnt *** hes just a ****.

But at least i will get my *** clean.....
just hope its done before he gets all bossy and mean.

If he didn't die and you didn't pretend to be,......
the late king of pop then you wouldn't have ever met me.

If I didn't ever meet you, today would be grand.....
then I wouldn't have fallen in love with a man I cant stand.

You did bring me happiness and lots of joy....
to bad to you I was just some insignificant play toy.

If he didn't die and if we didn't ever meet....what would our lives be like today???
Im sure it would be a lot better In every single way.

I just wish for one minute that you could feel inside your gut....
how I feel about you....

then you would possibly know what an 'aching desire that yearns for another' feels like!!

God I just want to leave.... Seeing my car not running makes big time grieve!

I don't like feeling like I'm being a bother ....
I usually don't kick it this long one day after another !!!
I hate that I'm stranded  having to take a bus anywhere I go !!!
I just gotta remember this so next time do I ask for help?? HELL NO!

I need new friends ... Ones who don't take my car apart then act like their helping me and doing me a favor and me being mad  is out if line !!! Ugh

Summer was fun but now is gone....
I thought I was being nice and showed him I cared but I guess im wrong!
I won't ever forget him....
And will very much miss all the fun he brought me short lived as it was...
But memories I will forever have eventho all I want from his was his love!!
He was very special and will always be....
A cherished person eventho he always hated me!

Come to my friends for a fast repair....
Before I hit the freeway and drive down there !!!
My tire had a big bump ....
So I wanted to put on the spare which had no ****...
My friend went to change it and then I see....
Him looking underneith for reasons unbenonst to me.
He said it was leaking a lot of gas and I needed it fixed before it chared my ***!!!

Next day  I'm still here waiting for it to get done ...
I need to learn to change a tire so I don't have to go thru this again.... *** it's not fun!

I really do miss you as sad as it is true.....
theres alot of things i wanted to be and do with you.

now i wont get to *** your long gone....
and its my fault...
eventhough you were in the wrong.

I get sad when you come to mind....
I have wanted you for so long.... i hoped one day you would be the one I would find..

I have loved you for so long....
I never stopped loving you even when i had a 'toy' to help forget what brought my saddness on...

Even when hed be here....I still looked for you *** it was you who should have been there.
Not once did i ever stop thinking about you......
I knew somehow you were behind it all in some way too...

When john died close to 3 yrs now.....

you were there to talk to me all the time...
making me feel better ....
getting the sun again to shine.

I wish it were that way now *** when my mom dies....
how will i  manage......  i ust dont know how...

You used to seem so much more compassionate and loving about life..
Now its not that way....
I wish i could go change it or so you can end it for me, just hand you the knife.

I get sad when you come to mind....
I have wanted you for so long.... i hoped one day you would be the one I would find..

I have loved you for so long....
I never stopped loving you even when i had a 'toy' to help forget what brought my saddness on...

Even when hed be here....I still looked for you *** it was you who should have been there.
Not once did i ever stop thinking about you......
I knew somehow you were behind it all in some way too...

When john died close to 3 yrs ago.....
you were there to talk to me all the time...
making me feel better ....
getting the sun again to shine.

I wish it were that way now *** when my mom dies....
how will i  manage......  i ust dont know how...

You used to seem so much more compassionate and loving about life..
Now its not that way....
I wish i could go change it or so you can end it just hand you the knife.

I ache so bad for you...
I physically hurt sometimes !!

It just hurts to know u don't care...
And who even knows if even did when u were there ??
You forced ur way into my life and I didn't want u there...
Then u drop me like old news and walk away showing u don't even care!!

It's just breaks my heat *** u say u want love so bad and there's no one there....
But then when u had someone you use them and play with their heart .....
Like it's some toy
And toys break!!!


How do u expect to find and love someone when u do things like this!????

Why do I miss you so much??
I dream and long to again feel your touch!!
Why can't we at least always be friends?
Being there to talk to the other if we are sad!!
Just be able to reach out and help change their mood isn't bad!!

It's easier to do things if there's someone there to cheer u on!!
It's hard to do it alone with no one there and you want to give up and not continue on!

I just miss you being here...
Since u made me like you when I met u my dear!!!

To say that u hate you would be a huge lie
Truth is I never should have said goodbye

I know that u don't forgive me and would rather that I die
But the harsh reality is I wish I could still look you in the eye!!
If I knew what you meant to me when you were still here I never would have let u go because your the  one that I hold dear!!!

I'd give anythg to feel your touch...
Just wish I knew back then
*** now my words don't mean as much!!!

The time has come I can no longer try
As much as I don't want to I have to tell you goodbye

I've tried to get you to at least be my friend
I've also told you thst the way we left each other last we 'll be able to mend!!

I need to work on myself before I can love another
I need to quit my dependencies or I will never achieve the other!!

I have an idea on how to do it and just need to figure when I can and where I'll stay,.....
All I know is I hate this and can no longer  continue to live this way !!!

you can say what you like or what like others to think...
I know how u felt and the things you feel about me....
it just ***** *** i miss you so much but since i cant talk to you ..
I will just have anohter drink.

I wonder if you'll think good whenever u think of me??
Did I leave a good impression on u or did I make u wish u never met me??

I'm glad that I met you!
I am not even mad after knowing what u were sent to do!!

I will forever miss u since u touched my heart like no other !!!
Just wish we could talk or text each other!!!

Since u won't I will forever be sad!!
But at least I have memories to reflect back on the time we had !!!

I want u to use me for ur ****** pleasure .....
Make me beg and with u I will do whatever!!!

U were always so much fun....

Can I have one more day???

That's not much!!! Just one!!

Ive been thinking of how to do things to make a change..
Its just hard since I will have to go out of my normal range.

But I need to do something *** living like this isnt fun anymore...
I want to live a life free of addiction....which wont be like before...
I want to be happy and live life to the fullest and all it has in store.

I think about it and that makes me feel happy inside..
I may as well do it.....if I dont like it then at least I tried.
Its gotta be better then sitting alone each night and have cried...
I know it will be better  and it will give strength and restore my pride..

I want a life for once and I cant get it this way.....
So I am going to give it a try.....
I love myself enough to  do this and I will continue to pray.

One of my good friends had an operation to remove a syst on her ovaries !!
I just text her bro and asked how she was doing since that's one of my biggest worries !!

He said she's fine in recovery....
What a relief !!!
Hpoe there wasn't any cancer to be found *** they said it wouldn't be known until the syst is out !!!

I'm just glad that she is okay !!!!
Just glad it's over and now she can start to heal right away!!!

I really hope my best friend is ok...
Ive texted her and messaged her and called her a few times today.

she hasnt responded back...
I hope shes is alright.,....
I hope she gets back intouch with me at least by tonight.

I know shes going thru something thats so sad....
I cant imagine loosing a parent....but i dont have a dad...(well step)

I hope each day is easier and she can soon again smile.....
but im sure it wont be for awhile.

My best buddy for my whole life lives far away...
But, if I need her...she's there for me anytime night or day....

Today I went on facebook ad saw her post....
It read "today my daddy past away".

My heart sank...and I messaged her right away.
I said "Bon Bon I am so very sorry and I love you"

I left another message shortly after the first one...
adding that I am here for her and if she needs to talk or text any time day or night just give me a call....with her its always alright.!!

After that I sat down and thought back to when we were in grade school. Bon Bon and I were together all of the time, laughing and playing and going to the 'valley" or as we called it 'down below".
We did so much with her parents that my parents did ever know.!!

Her parents were always so much more fun..
They took us to Fredricks of Hollywood in Hollywood in the summer of 8th grade.
Never did tell my parents we went there.....to look at **** suade underwear!!

We did get into trouble if we did something bad...like when we got all drunk one summer day and they found us past out.....
Ya then they got real mad.
Took us to eat to sober up and then I went home......which made me sad!!

One summer I ran away.....stayed at her house...for like 2 months..
They treated me as if I was their own kid.....
Like theyde get mad at me for all of the stupid **** I did.


Mike Vallee....
Im glad you were my best friends dad.....
*** for me you were the dad that I never had!!
Miss and love you for ever!!!!

xo

I want to hug you and gives u kisses
But the empty hole inside isn't gonna be filled with love ...it only gets stitches!!

I do miss you but u didn't care
Guess I was just another number ....just a nameless body for u to do what u want with,
Whatever u  dare!

I really thought we bonded in some ways...
Guess I am wrong since u don't talk to me at all these days !!

U will always be one my heart will forever want!!!!
Just ***** *** ur ghostly memory will forever  taunt!!