and oh, I'm a man
I'm a man and I dance but oh, please don't love me
oh, please don't
oh please, I'm no good anymore, I've gone and spoiled
and I've swung from the trunk of a war elephant
and that's all I have anymore, oh
to find love in this town requires a bottle and perhaps a lighter to find me

All hail the king.

Alright, now, son, back down, don't get excited, don't push, stop shoving, you're fine, get up, keep walking, don't make me do thi-

From birth
he was different
from birth, he was blue, he was ice
he was odd, he was funny, he walked, he talked, he ate funny
he received soap, notebooks for school, he wrote things
he laughed, and he wondered
at age 12 he received his first laptop
took him 2 weeks and he crammed it full of poems
he crammed it full

All hail the king.

Fast forward, 10 years, where is he now
22 years old and he hasn't wrote a thing
he hasn't felt a thing
Oh, lord, please forgive me, an artist life is short, an artists li-

All hail.
All bow.

Don't forget, when he's gone, please, don't forget when
when he's gone
Because all the time spent staring back
at gas-station bathrooms can't have been for nothing
the dissection, the logic, the hate, must be remembered
an artists life is short

All hail the king.

Why does everything on a train seem to belong in an English soap opera?

When it comes, you hear
You hear
une , deux , trois , quatre
and think of the stars, the bits floating above me because they have no home
because we are all thunder
and stardust.

For I am weary
and grimy
and ridden with holes and
I cannot seem to calm
my mind
Enough to sleep
With thoughts of you
And
Thoughts of them
And the sweet smell of tea
With thoughts
Like animals
Chasing round my head
Filled with
Images
Of my mother crying
Because I had lost
My life
Once again.

I have never met one, who spoke,
with such a velocity as this one did,
with storms flying from his lips.

Blissfully, I recount,
his eyes as grey as the sea,
blissfully, he spoke,
vibrations shoving insects aside
to push his words to me,
as a storm does, as a storm does

Rain, beating on his window,
shocked him awake and in turn, horrified me,
gathering thunder to himself as if
he were Zeus's favorite, his shivers shaking the house,
as a storm does, as a storm does

and one by one, we traveled alone,
with winds adorning our heads,
and bit, by bit, he gave himself,
to me, as though
I could save him
as a storm does, to a port,
as a storm does.

sun
has never meant
much to her
she's always found solace
in the ash of the clouds
like the ash
between her teeth
and she surveys the wreckage
of what once mattered
and doesn't anymore
because she stopped caring
and this
has come
from the hell
we endure
for just
one more kiss
these clouds
and the sunburn that can still come from between them
and she's always wanted to see the zoo in winter
and he promised she would
and he never took her
and now he's gone
into the ash
leaving nothing
but a whisper
behind to tell her
"remember."

My body may be a battleship, but you truly are my general,
And if I fail to protect you, sail me into the sea,
If I break rank, if we all go down, know that I am not afraid,
Know that from the first moment this was my goal,
Know that you are my prize and my award,
My judge, my jury and my self-appointed executioner,
If this is love, then love is a war.

and I feel alone
and I am alone
I'm alone
and the walls are closing in
and they're shrinking under pressure
and there's blood on your sheets
from the glass in my bed
and your heart
was beating in my hand
before it died
alone
and pained
and she didn't mind
and I did
so I left
and I regret that
thankfully
I'm still here
but its so cold
I'm so cold
I just
I want
I want to be warm
and I want to be alive
and I don't want to be broken
and you should have been kinder
and you should have been there
and you should have told me
and you should have loved me
and you didn't
and I suppose
that's my fault
and I miss
I miss the warmth
I miss you
I miss you
and the ******* moon
tried to convince me
that you were right
and I
I believed it
and I believe it
and I miss
I miss you

is there anything
that separates me
from a common disease
because all we do
is infect
and ****.

and as I extinguish my candle,
as anguish, darkness creeping crawling in along my floor,
spilling out over the wood like fog,
my mind wanders,
as an attempt to banish the darkness,
before suddenly, my mind is gone.

'cause I'm made of naught but clouds,
just clouds, just clouds,
fluff and bits of string and stuff, floating around in an empty brain,
beautiful captain of a cloudlike ship,
nothing but tears from here on,
from my quiet eyes,
clouds eyes

Shake me to my core
because buildings cannot withstand this earthquake
and I won't fight it
anymore.
The cigarette filters on the second floors don't fight me
anymore. (Oh, how I would love to be the cigarette between your lips!) Because
I have given up
on cleaning myself up
because I am lost.

we have words we shared
and now
I cannot think
of coffee
or of mysteries
without you popping up between my eyes.

Have I ever watched ink spread through water,
black fade into white,
contrast sharpening focus until all that is left is blurry words?

We sat down together, and she began to ask questions.
"Age, age is a funny thing, is it not?"
"Ah, yes. My lover, my mental cannibal, she is 18. Or was. I think she's dead."
"Keep going, friend."
"About what?"
"The thing that eats your mind away. I have one too. Did she wither away?"

I shift in my chair, uneasy. The pit of my stomach begins to ache.

"She disappeared. She was sick, you see, and one day, she simply disappeared. Oh, I didn't give up there, I try to contact her to this very day. It's the not knowing that eats at my skull."
"What part eats at you, her absence or her presence elsewhere?"
"Her absence."
"Do you speak?"
"Love is too cruel to want to have it again. We used Skype."
"Ah, real person."
"As real as I am."
"That's a statement too profound to mean anything and to meaningful to not mean anything at all."
"In the end, I'm only as real as I want to be - which is to say, a ghost, nothing more and nothing less."
"Everything is nothing. Projection. What did you talk about? Did she love you too?"
"We talked about everything. The universe and life and love and ***. I like to think that she loved me."
"What was she sick with?"
"I don't remember. But she was so beautiful, as she coughed and hacked and still smiled when she saw me."
"Did she name you Goat?"
"No. I named myself that, because I eat everything until I am left alone in a pile of my own filth."
"Is she still there? Do you still hear her?"
"I hear her voice, her laugh, everywhere. I miss her. Every part. I miss it when I did something stupid and she laughed. I miss her eyes when she read one of my poems. I miss hearing her sing out on the stairs. I miss her wild hair."
"Pain- write about that, write about relief."
"The only relief for me is death, and I'm not that desperate yet."
"Ah, desperate to end this suffering? Write about death and write about love and life and addiction and form and state and *** and senses."
"It feels like so much longer than it has been. Everything moment is a lifetime. In fact, it must've been. It's inhumane, this suffering."
"I think you mean too human."
"Perhaps."

You can break me down
to what I am
at my very core
and I guarantee
you will find
nothing.
because every day
that passed without you
tore a little piece from me
and now I'm left alone
standing in the rain
and I don't know where to go.

It's a dark morning
Today
I can smell the ozone
It's a dark
Morning
Today
I can smell the pavement, the pure city
inside me, as if
As if I can be cotton
But it's a dark morning
and I should have been asleep
and I'll remember those storms til the day I die
til
the dark I die
I'll remember
that
dead morning
that dark mourning
like the pouring rain
dark morning.

lay down in bed like I'm in my coffin
feel my bones, whistle rattle and shake
Drop my hand on the table like I'm all in
Got all hands on my heart to break
Steal the soul out my world with a silver tongue
pull the plug on the day the world aches
can't ever forget, they all tell me
"Least you're still young"

Is it okay
if sometimes
I can't tell the difference between
you and me
the places that separated us
have gone and disappeared
and now when you're gone
I am too
and I can't take anymore of this
I hear drums in the background
and it must be a sonata
waiting for me to conduct it
a pulsing rhythm
In and out
like the swell of a crowd
with the sweat intermingling
and I can't tell
who you are
you're just a circle
nothing but a circle
something fluid like the water
dripping from my shirtsleeves
in the dark
in the dark with no blue moon anymore
you took my blue moon
when you left
and you can stay away
because I can't handle this
I just can't
I can't live
with this solitude
So someone come along
and free me
from the mental

Im haunted inside
I wish she could come back to life
explore all over my mind
i wish she could come back to life
come back to my life
dance a waltz around my heart
and stomp all over my life
take who i am inside
turn back to who i should be
defrost me defrost me
im shaving every day
running
i think ive grown from this sidewalk
but i need sun again
or i feel like im withering withering
honestly
i dont want to move on. i want to
hold the back of your neck when i kiss you and
finish x files with you and
miss you again
if we are not healed by valentines i will
i will buy you what you wanted

I want to sail away from here
Into a mist
so thick
and so fragrant
I could swear
I could touch it
and it would be solid
in an island
in the middle of the Atlantic
in a bathtub
nothing too big, dear
I swear, just one more hit, go back to bed
something as solid
something new
something real
I need something real
to touch
to hold
something
someone
I swear, I'm losing it
I thought I woke up
from this nightmare of human existence
what kind of a God
could possibly hurt me like this
I want to sail away from here
in a little boat
somewhere far away
somewhere that doesn't matter
I swear I'm losing it
there can't be anything good in here
No, there can't I'm so lost
there can't be
this can't work right
why can't I talk?
No, I need something
to right
I need something to matter to me
I need an island
something solitary
I just need
a fog
let me have my fog

Because guess what? I cried.
I cried when you gave me a shirt. Because that's what Dads do.
I couldn't let you see me cry,
because that would be weak
and if anyone hates weakness, it's you.
Because guess what? You scare me.
I'm scared to death that I mess up.
Because guess what? I don't dye my hair anymore.
So you don't see me be myself.
I push down feelings and desires and questions and fight an oncoming storm of hate telling me I'm stupid.
I drink, and I do stupid ****, and I yell and I talk too loud and I'm afraid of drowning
and people see it and think, "He'll never be liked, look at how fat he is! How badly his clothes fit!"
because guess what? I'm scared to ask you things. I'm scared to ask for new clothes. Because guess what, dad? You weren't there.
And as long as I have fast food cups in my bedroom, you'll be there -
yelling that I can't do math.
in denial, scaring me, showing me your way
showing me your anger and how you can't believe you ****** me up
how you can't believe I'm scrambled like an egg
and how I gotta fight this, how I gotta fight myself because you're here
because I'm scared to fight you instead.

Once
upon a time
a little girl had a dream
that she was fading
losing
falling
and she hated it
and grew to have a
hatred
for ghosts
just like you
just like you
just like a star
something
quick
here and gone
in a flash
of purple light
and red fog
something to remember
but never to speak of
to hunt my ghosts
to hunt them down
and drown them
in smoke and white walls
something to hunt
nothing human
the deepest parts
buried beneath
a thousand
falling
shoes
and a basketball jersey
something hated
like someone I used to know
and then
with another flash
a streak across the sky
and the flick
of a lighter
like silver dripped on a wet page
like ghosts
in the mist
of a sad park
          with a sad man
                      and a very sad girl
because they have ghosts
haunting their heads
with a whisper
and a forgotten tear.

I am giving up on you
because you don't seem to care
you don't act like I'm here
and I run faster
because its muggy
and cold outside
and I can't even tell you
that i love you anymore
if you won't read it
if you won't tell me
you love me anymore.

my foot just clinked
two
empty glass coke bottles
together and it sounded like rain
rolling off your roof.

Everybody now!
Don't let me brainwash you
Don't let me brainwash you
Don't let me brainwash you
Don't let me brainwash you
Don't let me brainwash you
Don't let me brainwash you
Don't let them brainwa-sh you
You can let them be you
You can let them be you and live inside your skin
your wallet
your house
your cellphone
inside your
opinion
your death
your casket
your hate
Hate gays
Hate blacks
Hate countries
no wait
don't hate them
they're alright now
we can appreciate the ideas
oh wait
no
that's not right
don't like them, now
LOOKDOWNATYOURLAP
NOWBACKUP
LETMESEEYOUREYES, SOLDIER
DON'TSHOOTYET
and (so on) and (so forth)
c'mon, party people!

I opened up
my laptop
to send you a message
to say I'm sorry
make sure you were still gone
and I realized
there's nothing left to say.
You're gone.

Today
I said my last goodbyes. Today I
pronounced you dead.
Today
I told you I loved you.
Today I left you alone. I told you to
come back
when you wanted to.
but I want you now.
I want you now.
Come home.
You don't have to say.
Just let me say goodbye, before I go.
Before I go.
Please.

the aroma of the dead and dying
lingers heavy in my bed,
yesterdays shirt and tomorrows hate draped across a chair like falling flowers,
like the ones on my desk, picked
with joy and anger, but that has long since faded and wilted,
giving way to the dead and dying, like me,
wrapped tight in blankets,
clinging to the tiny voice of mother, on the other end of the phone,
repeating the refrain, the chorus, homage to the homesick,
"Everything will be all right, with time."

don't touch me
I don't want to feel you anymore
don't
come near me
I'm not your
boy toy
I'm not your plaything
I'm not
no
sit down
sit the **** down
I'm not going to hurt you
just
listen
please
I just want to talk
I just wanted to say goodbye
I just
please

ᴵ ᶰᵉᵛᵉʳ ᵍᵒᵗ ᵗᵒ ˢᵃʸ ᵍᵒᵒᵈᵇʸᵉ⋅

wake early
to the end of the world
wake
early
to the end of the world
as if I can hear this half lit world
alone
Because you
cut straight
to the ice surrounding my bones
And you were repelled by just that
as if I was supposed to stay warm
when you never gave me a sheet
you never kept me warm.

Feel alone, not broken,
head under the seas,
kiss the fish, my darlin',
come back to me, please

I, am, a treasure chest,
watch the waves, slowly crest,
kiss the top, baby steps,
Lead me to our new love nest

Don't you dare leave him here
Don't you dare
Don't you dare leave him here
She felt as if he wasn't even there
wasn't listening
was lost in an abyss
as if he didn't matter
as if he didn't care
and I told you to be there
but this world can't understand
the whispers of my breaking mind
shattering under the pressure
of the sea
When I crack
when I break
don't cry
listen to my voice
saying
"I wasn't okay!"
and each time I bring my fever to my lips and inhale
and let out a steady stream of blue smoke
I feel
inhibition
slipping away
in the rain
and if I run into the river
without help
let the thunder
stroke my ego
until I feel
important
again.

Narcissus gazed upon inky space,
dust reflecting golden starlight into his face,
and he sighed in discontent,
blowing air from his lips to disturb delicate ecosystems he had no place in.

there's no day
isolation
makes me feel at home
there's
isolation
in my breath
and I can't hear it
because chains are around her
chains are keeping me down.

There is always something
Peaceful
In the water
As I drop down, down
My voice soft
asking jellyfish the time
On my way down
Murky green silt
And rusty docks
And fishing vessels
All alone
Til I've hit the bottom
And there's no where to go
But to face my demons
Cause they sink like stones.

how can you expect me to talk you down from a ledge when I'm the one on it?

Just a little bit more, just a little more
pull her up and around and tie the noose
just a little bit more, just a little more
teach me to fly, it's so nice to be me
just a little bit more, just a little more
pills and drinks and shiny things, pearls and rubies
just a little bit more, just a little more
teach me to fly, it's so nice to be me
teach me to fly
just a little bit more

Bang your head against the keyboard until the fear fades.

if I was a light switch
would you leave me on
to always feel this way
to always feel as if I do not matter
because the sun is wandering and that is leaving me alone
with nothing but windchill to keep my company
and that is okay
I am okay with that
because it means
I can get closer
to the rain.

He stood at the gates
with a shot glass in his hand
and the tears of his wife
falling from his hands
and he left everything he had
at home
with coughing
in his lungs
cholrine
and bleach
and the scent of hospitals
and death
and desire
and he can't fight it
he can't fight anymore
her faceless lies and her weak
eyes
beating at her lungs
and he
leaves
it all behind
pushing through the gates
to find
something to live for.

Low oceans, sweet fires,
Bad candies, little fruit,
Bringing me back to earth, bringing me back to life
Riding on the backs of asteroids.

we're almost home
I can taste it
the fumes and the fire and the rags soaked with gasoline
and I can hear the streetlight hum
burning the ghost of a last cigarette
and I can hear the coffee
plink
plop
in your coffeepot
a far-off howl
and a mother lost her son
with the needle
and thread
and the system is gone
and I solve my problems like a monster would
with matches
but these scissors
feel heavy
and I dissected my brain
found what left of my sanity
and I ate it with a scowl
burning bright into the day
and the philosophies of ages past
wise men
and a single lunatic
breaking me
softly crashing animals into my head
and I bit at the fist
and frothed at the mouth
the other day
and it croaked at me
scorching my brain
eating at my health
I fear I am losing my mind, lover
I cannot remember the last time I cried
or that I ate
all I feel is a mechanical
clickclack
like I am clockwork
and I don't know how to feed
this need
inside me
I hurt my head today
a soft noise
No matter
I smell oranges
as I lose myself
in my work
and I stitch up the seams
the acrid taste of a cigarette on my teeth
a layer of smoke and wind
and this mask smells like I imagine she would
and that ends it
and I couldn't move on
paralyzed with a shrug
and my mouth tastes of kerosene
my mouth tastes of kerosene
my mouth tastes of kerosene
the blood in my house
surrounding the bricks in my mouth
breaking through the store
and I ache
and my stomach is sick
and my mouth
oh, god
what have I done
I ate her sanity
and I broke his back
with the symbol
of red
my only regret
you must think I'm mad
but no!
I am better than that
a ghost
long gone
leaving
only kerosene
in my wake
rock the back
with the squeal of tires
I must escape
Thunk!
of a heart dying beneath my floorboards
drying slowly
like a bubbly sea
amid a soft drink
there is a cafe down the street
and I think may
order some coffee
two scoops of sugar
two tablespoons of milk
why is my coffee red
why is my coffee red
why is my coffee red?
why is my coffee red
what i have done
cannot be forgiven, lover
wash it off in the sink
my god
they see me
they see me
****
they see me
I regret
nothing
everything
I am nothing
I had a friend over today
to show how normal I am
that i am okay
and I am alive
and we spoke
we drank wine, we ate a fine meal
It was a party
and soon i came to realize
they knew!
He knew! He saw the blood
and I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed my hand
and why are they still ******
and he found out
he mocked me
sat there in a chair
and pretended it was all normal
until I ached
and burned
and soon
oh, god
what have I done now
his sanity
it's gone
i ate it
He is sad now
I see him
and he is sad
I taste his tears
they taste of salt and crackers
and I knelt
and I sat down
and finished my meal
would a lunatic do that? Would he finish his dinner with his guest?
No, lover.
No, lover.
The voices returned today.
They told me I was worthless
perhaps they are right
and perhaps
there is a bridge not far from here.
Could the water wash away the blood?
yes.
Yes, lover,
it could.

There is no one I miss
more
than the feeling of you
crawling into bed with me
but there are no monsters,
but men,
there are no monsters,
but men,
there are no monsters, but men,
only us who cling to sinking ships
who wave hello and blow out candles
there are no monsters,
but men
only us who wish death upon ourselves,
only us, who punish, for punishing,
only us, who torture, for torture,
only us, who hunt, for sport,
there are no monsters, but men
and as much as dear Jordan attempted to clear,
he could not escape the men,
Hello, they sang, hello, he whispered,
thinking,
there are no monsters, but men
Dear Jordan, he fought, a champion,
Dear Jordan, with lions and fish,
Dear Jordan, who hunts, as pure as he is,
Dear Jordan, our own,
personal,
man.

Self-medicate to keep the hatred down
Self-medicate to keep the ***** down
Self-medicate to keep the sadness down
Self-medicate and pick your poison
pick the one you haven't tried for a newer
buzz
for a newer feeling
for a newer hate
self-medicate, extrapolate
miss yourself and all the hate
because the devil is mine today
the devil is mine today
to do with what I please
self-medicate and fall
a spiral
a helix
something familiar to feel the feelings
something familiar to feel the people cry
self-medicate to feel your mother cry
what am I becoming today, who shall I be
a dashing rogue who doesn't care, someone alone
a dashing rogue at the bottom of an ocean
with a portal to another world where I am normal
where I matter
*self-medicate

Pressure
is building
at the base of my spine and I can't feel myself hurt
and I can't believe that I'm here
I can't believe I worked for this so hard
and now I'm here
and all I feel
is empty
at the hero academy
just empty at the soft bowl for my brains and my water.