Sometimes I just don't know who you were or what holes of my memory should I fill you in.
It irritates my skin and scratches my throat.
How much did I love you for you to be this absent, to be ghost-like, almost flesh and bones that never were.
Yes, I'm grieving inside, but I love you even if I can't remember you.



- LynnAA

You could make me bald, make me skinless, make me boneless, make me ugly. You could shape me in molds of your choice, you could take out my eyeballs and my vocal chords. You could damage me whole and think you have won but you can never stop me from dancing - this is where I reign.



- LynnAA

World,
May you take
And give back as
Abundantly as we deserve.



- LynnAA

... You're alone in the jungle.
Don't wait, don't wish, you'll be deceived.
If you see a prey, attack.



- LynnAA

November rocks me to sleep and on every 1st of December, I wake up at 5 a.m. with a skin scarred by light that turns into fire and warms up my winter flowers... Well, I guess everything changes.



- LynnAA

Everyone is a little of something and a lot of something else.



- LynnAA

"Tickle me! Tickle me!" says the sky,
And the wind plays with my hair.



- LynnAA

My anger is so vulnerable, so fragile.



- LynnAA

Some people seek attention the same way they forcefully drink coffee to be able to **** in the morning.



- LynnAA

Is it about giving up, not feeling anymore, never having felt or just going with the flow?



- LynnAA

Today, as the wind started to cool down as I was going back from Beirut to my house, I sat in a cab, with the window wide open, listening to some oldies the driver was playing, feeling my soft hair revealing my face with my hand on my cheek, and looking outside the window.
I was at peace then, but I felt the urge to cry.



- LynnAA

A lot of women were smoking today.



- LynnAA

There's a thin line between freedom and freedom.
There's a freedom that you abuse and a freedom that you wisely use.



- LynnAA

I am all that is around me.



- LynnAA

... I'd like to stay up till the sun rises, doing nothing and everything, being nowhere and everywhere but I can't, because who I am not forces me back home.



- LynnAA

Usually,
If you had told me this to my face, I wouldn't answer.
I'd look at you and maybe smile
Or I'd look around you and maybe smile as well.



- LynnAA

Sometimes I wish I can miss her more than I do.



- LynnAA

Only then did I know that she could have been the one holding my secrets, that she could have helped me or at least listened - knowing that she didn't need any more secrets for her cancer to feed on.



- LynnAA

People die
But we carry on with our habits
We still sip 2 cups of turkish coffee 3 times a day
We still reunite around Sunday's meal
We still clean the dishes right after lunch
We still try to close our eyes and sleep
We still take cabs to get to our jobs
We still make little jokes here and there
We still drink hot cocoa in the morning and tea at night
We still sleep in our underwear
We still hug our biggest pillow in bed
We still wear the same perfume
We still nag about going to work
We still take naps
We still carry a notebook everywhere we go
Almost everything goes back to being the same
But there is this little something inside us, not a scar not sadness nor grief nor anger nor denial, but something that has twisted and changed, something that has cried and learned, something that can move a heavier mountain now, something that keeps us going with who we are.
Something like a storm, that destroys all the frail roads and all the frail apartments - a strong hurricane with all the winter's rain that blows away your clothes and makeup and washes you clean again.



- LynnAA

I miss you
I love you
Thank you

A presence can be so strong that when it goes you don't feel its absence.



- LynnAA



I love you
I miss you

Even if your face is bathing in sunlight, you will close your eyes and sleep.



- LynnAA

All that is blind, bites*.



- LynnAA

... My name can't protect you from each other anymore.



- LynnAA

...
No small football fields near us anymore.
No 2a.m. talks, lying on the grass, talking about the arabic language and listening to Alt-J's new releases, or Milky Chance's Blossom or Bruno Mars' That's What I Like.
No more passionate kisses as a stranger watches us, wishing he was you and I was on top of him.
...
Sometimes life belongs to us for momentary moments only.
And I'm happy that not so long ago, it belonged to me - once again.
...
And yes, nothing lasts, but if we can lie in new sheets again, or go on long car rides or ride your bike nowhere or meet for breakfast after you entice people's dilated pupils; if we could find our new bed of grass again with our same old music, we could make life belong to us again.
...
Meet me half way, D.



- LynnAA

...
I am a constant battle, but are you willing to fight with me or against me?
...



- LynnAA

All I hear them talking is blablabla, gibberish, sounds I don't recognise, letters I have never pronounced, words that have no similarity to mine
All I hear them talking is another language that sets me in a box of my own no matter how close they are to me, even if their skin is on mine, even if they're talking about me and I have no clue that they are
And sometimes I just love it, being alone in this crowd, being my own island
Now I know what Bukowski means
They remain nothing but a noise in my background that I'd wish, so sincerely, to turn off



- LynnAA

It is a sunset after a dance
A light leaking in in the morning on a bed that isn't yours
A child's happiness in the prairie
The first dip in the sea
The gradient line the sun leaves in the sky after it disappears
It is how the moon is always in the sky
It is late night rides filled with love after a very long day
It is dancing till you drowse, till you have no more feelings to give, till you feel the tear swallowing itself back into the ball of your eye
It is how the sea looks exactly the same on early morning hours and early evening hours
A moment of extreme tiredness and you can sleep anywhere that supports your head
A realization that people you care about are looking for the exact same thing you're looking for
A bike ride
The longest way home
A cup of vanilla latte
A cup of almond milk
A kind cab driver that would make a turn so you won't have to cross the street

It is all around you if you look closely
Happiness is next to you if you choose to see it



- LynnAA

Give me a puff.
Drowse me and kiss me.



- LynnAA

An ode
An ode to a girl,
Who fought, who broke, who lit fires, who went on
Who embraced old and new
Fear and courage
Mind and heart
Love and the lack of it
Forgiveness and kindness
An ode to a girl who wanted to discover the world
Who was contained in boxes and shapes
But she was curious
Her hands weren't hers
Her eyes weren't hers
Her hair, her nostrils, her lungs, her *******
Her mind wasn't hers
Her feelings weren't hers
Even her heart wasn't hers
What could be hers?
What can she be with all that she doesn't have?
She had to know
She had to be
So she left to where she only knows
She broke her box with all that she doesn't have to find what she can have
This is an ode
An ode to girl
Who went for the search of herself and haven't come back yet
This is an ode, a music, a chant
To follow that ******* her journey and be her tune until she comes back unrecognisable but true to herself



- LynnAA

I imagined it falling down the toilet seat, and I laughed.



- LynnAA

Yes, I am crazy.
I am a fire, I do things I shouldn't do, I don't listen to good advises, I venture here and there, I listen to everyone and talk to no one, I touch people I shouldn't touch, I get undressed inappropriately, I run away to places only I know of, I lose myself in a long car ride, I always take the long way home when driving, I go to the beach and stay in the sea all day, I cut my hair when a story ends, or get a tattoo, I build walls in people's faces and destroy them when I feel comfortable around them, I spend more money than I make, I hop into strangers' cars everyday, I wear heels and go for long walks, I take routes that lead me to people I love, I sit on the edge of mountains with my legs hanging, I buy dance clothes and wear them everyday, I play songs I fall in love with on repeat for weeks, I yell out of happiness, I laugh oh so loud, ...
I am crazy because I can't be contained
I am crazy because I am curious about this world
I want to die with not a single "what if I had the courage?"
I apologize to those I hurt and will hurt
And I love back all those who fell in love with me
But most of all, I hope I grow through it all
I hope that, on my death bed, I can tell every crazy story to my sons and grand kids and die with a smile on my face, die happy, with all my memories flashing back inside my head.
I hope I become a fire that eats everything it meets and grows bigger and bigger, without burning, without leaving ashes behind, only bringing heat to those who have been feeling cold for a long while.



- LynnAA

Dessine moi des moutons, des nuages, ou des astres, des êtres indignes, une atome de phényléthylamine, un inconnu dont je ferai connaissance, une lune gibbeuse en plein jour
Dessine moi, dans un lit, dans tes bras, sous la lumière des étoiles en une nuit d'une nouvelle lune, après une ****** embuée, après t'avoir embrassé, au reveil de mon jour d'anniversaire
Dessine moi tout ce qui te déclenche un battement de coeur
Dessine moi quand je fais battre ton coeur



--------------------



Draw me sheep, clouds, or stars, unworthy beings, a phenylethylamine atom, a stranger whom I'll meet, a gibbous moon in broad daylight
Draw me, in bed, in your arms, under the light of the stars on a new moon night, after a misty shower, after kissing you, after I wake up on my birthday
Draw me everything that triggers your heart
Draw me when I set off your heart



- LynnAA

Hide me in a man's skin and I'll show you what a woman really is.



- LynnAA

It is a moment of weakness
It is a moment where I forget to love myself for a fraction of a second
It is a moment where I recall the past to fill up an empty moment in my present
I do not want to go back
I told you, and I'll still tell you,
I would rather choke than feel again everything I have ever felt every moment I told you I loved you
No, this is not a goodbye message, it is not a love note, it is not about you, it is not me grieving
It is me, a year later, stronger, older, wiser, kinder, happier, freed and waiting for more freedom
Even so, I will always colour the center of my mandalas dark red



- LynnAA

In that moment, I was so happy to be here I cried
Then I folded some laundry, put everything back to its place, packed my stuff, hanged the keys on the front door and left.
My skirt felt lighter, played along with my legs as I was walking down the stairs.
I was lighter - my *******, my hair, my arms, my ribs, my sole, my toes, even my heart was lighter.



- LynnAA

I kissed the sun and the sun kissed every inch of my naked body.
At that moment I was only swinging, basking between spots of shade, a little mountain breeze and the warm feeling of the sun on my belly
And I realized that right now I am alone with myself, with no one to call me by my name.

A breath of fresh air, a sun setting already and a tear on my face - the day is coming to an end, and I would have to go back where nakedness under the sun is a sin.



- LynnAA

I take the decision to part from things that have never been a part of me



- LynnAA

I wear my night gown and go to sleep.
You were already sleeping with the moonlight leaking in, shading your traits.
I kiss your forehead and tuck myself under the sheets.
The next morning I wake up and it wasn't you sleeping next to me.



- LynnAA

I stop wearing all of the bracelets that remind me of you
I forget my favourite necklaces and I get accustomed to their absence
I wear a different perfume than the ones you loved
But sometimes I do still wear those bracelets that remind me of her
And I still go near his house whenever I get the chance to
Sometimes I even wear the scarf and the rings
And sometimes I still cry whenever I reach ecstacy
I sometimes still allow my mind to eat me up
Sometimes I let myself be extremely fragile to thoughts of you
And I remember almost everything
And I wear whatever brings me close to you
And I take off whatever I've set myself free from
But we are all susceptible to what was once a drug
We can all fall back into our past
And it's okay
Break down and cry
Yell out loud that you miss him
See his face when you touch yourself
Remember him till his face eats you up, alive
Do that
Do all of that
Then take a deep breath
And remember
At the end of the day, you only have yourself
Take care of your lovely self
Don't destroy yourself
Don't destroy your home



- LynnAA

And, sometimes, when I look back, I dont even remember how I got the courage to do it, yet I'm glad I've done it.
With all the pain I have inflicted upon myself at that precise moment, I'm glad I did it.
Because, today, I don't remember what the pain felt like, but I remember I heard my breath for the first time in a while.
I was alive.



- LynnAA

خدني ع مقهى يونس



لين اا -

What if, the secrets and answers lie in me?
I love myself,
I find myself,
And become enough for my own self.
No heaviness, no sadness, no ambiguous questions, no self-inflicted madness, no what if's, no imagining scenarios, no feeding sugar to my thoughts, no harm in being alone with my feelings.
What if, I am my sole saviour?
I would have to do nothing but redeem myself, because I should, because it's the law of the jungle - I get my own prey, I am my own alpha wolf, I lead my own pack.



- LynnAA