Insomnia, insomnia
Oh, how I loathe you so
You only come and visit
Every month or so

But you come uninvited,
Put monsters in my head
Oh, why can't you go visit
Another person's bed?

I’m counting the slices that left
And the ones that populate your body.
You’re a beautiful being,
An ethereal creature with life.
It’s a life that belongs to you and it’s precious.
You are worth something
If not to you, then to me
So make the effort to own your value and use your voice.
You need oxygen to breathe
And eyes to see,
So why wouldn’t you need help to get better?

Did you think you could hear me?
I speak calmly, but I'm screaming!
A tale of two people,
One happy, one sad
Will always be playing cat
and dog inside of me
My thoughts are their playground
My actions, their command
I am demented, love
I will always be tormented
By one arguing with the other
Therefore, I urge
Do not try to save me
For we will both fall

It’s different
Every time I arrive
I am alive
But it feels as if I’ve died
And the only roadblock is
Is my mind

I have phone habits
Are they the same as yours?
How do you talk when you’re nervous?
How do you act when you’re bored?
I want to see how you’ll move
When together, we’re alone
Do you touch skin to skin
Or peel back bone to bone?
What kind of cook are you,
The type that stresses out?
Can you relax in tense moments
Or do you freak out?
Will you be my rock
And will I be your stone?
One day we’ll wrote the story that, for now, remains untold.

I bleed a bit to find the words
I dig deep,
Uncovering things I’m afraid of seeing.
Maybe I should turn around
But for the sake of expression
And finding beauty in pain,
I will do it over and over and over
Again.

I’m spiraling,
Stuck in the void,
Flushed,
At the end of the universe,
Drifting dark,
Still,
Terrified,
Cold,
Guilty,
Alone,
Then a voice snaps me back
To the light...
But I am blind.

I wait for your reply
I am a puppy dog
Seemingly naive to the time passing by
But the tick-tock rattles to my very teeth
Please undo the collar
Unbuckle my leash
I wag when you enter, cry when you leave
What else could you want from me?
I need attention
I want to run free
Or, you could give me some affection...
Just hit send
And that would put my suffering to an end

I miss you so much, it’s unbearable.
You are much more than just a friend to me.
I love you.
I’ve wanted to tell you that for a very long time... Years, actually.
Please tell me you love me, too.
I can’t imagine my life without you.
I don’t even want to try, I know it’s impossible.
You’re everything I could possibly want.
You’re the only one I see,
The only one.

I hope you get this letter one day...
Soon.

How bad can I be?
When I’m safe and happy
Something crumbles apart
I start questioning myself
Am I a bad person?
Is this my fault?
Why am I like this?
Yes, the thoughts go away
But I’m afraid, waiting
For the moment when they’ll return

Am I so broken
As a mirror that has shattered
Every choice I've made was wrong
So with every move,
I crack some more

I think there is beauty in the fine lines
Hands that bend and crack
I never saw it there before
But something old is something new
I’m waiting for my own crown of wisdom
Youth is a treacherous heart
So I pass the many years waiting
For those many gray hairs, waiting
But until then I’ll just watch and listen
And maybe learn along the way

I remember
When my arms were sliced for a summer,
The summer I was sad
When I cried myself to sleep every single night
When I was a child, but felt like a failure
Yet you never knew because I smiled
I never stopped smiling for you to have your precious mirage
When you finally found out about my arms
You didn't help me, you only took my blade away and forgot where you put it
This is my pain not yours
MY PAIN
So don't you ever act like the victim.

They say you’re never alone
And the people I love say they’re always there for me.
Then why am I laying here, lonely, cold?
I could talk
I could text
I could ask for help
But, what would I say?
Would I even feel better?
The questions churn around in my head for so long that I become numb to the idea of finding out the answers.
So I’ll just lay here until tomorrow, keep to myself.
I’ll lay here,
Alone.
Alone with my thoughts,
But alone.

Please.
Tell me it doesn’t really matter.
If it does, it’ll break me.
If it did, I can’t take it.

Everything is bad
My brain hurts
My thoughts are painful
My brows are tense
My jaw is tight
My heart is fluttering
Everything is me

I have seen love
So quiet and so pure
Two people moving
Through their lives like
An intertwining silent dance
Not one word may slip through their lips
Or a single noise out the mouth
For they do not need speech
Or even touch
Just the feeling of a twin soul
Being kindled near

I don’t have the mental space nor clarity to deal with you, for I am mostly just like you
You make mists into fog and steps into mountains
I would apologize if the words didn’t make me feel so sick, and I’m afraid of falling, too
So goodbye or goodnight, whichever comes next
~

I rummaged around the attic and found emptiness
I pass the hours by filling my head with other people’s voices
Because silence is ice cold
They say it gets better
But here I am, frozen solid ~

It let go.
I struggled out of its pale, bony fingers...
I doubted and contemplated other means of escape, but I kept fighting,
Never giving up.
***** fingernails, bitten raw,
Was what I saw when it grabbed me in the hallways many years ago.
But I never stopped trying to break free.
Never.
I scratched, kicked, and screamed!
I scratched and hit,
And the blood of the hands just poured   Down,
Down,
Down,
Red thick blood.
And it laughed. It laughed in my face.
When this happens, don’t be startled or scared. Don’t give up.
Because when it laughs, it’s in pain. And
Finally,
Finally,
Finally,
It let go.
A month ago, maybe two.
Maybe yesterday or tomorrow,..
I stopped keeping track.
But I’ve finally been able to smile
Without the sadness holding onto me.
You’ll get there too.

I’ve had a lot of time to think lately, like most of us have.
I’ve had time to sit with myself, see myself through others’ eyes.
Am I really pretty?
Yes, look, there in that big, bright smile.
Those cheeks that are finally flourishing, they’re beautiful!
Your eyes, mouth, hair... unique, stunning.
And yes!
The body that brought you years of pain and sorrow because it didn’t fit a unrealistic mold...
It’s soft, shapely, something to look at. Womanly and natural.
This body that I have, it’s mine.
I have grown to accept it after years of self-hatred...
I’ve progessed this far and I won’t stop.
Next time you look in the mirror, look at yourself with kindness.
If not with kindness, then with forgiveness.
If not with forgiveness, then with mercy.
Give yourself a chance...
You are worth much more than you know.

I have sterile hands and a fragile heart
Tired eyes and heavy limbs
Stony stare and limp lip
I couldn’t want you anymore
And now I’m stuck staring at my bathroom floor
I’m a slave to your magnetic charm
A ****** for your magic smile
All these years, I thought I had a monopoly on your attention...
But now you’re hugging her
And I’m catatonic

this life is a fraud
people lie all the time
they live that way, too
18 was supposed to be
much more than this
at least that’s what
they told me.
yet here I am,
lonely.

If I killed myself tonight,
Would this stabbing pain inside my soul go away?
Would you have regrets?
Would you want to be close to me?
If I died, would you want to be away from me?
Then why do you say these things that make me cry...
You love me, but then why does it hurt
You hurt me
And I’m not going to end it
But I wish something would change

Something has to change.

it’s 2 am
a world I never get to see
i’d stay up all night for you
i love you