tears have colour

red
fresh tears created in battles
they gnaw away at the wounds
dashing away in torrents
uncontrolled
wild
draining and savage
mixing with the red rain
the acid of injury
the trail is ****** and raw
rubble left drenched
painted
then soaked to the core
the phase of red tears.

purple
here begins
the agony of the heart
purple tears
are razors
they slice
cutting away
at a mind left in tatters
shredding itself within loops
purple tears leak randomly
chasing the what ifs
around and around and around
on tilted merry-go-rounds
spraying centrifugal patterns
onto canvases previously untouched
the phase of purple tears

black
tears of black herald possession
symptoms of poison
the rot of insult
moral injury tracking through veins
distorting sight
and clouding the remnant mind
black tears ooze
sticky with regret and anger
they recreate battles
some that never happened
they fuel the movies of revenge
give off a cold smoke
that distorts time
they can shine brightly
creating the illusion
of strength and restoration
black tears are the trap
offering paths down perpetual loops
the phase of black tears

blue
these tears are tricky
they look normal
but carry the code of injury
blue tears are loaded with emotion
irrationally
they course away in silent sobs
leaving the DNA of injury
residue on everything they touch
unwanted and unwarranted
they track along the scars left behind
those barely healed from the red phase
blue tears are often habit forming pastimes
shoehorning themselves into the spaces where
the light has begun to shine through
chasing away the recovered moments of normal
they crave medication
and feed on isolation
they are needy fellows
and linger haplessly
the phase of blue tears

green
marks a turn in the path
green tears are productive
rewards for growth
indicating better days
more steps forward than back
sometimes they smell sweet
and are infused with joy
and in an odd combination with happiness
tactile responses to finding a way back
not to where you came from
but to where you are mean to be
green tears have no shadows
the come from a different origins
they heal pain while documenting memories
new skill learnt
converting dark to light through green
not easily replicated
a new born foal on wobbly legs
they take time to master
forgiveness is possible with them engaged
the phase of green tears

so explains the colours in the *evolution of tears



@journeyofdays

how was your day?
so, do you want the version where
I fought the dragons just after you left
fell off the cliff before coffee
was paralysed by fear after lunch
sweat an ocean
didn't speak to anyone all afternoon
curled up and waited for you to come home and ask...

how was your day?

fine. yeah, it was fine
how was yours?

@journeyofdays

tell me something
anything
I  need to hear your voice

@journeyofdays

anxiety is knowing I have laid landmines in my head

@journeyofdays

punches, lies, smears, deceptions
erupt  
and splatter onto the paper here on my table
heavy chunks of blood dark, fringed with greys
hate and sickness ooze from your pores
scenting the mix with sweet rot
stepping back
I close my eyes
only to see yours
and you know, I just painted your soul

@journeyofdays

to suffer like this is hardship enough
feel yourself drift away
torn from, the present
hurtling back into a memory
or the horrendous new construction of something dark that preys upon my mind
please don't leave me here
keep me close
tell me stories
keep me close
honour this bond
keep me close
I haven't lost my mind it just goes offline sometimes

@journeyofdays

...do not tell me
what I think or what my intentions are
you do not know me at all
what you see is true
but it isn’t all of me
there is so much still hidden
some things thought lost
as if passage of time removes their relevance
secrets and events held deep
in depths welded into caverns
there are sconces on the walls
marking the tombs for the living
you walk over them and past them
unknowing and uncaring with your presumptions
clipping your heels and stubbing your toe
on the rivets that keep them tethered.
preaching your rants
spin them wildly into screams
to keep you covered
in a fury of anger and hate
while I keep mine encased
held deep in a cold temple
with the pressure it might create diamonds

@journeyofdays

1

sky disintegrating
more wreckage
I can see it coming
after fall

2

displaced
detached
gravity no longer
after fall

3

fluttering flames
orange and yellowing leaves
briefly blaze
beauty disappeared
decaying
after fall

4

nothing remains
we stand unwavering
having seen the kingdoms
reduced to dust
after fall


5

parched soil
repelling rainfall
it runs away
lost to drought
after fall


6

do you really know
what happens
to our souls
the essence
after fall



@jobiranyc and @journeyofdays

oh to believe in faeries
the tales they spin
delicately crafted from whimsy in a firelight dream state
smudging history across pages that age as soon as the ink dries
making light of fallen natures
embedding them in predictable formats
mining the torment of dark minds
laughing at torture
giving deviance form
is this your literary influence
the study in deceit upon which you model
threats are now negotiations
violence has morphed into a minor disagreement
trashing a life is a misunderstanding
in keeping with the theme, that wart on your nose
no, it is bigger than you think
and the carbuncles
still obvious by candlelight
and people will notice


@journeyofdays

yep
team meeting
they can’t see me
but I can hear and see them
bored as…

I know they will see the analytics and
will know I was bored
disengaged
looking at other **** on the ‘net
bored as...

I know it is their first web meeting
but hell they are bad,
just talk people as if we were in the room with you
make it real please
bored as…

If they asked me what I thought?
will I tell them I wrote this?
bored as….

#thisjourneyofdays

understand now
that I ask too much
there is love
yes, it feel that
need to believe that it is still there
keeping me here, keeping us

the need, I can't define
it sits just beyond rational thoughts
sending emissaries for occasional negotiations
they seem to know the plan
but only reveal little portions
leaving me to ponder implications


it is a madness
following its own rules
******* up normal to challenge safe
making me rethink
purpose and what I am now
what we are and if we can continue to be


beginning to think this situation
is too big for you to handle
a sickness too strong
brokenness just too far gone
searching for the pieces
for long enough now, what we have found will do

changed
hardly recognise myself these days
no more curtains shading our thoughts
the clarity of what we have become scares you
it frightens the hell out of me
limits, we are moving beyond now

@journeyofdays

when we fall
we fall hard
tearing down stars
crashing through skies
grinding out craters with our feet
churning  through oceans
smashing mountains
blasting out deserts
running rivers dry
shifting poles
resetting orbits
disintegrating ourselves
with a passion that destroys worlds
and births galaxies from our dust

@journeyofdays

let me lie beside you
rest my mind against your back
I won't speak
only breathe in your peace

@journeyofdays

Tena koutou i o koutou tini mate
Hoki atu ki te Kaihanga
Ki te karanga o Hinenuiitepo
Ki te po nui
Ki te po roa
Ki te po kahore he otinga
Ko te tatau o te po i mua i a koe
Hoki atu ki te kaitiaki o te po
No reira, haere, haere, haere


Greetings to your many dead
Return to the Creator
To the call of Hinenuiitepo
To the large night
To the long night
To the night without end
The doorway of the night is before you
Return to the guardian of the night
Therefore, farewell, farewell, farewell

Māori farewell
--------------------------------------------------------­-------

Rest well my friend. *Koutou kua wheturangitia

@journeyofdays

before
during the rains
cascades thundered
relentless
even without obvious clouds
distant weather systems
fed the tributaries of anger and insult
capacity endlessly breached


substrate delicately formed over time by layered injury
the dam holds firm
for the most part
every so often, words seep through
coursing gently down the lee side
sobbing

a welling up occurs less often now
barely cresting
only when the pain returns
memories then tumble over
free falling in a riot of muted grey
streaming

so explains
an evolution of tears

@journeyofdays

assuming is consuming
relationships in spades
it makes a joke
of gentlefolk
and strips the truth away

assuming is consuming
civility
replacing it with fear
it stops our thought
makes talk fraught
and
...well basically screws  up everything!

@journeyofdays

spaces between thoughts
count for more
when the soul breathes

@journeyofdays

it has started
the slow drift
moving across land
******* at the seas
whispering across the earth
charming music from the stones
drawing power from the stars
moving minds
directing hearts
air hums
light crackles
building intensity
the gathered energy
pennants flutter the quiet call to arms
forming
procession

@journeyofdays

self dug potholes
tiptoeing around myself
personal ambush

#thisjourneyofdays

breathe it in
savour the slow pace of the cool
inhaling autumn mornings letting the particles tumble through your nose
fill your lungs, anointing your blood and soul
God, it feels good to be here again
and be overwhelmed with the simplicity

@journeyofdays

Find me
Take my six
Turn me around
Tell me straight
Stare me down
Stand with me
Hold me
Breathe for me
Love me
Fight for me

#thisjourneyofdays

frantic clicking and running down stairs
flinging books and coffee mugs
hissing steam from ironing shirts
scrubbing boots and packing bags
wrapping lunch and writing notes
doors creak and then slam goodbye
and so part two
of my day
begins with
quiet

@journeyofdays

peeling potatoes is a therapy
well it is with Nan
chatting about nothings
little weapon in your hand

peel them thick when you are angry
thin when taking care
rough when you don't give a ****
Nan: "I think we'll leave it there"

@journeyofdays

marked out
scars are deep
granulated
raised
hate designed this pattern of lace
body compensates for punches and kicks
pinned to soft pillows held with steel
bobbins twist and cross intricate designs
capturing events in delicate knots
infinite combinations
belying pain, tales, drama
to create a work of beauty
in silk and blood
triumph
you did not win
victory was mine
I wear the lace mantilla


@journeyofdays

these times of the year
when we quietly reflect
I think about who you might have been
taken before I knew your face
felt your touch
called you by name
before you saw light
and took your own breath

these times of the year
when we quietly reflect
I think about the times we shared
your warmth and love
the smile shared generously
and gentle touch
your stories and games
the wisdom and love

these times of the year
I think about the hope we have
that you are still with me
the promise of presence through time and space
and by grace we will meet again
to laugh and love, like we have ever been

@journeyofdays

These were never an option
never going to happen
we cannot change the past
why do I entertain the possibilities of what if?


Tempting me with an alternative
alternative what?
outcome…
was that alternative there when I was living the moment?
no..
what if ...dancing across my…


What if I…
said
walked
hit back
shook it off
didn’t buy into the lie


Following the path of
What if…
working through the flow
of choices
branches of
paths that will never be
can never be


What if is a...
madness
trapping me…
in the past
in a falsehood
in a maze with no exit
an infinite fallout
a theory of string


What if…
never was …never will

#thisjourneyofdays

spent so long
finding quiet
those moments between thoughts
calm the mind
still the pulse
craved it forever
the quiet
it has arrived
here
now
yet
all I want is to hear your voice


@journeyofdays

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

empty has no hope
deserts are formation
breath is shallow
cold is paralysing, heat without relief
utter exhaustion

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

empty has no hope
eddies progress in formations across the ground
scratching around in the earth
rivulets of dust fan out across the surface
grinding and polishing the soul

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

empty has no hope
profound nothing
only pain makes this real
but it is fleeting and empty seeps back in
there is no self-worth

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

this lesson has been hard
it has been lonely
the empty has been necessary
there is no point lower
now the ground is stable

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

empty has no hope
tumbling through a wash cycle of dust
and nothing
I have already died
been to my own funeral
mourned my passing, grieved for months
walked through a valley of half-life in shadow
and have come out the other-side

deserts are lessons
and I am not scared anymore

@journeyofdays

PTSD PTSInjury   #growth #lifelesson #PTSgrowth  #death #life

I. antemortem
from this place, further along this journey of days
antemortem, would I …
take the path
say nothing
submit to the pain
still believe it was worth it
avoid cataclysm
fight harder
not fight at all
believe in a higher cause
endure the torture
deny my nature
avoid the execution
accept the cup
walk into that storm again

II. postmortem
from this place, further along this journey of days
postmortem, could I
walk in that desert
get totally lost
live without hope
not haunt myself
see the outcome
park my brain
know that it will end
suffer with gratitude
exist
forgive myself
accept the loss
forgive them
not want death
skip this part
willingly submit to it again

III. antenatal
from this place, further along this journey of days
antenatal, I understand
impacts of trauma
being empty
processes of grief
some wounds heal
… others do not
manifestations of evil
fighting to live
seeking control
...and never getting it
human frailty
frailty of mind
reconstructing a mind
listening to quiet
struggling for reason
struggling for purpose
seeking pain
going backwards
pulling together the threads
becoming
submitting to time

IV. postnatal*
ut consilium*

@journeyofdays

stress injury is concussive
compresses and pummels
rewires and reroutes
rumination rules
tossing and turning in it’s bed
rumpled and flung pillows
a mountain of mismatched linen
pushing the brain to limits
pulsing then seeping
beyond skull
I have had enough
craving colour co-ordination
with simple, single-strand thoughts


@journeyofdays

don’t leave my side
finding this really hard...the being social thing
I know, I know, I was fun..before
talking is hard, they look at me differently, they can see the the
damage
they will s-stare at the the wounds

don’t leave my side
smell the fear...****, I can smell it
I know, I know, these people are friends
being someone is hard, they look at me differently, they can see the the
damage
they will s-stare at the the wounds

don’t leave my side
spinning, the room is spinning
I know, I know, ...keep it light, chat, smile
happy faces is hard, they look at me differently, they can see the the
damage
they will s-stare at the the wounds

don’t leave my side
please
please
just h-hold my hand

#thisjourneyofdays

felt you
ooze in
heard your soul
scratching and jangling
as it shuffled in
behind me
inserting yourself
into the nothing left between me and the door
and you just hover
a spectre
seen but unseen
felt your form
flick of hair
the false nails
and cigarettes barely disguised with gum
with bag stylishly slung
I don’t need to see you
to know you are there
inserting yourself
into the nothing left between me and the door
and you just hover

@journeyofdays

Trusting ...
you
me
in face value
you are not my past experience
I  will not over analyse
this is new ground is stable
my balance


this new for me
It has been a long time
back  me

#thisjourneyofdays

it's late
we're tired
no words
just touch
you hold
me close
I rest
my head
you cradle
my shoulder
and our hearts go
boom

you're tough
I'm not
your touch
is calm
your heart
so soft
you trace
wee circles
along
my arm
my mind says
more


it's cool
tonight
here
we're warm
we drift into
another realm
where we
are one
and in silent
love
arrive
home

@journeyofdays

so want to be free of this burden
my personal albatross
a heavy bird with imposing weight issues
feathers of inconvenient proportions
and a growing stench that makes me ill
an unjust sentence
from a trial unheard
evidence given in secret
never tested in the light
my crime, trust
here’s a laugh
what if the bird resurrected
chose you as the new bearer
would it ***** things up
just a little
such an adornment
that would be justice
seeing you recite the mariner’s rhyme

@journeyofdays

you had it but you don’t anymore
but why
anxiety rising
fear places
fear people
over analyse any situation
protect

you had it but you don’t any more
but why do I ...
not trust
not sleep
drag my **** through some days
sit near the exit
sit at the back

you had it but you don’t anymore
ok then, so this, right here, is normal now???
******* great!

@journeyofdays

beautiful
this mighty armada breaching the horizon
sailing purposefully across my day
on an unknown course
complex art in ice and power
perfectly formed for holding stories of earth and seas
locking up memories and soaking up thoughts
as their shadow passes over
formulating conversations and news in droplets of rain
to be dispersed at the precise time
known only to the lead ship’s pilot
majestic formation bridging heaven and earth
trading secrets with the sun
how are they formed
who cares
they are simply breathtaking
pulling up my thoughts
escaping into the blue


@journeyofdays

the faerie is unwell
her sociopathic tendencies
are stamped in pretty, intricate, mosaics
across her wings
she backs herself in every game
and games everyone
careless regard for those she befriends
blaming others for her mistakes
even her shadow feels bullied and harassed

@journeyofdays

foolish men  

cannot outrun

evil

spawned of pride and arrogance

@journeyofdays

if you can sing about it
will it become legend

@journeyofdays

painful this  journey
now exotic flowers replace tears
and
bloom

@journeyofdays

perfect porcelain exterior
up close
you are crazed like mad

@journeyofdays

too sad, this passing
he has gone, but  will never leave your heart
they leave you alone
and cannot look upon your face
the torture they see is frightening
an illness and horror they do not want to catch
they do not know what to say
how to feel
what to do
racked with pain and confusion
condolences mesh with your tears
thinking and shuddering
that pain, could be mine
the madness of grief
bends minds creating meandering paths
what if
I did more
spoke out
reached out earlier
time has at once stopped and races beneath you
the agony
ages you, endlessly
nature upturned
mourning your child
let me hold your hand
sit with you through this night
yes, I will walk with you
now entering this new journey
emotional cartography
will take time to master
you will find a way through
a passage to safe harbour

@journeyofdays

so you think you know me?
there are parts of me that even after all this time, i keep
not forgotten over this journey of days
tucked away, sometimes woven into the fabric of emotion and choices
never more important than now
in this struggle to get back
to find me, the whole of me

put it behind me? that’s your advice?
it is still my reality, it isn’t going anywhere


you really want to know me?
are you ready to see it all?
do you think you can deal
as the parts become unhinged and fall off
as i show you the parts of me you have never seen
the raw, the angry, the parts that make no sense
are you ready for that?

put it behind me? that’s your advice?
it is still my reality, it isn’t going anywhere


do you really want use the lens that filters the way i see the world now?
i think you should
then you will never say
put it behind you
you will honour this reality
holding my hand, holding the pen

know me

#thisjourneyofdays

don’t expect you to understand
why I try to forget
just help me remember us...now

@journeyofdays

meditate - ink -  pray
keeps me from
drink - cry - coma

think - draw - breathe
helps with
process - know - conquer


punch  - walk - yell
guards me from
fear - hate - intemperance

write - write - write
saves me from
myself


#thisjourneyofdays

what was it like living in exile
you tell me how it was meant to be
you constructed that hell with your own hands
poisoned the water and salted earth
created smoke fires devoid warmth
you planned my death
a permanent exile
and you nearly got your wish

@journeyofdays

What if you never…
went skiing
...with that girl
broke your toe
missed your gig

What if I never…
just turned up
played your gig
came back the next week

we would never be….

#thisjourneyofdays

this section is blank

@journeyofdays

thank God I am awake
now I can finally rest

@journeyofdays