i.
if i came to you with a shroud over my eyes, would you ask me why i’m hiding? there’s a whole lot of love, you used to say, and i would stay quiet, while my eyes overflowed with the least of it.

i’ve got lessons to learn, i’m trying to escape it. i’ve got a lot to grow, but i swallowed the seeds- hey. will you kiss me again? you used to tell me that the world is our constellation, that we are all dots connected. will you go? or will you craft me into your grand masterpiece, because i’m still waiting.

the best of us lies in between my sheets, in words i can’t say because they burn my throat. i’ve always been good at swallowing **** whole.

ii.
this is where it started: her lips on my neck, her hands around my neck, doors locked, eyes locked, fingers interlocked, then wandering, but then:
     high dives.

and her skin is soft beneath her t-shirt, and her eyes are heavy beneath her bangs, and her body’s weighted blanket as i lie beneath her. some bit of drowning, and i wanna swallow her whole, hold her quiet shaking in my palms, i’ve a palm on her chest and suddenly we’re
                  just gone.

so all i remember is her mouth and her skin and her, and all i want is her mouth and her skin and-

next time she asks if i’m alright, she guides my hands. she leads me to her jannah, to her atlantis. my hands are under her skirt and my eyes are nervous and she tastes the way she did when we were drunk in her kitchen and i ask her what’s okay and she says it’s okay okay. and for a moment i’m all she wants.

it's just us in this hazy bedroom. me & you, your mouth & my neck. i know that these bruises are the kind only love leaves. your teeth, they sink into my skin like i am a fruit forbidden from your tongue, like i am a fruit you needed to taste even if it meant succumbing to the shame of sin.

but there is no shame here, & i'm only allowed to glow, i'm only allowed to sing (to bleed) when you leave me little stab wounds onto my bare skin with the sharp edge of your canines. with your animalistic passion. & when god turns the other way, my nails scrape your skin, digging through your flesh to search for the paradise that lies underneath. you ask if i have ever felt so holy, & i can only respond with this hot spring of tears down my cheeks & eyes that beg you to devour me.

you stab your way into my fallen kingdom. you wash over my collapsed temples. you bite into my fruit. you cry amen & my choir follows suit.

i. i've been praying all week for my shaky bones to harmonize with the crash of the city downpour, but right now they just yearn to collide gracefully with the strong bones of someone who has yet to learn the meaning of 'rhythm'. i ask myself, staring out at the rain, "what does it mean? to conduct an orchestra of chaos? of thunder?"

ii. i've been praying for this grief to be good to me, to solidify my roots, to ground me & make me the version of myself that i couldn't be when my heart was still at its fullest. i can't stop begging for loss to be what makes me before it breaks me.

iii. i've been praying for an autumn angel again, to remember how it feels to be so fragile beneath the cool & careful touch of another that i can't help but shiver / revive / shrivel / fall / die. (one more fallen leaf lain to rest among the others.) maybe this month i will rest again, my ghosts whispering "suddenly" or "finally", knowing it is all the same.

i want to tell a story about the colors in the trees.

i want to tell you about the quaking in my hands.

i want you to know where the rain falls,
how the crashing voices
sound like waves in the night time,
tugged tides tied to the moon
like a leash to a dog.

i want to give you something to regret.

i want you to recall how i, in all of my
innocence and passion
fell over you
(in concentrated lust
but also romance)
on that day in late may,
how you held
my bare body against yours
how in that moment
i remembered nothing but skin and skin
and
skin, nothing
but firsts,
but blessings
but

i want you to wonder how the holy swallow their love.
(i have confirmed, they do it like one would pomegranate seeds- with their eyes shut, but you wouldn't know)

i want you to believe you lost a good thing.
there's love grown in my belly the way
i was told watermelon patches would when
i was young and didn't
know any better.

i want to say that i didn't know you would destroy me.
that the rips under my skin were a shock
the ice-pick to my heart was unexpected.

i want to say something
but all that comes out is
i'm sorry
not knowing what i'm sorry for.

the world is spinning backwards.

you look me in the eyes
pull my hand to your mouth
and graze your tongue along my 3 fingers

my mind is spinning backwards.

you planted this seed
and i swear to god, as she is my witness,
i pray that you return to grow it.

my heart is beating backwards.

i just want to be alone
with you
it's the only way
i'll ever feel at home

i just want to be known
by you
where the moon and stars
embrace us in their glow

in this place you can not erase the truth
look into my heart because it's filled with stars for you
all in all my heart it calls out into the blue sky
i look into your eyes and i know
that i can say hello, hello
to forever
hello (hello)

i just want to feel you close
to me
it's the only way
i think i'll ever feel whole

i just want you to hold
onto me
while our hearts race
and these lights are turned down low

in this place you can not erase the truth
look into my heart because it's filled with stars for you
all in all my heart it calls out into the blue sky
i look into your eyes and i know
that i can say hello, hello
to forever
hello (hello)

rip me to shreds i won't even mind
just swear you won't try to leave me behind
because love like ours only comes once in a lifetime
i still can't believe you're mine

i just want to be alone
with you
it's the only way
i'll ever feel at home

i just want to be known
by you
where the moon and stars
embrace us in their glow
i look into your eyes and i know
i can say hello, hello
to forever
hello (hello)

kiss me in your backseat
like nothing has ever been like this before
'cause you kiss like a promise
like you have never wanted anything more
than me

and just maybe, i'm crazy about you baby
and i guess it's a mess but i've always loved messy
things

and with your lips on my neck, i feel like the best is yet to come
and with my heart on my sleeve, i hope you can see it beats like a drum

and i'm wrapped around your finger and my gaze might just linger on your face
and i can't help but notice what we've made of this moment in this place

is beautiful
you're beautiful.

in the streetlights, with your brown eyes looking into my heart
hold me tighter, with your bright lights lighting up the dark
you're lighting up

in this pestilence and heartache,
i doth lie here without remembering
an instance where i shall not stay
in this quietly bleeding prison

my hands have groped the air
for a phantom amongst the breeze
but there is no longer a soul to spare
when i am brought back to my knees.

i feel my prayers are but thrown
fruitless pleadings to the sky
my truths to bear, are mine alone
never will they be your plight

you hold your head to my chest
and we dream away the time
this prison feels like a prison less
when your heart is calling to mine

i put you under my spell
and it seems just as well
that yours has got me high

this love that we keep
together do we sleep
under this moonlit sky

we glow brightly in the dark
like streetlights or like stars
we both are made of light

and if you hold my hand
together we could stand
let us never say goodbye

this is
where two points collide/
where a body meets a soul/
where that gold tint in the skyline
is a reminder of how a past lover’s hair
appeared in the sunlight.

this is the place where the sky falls;
sun, moon, stars, and clouds
hit the ground. they crash
and they burn.

the ocean spills out so many gentle words.
but like love tokens in the night time
they mean nothing when
what is done
is done.
we are what we are.
scarred and unmade.
messy and undone.

what is holy?
is it the way you hold your lips,
or the straightness of your spine?
the glistening of skin in the moonlight
or the kiss of sweat on your forehead?
or is that just human?

when did i ever
stop being able to tell
the true difference?

in this place where
our points collide
and our stars align
something
slants in our sky
and it falls/flies/forces itself
upon the horizon

inside our rear view
is something we’ll forget
leave the past behind

and the stars,
they shall follow.

summer is so hot and lonely
and sometimes i wonder
if the skin i am in
betrays me to the world.

i forget without forgiving,
i remember without wanting to
and yet
i want to remember
deep breaths,
georgia,
driving with the top down while
going eighty miles per hour
on a no-name/
dead end
road.

please.
remind me:
why can’t i just fly into the sun
and
feel the heat melt away my flesh
until i am no longer a body?
until i am just soul?
until i am freed?

the starlight/sunlight/pale light
keeping me alive has the power
to tear the life away from me.
do you believe it?

wherever god is,
i think she is crying,
but she’s laughing as well.
she’s laughing at pain, she’s
crying for love, and
somewhere there’s a sun shower.
children are playing and dancing in it,
and a mother tells her son
that “the devil is
beating his wife.”
a son tells his mother,
“this feels
too much like love
to be an act of violence”

and so it goes.

there’s a place where the trees collide as if they
are making love and the hush of the leaves overlapping
is like a whisper of,
branches and plants and limbs and bodies.
maple and palm and sandalwood
and fresh air.

the roots messily fall along edges and depths
of soil
and i just want a love like that

natural like nature
quiet yet passionate
messy and thoughtful

the kind of love that is clear like a waterfall
like laughter and fish nipping at your toes
peace, sunbaths, the chirp of the birds
at the sunset bay,
where the moon tucks in daylight/

it’s like in this place,
there’s a hyperawareness of bruises
and there’s a gentle caress of the wind.
and the way your lips part at a near death or when
a song is on the tip of your clicking tongue
is lacking
numbness.

unwavering sentience
an empath spinning in a hurricane.

the best lover to is the one
that feels like home
when you
are homeless.

and i know, for
the trees tell me so.

the places we leave,
they whisper old songs when
we fall asleep
and yet we hear them.
now there’s

mayhem in the way the clouds
intertwine with the sunlight

basslines we thought we’d forgotten
play in our heartbeats
remembering our fears,
and yet, we dance.
see, there’s

blank spaces between stars tonight;
there, they leave traces of you

you blew out candles
like it was nothing and you’d never
lost your breath the way
i’d lost my mind,
but there’s

something in the wind that is softer
than the palms of your hands were

and when you love there is
a hurricane inside
of you

it is impossible
for you to love
with your head
above water.
so there’s

saltwater in the places your coy
fish thoughts laugh and i miss that

you can see something on the horizon
it’s a dream you’re chasing after
and i hope you can find him.

tell me
what you want
because i want you

you look the same way
the sunset paints brush strokes
on the horizon

i want to be your horizon.

sometimes we love without a reason why, without knowing anything except for this. the way we clumsily work toward interlacing our fingers reminds me that life isn't perfect until we're content withthe fact that it's not perfect.
you make me see all that life can be. with you here, i am more than content. i am happy.

you changed my life.
like an autumn evening
changes green to red.
to yellow.

your smile is my
favourite constellation.
and i play connect the dots between
the corners of your mouth.

you make me love.
myself.
life.
the world.
you.

*always.

his eyes spill over with yellow
sunlight
and honestly i've never
wanted anything so
bad.

i found the meaning of life
in his smile/
when he says my name/
in his eyes like autumn mornings.

i was made for him.
and on good, fine, and bad days,
my love is made for me too.

i see my future in that look
he's got in his eyes.
and it's all
i ever dreamed it would be.

in this thrifted sweater
and black and white floral skirt

in my soft and faded yellow
and on those pastel clouds
with my daydreaming eyes

i wanted a cheap ticket

you see,
i wanted a one way trip
to heaven
so i could stand protected
so i could stand behind
the holy gates,
bathing in gold light.
in my sweater,
wrapped in light
and safe.

little did i know i’d feel safer that day
that i’d taste some of heaven
in that sweater in late november
with your arm interlaced
in mine
like fate
had planned
for that to be
the moment our stars
aligned

you were a sunbeam
my sweater was security
and your arms beheld the stars
of the heavens
to me

and can i tell you something?
they were all
so
*yellow

he leans in to kiss you. his lips graze yours, a careful brush, so close but not close enough, as the two of you breathe the same air. his breath is warm, his body is warm, everything about him is so warm when you feel so cold. next to him you feel like ice. and his touch melts your cool skin, and you’re melting, melting, gone. you’re kissing him, your chapped lips on fire. your baby is the sun and yes, you know this is going burn eventually. it burns already anyway. but you’d burn into ashes for him. you’d fade for him until there was none of you left.

his gaze leaves nothing of you. you burn until you smolder every time he looks your way. he’s older than you, and it’s almost like he’s lived so many centuries before this one. and he calls you “my love” and “baby boy” and he makes you feel soft even when you’re sweat drenched, even when your skin tastes like the ocean.

you’re on fire, but it’s alright. / there’s pain in this desire, but nothing’s felt more right.

icarus, your baby is a fire.
no.
your baby is a thousand fires.
your baby is a thousand fires,
and each one is so beautiful,
that you don’t mind
how heated
things are getting.

this love is tragic, dear icarus.  and although you know it’s going to **** you, or maybe even because you know it’s going to **** you, you can’t stop loving him, and the heat radiating from his skin.

you could shine through every darkness
on any given day
i knew that your eyes held the promise
that you'd never lead me astray
because of you i'm living the life that i wanted
that's something i never thought i'd say
and you are where i'll always find solace
i just hope that you can stay

and i know i'm no walk in the park
but i'll go anywhere in search of your heart
i won't ever stop gazing at the stars
but they're not as good as you at burning a hole through the dark

and you are a sunset on the horizon
so softly astounding and pure
and you've got sunlight in your eyes and
i've never wanted anything more
as much i want right now to be blinded
by those stars that i adore
and i have forever decided
to be the ocean to your shore

and i know i'm no victory march
but you have warmed my wintery heart
and if this is where our history starts
i hope we can be all that sky whispers we are

to the monsters under my bed//

i see all of you. in this distorted pink glow, i see you. you whisper at night when i’m wrapped in blankets and my toes are cold. you say things. you creep into my mind and whisper tainted words that are not sweet nothings, but bitter everythings. i do not dream. i become my fears, shattering mirrors so i do not have to see them. i don’t have to see myself.

you are these battle scars, and the reason i am ashamed of them. you are the soft melody with harsh words and you’re on repeat. you’re ******* relentless.

when i was younger, you stayed in my bedroom and came out at night to taunt me. you’re everywhere now. your insults are the godforsaken soundtrack i’m living with.

living. what’s that mean? i sometimes wish i could carve strength from my bones, and wear it around my neck. i slide in and out of the present. no one notices, and the only relic that i bring from this time travel is an ugly one.

i remember being touched on my upper thigh/hands on my face/fear/living in the eyes of the sun/nothing. i remember nothing.

i hate you.

i hate the taste of damp salt. i miss the key to my heart being copied and handed to those who wanted to explore it. i don’t miss the house parties held there by the undeserving. the mess left. the cleaning process. attempting to heal.

some days i awoke and all of your eyes were staring into mine. it did not feel like looking at the stars. it felt like a glimpse of hell. a swear word. a sea of red.

i see all of you. but that doesn't mean that i accept you. in this distorted pink glow, i see you. and you’re not just under my bed.

you, my love are a work of art. a modern masterpiece. i look at you, and i can’t believe someone like you ever loved someone like me.

my love, you are softness personified. your eyes, your hands, your smile, your mouth, your eyelashes. but over all of that is the way you care. you act like you don’t, but with me? you always care so so much. i love that.

when i’m with you i feel so many different things at once, like:
at ease
in love
blissful
happy
loved
important
beautiful
and so very soft

you make me feel so soft and pure. like i am painted in one singular, elaborate, brush stroke. like i was sculpted from clay. like i was made from the crack in god’s ribs. like i was born from a quiet thunder and the tentative pitter-patter of summer rain. like the trees whispered me until i emerged from the soil. like i am a moment in a beautiful infinity.

i saw a brighter light alongside an endless colour palette and a supernatural glow when we first met. i saw it as a sign.

i love how much you’ve trusted me. from day one.

how on our first date, i learned so much about you. how i wanted to give you my everything from that moment on. how i knew. for once i knew.

i love that i made you better. that i brightened your life. that i am your best friend and that you ******* love me.

my love, if i had only one wish, i’d wish for us. i’d wish to be bright with you for as long as any star burning in the sky.

you, my love, are such a ******* galaxy. and i want nothing more than to be one of your stars. or a planet. or if you’d let me, a solar system. i just long to be a part of you the way that you are all of the good parts inside of me.

i kept this love for you hidden in my veins like drugs or alcohol, like you could just find it on my breath if i leaned in too close or too soon. i blink and i hear your voice/feel your touch. i blink and i can almost rewind to those sweet winter days, the spring, the summer, the days you called me beautiful. falling for you was not seasonal. it was yearlong and so heavy lidded and blissful.

i still want to grow old with you. i want to ask you, “honey, did you feed the fish?” i want to go on our one hundredth date and still get butterflies. i want to look into those beautiful eyes and know that right then, right there, i’m looking at my whole ******* world. i want to wake up with your body so tangled with mine we could be mistaken for a singular, otherworldly being. i want to come home later in the day and tell you about my day at work as i’m in the recliner and you’re massaging my shoulders. i want the purest softest love the universe can muster.

you make me sure of one thing, and that is that love transcends. period.

everything about you is a reminder of what love is to me. and i want to protect that love more than anything in the world, okay?

my heartbeat is like a quiet thunder
and these tears are the showers
that water the love-seeds in my chest.

there’s not enough color in my head
but there’s so much red and it bleeds.
my love for you bleeds,
and the roses that grow here
are covered in thorns.

i can’t hold on to them
and come out
without scars.

You can’t be real
you hold me until we fall asleep
I just hold still
when I wake and you don’t
You call me baby,
and I never thought I’d like that much
But I think that maybe,
that might just be enough.

my shattered soul arches in pain.
it aches
to love you without
this bleeding.

it misses the loveglow
the blissful nights,
the peace of mind.

but hey,
i'd rather remember
what it was like
than forget
what it was for.

i am forever yours.
forever yours.

everyone has a story and mine is painted
the color of the oceans on the bermuda coastline.
it’s so beautiful/sad/broken/much like art.
my skin sometimes shimmers like that lake by your
house in florida, the lake that knows how to dance
in the moonlight like we did that night when you
you put an arm over my shoulders and we swayed
like lovers to a song others have kissed so passionately to.
it’s funny. i saw you and i saw your story.
i saw it painted in sunsets,
and sun showers,
and tears in the rain.
you had a story with the colors of fresh bruises, and it intermingled with mine.
what if i let my soul spill out onto a canvas again?
would we be able to pretend
like this love never had to end
and could we blend our colors together
like the watercolor paints we’re made of
and transcend
above the pain and
the darkness
that envelops us
and our story?
what does it mean to have a story?
i wonder this, as i instinctively tell ours
and hope that i left some fingerpaint
on your heart.
i hope
you can set me apart from anyone you have ever loved.
i still love
you in color although my world's gone grey
even though i have to keep reminding myself that
your voice sounds like a violet galaxy
because it’s got the kind of stars i may never get to see
again.
once again i am left to watch a lover on the sidelines
and it’s like my
heart is forever breaking in the night time
and the daytime.
all the blasted time.
i’m crying on my knees
praying to a god i never used to believe
in but only a higher power could cause this bleeding
of love that i was seeking.
and now i understand the meaning in
be careful what you wish for.
and i am unsure
of what i miss more.
the purple streak in your hair,
the look in your eyes,
the embraces,
the kisses,
the glow in the dark,
the float above the ground,
the couldn’t care less,
the sounds,
of your voice,
your laugh,
your heartbeat,
the way you’d effect my heartbeat…
i had stars in my eyes, babe,
but the stars bleed
and i hardly see
anything but what we
used to be.
we used to be everything in every galaxy
and me?
i used to be,
i used to be,
i used to be free.
can’t you see it’s killing
me, turning my colors grey?
can’t you just
wouldn’t you just
please just
stay.
stay a moment while i find the right words to paint.
the right words to say.
words the color of love/fear/the bay/promise.
because i love you like a promise
soft, pale blue, and the skyline,
ever present, never evanescent and true.
i want to continue this story,
because we were so lovely
and we had so much more
in store.

i was your blue skyline
and you
were my purple sunrise.

there are stars above me
and, my god, they shine
like nothing ever changed.

(but they’re not as bright as the
stars i saw in your eyes
or as the stars you put in mine)

i miss you more than the moon misses
the sun,
you were my sun
and i could not shine without you.

i’m not so bright anymore.
do you still adore
me?
do you still adore
do you still
do you

do you?

i'm a paper doll
ripped in two,
and half of me
dwells with you.

sometimes,
i don't know what to say.
so i won't say much.
or i won't say
anything.

i'll just
let our eyes meet,
let my skin
brush against yours,
let you see
my cheeks
burn
the colour of redwood.

and then?
and then i will hope.
i will hope
for that to be enough.

with my hand
on your thigh
and your hand
over mine.

and my heart
saying everything
my mouth
can not.

there we go, all our echos
fade into the dark.
voices and lights glow in the blackness
of this room
like the love we made in our hearts.

here i am, my soul is naked,
it's standing before your eyes.
i'm wearing my favourite colors
as my body fades into the light.
don't forget about me baby,
i am the one with the future hazy
and blue.
what about you?
are you true?

hand in hand, all our pain
drifting to somewhere else beyond here
lifting our heads while our spirits
are six feet underneath
the places we feared

here i am my soul is sorry
it's wilted and damp in your hands
i'm just a silhouette
and i need you to understand
don't forget about me baby
i am the one with the future hazy
and blue.
what about you?
are you true?

but i felt so at home in your arms.
like i could've lived lifetimes.
like all the worries that resided inside
of me
were simply thrown to the wind.

i hate this
i feel like everything inside of me
is fractured.
i am fractured.

the rest of me still lies with you.
my whole,
it lies with you.

i feel so sad.

everything i am is intertwined
with you.
and yet everyone expects
me to split my soul
and still go on
as if i am complete.

when i'm not.

when i'm broken in pieces
some of which are missing
are with you
you you you you you you you

i love you so ******* much, okay?

i can't just let go.

i don't want to lose that much of myself
when i had just found out
who she was,
and her purpose
while loving you.

yes, i know,
your heart is aching
it needs to be handled with attention
and care
but no one seems to care
enough to be careful

yes, i know,
it hurts, it's in black
and white
you can't see/feel the colour

yes, i know,
sometimes you need
a friend.
me too.

if i could be a friend
the pale blue through your window
i'd paint your world in colour-
in every colour
with the tips
of my fingers
and i'd be careful.

i still cry every day.
but this time,
the pain hits me at one minute before midnight.
as thursday starts to bleed
into friday
i remember our days
and i get so so scared that they’re over.

midnight comes.
it’s tomorrow now, it’s the next day,
and i just want to cry until my heart
is hollow.
i want to get punched in the chest.
i want to
cry
cry
sob for hours until i can never ever cry again.
i want there to be an echo, so as to prove
that my heart is empty.

it’s not empty.

there’s so much love in there, babe.
i still love you so much that it hurts
to breathe.
what’s the point
in life without you?

i’m scared that you’ve stopped
loving me.
that all this effort i’m trying to put in
so that we can be together,
so i can love you
without pain,
is for naught.

i love you more than poetry,
more than myself.
i would tear myself to shreds and
i would never write another word
if it meant that i could have you again,
if you could take me again.

i want to stop crying.
but i don’t want to give up on us.
sometimes this is more than i could handle.
ian, my biggest fear was life without you
and now i understand the reason.

as much as i smile
everything inside of me is fractured into little fragments
my bluest oceans are murky
my skies are cloudy
my future is dim.
this smile is a coverup
a defense mechanism.

no, everything is not okay.
no, i am not doing better.
no, i have not and will not stop loving you.
no matter what they tell me.

i'm tired.
emotionally,
physically,
and mentally.

i've felt so much,
and used up so much energy
and thought too long and too hard
about everything.

i'm tired.
i just can't find motivation some
mornings, some afternoons,
some nights (at all/ever).

you used to write my name in stars
every time it left your mouth
you used to pull my soul apart
made me feel like i’d drowned
then you resurrected me
you perfected loving me
like it was an art
and so i had to write you down.

i’d written line after line
about the look in your eyes
the way i felt like i could die
but what’s the point now
in all those wasted words,
when all that’s left still hurts?

the moon is just simply a rock
without the sun to make it glow
and as the hands are ticking on the clock
you are all i know of home
i thought you needed me
please don’t leave it be
you are my every thought
the singing of my soul

i’d sung song after song
about the how your hair was so long
the way i’d felt all along
but what’s the point now
in all those wasted tunes,
when all that’s left of our love’s a tombstone?

i’d written line after line
about the look in your eyes
the way i felt like i could die
but what’s the point now
in all those wasted words?
when all that’s left hurts.

my love stands on rooftops with a megaphone. it screams at the top of it's lungs to an endless melody. it's everything i am and everything i want to be.

my love tells him to stand still for a minute, it tells me not to think for a minute. it says that we can be so much if we just do and stop waiting. my love is the feeling in his throat when he tells himself that he is finally too far away to think of me. i know, i know.

my love does not care for his past. it holds his previous days in its hands but its the big spoon to the little spoon that is his future.

my love is a light in the distance that he can somehow touch with the palm of his hand. it's warm and soft and careful and it'll reflect into his eyes the next time he looks into mine.

my love doesn't wean or wane, it remains a full moon, so next time he looks up at the sky, remember: there's always a reason i am alive, and when i met him the reflection in the waters, the pull of tides, they showed me why.

my hands and heart are calloused
from writing out our story
from living out our story
god knows
i breathe so much love for you
and it lives within me
and right now it's messier
than before

it's angry
it's painful
it's jaggedly soft and a whispered
prayer
are you there?
my love, are you there?

you may give up on me
but my knees are scuffed
because i've been praying
on concrete.
that never used to happen before

i've this carpet burn
from sleeping on the floor,
because the bed
is a mocking reminder
of the softness of your skin
of you love
of you

i'm a sinner, and you know it
but i felt so holy
when your lips touched mine
the way they did

i miss you
like an ocean misses the shore
i will always be trying
to reach you

my heart's still in your hands
it's in your hands
i always melted in your hands...

I’m reminded late at night
Of exactly what it was like
To be holding you tight
Shouldn’t have ever let go

This isn’t what we wanted
And I just feel so  haunted
My friends could say I’ve lost it
But what would they know?

They don’t know what it’s like
To dream of a lover’s eyes
You can no longer look into
And I have nothing to hold
I have nowhere to go
When I can’t run to you
I’ve  dreamt of you
So, what should I do
With this?

I see you now and then
You’re hanging with our friends
It’s like I’m hitting a dead end
Everywhere I go

I hate acting like I’m fine
When I’m wishing you were mine
And that I wasn’t wasting time
Being all alone

Wish I didn’t  know what it’s like
To dream of a lover’s eyes
I can no longer look into
And I need something to hold
I have nowhere to go
When I can’t run to you
I’ve dreamt of you
What should I do
With this?

I wish/ I could kiss/ your lips/ give this/ a moment/ to fix/ itself
I would never ask for anything else

Do you know what it’s like
To dream of a lover’s eyes
You can no longer look into?
(are those eyes mine?)
And I have nothing to hold
I have nowhere to go
When I can not run to you
(are you still mine?)
I’ve dreamt of you
What should I do
Don’t know what to do
With this
What should we do
With this

Why does the heart go on?

i hate endings.
i'm not a lover of beginnings either,
but the story
the stuff in between?
it grabs me so hard, and shakes me by the
shoulders sometimes.

i'm thankful for our in between.
even if the ending is tearing me
to shreds.
even if the clumsiness of our beginning still
runs miles through my head

scene/after/scene/after/poem/after-
(YOU CAN RIP MY HEART OUT, I STILL LOVE YOU)


*i'll be that girl who always waits for the sequel- no matter how long it takes for it to come. i promised you always, i promised you...

i think i'm going to break./
i'm so ******* sorry.

nothing makes sense right now and i'm scared
and i don't trust myself and god i'm sorry.

i shouldn't have brought you into this
and i don't know how many times i
can apologize-
but i'm so freaking sorry,

my heart is always yours.
i love you.

i never knew that a body could be so intriguing. i never understood the appeal of michelangelo's david statue.

why, i wondered, would a huge naked man draw not only the eyes of millions but be awe insiring and cause people to look at themselves as a part of a larger scheme?

but, oh my god. i look at you and david? he has no chance. he is made of marble, of stone, but i have a real boy, a living boy.

i will swallow my pride for a moment and admit that you are freaking  beautiful, more than i, and that is when you are clothed.

i could stare at your smile for hours if it didn't make me feel like i'm dying. if i could do so whilst breathing. i look at you, and i feel like i am a part of a greater scheme.

because, there's a chance that i could some day see the most honest way we compliment each other. more than just touch, more than lust, we could be love.

the fact that i will one day know the map of your body like a home town, like my childhood house- david never got the kind of love i want to give you, i'm sure of it.

i imagine that david tasted like cinnamon and guilt with a little bit of victory, or at least, i imagine that's how he would taste to me.

but you, you taste like freedom and fire / shyness and desire, and i'm telling you i would gaze upon you like you are art.

you **** all of the giants and monsters and evils in my head with your words like flying stones.

david has nothing on you babe.

because while he is crafted form marble, i stole you from the stars.

dramatic fears spilling on a canvas
from my leaky eyes
i've tried the other options
but they seem vaguely painful
too intimate.

i hate that i've let you close
because the closer you are
the more it will hurt when this
doesn't last.

i'm washing away in this flood
and i'm going to pretend it doesn't hurt
this much, to love
and be afraid.

if i was a dancer, you’d be the music, making me feel what you are in every bone in my body, holding me down and lifting me up with every note within you.

can you feel it?

this love is a whisper and a scream at the same time, and everything about that is perfect. your eyes meet mine and they are an intergalactic reminder of what it really means to be. with you i am. there is no want to be, could be, trying to be. i just am.

i am yours, i am happy. i am healing. i am beautiful. you make me feel beautiful in every way, and not just because you say i am.

you are the first thing i think about when i wake up, and the last thing on my mind as i fall asleep.

i am always looking for you when i enter a room and when i’m not, i’m wishing you were there. when i walk into any space,  you are the first and only person i see. it’s like those scenes in the movies where everything blurs, and the two lovers are the only ones in focus as their eyes meet from opposite sides of the room and a love song is playing.

can’t you hear it?

this love is a slow jam and an alternative rock love ballad all at once. it’s the tingly feeling i get inside when you say you love me, and the look on your face when you think i’m utterly ridiculous but also quite funny. it’s our witty banter and the way you always make me smile like some sort of happy idiot.

you are a galaxy with an infinite number of stars. but somehow, i know i can always count on you.

the girl's body feels like that of a goddess when he touches her thighs. he says that when he kisses her she tastes like love and something he can't quite put his finger on. it isn't until she pulls him closer that he can. he realizes it's longing that he tastes.

who knew aphrodite longed for anything? for anyone?

the girl is soft her cheeks coloured like redwood, her hair dark and wild, her eyes brown. she's warmer than usual, but her hands are still cold. when he asks to kiss her, she doesn't want to close her eyes, she's afraid that she's too high up. mount olympus doesn't care for mortals, but she doesn't want to forget this one.

yes. aphrodite longs all of the time and as his laughter waterfalls down her spine, she doesn't remember anything but his brightness, that he is what makes her beauty.

goddess of love met her match. a mortal boy that feels like the god of autumn causes the leaves inside of her chest to fall and change colour.

she paints her love in shades of red. her hands on his body are pink-rose at the palms. this goddess of beauty has never seen any of her potential. perhaps it was wasted until he looked at her with disbelief, because she's never felt worth that gaze, but gods does she want it.

he looks at her and he just wants to occupy the same space forever.

*she looks at him and holds all the love in the universe in her hands.

i wanted an angel.

peach flavoured love that dripped down my chin, lips covered in sugar.

i wanted passion.

to ascend unlonely through the cotton candy sky with all of its lovely whispers.

i wanted a muse.

someone to kiss and tell the world about as i bit my sugar dusted lip, and dreamed of their sunfilled mouth, and i wanted constant contact and all of the tell me you love me moments.

my fragile lungs would hardly be able to breathe in air as pure as the air that they'd breathe.

i wanted an angel to love until i became one. I needed love so badly that it would choke me with cold hands, frigid but still warm somehow.

i wanted guidance. to soar away from here.

i want to inhale the rosemary of your aura until it settles into my veins. i want to bathe in the honey that sits in your voice. I want to drink you in/breathe your air until the two of us blend into one person, until your breath is mine.

god, i love you. i love you and i want to give you all of my good moments while still letting you into the bad. i just want to share my life with you.

one day i will memorize your skin and when i close my eyes, i will feel what it's like to be near you even though i am not. i don't know who i am, but next to you i like myself.

i want to tell you to close your eyes. i'll trace your eyelids with my thumbs, put your bottom lip in between my lips, and kiss you like you are an angel, because in some way you are.

i'm ******* glowing, like fireflies and faerie lights, i'm the sparkle in your eyes when you glance at me when you think i'm not looking. you're everything i can't remember, but i know.

i want a slow dance in october, i want whatever love that lies inside of your chest until you cave in. and i'll still love you when you're fragile.

oh my lord, i am so ******* in love with you.

the gods fawn over our love.
they spent so much time
on us it seems.
sprinkling us with beauty and aligning our
stars.
i'm reminded of how moments evanesce,
but ours, they span lifetimes.
and as our lips touch clumsily
like children learning on a street corner,
what it means to love another
for the first time,
they watch.
we, as their creation, glow
and you can see this light
for miles.