Oh, what a life to live!
You are the day
I am the night
Together, we make one revolution

I cannot exist
While you do the same
For we are destined
Never to meet

Like ships passing in the night
We acknowledge each other
But never see, hear, feel
The other's presence

Oh, what a life to live

a creature of
fear
anxiety
paranoia

driven by
hate of self
love for others

scared of
the dark around her
not the dark inside

wanting to
*hurt herself
not the ones she loves

the real question is
if i say, think, feel
like i dont like him anymore
why does my heart
still trip and stumble
when i see a text from him?
why do i still get the urge
to call him and say
come here, i need you
right now

i did, and i don't know why

was it because i held on a hope?
a hope that maybe it would be mutual
that even if that day it wasn't
that one day it would be?

was it because it reminded me of you?
to always remember that there's someone
someone out there looking out for me
who actually cared about me?

or was it because i still love you?
even though i said it over
and over and over and over
it's all in the past?

maybe i'm lying to myself
maybe i'm lying to you

if i'm not alive
- i won't be here to give them so many problems
- so maybe i shouldn't be

if i'm injured
- they'll forget about all the smaller problems
- so maybe i should be

if i'm gone
- they won't suffer the bad that i've brought
- the frustration and anger
- so maybe

Secrets, I do not wish to keep
But if I don't, how am I to sleep?

I thought we were close
I thought we were good friends, dare I say more
I thought you liked spending time with me, the way I do with you
I thought maybe, just maybe, I had a chance
I thought we could be something
I thought one day when we're alone, it'd happen
I thought everything would be so right
I thought you were my friend

And there's the problem
I thought

piling
up and up and up
on top of her
each one larger than the next
problems on top of problems
expectations
the cherry on top
piled on her will to live
that weakens
with every passing day
slowly fading away
just like she is
losing track of herself
slowly cracking, breaking
and when it ends
what will she be
will she even be her?
or just a shell
of who she used to be
bits and pieces of what survived
fragments from her collapse
her joy is felt, but temporary
her sadness lives on, continues
it never really ends
and it all starts now

everyone
everything
expects her to be good
do well
be perfect
oh honey
she's nowhere near fking perfect

this wasn't supposed to happen
i'm not supposed to feel this way
what have you done to me?

but something that everyone says
it's gotten to me and now
i can't get it out of me

now when i see you or hear about you
i can't help but think about you and her
and my heart cracks a little

sure, nobody's perfect
no one ever said they were
but i want to be perfect for you

there's always something missing
some vibe, some part that just
can't fill the hole

i'm just never enough
for anyone

fear takes hold
same thoughts that
caused infinite nights
of crying, tears

i was having hope
of a future where
i was happy
i was comfortable

too used to that thought
never considered that
it could disappear
please don't go

a year without you
my love, is a year
without life

and i'll be ******
if i lose 5 years of life

growing up they say
it's all about being independent
about living alone
about loneliness
and that's what im so afraid of
not of independence
not of living alone
but of the loneliness
of the loneliness that eventually
consumes me, takes me
that should make me proud of myself
because hey, i'm living alone
but just throws me back in
into this cycle of quiet, of thoughts
the cycle that drags me into the deep
dark corners of my mind
that won't let me escape
won't let me want to escape
because it's safe here
it's quiet
it's alone.

i know i'll be fine at first
figuring out my daily routine
my cycle, day after day
of school to home to gym
with some occasional happiness
of friends, of family
but in the end
it's just me, alone
the sulk on my face
never leaving
the tears in my eyes
always returning

and i'm afraid
that i'll be so deep
in the darkness
that i won't be able
to come out of it
that i'll be stuck there
seeing my life as nothing
more than lows with temporary highs

i need you
i don't want to be alone
i can't be
i won't be me if i am
and i'm afraid i never will

yes, i know you want me to be
independent
but i don't want to be
alone
because when i'm
lonely
i don't know what i'll do
to feel better

the comfort
of numbness
of white noise
of emptiness
returns to me
an old feeling
hello, old friend

eat to survive
come home to survive
nothing ever done
to really live

indulged in work
escape from her reality
from everything that
drags her down

so what happens
when the work is done
when the time comes
to "enjoy life"

does she force herself
to face her true reality
the very thing
she's been running from?

or does she throw herself
into something else, another escape
another distraction
eat to survive

it was real.
i know it was
you felt it, and i did too
at the same time it wasn't

so why does it hurt so much
we never spoke about it
but other people did
and we knew it

was i not good enough
don't tell me it's about a number
that never stopped you before
so why her and not me

and what hurts even more
is i have to pretend to be happy for you
i have to convince myself
'if you love him, let him go'

and i want to, i really do
but there was a time when
i wanted you so bad
and i still do

why you gotta hurt me this way?

honesty. we throw it around like it's nothing
"honestly right..."
"to be honest..."
but do we really know what it's about

no one really knows what others think
of them
about them
everyone just says what the other wants to hear

we hide behind smiles and masks
of love and happiness
of sadness and fear
but there's so much more to that isn't there

your friend who smiles at you
what do they really think?
"they're weird, but i pity them"
"they're such a nice person"

that person who hates you
what do they really think?
"i wish i were like them"
"who do they think they are?"

we've lost the true meaning
of honesty, buried under
thousands of layers
of truth, of thought, of heart

will she die before 30?
no, not literally
she'll keep her body alive
expectations do that to you
           expected to be good
           expected to be successful
but her mind
will that fade away
nothing but logic
never for her
always for others
her body            - perfect form
her work           - perfect rhythm
her                      -perfectly gone

she doesn't want to die
not really
but she's seen the darkness
in her
and knows it's coming

old problems used to be
keeping everything inside
never feeling anything at all

new problems are
keeping everything inside
feeling everything at once

relish in the feeling
in bursts of tears
why can't i control myself

burdens on the only person
who could ever understand
tired

body struggles to be healthy
mind nagging again
i'm not feeling well

not well
not entirely healthy
just ****** up

don't you know?
i love you so
so much
i don't know how
to show you
i can say it
i can hug you
i can kiss you
but i can't think of
amazing, breathtaking ways
of making you feel as mushy
inside as you make me
please don't think of it
as laziness or not loving you
my dear, i love you more than you know
i'd fall apart without you
i'd be a mess of flesh and bones
my dear, i need you

I know it
You know it
Our nothing wasn't nothing

It gets easier
Somehow
In a weird kind of way
Slowly, day by day

First you're crazy
Head over heels
Want to see them desperately
Needing something to feel

Then you see you're not in their eyes
Not even in peripheral, something at the side
Just a friend, nothing more at all
How do I accept it? How do I move on?

Still stuck on them for a few more days
And slowly, the sickness drifts away
Leaving your body faster than you thought
Are your feelings for them all but naught?

Finally you realise
There's no chance, move on
It's the easiest way to do it
Just
            forget
                          about  
                                         it
                                                 all

Somehow.

and when we are alone with our thoughts
we are nothing more than our mistakes

Old thoughts haunting me
I messed up
I did something wrong
I wasn't enough

I should pay
I used to accept my fate
Take the defeat and revel in it
Love the pain

But now I have another voice
In my head, a reason to fight
Usually a landslide victory, easy
But tonight is different

Tonight I'm losing a battle
I didn't realise I was fighting

No one is ever really prepared
We're just more ready
Than we were yesterday

i like you
i really do
but i also know
that it's in my dreams
my friends comfort me
say i have a shot
but i know it'll never be
so i'm just waiting
waiting for the
crushing
moment
when i see another girl
in your arms
and the worst part is
that even then,
i'll be waiting

i've come to realise something
there comes a time
when after pining over that someone
whether it's because of his looks
or his personality
or the way he talks to you
or the way he makes you feel like home
and despite you feeling all this
        and you've been telling yourself
        no way, i do not like him
he feels nothing
you know that you are nothing to him
and you tire
after pining over him for so long
you realise nothing is over going to happen
so you give up, you feel nothing
is it an emptiness?
or just ignorance?
or is it just the state of extreme emotional fatigue?
doesn't really matter.

slit my wrists and leave me open
to burn
and dry
and rot

rid me of this pain
the cruel sting of panic
its breathless fight
to hold back tears of desperation

burden
disgusting
out of place
too sensitive
insecure
weak
******* idiot

no one's said it to my face, but i've said it to myself
maybe a thousand times over
words running through my head on replay
and replay
and replay
and replay
and replay

until i can't really hear anything else
i'm hurting the people i love
and i'm watching it happen
and i can't stop it

trapped and out of control
drowning in self pity, what a fool
idiot, fool, what is wrong with you

stuck

i hate myself so ******* much
looking for a blade to cut my wrists open
see a thumbtack
no courage to do it
white walls around me
imagining my blood splattered all over
let's paint the town red
if i jump off now
do you think i would die
funny thing is
i dont wanna die
i just dont want anything to happen to me ever again
every good thing has a bad thing
are good things worth it then?
whats the point in being happy if
its just digging a deeper ditch for next time
new highs mean lower lows
what fun

why can't i just go back to a time
where it was normal
where i wasnt having a breakdown every week
twice a week
where i didnt complain about every ******* problem
and make such a big deal out of every small ******* thing
hurting the one i love most
making them think theyre the problem
it's all me it's always me it's always been me it'll always be me

enter: new fear
that you'll be so done with me
that you'll leave
and then everything becomes a problem
everything is my problem
everything is my fault
it's always me it's always me it's always me
i need to STOP
but how
stop feeling?
stop complaining?
cry to myself instead?
yes that'll do the trick
ill just share how i got over it
who needs attention anyway
let me shrivel up unnoticed
i shouldn't need attention
attention is stupid and im a joke

i knew it was going
too good
for too long

feelings in the green
actually, genuinely
enjoying life? who knew

one trip one wrong step
crumbling into ashes
thinking about that shiny metal once again

****** person
undeserving of respect
your purpose is for others
no rights for you

thoughts that were
always there, waiting for
me, welcoming back

twas a fool to think
i had overcome something
so innate so natural

foreshadowing maybe?
a fresh start thwarted
doomed to return to the same

darkness

sometimes its depression
numbing yourself so you don't feel
sad or angry or anything
so you don't hurt
inside and out

sometimes its tiredness
thinking and feeling and empathising
so much that your emotions shut down
you smile nicely at everything
and you know how to react
just enough to look okay

sometimes its wishfulness
hoping and praying so hard
that the pain suffered by the one you love
could disappear, because you're helpless
and you want so badly for them to feel better

because emptiness is what they feel
so maybe somehow
by feeling the same way
it'll help them
it's worth a shot