i used to write all the time
where's my motivation
where's my imagination

smoking packs is all i do
why am i so **** confused
i want to hide
i want to run
chasing dreams is not so fun

i feel alone in this big world
i'm like a clam that lost its pearl
my head keeps spinning
i'm not taking i'm not giving
life feels empty but i'll keep on living

the pain is strong but so am i
if i really try i can touch the sky
so i'll keep on fighting through the pain
**** the storms and **** the rain

i can do this there's no doubt
it's just so hard getting off the couch

it’s like my body is a roller coaster
there
for anyones pleasure
what goes up
must come down
so enter me without any thought
until the ride is over and you can walk
away
power and strength all in your possession
and i am left with
nothing

because who wants to thank me
for the acceleration
the quickening of breath
the energy
the never ending rush of excitement

who wants to spend a few extra minutes on this roller coaster
smiling
with thankful eyes
maybe returning the favor?
oiling my gears and making me
sigh with pleasure
rather than
squeaking with pain?

but that is to much to ask

once you’ve reached the end,
and what was once up is now down,
and your heart is slowing its pace

you can go find another ride
another roller coaster
that will take you for a few spins
for a few minutes of satisfaction
until it is over and you’re tired

and i’m tired

but who cares
because the next ride starts now
and what goes up
must come down

two months ago, he pushed me into a corner and grabbed my breast
two months ago, he told me not to worry and groped away
two months ago, i frantically fought against his touch
two months ago, i was sexually assaulted.

one month ago, i was still the only one who know
one month ago, i blamed myself
one month ago, life seemed worthless
one month ago, i wanted to die

three weeks ago, i reached out for help
three weeks ago, i realized the trigger of all my self hate
three weeks ago, i came home hoping to leave it all behind
three weeks ago, i cried

today, i am numb to the memory
today, i don't give myself enough credit
today, i am still insecure because

two months ago, i was sexually assaulted.

wabi-sabi** (n.) the discovery of beauty in imperfection; the acceptance of the cycle of life and death.

take a look around you,
breathe in the air.
relax and find your inner peace,
feel the wind brush through your hair.

with life comes death and with death comes sadness
but don’t think of the misery and pain.
think of the past and the beauty of life.
let your mind dance about in the rain.

no one is perfect and perfect is a lie,
so accept your flaws and live.
wake up each day with no regrets,
show the world all that you have to give.

find the beauty in the simple things of life
and embrace them with all you’ve got.
never forget that you’re a gorgeous human being
and people do love you a lot.

with life comes death and with death comes sadness
but don’t think of the misery and pain.
think of the past and the beauty of life.
let your mind dance about in the rain.

I was falling down, my face was masked into a frown,
I was giving up, my heart had felt enough,
And as I hurt, I thought it was the end,
I never knew, that you were just around the bend.

You took my hand, and helped me stand,
And then I smiled, I knew I’d have you for a while.
You were my saving grace, told me I was not a waste,
You’re my knight in shining armour,
My one and only lover.

You kissed my cheek, made my heart weak,
And then I smiled, I knew I’d have you for a while.
You are my life, my love, you make me fly just like a dove,
You’re my knight in shining armour,
My favorite kind of charmer.

And now, I don’t know, what I would do without you.
You’ve showed me things that I never knew that I could do.

I was falling down, my face was masked into a frown,
I was giving up, my heart had felt enough,
And as I hurt, I thought it was the end,
I never knew, that you were just around the bend.

this is what i love about you
this is what makes me grin
this is what gets my heart beating
this is why i let you in.

your sense of humor is magical,
i can be myself around you.
our love is never tragic and
i can always try something new.

your smile can light up the whole town
your laugh can turn a head
you lift me up when i am down
you get me out of bed.

i trust you with my everything
i know you won’t talk trash
we don’t even need a promise ring
i know that we’ll surely last.

the hugs and kisses feel so right
the cuddles feel so safe
and when you hold my hand real tight
you give me so much faith.

just know that you’re my baby boy
and i’m your baby girl
you always give me so much joy
you make my heart wanna twirl.

i love you more than anything
and that will always be
i’m your queen and you’re my king,
and that’s why i love you, you see.

you say that we need this time
and yeah I know you're right
but you know it's gonna be real hard
no hand to hold at night

i know it's now and not forever
but I'm real tired of this cloudy weather
cause the sun don't shine when you're not here
and I miss the feeling of you being near

we cried and embraced and kissed away the tears
you told me that you loved me and that you wouldn't disappear
I told you the same and we hugged away the pain
cause we both know that soon comes better days

bittersweet tears running down my face
I smiled and whispered "it's gonna be okay"
you looked up through your tear filled eyes and whispered
"it's gonna be alright"

some days I look at my wrists and see the almost invisible scars that hardly show but are still there.
it's funny how something that is only triggered within a moment will stick with you for the rest of your life.
it's like a mark telling you, look what you've overcome.
but at the same time
it almost looks inviting.
hey! one more scratch won't hurt..
right?

but what is it that makes me hurt so much that I need to see and feel the pain in some other place than in my head and my heart?

why am I still broken?
is it him? is it them? is it the rumors and the reputation? is it the broken love and the broken heart? is it the longing for home?
I'm broken
and I don't know why.

I want to blame it on him but I'm the only one to blame.
it's all on me
me.
me.

I wonder if people can see my scars.
do they notice them when my arms get red and they stand out like white stripes?
what do they think?
I hope that they care
but who am I to think that they care?

does this stigma define me?
what defines me?
should these lines really be considered stigmatic?

right now it's me against the world
and whenever I look at those scars
that's why I feel a trigger

because when it's you against the world, you feel alone, ashamed, misunderstood, sad
sad.
sad.

wishing you could see how valuable i could be
how much i care
how i stop and stare
whenever i see you
and you see right through me

the good die first.

I taste the day,
I touch the light,

I remember.

Nobody tells you
it is okay to call yourself beautiful
it is okay to smile at mirrors
and it is perfectly fine
to say your own eyes are pretty

it is wonderful to love your waist
and your legs
regardless of their size
and you are not conceited
if you use your fingers to list
everything you’re good at
rather than point
at all your own flaws

you can acknowledge you’re smart
and that you will go places
and you will be someone
greater than your mistakes

you can’t always expect
other people to believe in yourself
for you

Welcome to society,
We hope you enjoy your stay,
And please feel free to be yourself,
As long as it’s in the right way,
Make sure you love your body,
Not too much or we’ll tear you down,
We’ll bully you for smiling,
And then wonder why you frown,
We’ll tell you that you’re worthless,
That you shouldn’t make a sound,
And then cry with all the others,
As you’re buried in the ground,
You can fall in love with anyone,
As long as it’s who we choose,
And we’ll let you have your opinions,
But please shape them to our views,
Welcome to society,
We promise that we won’t deceive,
And one more rule now that you’re here,
There’s no way you can leave.