I tried.
Trust me, darling, I really did.
You were the 'whole package', as some people would say.
But the only thing missing was the most important one.
I didn't really love you.
You were perfect.
But all your perfection could never fit perfectly with my rough edges.
But darling, even if we matched, and every part of our personality meshed well with each other,
I always won the 'I love you more' game because you let me win
But we both know the painful truth
I don't love you.
Not the way you love me.
And I never will—
I'm sorry.

He was the sun, and I was the moon.
Without him, I couldn't illume the night.
I took all the darkness, he had morning and noon,
Without each other, the world wasn't right.
He was the fire, and I was the ice.
He'd bring the chaos without thinking twice.
Whatever flesh he burns, I come to aid.
I touch him without ever being afraid.
He was the ground, and I was the sky.
Aware of each other, but turn a blind eye.
He gave me vapor, I gave him the weather;
It was our only way of being together.
He was the mass, and I was the space.
And without hesitation, in my life, he took place.
I let him consume me, I didn't mind, you see,
I was just happy that somebody needed me.
He was he, and I was me.
What a fool I've been to trust and believe
That we need each other, when the sad truth is,
All there has been for us, was to coexist.

I thought i was the villain you told everyone i was.
It turns out you were the villian all this time.
After you there was always doubt.
I wouldn't take a leap of faith unless i knew it was safe.

From the start you made me believe in magic.
You made me believe i was worth all the love.
You made me believe i was worth the risk.
But funny how you're the same reason why i no longer believe.

You're the reason i don't believe anymore.

Like a throbbing sensation in the center of my torso
My heart and my stomach feel as though they've met halfway in there
My jaw pops open in the slowest motion
So slow I never notice.
I squirm and squirm
Fidget and fidget
And constantly find myself in very awkward places and positions
Oh, the things I feel around your presence
A never ending mystery that feels like torture
Hope drizzling all over everything and every dream I've dreamt of
It's heartbreaking, you know,
Liking you a lot?
Its devastating.

Your mind-  it's too young.
Knows not the truth of the world.
I suppose its the reason why I adore you.

Your innocence, your purity,
Your heart, your soul, all intact.
All the things I've lost and watched shatter before my eyes.

You admire my physicality
Not my soul
For you do not appreciate the existence of one that is pure, and undamaged.

The kind that you have.

One day you will.
And you will understand,
Why we couldn't be together.

And if that day arrives
I will be here
Still adoring your everything just the same.

i feel myself slipping through the wind
unleashing my soul within
eyes leak in memory of you
and forgive myself for being the fool

i have no urge to scream
this pain cannot be mended by any means
who knew emptiness turns out to fill us with the worst of pain
pain that cannot be verbalized in any sentence or phrase

the closest it's had to having an explanation was in the tears we've shed
there's nothing about it that could be said
no one ever understands until they feel it
until they found the love that once made them feel sick

i stand here now, arms raised to my sides
no love, no pain, and no anger to hide
and now i know, finally, for just a few moments atleast,
how it feels to let my soul be free.

there comes a point where
even one of the biggest hearts
can no longer give love

those people who isolate themselves
they, too, once had overflowing love
that perhaps, unfortunately,
people have taken for granted

if you love someone
that's been hurt before
someone who pushes people away

remember that a big heart that
has been hollowed up
won't be so easy
to fill

What if we hadn't tried when we were 14
What if we hadn't given in to the flow of our generation
Maybe we would still be whole
Unbroken
Fearless
We had so much to lose
We didn't see we only had a little to take

We part ways,
Then find each other,
I almost believed it was real.
I almost believed it was fate.

But,
Seeing how you are now
With her
Does something to my heart.

It makes me feel as though what we had wasn't important
Nothing more than a flicker of light
It made me feel
Like I'm somebody
That is easily forgotten.

But from time to time, in my mind, I put you and I together
And all I see are explosions
Explosions
Explosions of which are not caused my fireworks
Then
Nothingness

Its what we've been doing.

Come back
Leave
Over and over.
We let our hearts explode
Until
We lose pieces of us
And eventually
Lose ourselves.

My Darling,
My insanity is not one you can withstand.
That is why you love her.
But not because she's normal,
But because her insanity meshes well with yours.

And truly, my dearest,
I am glad you found a hand to place your heart in.

Forever,
and Always,
My dear,
I will take you with me.
I will always remember you.
And everything we've been through and learned from each other—

We can't always get it right the first time.

If this is love
I've never known it
Till now

Despite the fact that you broke her heart
She somehow managed to mend it
Just so she could have it beat again

For you.

I've been taught about pride.
in this security, we tend to push aside what is significant.
but this said trait, as some say, could make you a name.
it could earn you respect and make you feel triumphant

I've always been reminded of these simple words
words that have oddly functioned well for me:
"dont go when they push you away,
leave when they insist that you stay."

but be warned;
for it could break you so much as it can protect you.

Soft brown hair and that smile
That I haven't seen in a while
The way you think and your disposition
I once thought was a poison
But like most illusions I've seen,
It was just love after all.

You slid your hands in your pockets
Eyes shifting within their sockets
This is the you I cried so many times over
And after all these years, I've only just begun getting sober.

The loss of what could and what might have been,
Is a wound that time can never heal
You've made my life slightly dim
And made pain an emotion I frequently feel

But a day like today,
Is a day I never thought would arrive
You walk towards me in your worst of states,
And my love for you was somehow revived.

I begin to repel the emotion I cursed that I never again would let near
But little did I know , it has always been here.

And as you walk away looking back at me with the softest of eyes
I loved you again, to my surprise.
It was then , I realized—
This is a love that never dies

I wanna spend my time with you
I don't really allot my time like this
I usually just waste it
But now I know where I want it to go
I want to spend it just to see your smile
Just to hear your laugh and fake cries
To mess your nesty hair
Admire your face
Memorize every trace of it and just keep you
To go grocery shopping with you
Go restaurant hopping with you
Pay bills with you
Buy a new air conditioner when the one we have breaks
Paint the walls of our home
Contemplate on which color scheme we want
Hold your hand as we walk places
Watch timeless movies while we're wrapped up in our quilt
Dance to EDM, just the two of us
Pass out next to each other
Go out late at night just to drink coffee
Cover our favorite love songs
Read books
Watch YouTube videos
Have tricycle rides
Manage our lives
Argue about big and small things
Cry
Storm out
Crawl back into each others' arms
Knowing that its the only place where we've felt so much love
Do adult stuff, together
Carry you to bed when youve had too much too drink
Kiss your forehead while you sleep
Take care of you
Love you
Over and over
And not get tired of doing so
That's all I wanna do with whatever time I have left
Just...
Spend it all on you
Because you
Of all things
Are most definitely
The one and only thing
That matters to me.

In this particular ether
He stood here
Waiting for me
In this space
He sat drinking beer
Smoking luckies
On this parking spot
He parked his car
Which we leaned on and kissed
By this fence
We stood smoking rubies
Talking about our lives
On this couch by the piano
I held his scar on his right wrist
He explained why he wore his ring
All those places
All those spaces
He was there
And on my skin
In my mind
He was here
And in my heart
He still is.

I hope you know that I always cheer you on from afar and always hope you're happy, look out my window saying good morning to you when I wake up, saying good night before I fall asleep, look at the horizon every sunset and pretend I'm talking to you after having a bad day.
As if you're still here, as if you never left. Thinking only our bodies are apart but not our hearts, not our souls.
Wondering if you feel it when you're out there and I'm here loving you with every bit of me that I am able to
Wondering if you see my face in heaven as often as I see your face here on earth everywhere I look
I hope you find joy, happiness, and whatever it is in life that you seek.
Even if that life you'll find is a life without me.

You run.
As fast as your feet can.
As long as your lungs can take.
Just to get where?
You don't know
Oh, but you do, don't you?
You know very well where you want to go.

You want to go to the darkest and the loneliest of spaces.
A space only your mind could create for itself when its had too much to take.
You go there.
A lot.
And I think the closest you've been out of there was halfway through.
Once you discovered this place, you never really left it.
You stayed there.
No one knows who you really are.
Because you chose to stay within the doors that you think protects you from pain and rejection.
But you never knew how much it has eaten you away.
Because you're too afraid to accept that to love at all, means to be susceptible.
So I'm not gonna tell you to stop running.
Stop hiding.
I want to know you.

you planted a smile on my face,
consistently took care of it for the first few weeks
you watched it bloom, you watched it grow
until one day i guess it took too much space.
at times it withered and it displeased you.
it was difficult to manage; to keep it intact.
espescially in days the weather was bipolar.
and once you realized it was too hard to keep,
you decided it was about time to have it reaped.
but one thing you never knew about smiles--
is that they can go on for so many miles.
no matter what weather, they could bare.
the only reason they have to pass,
is lack of care, lack of love, lack of attention
the things you have put a halt to provide once you dedcided,
that you no longer cared.

When you kept insisting that you didn't deserve it
When you doubted yourself and felt no sense of direction
I shone upon you all the light I could manage
And I loved you with everything that I was, everything I had.

When you felt like nothing, when you were numb
I gave you warmth, I gave you shelter within my heart
I saved the best parts of me for you, and I dont mean the ***
I meant the all the love I've been putting away for the right person

When you made a point of being afraid of hurting me
When you felt as if you weren't worthy, unsure of what you felt for me
I constantly assured you of my love even when you didn't do the same
You weren't my world, honey, my world revolved around you— my star.

My everything.

I steer clear from the things that remind me of you
But they always find me
Everywhere I go there's always a bit of you
You're everything I see
Evertime I sing, everything I write
Ends up being about you
Everytime I move, I want to move next to you
But you're nowhere near me

Everything I do it's always about you
Every chord I play, every song I make, every word I say

Every single thing I do
It's always
Always
About you

Im still gonna love you
Even when you wont
Even when you say goodbye
Even when you have some else to call your own.
Im still gonna love your eyes
Even when they look at me different
Even the way they look away from me
Even when theyre looking at someone else
Im still gonna love your cheeks
Even when somebody else pinches them
Even when you turn them at me
Even when someone gets to hold them the way i could
Im still gonna love your nose
Even when they tickle someone elses
Even when they dig into someone elses shoulder
Even when theyve fallen for someone elses scent
Im still gonna love your lips
Even when someone else gets to feel your kiss
Even when someone else can kiss em better
Even when they speak of me negatively.
Im still gonna love you
Even when you forget about me
Even when its over
Even when you say you dont love me anymore

Heartbreak after heartbreak,
each one hurts less everytime.
And I don't know if it's because I've forgotten
the very essence of love,
or if I'm simply going numb.

It was already dark out. People bustling, rushing past crowds to get to their destination, while I stood across the street, looking at the person I thought was mine. Mine. My destination.
Hiding behind the crowd of people waiting for their buses out of the commercial side of town, I looked past the bushes and the rows of trees and saw you. There you were behind that desk, as usual. And I just stood there like some fool watching you, as you slung your backpack upon your shoulders, ready to get home. And even at such a distance, I saw your smile. That smile I died for for more than just a thousand times. That smile that I'll never again get to be the reason behind. That smile that had always had my heart fall into the pit of my stomach. That smile I remember I could shut when I lean in for a kiss.
That smile I know for the rest of my life I am going to miss.
Then I recall, I remember vividly, every inch of your face, even in the small amount of time we got to spend with each other. Every time I lean in and see your naturally curled lashes, how the littlest of moles were splattered across your face...
Then—
I snap back into reality, and still see people rushing to get to their destination. As I realize, well, you're not mine, you're not my destiny. I'm better off elsewhere, beyond the reaches of your arms that somehow grew to feel like home. I just know, no matter how many times I try to twist and turn fate, no matter how many times I try to cast a spell to reverse this nightmare that I fell into, no matter how many times I choose to waste a wish on you whenever I get the chance, you won't ever come back to me.
Just how I wouldn't ever, even if given the chance, come back to you.